to be stressed and shocked at being possibly pregnant?

[bellabreeze]

I feel like I might be pregnant. I have 8 DCs (yes, eight!!!) I do keep a positive attitude and cope very well but I am kind of thinking 'oh my god 9 kids!!?' I feel overwhelmed!!! Its not that I would hate to have another child but I feel so shocked and strange about having 9 kids! Its only 1 more but it is so close to 10...

This post doesn't really make much sense I am just overwhelmed

And the thing that everyone always overlooks when benefit bashing is the 'would you want that life' question. Would you want to be OP? 8 children, pregnant admist a marriage collapse. I would not swop places. Neither would the overwhelming majority of us. This tells me that OP is in a vulnerable position that few people would want to emulate. The 'what if we all did it' argument falls flat........ Of course it is right that the state helps OP. I hope she manages to make whatever is the best decision for herself and her children.

Its my business because someone has to pay for these children-its not magiv money out of the sky.

I am not telling the op not to keep her child-far from it actually-I am merely pointing out that the op should consider how the new benefit changes may effect her family-I am not the only poster to have pointed it out btw

Bitter?-possibly true. As I said I have been pregnant many times but dont have the large family I would like....

And it might also be worth considering that OP's traveller background might mean that she has not had many opportunities to forge a life outside of child rearing, family nurturing etc. I don't mean any disrespect when I say that OP's decision to have many children might have been heavily influenced by the expectations of others. It really is not fair to judge OP so harshly.

Me too but I don't begrudge other people who have been more fortunate with their fertility than me, regardless of where their money comes from.

Some couples work for the nmw and without tc they couldn't afford to have children. They pay taxes why shouldn't they have children.

I was addressing someone else's point about benefits and travellers mrsdevere...

The only people I know who have large families and by large I am talking 6plus are all on benefits-coincedence?...

Bella - congratulations on your pregnancy. I hope your children bring you much joy.

I don't care how you pay for them. I have paid into the system all my life (including whilst fighting a war in Iraq). There are too many people out there having children and mistreating them. Abusing them, not providing them with basic needs. It sounds to me you have a lot of love to give. How dare anybody try to tell you you don't deserve to have another child if you use money offered by the government. Feel free to use the money I have paid if you need it. God knows you need it more than the thieves sitting in parliament. Rather it go on children and people who deserve it rather than paying for a gold played toilet seat.

I hope your pregnancy is an easy one, and am sure you will have the support of others around you should you need it. X

But Pink, would you swop with the 6 plus children benefit reliant mothers/fathers? I would find a life of bearing children I could not afford to or adequately house stressful, worrying, upsetting, disordered and chaotic. Most of us would. The families who end up in this situation need state help and assistance. For whatever reason they and their children are vulnerable. I can't bring myself to envy or resent the vulnerable.

Pink, I'm sorry you are so unhappy. I wish things had worked out differently for you.

Thank you rhonda-actually most days I consider myself very lucky indeed to have the children I have.

Property-the have that many children so that they get more benefits so clearly they dont find it that stressful. Not having to worry about paying a mortgage or council tax doesnt sound that stressful to me...

Well, I personally know of 3 families in excess of 6 children who don't claim a single penny of state benefits.
But that's very much beside the point.

pink let's say you suddenly found yourself in a situation like the OP.
If for whatever reason you found yourself and your children in a position where you needed assistance?

I don't know if you WOH or not, but let's say you are a SAHM.
And your husband lost his job, or your relationship broke down.
Or yours was the only income for whatever reason and you could manage on that wage?
Would you not think, as a solution, to put food on the table, a roof over your head, to see what benefits you could claim?

Because, correct me if I'm wrong, but you know all the threads when people need to end their relationships for whatever reason, but consider staying because they don't know how they would cope without DH wage, isn't the first piece of advice check what benefits you are entitled to?
You know, rather than stay in a horrible situation?

I don't remember anyone ever saying to an OP who needed to leave her husband "oh well, you have more than 3 children and you are stupid enough to get pregnant, therefore stay with your abusive husband"

Btw property I agree people in genuine need do need our help-it is the duty of a civiliased soceity to do so. It was not the intention of the welfare state to create a dependency that exonerates people of any sense of personal responsibility...

Tantrums you seem to be forgetting that the op didnt just fall and land on her dh's dick-forgive me the crudeness. She openly admits that she was lax with her contraception when in a shit relationship. Hardly smacks of someone being that responsible does it?

Again I am not saying that the op doesnt deserve any help-of course she does because the dcs would suffer otherwise-but I find all this oh well have as many dcs as you like and dont give a shit about who is going to pay for them frankly laughable...

Pink, I understand what you are saying but try viewing it as a 'chicken and egg' situation. Which came first? The wanting more money/children leading to vulnerability or vulnerability leading to wanting more children/money. I would say that before you are willing to procreate entirely reliant on state support and without regard to whether you can support new life you are arguably not thinking rationally, logically or clearly for whatever reason. Vulnerable people make choices that to you seen greedy or entitled but in reality those choices are more likely born out of vulnerability or ironically, inability to exercise choice (for example a chaotic lifestyle making the use of adequate contraception impossibly hard).

Btw, the above is not directed at OP.

Here's the thing.

You have no earthly clue of the OPs actual financial situation.
You don't know what job her DH has, how much money he earns, their outgoings, their savings.

You have the op down as a person who is having child after child in order to extract more money from the state.

Do you not see how ludicrous and downright nasty it is to judge someone in that way?
You have made your own nasty assumptions based on the fact that you do not think that the ops DH can possibly go to work every day and support his children.

You are, thank god, not judge, jury and executioner and I hope to god if you ever find yourself in hard times, you discover that not everyone is like you. There are empathetic, nice people who choose not to label people without havi g the facts.
I hope you discover this one day, I hope if you ever need help, you come across the nice people, rather than the judgmental, nasty, looking down their nose people.

I find all this oh well have as many dcs as you like and dont give a shit about who is going to pay for them frankly laughable

No one has said/implied that Pink, people have just acknowledged that it's a fact that these things happen. What exactly do you think should happen here?

Bella didn't post a thread asking if we though her situation was right or wrong, she posted because she was overwhelmed.

I understand you have had a hard time but projecting it onto the OP is not on.

Pink-
The OP has said that her DH works and that she too earns money.

You have no way of knowing what her DH's wage is and are therefore in no position to judge.

It's a shame that you cannot afford to have more children even though you'd like more. It has nothing to do with the OP, and being bitter because she has a large family and you don't.

Won't help

Congratulations OP. I've read the entire thread,you sound much calmer for knowing that you are pregnant as I imagine you would have done if you had not been. So it seems like it was the not knowing that was overwhelming for you.

You sound like you can cope. Can just say,good for you making difficult choices regarding your husband and community,reading that post in particular,you came across like a woman in control. Wish you the best of luck with your pregnancy and the new baby!

P.s how you remained polite in the face of occasionally quite shocking rudeness if beyond me. You are a better woman than I am!

Wow, 9!! Congratulations, I don't know if I'm jealous or just in awe

Sorry to hear about your marriage breakdown though and I hope things work out for you okay.

I don't think the assumption that large families=benefits is true at all actually. I have 5 children and am sort of trying for a 6th and not once has anyone said anything derogatory to me. Why? Because we live in West London and are on a high income. Does that make me better than a family relying on benefits? Unlikely! You could say I should be using the money we are lucky enough to have to help existing children in poverty rather than 'popping out' more of my own!

You are being vicious towards someone who has what you want Pink and nothing excuses that.

Its a shame that you can't afford more children, and I am sorry for your losses, I too am in double figures with miscarriages.

But I take great exception to your comments that people with large families do it purely to get more benefits, that they dont pay mortgages or council tax, that they dont support themselves in anyway and simply expect the state to pony up each time and that the OP has done this purely to extract as much money from you personally as possible.

I have 6 children and I certainly didnt do it because it would make me money! It costs alot to have a large family, and on basic benefits it must be extremely difficult to make ends meet. We pay our mortgage and council tax the same as you do. H has a job that he works hard at and I am a SAHM who is also running a business in order to not have to pay childcare costs (that i could claim from TC!). Yes we are in receipt of some CTC but not much, and that makes us no different from millions of other families in the UK, we pay in far more than we take out in "handouts". The OP was already pg when her marriage fell apart, and as for her contraception mistake, let she who is without sin cast the first stone.....

Pink makes a very good point though, the OP was very lax with contraception despite knowing she would probably end up single with 8 children plus the new addition. Given she aays she works a little, its very obvious that the rest comes from benefits. Being lax with contraception knowing you expect others to fund the consequences is wrong in many peoples eyes.

Happy - its in no way 'obvious' that she receives benefits. You have no idea what her circumstances are.

Well apparently happy we can all have 9 dcs if we want because noone should stop you having the amount of dcs you want-yes even if you cant afford them.....

Not to add to the assumptions but I went to catholic school and there were many large families. They worked very very hard (usually both parents in opposing shifts) but also frequently the fathers were in the building trade where you can be self employed easily as well as charging more for the more dangerous/ anti social work and working a great deal of overtime. It's not unusual for people to leave for work at 4am and be home at 10pm or sleep on building sites etc. travellers are often self employed which makes it easier to up your earning power just by working more.

It's really funny how narrow minded people can be. It's a bit weird to HO around assuming everyone is poor, I think.

OP you sound very positive and I wish you all the very best