to be stressed and shocked at being possibly pregnant?

[bellabreeze]

I feel like I might be pregnant. I have 8 DCs (yes, eight!!!) I do keep a positive attitude and cope very well but I am kind of thinking 'oh my god 9 kids!!?' I feel overwhelmed!!! Its not that I would hate to have another child but I feel so shocked and strange about having 9 kids! Its only 1 more but it is so close to 10...

This post doesn't really make much sense I am just overwhelmed

[Bogeyface]

There was a thread on MN recently about a woman who found herself PG just after her husband left her for his pg OW. She will have no choice but to claim benefits, atleast for a short while after the baby is born as she works PT and will not get full SMP.

Has she been lumped in with the "have a baby and who gives a toss who pays for it?" No. Because its her first and somehow that's deemed acceptable but a woman who finds herself pregnant after leaving her husband due to his unacceptable behaviour is not ok because its her ninth!

A woman with 8 children (particularly from travelling culture) would not take the decision to leave her marriage lightly, she has been supported by her working STBX up until now. She finds herself in the same situation as the other MNer and is castigated. Maybe she has been trying to keep things together for years and then one day last month he got drunk once too often, or kept her short of money once too often, or was verbally abusive once too often or raised his hand to her or the kids. We dont know, but after years of "it'll be ok, stay together for the kids" plus her cultural expectations that women put up and shut up, she let him have sex because it was easier than saying no and then the next day came the straw that broke the camels back. As I said, we dont know, but something happened that made her, dependent on him with 8 kids to feed, clothe and house, say "Enough". Is anyone really suggesting it was because he didnt put the bins out or some other spurious reason?

Has it not occurred to the benefit bashers that married life with her STBX must have been fucking horrific for life as a single mother from traveller culture, with 9 kids on benefits to be preferable?

We have seen what has happened to her on here, she must be escaping something terrible for her to accept all of that and for it to STILL BE BETTER THAN WHAT SHE HAD.

[AllYoursBabooshka]

Oh! Well that's different. :o

Sorry for being snappy, I just got a little fed up for Bella as posters seemed to be using this thread to have a good old rant rather than offering her some advice or at least an objective opinion.

Hope your DD feels better soon.

[Bogeyface]

I will stand up and apologise for having a go at whoever it was that asked if the OP was a traveller. I was assuming it was just another insult on what was, at that point, a page full of insults.

I am sorry for that.

[MummytoKatie]

Proud - I'm wondering if I could define myself as a blind sighted person??

I think of myself as sighted and live in a sighted world as a sighted person but at my last eye test the optician commented that if there was no such thing as glasses or contact lenses I would now be legally blind.

The world is full of contradictions.

[Bogeyface]

Mummy my father is profoundly deaf, but he can hear because of his aids and (hopefully, oh dear god that I dont believe in, hopefully) when he has his cochlear impant next month. But he will still be classed as profoundly deaf.

I would look into it, not least because you can get alot of support from the RNIB and if you glasses etc cost alot then you can get assistance with that. Blindness is a disability and you shouldnt just assume that because your glasses work that you arent entitled to help and support. And not just financial before anyone jumps on me. The best thing my dad found out he was entitled to was a mentor via the DeafBlind Assc. who had been through what he is going through, it meant the world to him that someone was there for him who understood (he is partially blind too :( )

[MummytoKatie]

babooshka

Cool.

I was a bit confused (not least as my name is not Katie - should have thought that one out better.)

As someone who has one child, is pregnant with the second, a very supportive husband and is really struggling (note to self - do not smugly tell people how easy you found the first pregnancy - fate hears those types of things and laughs) I am kind of amazed by Bella tbh.

[AllYoursBabooshka]

That was my mistake typing Katie, It just popped out at me. It should have been Mummyto.

:o

[angeltulips]

I couldn't give a rat's patootie if the OP has 9 kids, or is a traveller, or whatever.

What DOES make me think she's a bit of a moron is the fact that she has put herself in this situation by forgetting to take her pill twice in a row and then having unprotected sex because she "wasn't really thinking about it" and then acting surprised when she fell pregnant.

Doesn't really bode well for her children when she can't take basic responsibility for herself.

[Bogeyface]

Angel are you familiar with traveller culture and expectations of women?

She forgot her pills, he expected sex, he didnt know she was on the pill (iirc)and probably wouldnt care if she had missed a couple, so what was she going to do?

Of course, this is all conjecture, but I am trying to show that you dont know that she jumped onto him yelling "RIDE 'EM COWBOY!!!". Of course I dont know that she didnt, but the point is there.

[Bogeyface]

Oh and dont forget that she is 99% likely to be catholic and not educated, both by virtue of her religion and her culture, in contraception and may not have fully realised that missing a couple really does mean you might get pg, atleast until it happened.

[MummytoKatie]

Bogey it's interesting but although I can logically see how similar I am to your dad in a way it somehow seems completely different.

Maybe because glasses / contact lenses work so unbelievably well. Or maybe because so many people wear them.

I do have a fear that eventually my eyesight will deteriorate beyond that which is correctable but thankfully the research / technology seems to be moving faster than I am ATM. And I think we all have some future health-based fear that we rarely talk about. (Heart disease in the family etc.)

I really hope your dad's op goes well. It is amazing what we can do nowadays. I rarely think about it but I am very very lucky.

[bellabreeze]

Some really lovely comments here- id love to adress you one by one but there are quite a few so thank you all (I've read them all)

And yep, I did miss 2 pills, didn't realise id be having sex (I'm not saying it isn't up to ME when I have sex but that's just how it was at the time and it is done now)

You're right about my husband being self employed (and before anyone says it- he actually does pay tax) he doesn't earn loads but he earns more than a lot of people and it was enough to feed the kids, keep the roof over our heads, pay the bills.
I even managed to get some savings together over a few months (not much but its the difference between me feeling a bit more secure or me being in a huge panic over money)

I won't be getting back together with my ex and I'm happy that now I can leave the dishes over night if I'm too busy with other things and DSs are allowed to put a tiara/fairy wings on without being told to take that off now!!! Mine and DCs best times were when ex was working or work then straight to pub and it was definitely the best choice to split with him.

So, I rang him earlier and asked if he planned to pay anything towards his children which he didn't seem to understand, he couldn't get his head round the fact that we are not together BUT our children still need money!

In my opinion it was pretty brave of me to ring him, he could have came round the house and kicked off, I know of women who are travellers or were married to a traveller that left their husbands but it would always have to be in the night or while he isn't in, pack a bag, get the kids and go. I just packed his things up put them at the side of the house and when he got back from work I explained it to him and went back inside the house, told him I was ready to ring the police if I needed to and he left in the end

Some of the 'traveller traditions/culture' is ridiculous but I do see things changing, they can't all ignore what the rest of the country is doing for much longer. I'm not even against meeting someone new in the future, not thinking about that much yet though

Well I can't predict what will happen with money but if the government do let children go without enough benefits then that would be terrible, not the kind of country I thought we lived in. There's not much I can do about any of that apart from carry on being as frugal as I can and trying to save any money that I can

[TantrumsAndBalloons]

bella I wish you all the best. You sound like a strong person, and I am pleased that you are doing the right thing WRT your H.

Ignore all the benefit bashers, and find out what assistance you are entitled to. The benefit system is there to help people in your situation, and it's a sad thing that some people would rather see you in an unhappy situation with your DCs rather than starting a new life that's better for you and the children.

I'm sure that this baby will be loved very much and is very lucky to grow up in a large happy family.

Take care x

[MummytoKatie]

If he pays tax then there is a record of how much he earns. So the CSA can work out how much he should be giving your children. It may be worth talking to some people on the single parents forum about how it works with self employed men as I don't know.

Benefits will make sure you don't starve (at least at the moment) but the money from him will give you all a few extras.

[Moominsarescary]

Yes if they bother! Exh is self employed some of the time. Usually when the csa manage to get hold of him he goes self employed. Even though in the last 18 years he's probably been se for about 3 years in total the csa still won't look into his tax history.

He's paid about 2 years csa all in all.

[SlipperyNipple]

I hate to do this - but I haven't read the whole thread, just a representative sample** - The birth rate in this country is not actually that high and so a few people having large families is probably not a problem. May actually help pay for our pensions. OP has 8 or 9 children and I know at least that number not having children at all.

I don't see a problem with people claiming benefits they are entitled to. It benefits everybody to live in a society where you don't have to end up on the street starving. I wish the world did the same.

** Not scientifically reliable

[Brycie]

I do actually know a dying pensioner who was paying taxes and benefits to people with large families and no means of supporting them up to his last breath. So I always take that kind of comment with a pinch of salt.

[Bogeyface]

To those who are slagging off people with big families who claim benefits, I have just put in our claim for JSA for him, me and 5 of our 6 children.

Yes, I know that I said my DH worked and until this morning he did. He got to work to find his unit which he manages closed and himself out of a job with no notice, 6 weeks before Xmas.

So what would you have us do? Starve? Or perhaps I should pop another baby out, you know....for the money.

There but for the grace God go all of us. Dont be so sure that you wont be next because believe me, you wont find things quite so cut and dried then.

[Sunnywithachanceofshowers]

Bella your DC are lucky to have you as a mum, you sound lovely. Good luck with your new little one, although I'm sure you won't need it. :)

[Brycie]

Sorry to hear of your terrible luck Bogey. That's really bad, I'm so sorry.

[AllYoursBabooshka]

Bogey that's awful, I'm really sorry to hear that.



Some people really need to understand how easy it is for things to change, just like that.

I hope you and your family have a little luck come your way soon. You seem like a lovely person.

[TantrumsAndBalloons]

Ah bogey I'm so sorry. It's awful.

Same thing happened to my DH 3 years ago, he turned up for work and the place had shut down.

You'll get through this, it's awful timing and a fuckibg horrible thing to happen.
I wish you well.

[5madthings]

bogey sorry to hear that, what utter shite esp at this time of year :( hope the applications are processed quickly nad everything works out ok for you all.

off the top of my head make sure tax credits knows so you get the amount of child tax credit you should, plus council tax benefit etc. also i dont know if you have a mortgage but there is a sheme you can apply where if you have a low income for so long ie on job seekers or income support, you can apply and they will help pay interest on a mortgage at the bank of england rate. obviously if you are renting there is housing benefit. hope he finds a job asap xx

[5madthings]

oh and dont forget free school meals you may be eligible for and free prescriptions etc.