What constitutes "unreasonable behaviour" in divorce?

(72 Posts)
DoingItForMyself Thu 05-Jul-12 14:44:25

Does it have to be documented, big things or can you cite insults and incidents of selfishness etc? I don't want to have to wait 2 years to get it done, but with a background of low-level EA I don't have anything specific to hang it on.

Would it be easier for one of us to confess to a non-existent affair? Would an emotional affair suffice as I could probably muster one of those if I tried hard enough!

countydurhamlass Thu 05-Jul-12 18:09:27

unreasonable behaviour can include things like not socialising together cos he he doesnt want to go out, insults can be but you may have to give specific dates of one or two (even if its just a month), refusing to do things or going out all the time. if you give lots of little incidents then that will be enough, not getting a job and relying on you to pay everything, running up debts and not telling you, or not giving you any help to pay bills etc,

Soila Thu 05-Jul-12 20:34:11

My divorce was a long time ago (late 90s) so things might have changed since but I remember my solicitor telling me that unreasonable behaviour would be what I, personally, deemed as it to be.

He gave me an example of squeezing the toothpaste from the wrong end just as an illustration of how anything could count.

Sorry if I'm getting personal or going off track, Doingitformyself, but are you sure you want a divorce?

DoingItForMyself Thu 05-Jul-12 21:15:31

Yes Soila, he has moved out as he wasn't happy living as part of a family (all too overwhelming despite the fact he was hardly ever here at weekends and never spent any time with the DCs.) He was cold and distant with me, had no empathy whatsoever and was incapable of being what I need in a partner (loving kind and warm).

He said cruel things, never apologised and was generally totally indifferent the rest of the time, unless he wanted sex, when he would be affectionate for about 10 mins. I really don't miss him at all and the DCs have totally adjusted already.

Now he is spending 2 or 3 evenings a week with them, is presumably happy in his own space and I have my own space, no-one judging me for my choices, belittling me or making me feel inferior.

I would never get back with him, so why not divorce. I didn't see the rush when we first split up, but now he's gone, its more a case of why not?

minceorotherwise Thu 05-Jul-12 21:22:36

Ooh I think you just made yourself a list of unreasonable behaviour !!! Unexpected result!!

HelpfulSolicitor Thu 05-Jul-12 21:57:31

Hi there. I can tell you that a few examples, such as those outlined above, you will be able to use in order to put forward an unreasonable behaviour divorce petition as that will most likely be sufficient for a Judge to allow a petition to proceed on those terms. The way that family law is progressing is towards the milder end of behaviour to make divorces less acrimonious especially when there are children involved.

Collaborate Thu 05-Jul-12 22:09:14

Agree with HS. OP what you posted above will do. In my local county court the judges have been told never to refuse a UB petition unless the petitioner is clearly having a laugh. The idea is not to stoke up bitterness and resentment, that then impact upon the kids and makes a financial settlement that much harder.

DoingItForMyself Thu 05-Jul-12 22:12:19

That makes sense. I suppose where both parties want to divorce there's no real reason not to is there. Thanks very much for the advice.

minceorotherwise Thu 05-Jul-12 22:24:40

Just as an aside, out of interest, what constitutes irretrievable breakdown then.? Is it always one or the other?

Collaborate Fri 06-Jul-12 00:22:06

Irretrievable breakdown is, to be pedantic, the only ground for divorce. It can only be proved by proving one of 5 facts, Adultery, UB, desertion, 2 years separation with consent, and 5 years separation without consent.

DoingItForMyself Fri 06-Jul-12 23:46:52

Should I be feeling pissed off that he's just agreed to a divorce? I know its what I need to happen for my own well-being and sent him a message this afternoon saying that we should both have a think about what we think would be fair and then contact a mediator to try and resolve it without costing too much.

He replied, "Agree with what you say on divorce and am happy to use a mediator " and my stomach just lurched. I KNOW this is what I need, while I am still married to him I feel that I have to keep trying not to rock the boat so that he doesn't suddenly become unreasonable about money. I know that if I strike while the iron is still hot I will probably get a better sympathy deal out of him.

But why do I feel sick that he is so calm about it. I honestly thought he might say lets leave it until the dust has settled or something, I suppose I wanted to feel in control of the situation and he has pulled the rug from under me yet again. sad

YankNCock Sat 07-Jul-12 09:32:53

You feel sick because your marriage is really going to be over. That's hard even when you know it's the right thing! And despite his bad behaviour showing you how much he didn't want a marriage or family life, you were probably still hoping a bit that being separated would jolt him into realising what a dick he's been. He may still come to that realisation, or perhaps he never will. Don't let that wind you up, you still control what you do and how you choose to feel about it. Better he's agreeable to it than jerking you around with promises to change, moving in and out, etc.

Have emailed you again.

DoingItForMyself Sat 07-Jul-12 09:47:25

I think that's spot on. I was hoping for a 'jolt' or a lightbulb moment from him about what a balls-up he's made of the whole thing, but I still need to work on detaching from him and concentrating on me.

I'm never going to have him begging me to change my mind (not that I would, but it would be soooo nice to have that power for once). The divorce will allow me to move on with some financial security rather than living in fear that anything I do to upset him will be used against me.

I suppose if he'd refused the divorce or argued about it, or suggested that he was divorcing me for unreasonable behaviour I'd have reason to be pissed off.

I just couldn't understand why I was so upset at his simple, emotionless reply, but he's always been emotionless and cold! What did I think had changed in the last month!?!?

Thanks for the PM Yank.

MOSagain Sat 07-Jul-12 12:31:50

oh sweetie, you are upset because you loved him. I can totally understand that you'd maybe secretly hoped that it would be a shock to him and not just a yes. I'd be upset and am in a similar position to you. (((hugs)))

DoingItForMyself Sat 07-Jul-12 16:12:40

I suppose it hurts because its probably the first real decision I've made. He never really let me decide on anything (takeaways, meals out, holiday - just the one!) whatever I suggested he would always have the final say, unless something went wrong in which case it was all my idea of course.

Maybe I hoped that in this case, now that I have shown my independence, that I could make a decision without him getting the final say - that it might be something he didn't want for a change, but it turns out he does.

He can see that being divorced from me will be a good thing for him and that hurts because the break-up was unquestionably 95% his fault (the 5% being I could have accepted his very limited involvement in mine & the DCs lives instead of getting angry and upset about it.)

catsrus Sat 07-Jul-12 22:00:36

I think you need to try to detach as much as possible and not get too much into the issue of whose fault it is, you have to manage the co-parenting of your dcs. The opposite of love is not hate it's indifference, you need to reach a point where what he says or does has little emotional impact on you and you really don't care. You've already discovered that life without him is better for you, life without caring what he thinks will be even better grin

DoingItForMyself Sat 07-Jul-12 22:52:39

Thanks Cats, I know you're right! I'm trying and thought I was doing ok, but this threw me.

Your name came up today as I was discussing with the DCs about getting a cat (now that H has left and can't stop us!). He asked if there was a shop called CatsRUs and I said no, but there's a mumsnetter!

catsrus Sun 08-Jul-12 00:35:08

lol! it was a name change from my original one, just for a few posts, but I ended up not changing back smile When my H left the dcs convinced me that the only thing that would heal their broken hearts were 2 kittens hmm. TBH I think it worked wink.

As for detaching, I'm not saying I don't have moments when I'd like a couple of voodoo dolls of him and OW, but I know with every fibre of my being that I'm better of not married to him so I just concentrate on that grin

joanofarchitrave Sun 08-Jul-12 00:41:35

Divorce is a really distressing procedure in any circumstances - after all, who in their right minds would go through a traumatic breakup AND a lawsuit at the same time?? You'd be inhuman if you didn't feel anything - it's a tribute to the fact that you really did love him once upon a time, and that's a good thing to be able to tell your children one day.

One warning - when the list of behaviour that you come up with land on the other person's doormat, that can be a very nasty moment. It's entirely up to you, but you could decide to do what my xh did for me (he was divorcing me because of my unreasonable behaviour) - he rang me the day before the papers would reach me, and explained that he had drawn up the list with the help of his solicitor in order to achieve our common goal, i.e. the least traumatic divorce possible, and it did not represent his only view of what happened or the full story of our relationship. He then rang me again the day after to find out if I was OK. On the other hand, if that list represents the full truth and you want your XH to read the full story in black and white, you could just go with that.

Midwife99 Sun 08-Jul-12 04:54:26

Yes the realisation that EVEN HE doesn't want us is pretty disturbing. The truth is they have also had enough of the miserable relationship but I know what you mean about the fantasy that he will say "No - I've been a total twunt - you are so important to me & I love you so much that I'm going to completely change & be a wonderful DH & DF & we'll live happily ever after!"

DoingItForMyself Sun 08-Jul-12 09:49:57

grin wouldn't that be the perfect moment MW.

And with the help of the lovely MNers we would be able to stand firm and say, "Aw that's nice to hear after all these years. If only you'd managed to realise it sooner that little scenario may well have happened, but I've moved on, I'm loving my new single life and the spare time I get when you have the DCs (and my new kitten wink ) so thanks and all that, but I think I'll decline"

Thanks for those wise words Joan. I've been thinking all night about what I can use, constrained by the 6 month rule, a lot of the worse ones have passed anyway, so I think I'll keep it to general patterns of behaviour with a small example (financially controlling - checking my tesco receipts to see what I've spent while buying himself electronic gadgets etc) as these are things we've already talked about and won't come as a big shock.

MsIndependence Sun 08-Jul-12 16:14:56

Hi, this is my first ever post so I hope it helps someone. My husband left 2 months ago by mutual agreement as our marriage was toxic and I did not want our nearly 3 years old son to grow up thinking that what we had was a normal marriage and in doing so affect his future relationships. After having a free initial session with a solicitor (most will do this) and doing lots of research oline, I have decided to do the Divorce part myself online, The custody arrangement part amicably with my husband -nothing has to be put into writing if you are both happy with the current situation (for us I have DS in the week and H has him at weekends but I want this to change once he goes to school so am keeping it flexible), and lastly I'm using the solicitor to help me with the finacial arrangements. So Divorce, Finance And custody of children are 3 different parts.

I'm doing the divorce using the government website where you can fill in forms online and print off and there are clear accompanying notes. I'm citing unreasonable behaviour and have put my reason as:

-Withdrawal of love and affection which upsets me greatly
-Refusal to have sexual relations with me which deeply hurts me-(no sex since 2011 and on averge only 3 times a year during entire marriage)
-Refusal to sleep in the marital bed which upsets me
-Financial sercrecy, lies and deceit which disrespects and hurts me
-The respondent has moved out of the marital home as the marriage had irritrievably broken down.
-All love and affection has disappeared
-It is better for our son to see two happy divorced parents than witness the tense, bitter battleground that our marriage had become even after Relate marriage counselling.

I haven't pushed the final button on this yet and would welcome any opinions as to whether my reasons are stated reasonably or in a too inflammatory way.
Thank you
P.S Link to Gov website www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/Endingamarriageorcivilpartnership/Gettingadivorce/DG_193735

Midwife99 Sun 08-Jul-12 16:19:30

That sounds fine to me! Check for typos though. It doesn't sound inflammatory!

MsIndependence Sun 08-Jul-12 16:24:40

Thanks very much Midwife99..and typos amended!

DoingItForMyself Sun 08-Jul-12 16:59:58

MsIndependence thanks for the link. I've been thinking about what I will put and may post my reasons later for your perusal ladies grin

DoingItForMyself Sun 08-Jul-12 17:36:58

Do I need to apply for the financial orders MsI? If I do it like you have, keeping the 3 parts separate? MW do you know which of these are relevant in my situation?

We don't have many assets to argue over (only the house which was bought with my inheritance, so may cause some arguments there) and main money has been his income which has supported us, along with my measly p/t wages.

Children we will be able to resolve ourselves (as long as he doesn't play silly buggers about maintenance!)

MsIndependence Sun 08-Jul-12 20:46:12

Hi DIFM,
Please don't hold me to any of this as a lot was said in my solicitors meeting but from what I understand there are 2 ways of dealing with the financial stuff.
1. If you both agree on maintenance, child support and the splitting of all assets you can set it down on paper and have it as a voluntary agreement. You or your solicitor can then apply to make it legally binding by applying for (I think) an order of consent which basically means the courts rubber stamp it. This will be needed if you try to get a mortage based on maintenance which only a couple of lenders do (search 'maintenance mortgage' in moneysavingexpert.com) and also if there is any chance you H won't stick to the agreement.

2. In my case although H is being almost reasonable about maintenance he does not agree about the assets so my solicitor is going to write asking him to declare everything then we will have to begin negotiations. Again this can be kept between ourselves unless no agreement is reached then it will go to the courts to decide. My strategy is to ask for a lot more that I know he will give so that I will have to back down, he will score points and i will hopefully get what I really wanted in the end!

Also you really need to think about the future so get a will done a.s.a.p or your children may miss out if you die suddenly but are still married. I think since you bought the house with your money your really should discuss the finances with a solicitor.

You may have thought of this but its really useful to put everything for the years expenditure down on paper and divide into months. I'm currently in the process of putting together an Excel spreadsheet on this so let me know if this is something you would be interested in and I will send you a copy when I'm finished.

Also you can apply for 25% council tax discount if you are the only adult in the house, plus childcare tax credits, income support, legal aid etc
Legal Aid calculator-http://legalaidcalculator.justice.gov.uk/calculators/eligiCalc?execution=e1s1

Child tax credits http://www.hmrc.gov.uk/taxcredits/start/claiming/claim-children/childcare-costs.htm

Hope this all helps! xx

DoingItForMyself Mon 09-Jul-12 09:14:37

Thanks for that, I'd be really interested to see your spreadsheet if you don't mind - I'm not very organised with that sort of thing, but I know I'll have to start!

We did sit down (when I was still able to talk to him without wanting to punch him in the face) and try to work out how much I would need to keep the children and myself living here, which he said he wanted to try and facilitate if possible, so he is also being very reasonable on that score, but that's why I feel like I can't rock the boat in case he whips that away from me or uses it to argue over the final amounts on divorce ("I paid you double what the CSA advised so you need to be fair about the house" etc).

Have applied for 25% off council tax and may not have to pay anything as I will be on a low income with tax credits topping me up once that is all sorted. Legal aid would be handy, does that mean I need to find a specific solicitor or do most of them do that? What do you need to qualify? Sorry for all the questions! I realise each case is different I just don't know where to start with all this.

Midwife99 Mon 09-Jul-12 09:20:20

Brill advice MsInde. Def get legal advice before you try to do anything alone Doing. my solicitor said mediation is all well & good if you have a strong mediator & there isn't much disparity between the parties' assets & incomes but if there is its not really worthwhile as many mediators cave in easily & don't fight for the "poorer" party. Money saving expert does a great budget spreadsheet too.

Collaborate Mon 09-Jul-12 11:11:25

Mediators are not there to fight for either party. They are there to facilitate a discussion between the parties. They can give information about procedure, but cannot tell one or other of the parties that they are being unrealistic. Both parties should get their own legal advice if they want to keep their proposals trealistic, and be able to evaluate the other side's proposals.

There is no point in not getting an agreement turned in to a consent order made in the divorce. An agreement to have a clean break is not binding until the court orders it - in fact neither is anything else.

Midwife99 Mon 09-Jul-12 11:23:30

Collaborate knows best!! As always!

MsIndependence Mon 09-Jul-12 11:49:36

Thanks Midwife that budget planner on MSE is brilliant-DIFM forget my now abandoned spreadsheet and use that instead. Re legal aid you can check if you are eligible via the link in my previous post. A lot but not all of solicitors will offer legal aid i.e they do the same work but legal aid pays if you are entitled to it. I found 3 solicitors in my area via yell.com then interviewed 2 who offered a free consultation and chose the one I felt most comforable with. Price wise here they charge from £130 upwards per hour and some will do monthly billing. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by going for a free consultation!

DoingItForMyself Mon 09-Jul-12 12:39:06

They don't give you much room on the form for your Statement of case, do they? I'm trying to be concise but its tricky to fit in 5 or 6 things with examples.

Trouble is most of the worst things happened last year, as I've kind of switched off from him a bit this year. Does it matter if I don't give dates for all of them?

Midwife99 Mon 09-Jul-12 14:27:18

My divorces blush never included dates of the events of unreasonable behaviour

Collaborate Mon 09-Jul-12 16:13:37

They deliberately don't give you much room as they want you to be brief. Too much detail is like picking over scabs, and does not help harmonious relations.

Midwife99 Mon 09-Jul-12 16:19:37

Yeah brief summary of it all I reckon

DoingItForMyself Mon 09-Jul-12 16:44:50

How does this sound?

The respondent was unwilling and unable to participate fully in family life, stating in June 2012 that being asked to join in with family activities made him "feel angry". This made the petitioner feel that she was alone in parenting much of the time, with no prospect of improvement. The respondent showed a lack of empathy and emotion in general, but especially towards the end of the marriage, not apologising for saying hurtful and insulting things about the petitioner's weight, food choices and appearance. This made the petitioner feel unattractive and lacking in confidence. The respondent was financially inconsistent, checking the petitioner's shopping receipts to see what she had spent money on, making the petitioner feel guilty about spending money on herself and the children, while he bought items for himself and made bids on ebay for unnecessary expensive items without any discussion. This made the petitioner feel unequal in the partnership due to not being in a position to earn an equal salary. The respondent suggested living apart as a way to reduce arguments in the relationship. This made the petitioner feel that the respondent no longer wished to be part of the family unit.

Midwife99 Mon 09-Jul-12 17:09:45

Collaborate?

MsIndependence Mon 09-Jul-12 18:51:49

Hi-if you do it online you can fit a lot in-see my case statement in previous post. My only suggestion would to be to use I rather 'petitioner' in order elicit more empathy from the reader and would be a smoother read but I'm not a legal personsmile

DoingItForMyself Mon 09-Jul-12 18:56:49

using I would definitely make it shorter, I just thought that was how it had to be worded as if a solicitor had written it instead of me, but I'll change it to I and to twat instead of respondent

DoingItForMyself Mon 09-Jul-12 19:47:07

Revised edition:

The respondent was unwilling and unable to participate fully in family life, stating in June 2012 that being asked to join in with family activities made him "feel angry" and that even if he had a choice to work fewer weekends he wouldn't want it. This made me feel alone in parenting much of the time, with no prospect of improvement. The respondent showed a lack of empathy and emotion in general, but especially towards the end of the marriage, not apologising for saying hurtful and insulting things about my weight, food choices and appearance. This made me feel unattractive and lacking in confidence. The respondent was financially inconsistent, checking my shopping receipts to see what I had spent money on, making me feel guilty about spending money on myself and the children, while he bought items for himself and made bids on ebay for unnecessary expensive items without any discussion with me. This made me feel unequal in the partnership due to not being in a position to earn an equal salary. The respondent suggested living apart as a way to reduce arguments in the relationship while remaining married. This made me feel that the respondent no longer wished to be part of a true family unit.

Midwife99 Mon 09-Jul-12 20:27:54

My opinion only but - delete "unable" to participate in family life. He was not unable only unwilling. Also delete "did not apologise" for saying nasty things. Just leave it that he said nasty things about your weight etc. I'll read on .....

Collaborate Mon 09-Jul-12 21:37:41

You could trim it down further: I suggest -

The respondent was unwilling to participate fully in family life.

He showed a lack of empathy and emotion in general, saying hurtful and insulting things about the petitioner's weight, food choices and appearance.

The respondent would check the petitioner's shopping receipts to see what she had spent money on, making the petitioner feel guilty about spending money on herself and the children, while did not consult with her over his own purchases.

The respondent suggested living apart as a way to reduce arguments in the relationship. This made the petitioner feel that the respondent no longer wished to be part of the family unit.

Midwife99 Mon 09-Jul-12 21:45:31

Brilliant collaborate (of course!)

DoingItForMyself Mon 09-Jul-12 23:17:01

Marvellous, thanks! I always was a bit too wordy. If you think that is sufficient I'll take your expert opinion and get it done.

butterflybee Tue 10-Jul-12 05:45:57

Did I read earlier that he'd already moved out and is happy with the new dynamic? I think that's a pretty clear message on its own.

DoingItForMyself Tue 10-Jul-12 09:12:40

Yes he seems very happy now Butterfly, which is what he wanted all along, to live alone, see the DCs a few times a week, but with me there in the background still being on hand if he wanted a nice family meal occasionally or some sex .

All I can do is make it clear that I am not part of the deal anymore, so yes he can have the rest, but not as part of a marriage! I need more than that to be happy.

Midwife99 Tue 10-Jul-12 11:22:49

Yes good for you Doing It!!

Midwife99 Tue 10-Jul-12 11:34:05

PS My stbx is the same. All happy & cheerful. He can see DDs when he wants & in between do his own thing without being required to give anyone anything of himself except his cock to his cousin of course

MsIndependence Tue 10-Jul-12 13:37:01

Go for it DIFM- I have printed off all 3 copies of my petition and state of arrnagements for children-now just need £340 to pay to pay to lodge it with the court!!!

DoingItForMyself Tue 10-Jul-12 15:16:52

Thanks MW, nearly spat my tea on the keyboard at your comment !

so is that all I do now, print off the documents x 3 and send it to the court with the payment? Do I need to run it past stbxh or a solicitor first?

Midwife99 Tue 10-Jul-12 16:56:26

Calling Collaborate! Dunno have always used solicitors for my many divorces blush

DoingItForMyself Tue 10-Jul-12 17:06:27

Ah MW don't keep beating yourself up about the "many divorces" - it just shows that you're not a cynic, you still believe in love and partnership and being in a committed relationship even after being let down and hurt. Don't let the bastards change you.

Low-level EA is enough. I know because that's how I did it. No major things, just little things on and on and on and ...

It helps to write stuff for your solicitor. What mine suggested was say 'In the beginning he did this and said that. In the middle of the marriage it was like this. Towards the end it was like that. Overall I felt like this.' If you have a good solicitor, she will be able to turn that into something fantastic (for you not him haha)

DoingItForMyself Tue 10-Jul-12 17:15:47

Trouble is, we both agreed not to start spending money we don't have on solicitors if we can sort it out through mediation or with each other. Things have become rather more frosty since then, but I still don't want to start shelling out £££s for someone to do the basics - I'd rather save my money to spend on getting the financial settlement right! That will be the big battle, can't wait sad

Collaborate Tue 10-Jul-12 23:39:38

Don't forget to send your marriage certificate too - the original or certified (green from the register office) copy.

skyebluesapphire Thu 12-Jul-12 13:38:35

My STBXH was upset to get a letter saying I would be using UB as the reason but it was all I could use as he wouldn't start the divorce so he had to put up with it!

My solicitor put four reasons all relating to the emotional affair my H was having but won't admit to . And out OW name on the petition too.

Facebook chat, texts/emails through our holiday, 100 texts a day until he moved out, then he wrote me a nasty letter .

My H didn't defend the divorce but said he didn't accept the reasons and they would be challenged if repeated in any other context. I presume that this means that his solicitor told him that if I could prove all the points then there was no point in defending it, as he would have had to pay my costs too then.

I can just hear him sat there saying - well yes I did text her 100 times a day but it wasn't like that.....

Twunt!

According to the nasty letter he wrote to me he could have divorced me for my UB! But he couldn't be bothered so serves him right!

debbievds Thu 26-Jul-12 14:24:33

I am just in the process of starting my divorce, I have been separated for 2 years and could have gone down the road of unreasonable behaviour but felt that I would not be able to cope with my two children if my ex's behaviour became nasty. Dealing with the solicitor now and my ex is consenting to the divorce but has stated he will not take part in any mediation. Not quite sure how this will work out - if for any financial discussions this would have to be settled through Court.

DoingItForMyself Thu 26-Jul-12 15:15:00

Hope it works out ok for you Debbie. I think they insist that you try through a mediator before they allow it to go to court? Its also generally cheaper than paying solicitors' hourly fees, so he's a fool not to accept that offer.

I was originally going to wait 2 years but actually found I was watching what I said & did so as not to aggravate him, as I don't want to end up losing out financially if I upset him.

I realised that after tip-toeing around him for the last 13 years, this was my chance to be free and extract myself from his clutches, so getting the divorce sorted seemed a bit more urgent than I first thought.

Having said that, I still haven't submitted the papers, they're in my drawer waiting for me to see a solicitor and make sure I do it right, but have no money at the mo!

skyebluesapphire Thu 26-Jul-12 21:06:11

debbie if you are entitled to legal aid my solicitor said that they insist on mediation before court. If he doesn't turn up doesnt matter as long as you do, then you get legal aid for the court case too.

My solicitor said that Judges don't think too much of men who don't turn up for mediation.

onetiredmummy Sun 29-Jul-12 19:57:35

Apologies OP I don't have time to read the whole thread but wanted to reply.

Unreasonable behaviour is behaviour *that is unreasonable to you*

There's no list that has acceptable or unacceptable behaviour that you have to tick off. If things such as consistently not coming home until late is unreasonable to you then use it.

Cristina27022008 Fri 07-Nov-14 14:04:23

Hi All,

I am so glad that I found this website it is so helpful. I am just started divorce petition, I want to do all the paper works myself and have a lawyer to do just the financial issues, as I do not have much money. I live in Wimbledon and I work in the city. I would appreciate if I could meet someone went through the divorce to talk. I am so lost and scared. As I know for sure my husband will not be honest in his financial disclosure. As he always been hidden everything relative to his finances.

I am looking forward to hear from any one.

Kind Regards,

Waytoolate Mon 10-Nov-14 17:45:45

Where were you girls 40 years ago ?????
I just visited to research on wording my five UB - wanted to avoid contention. I could have done with the support you give each other 38 years ago, BUT better late than never - and it is better ! I am very happy now and have reclaimed my life and belief in myself.
Thank you all and good luck. Have faith in yourseves.

sarachambers1973 Sun 16-Nov-14 16:45:37

Hi I am going through a horrible divorce. My situation has been hard and traumatic it started a year ago I had I went into the priory to sort myself out with alcohol and post natal depression. Once I went in my mother in law and husband tried to get me sectioned twice permanently. They involved social services telling them I was a terrible mum. I was told I could not go back to the matrimonial home and would have to go to court to gain visitation to the children. I was then ordered to go do an addiction therapy course 100 moles away from my children which I did for 4 months. My husband tried to have the children taken away from me permanently be claiming I was bi polar and had border line personality disorder then stating I was schizophrenic. I had to attend an assessment with an independent psychiatric who cleared me of all three. I am now at the stage where my husband has thrown me out of the house. The courts ordered him pay a rental property fir me and now my children where I now have 50 percent share of the children. I husband threatened me with divorce right at the beginning of the year but never did anything about it. Now that I am stronger I file for divorce under unreasonable behaviour. We both agreed to the divorce bur now he us taking his time signing it off. I am.due to go to the matrimonial home to remove furniture for my new home which has been a nightmare he is so angry and assaulted me the other day in front of the chikdren over a piece of furniture . It has been a year now and I have been living in a nightmare everyday. I try to keep strong fir my children who are 6 and 4 I have explained as much as I can to them. My mother in law has played a huge part in the breakup of our marraige and controls my husband. I don't gave anyone really to talk to about it. I would love to hear from anyone who has experienced anything similar to me.

sarachambers1973 Sun 16-Nov-14 16:55:11

Just to add I know when we get to financial. Proceedings it's going to be a circus. The properties we own are all 8 me husbands name though I gave legal equitable rights in both properties however he told me yesterday he has put a pin on the matrimonial home nit sure what that is but he has made a life a living hell. I am going to be moving back to burgess hill West Sussex where I have no family or friends. It means I can be with me chikdren. I am.hoping that things will move on and I can start again . I have no regrets over the divorce. Any man that us married to their mother cannot be with his wife. I put down the fact he used hardcore porn throughout my marriage had liaisons with prostitutes and strippers on live websites. Also lack is emotional support.
He physically attacked me on holiday last year. And also I was in a marriage of three. How would any wife be able to cope with that? ? Would love to hear from anyone. Sara

TheNewWitchOfSWL Thu 20-Nov-14 14:39:30

Hi Sara, hope your situation improves soon.
I am following this thread, will post again later on with the UB of my ex to see if you guys can help with the wording.
Also what's the 6 months rule? Do we need to wait 6 months after separating to start divorce procedure?
Anyone ever did a divorce through wikivorce?

TheNewWitchOfSWL Thu 20-Nov-14 22:17:02

Mine are:

Prone to mood swings making me feel anxious.
Excessive drinking leading to inability to control emotions.
Withdrawl behaviour when not drinking.
Spending too much time socialising after work making me feel lonely.
Unwillingness to socialise as a family.
Difficulty in communicating.

I am trying to put it mildly but you can guess what lies behind. He is very P-A and I suspect he has borderline personality disorder and is depressed to some degree.

I don't want to wait for the 2 year period but I want to keep it friendly for our daughter's sake. He moved out on the 02/11 and I am just giving it a bit of time for him to feel stronger before `i serve the papers. He really struggled with the idea of separating.

marivotix Fri 21-Nov-14 15:36:47

I am starting also the divorce petition and I am unsure on how to put the reasons for the unreasonable behaviour. I started doing it but after reading the messages here I am not sure if I am explaining too much. I am going to write what I have done so far and I will appreciate any help:

- There have been considerable difficulties in the marriage since January 2013 due our cultural and religious differences (Muslim/Christian), leading to unbearable discussions and fights and making our living together really stressful, not the ideal atmosphere for our child.
- Withdrawal of love and affection which upset me greatly. All love and affection have disappear by now. Barely any intimacy during all this time.
- We have nothing in common any more, no socialising together as couple or as a family, doing each of us our own plans.
-As result of our differences we found impossible to continue living together, so the respondent vacated permanently the matrimonial home on January 2014 since when we have lived entirely separated and apart.
- Since we living apart the situation is much better for both of us

marivotix Fri 21-Nov-14 15:37:07

thanks!!

tessy111 Mon 24-Nov-14 02:32:31

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Boomingmarvellous Sat 20-Dec-14 19:27:12

That is a bit wordy.

There isn't a lot if space to put stuff so numbered sentences are better and clearer. Also put how the respondents behaviour makes you feel. About 5 incidences should be enough.

1 the respondent is cold and distant towards me and does not participate in family life, this makes me feel isolated and lonely.

2 respondent checks my financial outgoings making me feel unable to buy essential items. I feel controlled

3 respondent spends an unreasonable amount of the family finances on his hobbies and buying electronic equipment making me resentful of his extravagance.

Etc. ........

Worked for me!

Boomingmarvellous Sat 20-Dec-14 19:29:32

You can get it for yourself for £430 and ask the court to get half the costs from him. Intelligent divorce has a step by step 'how to fill in the paperwork' page!

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