Locked out of DH's garage

[auroramusisamica]

Am silently fuming as DH has converted our garage into his 'studio' and refuses to give me a key. It has been about a year now and I didn't think much of it first, we agreed it was his place to work, is filled with his things and I had no desire to go in there.
However it has been dawning on me that I don't like being locked out of part of my house. There have been occasions when I wanted to access things (like blank DVDs or paint brushes) and couldn't get them.

I do go in there with him but I have asked for a key, several times over the last few months and he says I don't need one, it is just his stuff, he doesn't want me in there going through things etc.

If he had just given me one first I would have no interest but now it has become this big issue and his refusal is making me want to go through it (which is not like me, I know he has porn there & I don't mind, but he knows I know this so must be something else right?)

So AIBU to want a key, surely if he had nothing to hide he would just give me one?

aurora its not breaking in when its your room. It is your (shared) room remember? (as much as he would like you to think it isn't)

Of course hacking his computer is a different kettle of fish... And by the sound of it you both have your own so it is private.

aurora - you mentioned upthread a locking document box that he has also, I think. Is he a particularly secretive sort of a guy? It makes me wonder about him generally because I was under the impression that within a marriage, and particularly when there are children of that marriage, there should legally be equality of possessions, property, shares etc. Hence all the problems of dividing stuff up when a marriage ends. I wonder how much stuff he is hiding from you, not just in your his garage, but in his locked box and anywhere else he may be stashing stuff away from you.

I'd go in while he is in there and gauge his reaction.

I wouldn't speak to him again. He is just going to make up more ridiculous excuses as to why he is excluding you from part of your own property with locks and keys. Its utterly ridiculous beheaviour, and the implication has to be that he is hiding something big.

That said, if he simply wouldn't let me in while he was in there, I would break in. Its your joint property, he has no right to "ban" you from it and if you urgently need to gain access to part of your property and need to break a lock, or get a locksmith to do so, I cannot see any crime being committed.

OneMoreChap you can like all the articles you want, but while the OP is in a marriage with the husband and neither party has initiated proceedings, it is entirely appropriate for her to gain access to her own property for such items as she has already mentioned, such as cds or paint brushes, by breaking a lock. How odd that you should try to make this sound illegal. Once she has gained access, should she find something suspicious of a potentially criminal nature for example, she would be entirely right minded to take appropriate action, such as investigating further should the evidence be in danger of being lost - OP take photos on your mobile phone if necessary.

No-one innocent with nothing serious to hide would behave in this manner. The very fact that he has a locked room in your house and refuses you uncontrolled access would constitute unreasonable behaviour in any divorce.

He has a camera inside the room? Seriously?

I haven't read all this thread but the camera in the room is probably an IP camera. It is accessed by an IP address (like a computer) and if you have that address you can see what the camera sees from another location. So, the OPs partner can sit at work and have that camera on the screen and he knows if anyone comes into the room. Be interesting to see what happens if the OP did get in? He doesn't want the OP in there because he is doing something that is odd/dangerous/illegal or all 3. If it was relatively innocent, a password on the computer would work as there would be no access to the account (unless you know how to look for shared files/his account files via the C drive). Note that he prob. can't do this stuff via work for obvious reasons. I work in IT and everything I've read tells me that he has something going on. Being able to remote in is the best way as this won't leave any traces unless changes are made. This requires the IP address of the computer. An IT firm as mentioned in other posts will prob. be able to do it via the IP or the mac address (the latter being a unique code for every comuter). Of course, dialogue with the couple would help but he'll stall and shift everything digital onto a portable hard drive(s) and reimage the PC wiping any evidence and papers can be locked away

There's a camera IN the room.
So burglars could case your house over a few days break in to the rest of the house rob you of your other personal possessions but he would only have a record of it if they got into his LOCKED room.

Most opportunist burglars wouldn't bother if they had x boxes lap tops jewellery etc from the rest of the house.

That camera is there for one reason only - that's you OP.

As above. That camera moves things into the realm of surveillance OP and it's you being surveilled. Are you allowed to use the computer? My IT ideas are it could be dual-boot (2 x operating systems) so he can go into one and you'd never know. If dialogue breaks down you could go to a specialist firm and ask their advice - they will be familiar with this scenario. You are then free to do nothing or pursue it further. If you can get on the PC it's easy enough to get the IP/mac address should you need them. Is there another drive attached to the PC? You need the options but that camera is really the giveaway - he does NOT want you in there because of control/trust/secrecy issues

LessMissAbs
OneMoreChap you can like all the articles you want,

Thanks for that, kind of you.

but while the OP is in a marriage with the husband and neither party has initiated proceedings, it is entirely appropriate for her to gain access to her own property for such items as she has already mentioned, such as cds or paint brushes

Yep, her own property.

by breaking a lock. How odd that you should try to make this sound illegal.

Sorry, did you miss the nonsense about hacking into DHs PC from some of the more extreme posters? Very, very clearly illegal - unless you'd care to nitpick that in some way?

Once she has gained access, should she find something suspicious of a potentially criminal nature for example, she would be entirely right minded to take appropriate action, such as investigating further should the evidence be in danger of being lost - OP take photos on your mobile phone if necessary.

No, it depends. If the "evidence" she's gathering is something the DH has a reasonable expectation of privacy for... it won't be admissable "evidence". That's kind of what the links said.

The very fact that he has a locked room in your house and refuses you uncontrolled access would constitute unreasonable behaviour in any divorce.

I haven't got your legal knowledge, so I bow to your expertise.

OP I have been lurking, here are my few thoughts.

In your situation I would be worried that one day we were going to have the police breaking the door down, and I hate to think which crime they would be investigating.

If you choose to LTB then surely this is unreasonable behaviour.

Is he a spy? Or does he have a fantasy life in which he is a spy? Is he having a breakdown?

Good luck, whatever happens.

I am sorry but this thread is so annoying me now. The OP is either a total walk over who doesn't want to face up to the fact that her husband is clearly up to no good. Or she is winding us up. Either way, she isn't willing to do anything other than talk to him and give him an opportunity to cover his tracks. Rediculous and pointless thread as she hasn't listened to anybody.

Oh, and 3 of my PCs have cameras attached to them, one an IP camera.
I like tech.

I have nothing dodgy my wife shouldn't see, but do have some commercially confidential stuff she must not see. But then, I do work from home, and DW knows what I do in general.

I do have letters and photographs from previous girlfriends/old friends... which are in the unlocked filing cabinet in the main body of the house, where all our other filing is...

I still suspect it's porn/dating sites, and I think OP needs a calm discussion and to walk in with him. I don't see a really happy ending, sadly.

Lily - this thread may be annoying & pointless to you as I am not going to go in 'all guns blazing' & do something which I may regret but it has been really useful to me. I have got some great advice and has confirmed to me that something which I had lived with for so long that it was becoming normal is, in fact, absolutely not. People have confined what I thought and had given me the confidence to change this.

I have been overwhelmed by the response but do take on board that I may miss something by waiting and feel slightly guilty I can't let you all have a neat ending to this.

If this were a movie he would be spy....

Yes, OneMoreChap specifically I stated that she would not be "breaking into" her own property in these circumstances. Your link referenced a divorce proceedings scenario, and even then its questionable. She could for instance be doing it for safety reasons (eg smell of smoke), or to access things she needs and cannot find (cds). There would hardly be any intent of committing a crime in those circumstances. Neither party is in the midst of divorce proceedings, so in a marriage, it would not be an unreasonable thing to do at all.

This is the poster's own property. Joint property, but at the moment she is being denied access to it.

Even in the most bitter of divorce proceedings, I doubt very much that the judge would regard having a locked room kept secret in the family home inadmissable evidence of unreasonable behaviour. How ridiculous.

OP - no-one goes to these extreme lengths to keep something secret unless (a) it is a very big secret, possibly illegal (b) they do some kind of job where secrecy is paramount (in which case you'd expect the secrets to be kept away from the family home) or (c) has some kind of mental condition.

OP you must either be very soft or under his control so that you cannot see how odd this is. Why on earth would you want to talk to him again? This is the man you are spending your life with - I would insist on finding out whats in there in case its my life thats going to be affected by it...

Sigh.
No problem about her own property.

I repeat: "Sorry, did you miss the nonsense about hacking into DHs PC from some of the more extreme posters? Very, very clearly illegal - unless you'd care to nitpick that in some way?"

I also said in response to you wittering Once she has gained access, should she find something suspicious of a potentially criminal nature for example, she would be entirely right minded to take appropriate action, such as investigating further should the evidence be in danger of being lost

"No, it depends. If the "evidence" she's gathering is something the DH has a reasonable expectation of privacy for... it won't be admissable "evidence". That's kind of what the links said."

The "locked room" isn't what you suggested she should be photographing.

I doubt very much that the judge would regard having a locked room kept secret in the family home inadmissable evidence of unreasonable behaviour.

Almost anything can be unreasonable behaviour.
Grounds for divorce aren't evidentially the same as evidence of wrongdoing or criminal activity, which this is being morphed into.

So, in summary, you have no legal expertise then - just like me. Except you don't provide links to advice from lawyers. Would you like some links to examples of unreasonable behaviour, even from Mumsnet or is that TMI?

OP, I've read this whole thread. I don't think there is anything illegal going on, but he is hiding something from you (my guess? Nasty porn/webcam habit) and I can't believe that this habit has more security protection than you and your children. Please stand in the doorway of the room and demand that you see for yourself. Tell him you cannot live like this any more. I hope that you get answers soon.

I agree with flow. This is all getting a bit out of hand, isn't it?

Once he understands how bad it is to refuse to have a spare key available to you, should you need it, and how strongly you feel about it, if he continues to refuse to let you have a spare key or to tell you where the spare is, it may be a different matter (depending upon his explanation and whether you are happy with it), but until then it really isn't worth getting into quite such a lather.

Yes, it is ridiculous that you have no access to the room.
Yes, it is unreasonable that you cannot just go in to get things you need, when you need them (blank disks, pens, whatever).
Yes, it is utterly childish of him not discuss it.

Does he not understand that his attitude is the major reason why you are unhappy with the situation? (That, and the inconvenience of having to wait for him to get home before you can grab a screwdriver.)

The fact that he sulks when you try to talk to him doesn't paint him in a good light, though. He does need to grow up a bit.

There are loads of good reasons to have a password protected computer. I can't believe people are honestly suggesting hacking his computer (no matter how suspicious). In fact not having your computer password protected is quite remiss IMO.

Locking your spouse out of a room in their own house is an entirely different matter.

Going into a room in your own house is totally reasonable. Hacking someones computer isn't, its a gross breach of trust. Unless perhaps you have clear evidence there is something illegal on it. And no matter what we suspect on this thread (and my feeling is dodgy porn) we have nothing more than suspicion.

Could you just not say there was smoke coming from the room and you needed to get in there?

When you do get in there after nosing about smash up camera and create a small fire around where it was in a metal bin away from electrics and then put it out. Say the camera caught fire. dispose of camera in a public bin. Job done. Dangerous but necessary. Take a mobile with you in case fire gets out of hand and you need to dial 999.

Fairylea...umm....no. Would anyone actually start a fire in their own home?!?

A bit risky Fairy?

Yes maybe. But only a tiny bit. Paper in a metal bin and then smudge the black soot over the wall etc.

Hell I live dangerously.

Yes I get you want to not rush into it but if you just talk to him then he is going to hide everything and you will never know what he has done. Does that not bother you? I couldn't live with my husband knowing he may have done something awful, and for the rest of my life just shrug it off because you will never know. How are you going to feel if you talk and at best he will say he will get you a key, and off course, by the time you get said key, he will of got rid of anything he didn't want you to see. And find some other way of doing whatever it is, somewhere else where you have no control over. How is this going to help? PLEASE do explain this to me as I can't get my head around why anybody would want to do that? My priority would be finding out once and for all and then making a decision from there.

If OP did that fairy, her husband should be requesting divorce on grounds of unreasonable

Not sure if anyone suggested;
Tell him you don't want to be married to him any more as he's clearly up to no good...etc,
Call Crimestoppers and report suspicious activity at your own address (you'd have to do this anonymously). You'd need to work out what suspicious activity but with all you're living with, you could just say 'I know the couple and the wife told me that he's locked his computer in there, refuses anyone, even family, access so you think it might be something to do with illegal trading/terrorism/child porn. Sinister, yes. Deceitful, yes. It's up to you though.

Or just tell him to pack his bags and sod off until he decides to grow up and stop being such a prick. In that situation, I'd do my nut. I lived with a muso years ago and he kept all his love letters from his shags EVERY time he did a gig. There was no Internet back then!

Aurora - good luck in getting this sorted. As you have said, it is your problem and something for you to deal with in your own time.