Sigh. I have to stick a wooden spoon up dh's arse, don't I?

[HoneyDragon]

For 11 years of marriage I have put up with his pathological need to stir what ever is bubbling in a pan. I can live with it.

But he waited till I was out with the dog, and BUTCHERED my chicken into a shredded stringy globby mess!

He had clearly chopped it with the spoon then bashed and shredded it and stirred it into fuckery oblivion. Rendering a dish where you should have had a choice of leg or breast into Chicken and Paprika porridge. Because "It's better that way". The lid did not need lifting, the pan did not need stirring. The dc's were presented with a favourite meal and instead both gave me WTAF is this faces.

AIBU to think he you shouldn't fuck with another persons poultry like an obsessive spoonyfucker?

Hi my name is Southern and my dp is an actualcheffucker. Therefore he is always right, always stirs, always uses 5 pans when 2 will do and never ever reads the instructions on anything because he just knows when its ready.

Argghhhhhhh.

And he used to be a hoveryfucker until I banned him from the kitchen while I'm cooking. Hoverycheffucker.

Close Doctrine.

Put Bisto in Jug, add hot water, chop onion into approximately 6 pieces, add to jug. Ta da onion gravy [boak boak boakety boak]

Actual lols as HoveryFucker!

So glad I've found this thread.

My DH is a spoonyfucker, seasoningfucker and an addlotsofchilliandseeifshenoticesfucker too.

He also introduced me to avocado with a splash of worcester sauce in the middle and it's really very nice

Well as my DW is no Nigella i tend to do all the cooking but she is a youhavenotusedthatforatleast10secondsfucker so away it goes, but the one that makes me go grrrrrr is her dinnersreadysoiwillgototheloofortenminutesfuckeryness.

Yes but avocado with balsamic is much nicer.

DH is a dontputleftoversinthefridgefucker. I mean Ever. It's like he doesn't believe in food poisoning. Left to fester on plates and in pots and plastic containers until I deal with it. How hard is it to cover something in cling film and bung it in the fridge FFS?

This has reminded me of the time my BIL attempted to cook pasta for a change and added five spice to the sauce, my DSis and DN said it was the worst taste ever

My DP's gobblefuckery means I can't batch-cook - however large an amount of something I make, he regards it as a personal challenge to finish it all before bedtime.
He's also an obsessive recyclefucker - he "recycled" the spare power cable for my laptop by reducing it into its component parts with a screwdriver and a razor blade. Note that it was my spare power cable, the one that meant I could take my laptop from the sitting room to the bedroom without having to crawl behind the sofa to unplug the power cable from the wall every time, not my superfluous and unnecessary power cable.

DP is no cook, honestly can't cook at all, but DS reckons he makes the best scrambled eggs ever, much better than mine

This is the only reason I put up with the occasional knobturnerdownfuckery he comes up with. He hates seeing the burners on high, cos of all that fat sizzling across the cooker.

Randall I have a GravyFucker as well..... dinner is almost ready and he decides to do the gravy....cue half an hour of frying onions and sometime mushrooms, farting around with different cubes, adding Oxford sauce. All the time everything is on hold.

I let him fiddle with a stock cube now while I do proper gravy with the meat juices (he used to throw them away)

My dh is a serial food abuser too..always nudging at my cakes and twating around with chili when ever I leave the room...I shall beat him with my ov-glove next time he harasses my soup..

My Mum used to be a LiftTheLidFucker - if I ever cooked anything at her house, she would never trust me to do it and would hover around lifting the lids on all the pans and commenting!

MrBits is a LeaveThingsOpenFucker - he will get stuff out of the wardrobe and leave the wardrobe door open, get stuff out of the cupboard and leave the cupboard door open etc........

Oh and MrBits is also a GoToTheLooJustWhenDinnerIsReadyFucker. Despite the fact you have given him an ETA for the dinner half an hour ago, he still needs to go to the loo the minute you announce it's ready.....

Mrh is a teatowelfucker. He thinks they are magic. They are used to wipe shit off the side, wipe shit off the floor, wipe down the surfaces and then rehung on the hook so they hang there innocently waiting for someone to use them as god intended to dry the fucking dishes man. It's no use pulling the I-might-have-wiped-up-DS2's-sick-with-that face if I've just clearly finished drying the clean washing up with it.

Fuck it, if they are that good, I'm patenting it and retiring.

This thread is so catharctic. Why the hell is it not in classics or maybe it should be published as a manual for all whatevertheheckfuckery DHs and DPs to follow?

Not sure if messing with freezers has been included yet but I was sorely tempted to do some damage with ice cubes this evening.

Defrosted freezer today, cleaned everything and switched freezer back on just before tea time. Instructions said to put super freeze light on and it will turn itself off once freezer reaches optimum temperature. Went out and came back to be told by my husband that he had turned the super freeze off as the light had been on for a long time. He then commented that it didn't seem very cold in the freezer yet. No, that would be because it was supposed to stay on super freeze until the temperature had adjusted.
Why did he have to fiddle? I wasn't going to be out long and I'd even left the manual out so he could have checked first if he was really worried.

He messes about with my cooking too but after 25 years has learnt not to do it when I might catch him.

My mother is a cupboardy door fucker. If she sees a kitchen cupboard door open, she MUST shut it. Even though you are in the middle of putting clean dishes away and have to open the damn thing as soon as she has shut it.

DS is showing a worrying tendency towards cupboardy door fuckery, leady me to think it is a genetic disorder.

Oh no, I've just read the whole thread and discovered I'm a tidyitawayinstantlyfucker . At least I've overcome my spoonyfuckeryness habit following an incident with me turning DH's masterpiece into chicken curry porridge. Just like your dish HoneyDragon, the meat was shredded to death. Never again have I dared to stir much as my fingers are itching to get hold of a wooden spoon.

DH is a prunyfucker extraordinaire and has a variety of implements including an industrial strength chainsaw Chaz. We have some tree stumps in our garden. Full stop. Oh, there's grass too but it's mowed so short you can barely see it.

I have a Hoveryfucker. He likes to find The Way and lurk in it. I have fixed this by steering him but his shoulders to an out of the way place and saying "STAY. THERE."
He's also a tooscaredtotouchanythinginthekitchenwithoutdemonstrationfucker. "Mr Wank, c'mere."
"I need you to stir this."
"Use THIS spoon. Stir LIKE THIS "
"right, I'll be right back."

Actually, in support of Mr Wank, he has learnt to make hard boiled eggs for TinyWank's breakfast on Saturday (my sleep in day). He feels very brave doing this.

I am married to a ChilliAddingFucker. Every. Fucking. Meal. if he could he'd add it to mashed potato

I've started preparing food before he gets home from work so that my fairly hot Chilli Con Carne doesn't turn into blow your arse head off chilli.

Oh bloody hell my DH does all of those.
Spoonyfucker, userofeverypot fucker, all of them.

He destroyed c

Argh pressed post by accident.

He cooked sausages for breakfast. At almost the highest heat. For exactly the amount of time it said on the packet.
To go along with that we had scrambled egg and baked beans.

So, basically we had burnt yet still raw sausages, dry as fuck scrambled egg and brand that had been stirred into what could only be described as orange mush soup.

He also has to follow the recipie to the letter.

Last night- DH "I need thyme for dinner. There's no thyme. You need to go and get thyme immediatley, or dinner will be ruined"
Me-there's thyme in the fridge
DH, no, no ive looked. There isn't. Please, can you run to tesco, it's urgent
(honestly, he said urgent)
Me there's no way in running anywhere.
Gets up. Takes packet of thyme out of fridge

DH "oh my god that's lemon thyme. How can I use that. The recipie says thyme

You would have thought I'd suggested he put cat hair in the dinner.
He wailed about it for 5 minutes.
In the end I chucked the flipping thyme on the pot and walked away.

And don't even mention the whole coarse vs ground black pepper debacle.

Spoonyfucker with an extra added flourish to make me rage. DH lifts all the lids, ESPECIALLY on the steamer, and rice. He spoony fucks them and then BANGS SPOON AGAINST THE RIM of pot to get sauce or whatever off. With the result that it splatters all over the kitchen. Arrrrrrghhh!!!!