To think he should buy a new fucking engagement ring!?

[BlueSuedeStiletto]

I got a text from my ex fiance this morning saying:

"Hiya, this might sound a bit weird, but can I have the engagement ring back?? Think I may have found a new recipient!"

My face was like this .

I've not seen him for a while- since I picked the last of my stuff up- and have been distancing myself, but he didn't mention anything when I saw him. I asked him when we split if he wanted the ring back, and he said no.

Obviously I don't wear the ring, but it still means something. And what woman in their right mind would want a ring chosen by a man's ex and worn by her for nearly 3 years? I think that's pretty insulting for both of us. AIBU??

Hmm good point Bogey, but then some men are quite shite at making stuff up!

I wouldn't bet on him having invented her either.

My husband went to get 'my' engagement ring back off his ex!

I didn't know this for years!

He saw it as his ring, that he gave to 'his' woman. He had the sense to not bloody tell me that though!

So it may well be true.

I later sold the ring and told him I'd lost it.

Sending the ring back won't guarantee that you never hear from him again.

Changing your phone number will.

I agree that whether you send it back or not he will still find excuses to harrass contact you.

Change your number and have nothing more to do with him or his poison. You really will be all the better for it.

YABU. I thought an engagement ring was given on the understanding you would get married? I have given an engagement ring back to an ex. It wouldn't occur to me to have kept it.

No Hammy, the law states that an engagement ring is a gift unless you make specific arrangements to give it back (for example a family heirloom). A few of us have linked to the marriage reform act 1970 above if you want to check.

Unbelievable.

Him for saying that he wanted to give it to someone else.
OP for not returning it in the first place

Do you want your ring back?

Shouldn't have had to ask, FFS, she should have returned it immediately

It was a gift. Obviously. As has been said as infinitum.

The money he fleeced her for car repairs wasn't.

OneMoreChap - legally it's hers, why should she return it?

How romantic.
'Darling... Will you marry me? (Once I get the ring back from my ex - your fingers are about the same size)

confuddledDOTcom

legally it's hers, why should she return it

Because legal and moral are two different things?

An engagement ring is surely given in anticipation of a marriage, and if it doesn't take place it should be returned...

unless you espouse the Zsa-Zsa Gabor style of "I never hated a man enough to give him back his diamonds".

If the twat owes her for car repairs there are ways and means.

Um, excuse me, but I think I have made it quite clear that it it wasn't "Do you want your ring back"- I left it on the side and he picked it up and gave it to me. I told him to keep it but he insisted that it was a gift and therefore mine. I'm not sure exactly what more you would expect me to do OneMoreChap, but at the time my whole life had fallen apart and I didn't really want to stand arguing about a ring. And my mind wasn't exactly on potential future implications!

Also, this was getting on for 2 years ago now. My point was that firstly and engagement ring is a gift, and although it can be seen otherwise he could have taken it at the time with no resistance from me. It's odd that he is asking for it after all this time, and very wrong that he want's to give it to someone else.

Anyway, that aside, the situation is most odd. I'm sure this woman does exist but they're not together and I had lots of strange and abusive texts last night. No real conversation, all over the place and jumping from subject to subject- I suspect there was alcohol involved. It appears he is struggling to move on despite making to effort to address the issues at the time. Sigh. Not my problem though, I gave it my best and things are good for me at the moment. I have told him not to contact me again. I think the best course of action now it to sell it myself and possibly send him some money (although I'm not sure why I should given the car repairs!)

Hecete I can't believe your DH did that! What a weird way to look at it. He always sounds quite sensible when you talk about him!

OneMoreChap Thing is, I didn't end the relationship, he did, without ever talking it through with me or responding to any attempt I made to fix things. If I'd dumped him then morally I'd agree that returning it would be the done thing.

But it wasn't it was him that finished it in the end, although the feeling was mutual, and him that insisted I take it. How do you square that morally!?

OP: I asked him when we split if he wanted the ring back, and he said no.

BlueSuedeStiletto Mon 19-Nov-12 14:27:01
Um, excuse me, but I think I have made it quite clear that it it wasn't "Do you want your ring back"- I left it on the side and he picked it up and gave it to me. I told him to keep it but he insisted that it was a gift and therefore mine.

1. No, read what you said originally, not that clear!
2. You still kept it

As I said, he's completely unreasonable in any case.

It was weird. very weird. I only found out because I happened to see a photo of her and thought hang on, that ring looks familiar

Ever practical, I suppose

A wedding planning book I had covered this subject. I don't know if this is legally or just morally but from the links I guess it was morally.

But it said if the man ended the relationship the woman kept the ring and if the woman ended the relationship she had to return the ring.

I wasn't aware that you'd be needing the exact wording

I went to leave it because I assumed he would want it. When he told me to keep it I asked him if he wanted it.

Yes I still kept it. He told me to, so I did. I'm not sure why you think that is unreasonable- should I have assumed that he didn't really mean it!?

Hec Thank god it was after years of marriage that you found out! Bless him, maybe he bought it at 18 in preparation for the future!

Nah, I think he's a twat.
I think your OP wasn't clear, which is why I boggled a bit.

Can't imagine why you'd want to keep a reminder of a twat like that, so bit puzzled why you did, but none of my beeswax. Had our situations been reversed, I'd have chucked it at him.

Morally??? Morals are personal, just because that's your morals doesn't mean that it should be used to dictate everyone else's!

It still sounds like people are educating themselves on their own country by watching American TV...

Maybe it wasn't clear enough. Sorry 'bout that!

I kept it mainly because he insisted he wanted me to have it. I always intended to sell it- it's very expensive to end a relationship and have to move! I've just never quite got round to it. The jeweler who valued it said I'd get a better result on Ebay rather then pawning it and I've not quite figured out how Ebay works yet. (But I'm gonna have to soon as I've got loads of old toot stuff to sell!)

I don't keep it as a reminder of him or our relationship in any way!

No, you're not being unreasonable. The law states that when an engagement ring is given, that is exactly what happened, it was given to you by him so it's yours to keep. The only loophole would be if you agreed at the time he GAVE it to you that you would return it if you were to split, or if the ring happened to be a family heirloom, then he would still have a fight on his hands to get it back. If he tries to claim it was a family heirloom, you can prove him wrong because all gold jewellery is stamped with a symbol that represents the year it was made. I'm sure his new prospective wife would be devastated if she knew what he was planning to do. How dare he?
The ring's yours, don't let him have it, especially if he plans to pass it on to another woman. Keep it for her sake, unless you don't like her. If that's the case, take a picture of yourself wearing it, give it back and show her the picture when she gushing over it and showing all her friends the beautiful engagement ring her loving fiance picked out just for her.

confuddledDOTcom Mon 19-Nov-12 14:47:34
Morally??? Morals are personal, just because that's your morals doesn't mean that it should be used to dictate everyone else's!

... but a post in AIBU suggests responses are required, and not necessarily by people who agree with you.

It still sounds like people are educating themselves on their own country by watching American TV...

Sorry, that's gone completely over my head.
My education on my own country was largely in this country - although admittedly not entirely - and most of the American TV I watched was in the the USA.

Going by his text rant and the way he thought this woman he knows 'from a group of friends' might want to marry him, he sounds like a weirdo. And I think you sound as though you still know way too much about his life considering you've been exes for nearly two years.

And the ring's yours. Sell it. Treat yourself to something. Delete his phone number and change yours.

I agree that he's being unreasonable. Take the high ground, say I'm really really pleased that you've found someone special but I'm sorry I sold the ring like we agreed.
I really can't imagine his new fiancé being best pleased to know that it was a ring that you'd picked and worn for so long too.