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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Locked out of DH's garage

614 replies

auroramusisamica · 18/11/2012 22:16

Am silently fuming as DH has converted our garage into his 'studio' and refuses to give me a key. It has been about a year now and I didn't think much of it first, we agreed it was his place to work, is filled with his things and I had no desire to go in there.
However it has been dawning on me that I don't like being locked out of part of my house. There have been occasions when I wanted to access things (like blank DVDs or paint brushes) and couldn't get them.

I do go in there with him but I have asked for a key, several times over the last few months and he says I don't need one, it is just his stuff, he doesn't want me in there going through things etc.

If he had just given me one first I would have no interest but now it has become this big issue and his refusal is making me want to go through it (which is not like me, I know he has porn there & I don't mind, but he knows I know this so must be something else right?)

So AIBU to want a key, surely if he had nothing to hide he would just give me one?

OP posts:
loopylou6 · 21/11/2012 16:05

Wow, i hope you get to the bottom of this, its all very strange.

LessMissAbs · 21/11/2012 17:05

OneMoreChap don't lecture me. I am perfectly capable of selecting the parts of your post I wish to quote, and ignoring the rest because its not worth commenting on

Scheherezade · 21/11/2012 18:01

Probably already been suggested but I suggest a crack team of MN cat burglars in the dead of night ;)

dumbo1 · 21/11/2012 18:09

Hi op

I have just read the thread and spoke to dh
He said he would cut the electrics so the camera does not work and then unscrew the hinges of the door and have a good look around
You could boot the computer outside the room

Then he would put everything back

He thought it was very suspicious

I hope it all turns out ok for you

salemsparklys · 21/11/2012 18:14

If my DH locked me out a room, refused to let me in and wouldnt give me a key, I would be making arrangments for him to not be my DH for much longer, he clearly doesn't trust you and that would be a big issue for me.

Fairylea · 21/11/2012 18:42

I'm quite surprised how many people seem to think it's normal to have a password protected computer in your own house with a password your other half doesn't know about... its all so secretive to me. Dh and I are really transparent with each other.. we know each others log ins for everything. Not because it's everbeen agreed or anything but we are always using each others stuffand would never think to hide anything.

This whole thread has boggled my brain... this is part of your house!! Of course you should have access to it!

My ex dh was always very secretive about his phone and laptop which were both protected with passwords I didn't know. He left me for an ex of his that he had left a long time before I came along and they had found each other on facebook. Lovely.

If you have a really good relationship there is no need for privacy beyond the norms of bodily functions such as having a poo!

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/11/2012 19:04

Fairylea DH had a password protected computer I didn't have the password to for ages. Not because he didn't want me too, just didn't ever use his. The issue isn't knowing the password or not or having the key or not, it is his refusal and subsequent anger and frustration. Very, very suspect.

PessaryPam · 21/11/2012 19:09

dumbo1 your DH is a smart cookie.

OneMoreChap · 21/11/2012 19:10

LessMissAbs
OneMoreChap don't lecture me.

FFS! PCKB

I am perfectly capable of selecting the parts of your post I wish to quote, and ignoring the rest yes, either because you want to mislead, or because you haven't really read it; or at least understood it.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo · 21/11/2012 19:16

People lead all sorts of secret lives... For example this woman had lots of human remains hidden in her flat, that she used to make love with. She claims to only feel complete when with a dead person.

Not that I think your dh is doing that, but it is very suspicious that you have absolutely no access.

Dh has his own study, he never locks the door. What for? I dont snoop, he doesnt snoop, we have no reason to snoop or lock doors, we have nothing to hide.

YourHandInMyHand · 21/11/2012 19:27

Ooh I like the crime stoppers suggestion. Devious! Might shock him into realising his behaviour is not normal too.

YourHandInMyHand · 21/11/2012 19:30

"Yes I get you want to not rush into it but if you just talk to him then he is going to hide everything and you will never know what he has done. Does that not bother you? I couldn't live with my husband knowing he may have done something awful, and for the rest of my life just shrug it off because you will never know. How are you going to feel if you talk and at best he will say he will get you a key, and off course, by the time you get said key, he will of got rid of anything he didn't want you to see. And find some other way of doing whatever it is, somewhere else where you have no control over. How is this going to help? PLEASE do explain this to me as I can't get my head around why anybody would want to do that? My priority would be finding out once and for all and then making a decision from there."

LillllyLovesLife - I agree completely.

It's very naiive to ask him and demand a key, he will just have chance to cover his tracks. He may be doing something really lame like flirting with an old flame on facebook or he may be doing something sinister. Either way I would want to know. Even if it's something really lame and pathetic I don't think I could continue a marriage with someone so controlling and manipulative.

CaptainVonTrapp · 21/11/2012 20:29

Fairy If you both have your own computer then there is no need to use the other persons computer.

Computers should be password protected so they can't be used by any unintended people. Children, visiting children,(for their protection) cleaner, workmen (for your own protection) are just a few examples. If we're talking about a work computer it may contain sensitive data which should be secured.

I have no issue with a password protected computer. A locked door on the other hand...

AmberLeaf · 21/11/2012 20:34

He's wanking on Chatroulette.

flow4 · 21/11/2012 20:47

Oh for goodness sake.

Aurora, I am glad you are so level-headed. Your plan sounds sensible. Follow your instincts. You will have a much better idea than any of us about whether your husband is just being a bit of a prat, or some kind of a criminal mastermind. Hmm In between these two extremes are a lot of other possible explanations, most of them pretty innocent.

Good luck :)

IneedAsockamnesty · 21/11/2012 21:10

Password protected computer password known only by owner of computer = perfectly normal acceptable.

Password protected computer in locked room no other entry allowed = weird behaviour.

chubbychipmonk · 21/11/2012 21:15

Zzzzzz. . . 3 days & 400+ replies later & we're STILL no further forward than 'talking to him' again. . .

I look forward to the next post by the OP when either the affair has been discovered in 6 months time or the police are at the door enquiring into the download of illegal images.

myroomisatip · 21/11/2012 21:21

IMO It isnt right, it isnt normal and it isnt acceptable.

I am sure it isnt legal to lock you out of any part of your own home for a start.

I go with the point of view that you need access now. If you give your DP a chance he will clear out/away everything incriminating.

As soon as you feel able, I would demand access immediately! To everything, the room, the p.c. everything. If your DP will not comply, in your position, I would commence divorce proceedings. :( Simple as!

Your perception of your relationship with your DP is different to his perception of your relationship. And I do not think he has any respect for you, let alone love you. Sorry.

forgetmenots · 21/11/2012 22:14

Not to mention the security cameras Hmm sockreturningpixie.

It's actually not even the 'what' that's the problem -it's the 'why'.
It doesn't matter whether he is pure as the driven snow, or guilty as sin. You shouldn't be denied access to part of your own home and that should have been immediately recognised and corrected when you raised it.

Kiwiinkits · 21/11/2012 23:45

I came on here, having watched this thread with baited breath for the last few days, to see if the OP knows anything. Seems not. VERY disappointed, this is the most mystery I've had in my life for aaaaaaages.

holstenlips · 21/11/2012 23:50

this thread needs a The End..driving me crackers!!

AgathaF · 22/11/2012 07:33

chubbychipmonk - "I look forward to the next post by the OP when either the affair has been discovered in 6 months time or the police are at the door enquiring into the download of illegal images. "

Really?? You look forward to that?

This is someone's life, not a tv drama. The OP has to do what feels right for her because she has to live this life.

NotaDisneyMum · 22/11/2012 07:38

The worry is, if the police do knock on the door, the OP will have to try and convince them that she had no access to the room and her DH routinely locked her out.

As a defence in a police interview it's not very convincing Confused

LilllyLovesLife · 22/11/2012 08:50

Exactly NotaDisneyMum, you always hear of these things where the wife claims innocence but it's quite hard to believe when it's in their own house.

GoldenAutumn · 22/11/2012 09:20

I can hardly see the sky on this thread, there are so many vultures circling. Hmm