Sigh. I have to stick a wooden spoon up dh's arse, don't I?

[HoneyDragon]

For 11 years of marriage I have put up with his pathological need to stir what ever is bubbling in a pan. I can live with it.

But he waited till I was out with the dog, and BUTCHERED my chicken into a shredded stringy globby mess!

He had clearly chopped it with the spoon then bashed and shredded it and stirred it into fuckery oblivion. Rendering a dish where you should have had a choice of leg or breast into Chicken and Paprika porridge. Because "It's better that way". The lid did not need lifting, the pan did not need stirring. The dc's were presented with a favourite meal and instead both gave me WTAF is this faces.

AIBU to think he you shouldn't fuck with another persons poultry like an obsessive spoonyfucker?

I've never really understood the difference between paella and risotto before

Dh also is a dishwasherunderloadingfucker. Will happily put the dishwasher on with 1 glass 2 plates and a fork in it. When I quick glance around the kitchen will show a couple of pans on the hob, undoubtably the grill pan will be dirty because he is also a hidethegrillpanbackinthegrillsoglaikithasrowashitfucker, cups fro his copious mugs of coffee, teaspoons abandoned when he's finished stirring it, then looks all hurt when I ask why he put the dishwasher on half empty saying I thought I was helping!

God this is very cathartic!

DH is an underwasherupperfucker. He will wash plates (badly - he never cleans the underside, even though the dirty plates have been stacked) and cutlery (again badly - he doesn't wash the handles so they stay grimy) but he seems unable to notice that pots and particularly oven trays need washing too. I'll go in and see that there's still half of the washing up to do. And he never, ever washes the sink or draining board. I laugh whenever I see that finish advert about how you'd never wash your dishes in a dirty sink... Luckily we have a dishwasher now. But he loads it badly, of course.

He's also a lazyhooveringfucker. He doesn't pick anything up off the floor; instead he hovers round discarded toys etc.

DH is a pruneyfucker... I am currently trying to convince him he doesn't want to buy the chainsaw he's found on ebay. If only I was joking.
Previous conversations include "where's the spinach I planted" DH "oh I thought it looked a bit like spinach when I pulled it out" .

May I suggest a welsh lovespoon for insertion purposes as it is an act of affection on your behalf.
www.welsh-love-spoons.com/?gclid=CPib8frT2rMCFU3HtAod7DMASA

DH cut back the brambles in our old garden just as the fruit was about to ripen. I was aghast, and the kids were very disappointed. It took me ages the year we moved in to get him to stop hyperventilating about the kids eating the brambles. You'd think I wanted to feed them rat poison or something.

I have a cantputplatesinapilefucker, he does the washing up but will take a plate into the kitchen and put it next to another plate rather on top of it. It ends up with a work top covered in plates, drives me insanio I tell you.

He is also a walkpastthebinfucker and will put empty cartons, crisp packets etc on the work top instead of in the bin.

I should LTB!

DP has finally stopped trying to help in the kitchen, with the single exception of being a knobturnerdownfucker. He does, wonder of wonders, ask me what I am doing so as not to interfere......

When I need a pan on high heat, he keeps telling me to turn it down so the fat doesn't sizzle everywhere. But stirfries need the heat.

He's trying to use the fact that I got a burn from the hot oil last time as justification. I had a smoking wok, put some oil in and added the meat, getting a blob of oil on my arm in the process. No big deal, these things happen. Burn looks like a teardrop actually, about 1.5cm big.

I think that the Mumsnet Academy is missing a huge trick here. They need to be running classes for our other halves on all the issues mentioned in this thread. The "How Not To Be An Irritating Fucker Who Is About To Be Murdered To Death" course, perhaps.

I LOVE that course. They would sell tonnes of gift vouchers for it

Argh! After complaining DH is a spoonyfucker and a gobblyfucker, not to mention his ability to use every single pot, pan and utensil just to cook the simplest of meals, he's now gained the notorious title of cannotputclothesawayfucker...

I took the kids out yesterday and asked DH to put the washed and ironed clothes away - it is impossible more awkward to do with a 18mth old following behind, he tends to empty the drawers right behind me. The clothes were already sorted and it was literally a 5 minute job. So I get back, tired and harrassed, to find DH the fucker sat on the laptop and the clothes (except his) right where I left them. His excuse? He didn't know where they went and didn't want to get it wrong! Erm, how about the radical idea of opening the drawers/cupboards and seeing what is already in there?! After I ripped him a new arsehole shouted a bit, he decided it would be a good idea to bathe the kids, get them ready for bed and pour me a glass of wine!

He also thought it would be a good idea to cook our dinner whilst I was putting the kids to bed. It was simply pan fried lamb chops with a greek salad, but he managed to create a sink full of dishes, including a pastry brush!?

Herr Rollmops has the stirring habit as well. Is this something gender related? We must be told!

My DH is another pruneyfucker. He is now only supposed to prune under supervision but has on several occasions massacred a shrub "because it was attacking me when I was mowing the lawn". When he mows the lawn I try to remember to say "If anything attacks you ask me before you cut anything". I have given up on annuals, any sort of seedlings, etc. and now only have large shrubs and perennials. I blame his upbringing on a farm - he still thinks he's operating on an agricultural scale!

Mine is a I'lljustdothat properly foryoufucker

I leave him to it and I never where anything is when he's looking for it

Mine is also a Don'tknowwhereitgoesfucker - and the boys are taking after him. We have been in this house for four years and they can still feign blank ignorance when it comes to finding thing or putting them away in the right place.

And a Can'tseeitevenwhenitisrightinfrontofemfucker.

Mine is a 'mustchopitlikeatvchef' type. Unless the food is sliced so thin you can see through it, its crap. Apparently having carrots in rounds is a fucking abomination. And heaven help me if I chop an onion in normal way, and not into smaller than grains of rice sizes. And, he uses his special knife that I am banned from, then leaves it for me to handwash (its far to good to go in the dishwasher.) I wont even start on 'presentation'.

Does he 'build the dish', Icanhasanickname? If so, you have to leave the bastard - there is no other option. >

He's not so much a 'builder', but has actual hissy fits when I 'slop' his dinner on his plate. Once...I served a slice of lasagne upside down and he almost went white with the suppressed rage he was feeling.

Ican
Get a 3 inch length of drain pipe, slop his food in there in layers. Whip off the drainpipe just as you get to the table and put the plate down before the lovingly constructed tower landslides across the plate.

Remember to say "ta-da" or similar.

Or Icanhasnickname could fill a squirty bottle with brown sauce and write U R a Cheffyfucker in loopy writing around the Ginsters pie which she has slapped into the middle of an oversized white plate?

I thought this thread was gonna be about constipation and trying to get it out.

OP you have dissapointed me

Can I take back everything I said about dh please. I'm ill today and he has looked after me and ds while not feeling well himself. He is a trouper.

Not read the thread. Just the title.

I assume you're going to Centre Parks so yes, you do have to stick a wooden spoon up his arse. They should have sent you a leaflet explaining all that with the tickets.

Tell him when he is doing the cooking then he can cook it how he likes but to interfere like that is very annoying. Or could he not have left some whole pieces in there for you?

Do CentreParcs allow spoonfuckery? Or are they just about the bumsex?