Sigh. I have to stick a wooden spoon up dh's arse, don't I?

[HoneyDragon]

For 11 years of marriage I have put up with his pathological need to stir what ever is bubbling in a pan. I can live with it.

But he waited till I was out with the dog, and BUTCHERED my chicken into a shredded stringy globby mess!

He had clearly chopped it with the spoon then bashed and shredded it and stirred it into fuckery oblivion. Rendering a dish where you should have had a choice of leg or breast into Chicken and Paprika porridge. Because "It's better that way". The lid did not need lifting, the pan did not need stirring. The dc's were presented with a favourite meal and instead both gave me WTAF is this faces.

AIBU to think he you shouldn't fuck with another persons poultry like an obsessive spoonyfucker?

I am getting very angry reading this thread.
DP is a putsgrillpansandbakingtraysbackintheovenbeforethey'vebeenwashedfucker.

He did this recently after we'd made some gingerbread men. The baking tray had quite a lot of oil on it, as well as a couple of g-bread men.
Then he turned the oven on full whack to roast some salmon.
Without checking, as usual.
Obviously the poor g-men ended up immolated and DP's there going:
"Merrrhhhrrrrr....eeehhrrrrrr.....help.....it's on fiiiyyyeeerrrrrr....."

Then the knobhead set about trying to take the flaming tray out of the oven with cloth oven gloves. I shoved him out of the way and shut the oven door to let the blaze die.

The tool.

Open the oven door this morning, what do I see? An oily baking dish from last night's meatballs.......

Oh, and several pps have mentioned five spice.
I'd been mulling a lot of some red wine for a while, with cloves, cinnamon, raisins and almonds in.......
She dumps a load of fucking five spice in, thinking she was being helpful.

She being a friend - was so enraged I forgot to elaborate there

This is a very funny thread.

DP adds BISTO to everything - every-fucking-thing! Even the worlds perfect SpagBog that I've simmered gently for over an hour. I nip in to resettle DD and when I come out he says "yeah it's great now I've added some Bisto".

Did I say 'adds' - sorry ment to use past tense "added" as he will NEVER add fucking Bisto to anything I cook again though he still adds it to most stuff he cooks.

This thread has made me smile so much. I too am married to a justcannotleaveitalone spoonyfucker. I'm so happy there is now a name for this condition so that we can move towards a cure.
Thank you.

Moving things outside the home, dh is a Takeshourscomparingpricesfucker in the supermarket. He can stand comparing the prices for different pack sizes and types of whatever product it is we need, for fecking HOURS. That's OK when he is on his own, though he is then a Goesintotinydetailabouthisbargainsfucker, so I have to listen and look admiring whilst he goes through every single purchase option and why he went for whatever it was he eventually chose.

But when we are doing the big weekly shop, it makes me stabby with rage. He has to um and er about every single bloody thing on the list, whilst all I want to do is make a quick decision and go onto the next thing on the list, but he is still working out the price per kilo of every single pack size and type of cheddar in the chiller cabinet. Usually I abandon hi to his musings, and whip through the next dozen or so items on the list before he wanders back and tells me all about the different cheddar prices.

Oh, and he walks round holding the shopping list, and asking me what we are looking for next.

I'm doing the shopping online this week.

SDTG
Oh yes DH is mustcompareeverypossiblepurchaseoptionfucker. We went shopping with him to a shopping centre he wanted to buy trousers. Me and the kids got bored of trousercomparingtwattery after 20 mins so we went to a cafe for a drink and a biscuit. When we'd finished we went back to the shop to find he was still faffing with trousers.

After all that - he didn't buy any

We must have the patience of saints, Chaz - otherwise they would be found stuffed head first into whatever product they are faffing over.

I am rejoicing in a fucker-free house tonight - dh away for work, ds1 at university and ds2 and ds3 off to some hockey training. So it will be just me and the dogs.

Though they are sheddingmorefurthantheyactuallyhavefuckers.

Oh.

Truthfully, I try to avoid going shopping with him when he wants to get something for himself. Pre-kids it was easy I could just install myself in the nearest bookshop and while away the hours...

I get a bit twitchy over the 10+ mins in homebase looking for the right kind of string a couple of weeks ago.

I think if we were ever to go shopping for kitchen knives there might be an unfortunate incident

DP is a comparethepricesofeverythingfucker, if I go to the supermarket without him it takes at least 20 mins less to endure the ordeal and usually costs me £50 ish less coz I just get what we need.

Having said that, DP's expertness in being iamtheonlyonewhocandothisrightfucker means that for the last eight years or so (I did put up with being criticised for a couple of years) I have not touched a hoover or a duster, I am tentative with the dishwasher and washing up. Suspect he has shot himself in the foot.

Now if only he would really go on about being a bacongoesineverythingtwit, I might marry him never cook again love him forever!

I love this thread!
I was married to a clearitawayinstantlyfucker. I wouldn't e en have finished my tea before the cup was whisked away and washed
He was also a arranginginadisplayfucker of items I would happily chucked in the bin
He is ex fucker now

STDG - my DH is the same. He spends hours trying to decide on anything. At the moment, he's trying to decide which smartphone to get. He has watched literally hours of comparison videos on the internet, speaks to shop assistants on a daily basis as to what their favourite is, what the features are, asks friends, random people - this has been going on for three weeks and his conclusion last night - "I want a hybrid of the two".

I am learning to use this to my advantage - he does all the leg work, careful research and what not, and I get to decide (because he is completely unable to). It's brilliant! Saves me having to do any research or checking for flights, hotels, big electrical items, outings, holidays, anything really. I just get to decide

For cooking, he's never really learned (though he is now) so is still at the "shove everything in at the same time and cook at the highest heat" stage.

Maybe the chicken porridge maker has got something wrong with his teeth he is too scared to deal with??

Whatever you do, NEVER give a spoonyfucker one of these as a gift

DP list of kitchen madness is as follows:

Leavestheovendooropen for days whilst cooking anything. Why open and shut the oven door quickly, when you can just open it? He will also try and cook everything at the bottom of the oven. I've tried explaining about this many times.

Tries to cookEVERYTHINGon130Degrees, or about 4 on the element. NEVER gets crisp roasties. He doesn't get the concept of needing to cook at certain temps.

AddsBistotoEverything (covered above).

Will use KitchenRollasaChoppingBoard - so bits of fecking kitchen roll everywhere - the never make it to the bin.

He does like Masterchef and has made some improvements since watching that - If it's good enough for Michel .........

Non cooking sins include JustPoppingInHere - disappears into Hackett or somewhere he can't afford to shop to do what I call DribblingOnClothes/ShoesWhileFamilyWaits

I love this thread
My DH is a walkstraightpastitwhenitsonthestairsfucker

Even when all the crap I've piled up there is obviously all his! Grrrr...

OOOOOHHH yes! Yes! DH is a takeforevertomakeanyshoppingdecisionfucker too! Hours wasted in Sainsbo's, waterstones, paperchase, Costa, you name it.

Absy re "shove everything in at the same time and cook at the highest heat"
DP is very nearly almost but not quite ready to move on from CookOneDishAtATimeYesEvenARoast

fuck I forgot to add fucker to the end of DP's names - I'm a ForgotToAddFuckerFucker

@ forgottoaddafuckerfucker, HipHop!

anyone got stir-enamel-pan-with-metal-spoon?
my ears are bleeding
my teeth are gritted to oblivion

DDs boyfriend is an investigateallpossibleoptionswhenbuyingsomething type (can't call him a fucker because he's not my responsibility ) - it's taken him 5 years to find a suitable laptop to replace his old knackered desktop computer. Yes, that's 5 years of "researching" and "deciding on the correct spec". I've told DD, think carefully if you can cope without stabbing him as it will only Get Worse .

I can't believe I have found this thread. I am new to Mumsnet and have been howling with laughter!

If you think all this kitchen fuckery is bad, check out the picture in my gallery I have just uploaded for you. Not sure what to call it, CutleryFuckery?!

Apparently he (my DP) was in a rush to empty the dishwasher and fully intended to sort it out before he left the house for me to discover on returning home from work......

Anyone else got a DIYobsessivefucker? I am really grateful that DH saves us a fortune by dealing with all this house maintenance himself. Really. And I tell him so.

BUT. I do not want to have long conversations about the details. Or be called away from cooking and into another room to look at the fucking Screwfix website to see which screw he is going to buy to mend the whateveritscalled. Please, just mend it, don't talk me though it. I do not want to know about how he bought a whatchimacallit at B&Q but it wasn't the right one, so he drove to Homebase, which was out of stock, so he finally got one in Wickes. Which isn't the right size, so he's going back.

I came home from work last night tired and demoralised after firefighting a family crisis and plunged straight into bath time with the kids, who squabbled. DH chose this time to say: 'Can we talk about the soil pipe?' And he did.

Clutchy does he not know what those sections are for?
The only thing he'd be coming back to in that drawer is finger decapition.

You clearly have a flingitinfucker.