Locked out of DH's garage

[auroramusisamica]

Am silently fuming as DH has converted our garage into his 'studio' and refuses to give me a key. It has been about a year now and I didn't think much of it first, we agreed it was his place to work, is filled with his things and I had no desire to go in there.
However it has been dawning on me that I don't like being locked out of part of my house. There have been occasions when I wanted to access things (like blank DVDs or paint brushes) and couldn't get them.

I do go in there with him but I have asked for a key, several times over the last few months and he says I don't need one, it is just his stuff, he doesn't want me in there going through things etc.

If he had just given me one first I would have no interest but now it has become this big issue and his refusal is making me want to go through it (which is not like me, I know he has porn there & I don't mind, but he knows I know this so must be something else right?)

So AIBU to want a key, surely if he had nothing to hide he would just give me one?

So the trust issue hinges on the concealment being "innocent". If he has a blameless garage which he locks his wife out of - the garage she owns as much as he does - then that's OK? But if it's full of kiddy porn then she's justified in breaking in?

This is is her house. She is being locked out. Her trust is irrelevant; he does not trust her.

FFS, why are you still going to sit down and 'talk to him again', ? So he can turn round & say you're being unreasonable by wanting a key? So you then demand one, he goes into shed & wipes all the dodgy porn/ illegal porn/ child porn/gambling website/ affair history. . Or whatever. . Off the computer & then gives you a key.
I would be going in there when he is there, unannounced & see exactly what he is doing in there or looking at. I wouldn't be 'popping my head in' either. I think secretly deep down you know there's something dodgy but are just too scared to find out.
I certainly wouldn't have been able to bury my head in the sand over it for do long. . . Certainly not after 400 people have since told you it's wrong too. You didn't answer the question about the finances. Have you seen any of your bank statements lately? Either hubby's or joint account? Might give you some clue if he is spending money on porn/gambling/affair?. . . Or are all the bank statements locked in there too [hmm
Good luck whatever the outcome.

I would put it a bit differently actually.

It has to be one of two things:

Either, everything's innocent in there but for some reason he does not trust YOU

OR

He has something seriously dodgy in there, meaning you cannot trust HIM and he knows he'd be in the shit if you found out about it.

Either way, it's a problem which you need to get sorted out.

He must have some bloody big secret in there to be taking it to the extreme of passworded computer, locked door, key on person at all times and spare key hidden.

WOW. After 17 pages of reading I suggest you put your own security cameras (this would be reasonable if there have been break ins) and train one on the door to his shed. That way you can see if he is moving things out after you talk to him about getting a key.

I'm surprised at the number of people who say they'd break down doors before they'd talk to their partners...

And the number who suggest they get and expect no privacy at all in their relationships...

And the number who see a conspiracy rather than a communication failure...

And the number who are sure they know the OP's husband better than she knows him herself...

And the number who assume the OP's partner knows what is going on inside her head without being told...

And the number who think 'two wrongs make a right', and the best way to deal with an unreasonable situation is to behave more unreasonably...

The bottom line is that if the OP is anywhere close to breaking into the garage, setting up her own security camera, hiring a private detective, etc., then her marriage is already over. If she feels she needs to do these things, then she just needs to leave him.

But she clearly values her relationship and doesn't think it's over. So she needs to act to make things better, not worse.

Agatha - Don't forget the security camera!

Flow4 - you speak a lot of sense. Luckily OP seems to be following your advice rather the more extreme posters. There could be many explanations for OP's husband's behaviour many of which would not merit ending a marriage over. She needs to tread carefully whilst making sure her reasonable request for access to the garage is agreed to.

If I were you I'd have turned the house upside down looking for the spare key by now.

quietlysuggests
Or find a local private detective - this is what I would do honestly.

I look forward to explaining the bill, too of typically £45 an hour + exes, and £120 an hour for computer forensics. Wait, it's not your PC?

And the local chap explaining that you're now guilty of conspiracy to commit an offence under the computer misuse act too. See also this advice, and I think Mareva and Anton Piller.

Helpful too might be this article in which I like

What is a breach of confidence?

It is a breach of confidence if you, without the permission of your spouse, examine, make, retain or supply copies to a third party of a document whose contents are, were (or ought to have been), appreciated by you to be confidential to your spouse. The court?s view is that everyone has a right to confidentiality and can choose whether and, if so, to whom and in what circumstances and on what terms to reveal the information which has the protection of confidence.

What types of communication are likely to be regarded as private and confidential?

Communications covered are all of those concerning an individual?s family or private life, including personal and family finances and business dealings.

Clear examples of a breach of confidence include the following:-

Breaking locks and stealing documents.
Opening mail and failing to forward letters to the intended recipient.
Accessing a computer which is password protected.
Reading personal diaries or journals.
Retrieving messages on a personal mobile telephone.

I wonder what legal guidance would suggest for a party who is denied admittance to an area of their jointly owned property by the other joint owner?

I would be really unhappy with this situation. It's not so much that the partner wants to retain some privacy, but that he fails to understand why his chosen means of ensuring this are so unacceptable to OP, and worse, attempts to turn the description of the situation around to make the OP look and feel unreasonable.

I really don't believe that he would go to the trouble of installing a camera in this room purely to safeguard his music gear (it wouldn't safeguard it anyway, just potentially make it easier for police to catch a burglar) yet have the rest of the house less well protected/monitored. The rest of the house contains his children, for goodness sake, what could be more valuable than them?

I've no idea what the way forward would be in this situation. I just know that I would find it intolerable.

AgathaF IANAL, but I don't want anyone to think they can just break into their spouses computer etc.

OneMoreChap I agree that the more extreme idea, such as getting someone to hack the DH's computer are inadvisable. Surely though, having a locked room that one has no access to in a shared, family home is unacceptable.

I agree With you, Agatha that a person who was worried about break-ins would be more advised to put CCTV on the outside of the house, nice and visible to burglars, covering the house house with his precious wife and DC.

One more chap.

If the lock is owned by them attached to a door owned by them and the computer is also owned by them it shouldn't be an issue.

You are perfectly legally allowed to break down your own door. The last time I had a private detective go through a laptop ( due to a perfectly reasonable suspicion of illegal pornography) it was confirmed that as I owned the laptop it was legal to do so the laptop was checked then delivered to the police on my instruction.

Fwiw I personally wouldn't do so as I'm a lock stuff up type but then again I would never jointly own anything with anyone so I would never be in a position where I would be locking a person out of a room owned by them if I was locking anyone out of anywhere it would be mine not there's.

"that one has no access to in a shared, family home is unacceptable."

Well, as I put earlier, for me, not being able to get into the garage wouldn´t bother me at all-if there was nothing in there that I would ever need.

diddl

It's not that she can't - she's been told she's not allowed to.

sorry, didn't express that very well. I meant that if I asked to go in there I can't think of any logical reason why that should be denied me, OR a bloody convincing explanation why not.

Hi all I am still here reading although I don't really think I have much more to add except that I am grateful for all the advice & comments

FWIW he does have another small camera on the house. The garage internal one is supposed to help identify if we did have a break in (that's his theory anyway)

I would be surprised if its money as his salary goes in our joint account & I get the stub and do all bill paying. He does have a separate account for the business but leaves the statements & credit card ones on the side for me to file so not sure there could be anything going on there.

It technically is his computer as he bought it & I have my own laptop to use. I am afraid I might never completely get to the bottom of it as breaking in & hacking just seem too extreme for me (& if it is a privacy thing he might never trust me again) although were he to leave it open the devil on my shoulder might force me to have a peek!

Will be having some serious words (maybe threats if he refuses again) & hopefully get somewhere.

Tease

I know, I know. Must stop posting, I think I have said all I can anyway and can't offer any exciting developments

Jamie-yes of course-he´s actually saying no & refusing to give a key which is shit.

Also knowing my husband-as I´m sure OP knows hers, I wouldn´t think it was illegal/drugs/porn.