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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt that DP would rather spend Christmas with his family than me?

135 replies

Lucyrobinson99 · 13/11/2012 19:43

DP and I recently moved house. Moved in round the corner from his parents, mainly because nice area and good location for work but I know DP also likes being close to his family. I get on fine with his family and also DP said it would be good for help with child care when we have kids so I was happy to go along with it.

I suggested this Xmas it would be nice to invite my parents to stay (they live a few hundred miles away and we hardly ever see them). DP said that was a great idea. However, he also said he would be spending Christmas day round the corner with his parents and grown up siblings (all of whom he sees all the time). He did not extend the invitation to me.

So as things currently stand we have me having Christmas day at mine and Dp's house with my folks and DP round the corner at his parents. This is the first time we I have hosted Christmas Day and first Christmas in our new home so gutted DP has chosen his family (who he sees on a weekly basis) over me.

AIBU to be a bit gutted?

Should also mention that my parents have not met DP's parents yet (wasn't planning to introduce them until we get engaged)

Also if it's relevant last Christmas I spent on my own at my parents house and DP spent with his parents. This was before we moved close to his parents though.

OP posts:
RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 14/11/2012 02:58

whois I am also one of those people. DH and I had been together 7 years and married for three before we spent Christmas Day together, because, for various logistical reasons I wont bore you with, us being together would have meant one set of parents being on their own. The trigger in the change was DS (and then DD) coming along, so now we stay home and invite everyone to ours.

ledkr · 14/11/2012 08:56

We just have Xmas together then see family the days afterwards. My dc never wanted to leave the house and their presents to go out tbh and me and dh like to flop about eating too much and have a few drinks.
We are going out to lunch this year for the first time and they are all a bit Hmm about it.
Three of them are grown men too. When they have been in relationships in the past though they have spent it with partners either here or their gf parents. I am unbothered by this and don't insist they spend it with me.

diddl · 14/11/2012 09:13

If both people are happy to be apart on CDay-fine.

TBH, I´m wondering why you don´t want CDay in the new house just the two of you.

Not sure I´d be wanting to live near the ILs just so they are handy for childcare in the future though.

Unless it really is convenient for both of you for work.

5alive4life · 14/11/2012 09:22

YANBU.
My partner and I live together in the UK,he is british and I am not. This year we are spending Christmas in the UK with his family. I suggested that once the holidays are over we should start lookint for flights for Christmas next year,so we can spend it in my home country with my family. He said hes happy for me to go but he wants to stay in the UK for Christmas so I do sympathise with you,i will probably be making this same post next year!

2rebecca · 14/11/2012 09:33

If you're just partners then travelling every xmas to far flung relatives is fair enough, I think once you are married and particularly once you have children it's time to have xmas at home together and make your own traditions.
How many people here as children had xmases where their parents travelled around or more bizarrely where their parents split up and went to their own parents for xmas day?
If you both enjoy splitting up or spending hours travelling fine, if one of you doesn't then it's time to have a chat.
To me starting your own xmas traditions is part of growing up.
I think in the OP's case if when i had suggested inviting my parents he had suggested going to his I would have said "no, spending xmas together is very important to me, if you'll retreat to your parents for the day if I invite mine round then I won't invite them, what are WE going to do for xmas?"

Morloth · 14/11/2012 10:01

Surely the obvious thing to do is to ask you inlaws if your parents can join them for Christmas?

That is what we would do in your situation - OR we would host everyone here.

The more the merrier IMO.

AmberLeaf · 14/11/2012 10:12

I think it is a little odd to be so formal about parents meeting only once you are engaged, yet you live together?

As that is at your insistence it does seem a little manipulative.

MulledWineOnTheBusLady · 14/11/2012 10:17

Hmmm. I don't think this is totally black and white. I see a lot of people here assuming that 30 is some kind of magic boundary by which point you will definitely automatically be spending Christmas together. I don't think this is necessarily the case these days, if living space etc is not convenient.

My DP travels 200 miles to his family every year, mainly to see his grandparents who are not getting any younger etc, and the only reason I'm "not invited" (I am really!) is that there isn't room for everyone, so I go to my parents, 70 miles away. It's not like we could have a big jolly Christmas in a 1-bed flat an hour and a half from the nearest relations anyway. I do get a bit sadder about it than DP because I don't think he sees Christmas as being a big deal, and I do a bit. Maybe yours is similar.

Having said all that, living space clearly IS convenient in your case. I think having room to put up one set of relatives, and living round the corner from the others would be our dream scenario. But then we would be happy for them to meet! Sorry if I've missed this, but would you want to keep your parents out of the orbit of his parents, if they did come to stay with you? How on earth would you manage that?

MulledWineOnTheBusLady · 14/11/2012 10:22

Ah, should have read to the end of the thread. I see I'm not the only one. I think slightly difficult Christmases are just part of the new normal, with far flung families and house prices etc. DP and I would love nothing more than to have a house big enough to invite EVERYBODY to our own Christmas. Ain't gonna happen.

MimiSunshine · 14/11/2012 10:35

The comments from some people on here make me wonder how they sustain any relationships. How is the partner a mummies boy for wanting to spend Christmas with his parents when the OP is seemingly just a good daughter for inviting hers to stay?

And as for cutting the partner out of the loop and arranging everything with his mum. He isn?t a child to be told the schedule and its women who do this that end up in later years moaning that all the planning and arranging is left to them, their husbands do nothing and they have to deal with every MIL issue. You reap what you sow.

Astelia · 14/11/2012 10:44

We didn't spend Christmas together until we were engaged which was when we were 23. We were engaged before we bought a house together.

I think you need to discuss this properly with DP and make sure he realises it will look very odd to your parents if he doesn't eat his Christmas dinner with you in the house you share.

He can go round to his parents before and after but should be at home for the meal.

I second that it is an ideal time for your parents to meet his parents. The two of you have bought a house- which is a massive commitment.

Pinkforever · 14/11/2012 10:45

YANBU op-and nip this in the bud NOW! I have had 15 years of this shit! dh always insisted on going to his parents for xmas. When we got married and bought our own house he still insisted on doing one year at his parents and one year at mine-I hated it as I was treated like a skivvy at his mums while he and bil sat and got pissed while if we were at my family's dh would sit with a face like a slapped arse and couldnt wait to leave.

Last year I put my foot down and told him we were staying at home. He wasnt happy and neither was mil but I didnt care!! This year there hasnt even been a peep out of him-we are staying at home for a lovely xmas with just us and the dcs!

HullyEastergully · 14/11/2012 10:50

Goodness how strange

hattymattie · 14/11/2012 10:54

I'm with Pink - we stay at home and see family at other times - christmas is just too fraught and I can't be doing with MIL very generously giving us loads of money to spend on the children and then moaning that they are really spoilt when I spend it on them!

Justforlaughs · 14/11/2012 11:05

OP, is there any chance that you have misunderstood his intentions, in that YOU don't want your parents to meet his and he would like to see HIS parents on Christmas Day and is trying to show you that it doesn't make any sense. In your shoes I would invite your parents down, have dinner with them (with or without him) and then invite his parents over for the afternoon/ evening to meet yours. If it is, as you say, that he doesn't want to spend any time with you on Christmas Day then I would rethink the relationship. To me marriage and engagements are a huge commitment but certainly no more than buying a house together. Another possiblity is that, as you didn't spend Christmas together last year, he believes that you would prefer to have Christmas alone with your parents and he is trying to oblige YOU by not "getting in the way", if you haven't told him he may not be aware that you WANT him to be there and to share Christmas with you.

mayorquimby · 14/11/2012 11:07

" The issue is that he isn;t comprimising."

And the op is?
Surely she's choosing to spend Christmas with her family over her partner just as much if not more as it appears to be her who has decreed that in laws shall not mix

Anniegetyourgun · 14/11/2012 11:22

How about the theory that he actually can't stand his future in-laws and is going round to his parents' specifically to avoid them?

Definitely agree there is a lot of non-communication going on here.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo · 14/11/2012 12:08

Are you ashamed of your family?

Are you ashamed of his? Worried that you parents are going to ask you to reconsider on account of his family?

girlywhirly · 14/11/2012 14:07

On the basis of the original post, I would say that he doesn't want your parents coming to stay at Christmas, because he wants to relax with his family and not want to be arsed to make any effort with yours.

Seriously, do not even think about engagements and DC until you have had proper reasonable discussion about how you will manage these sorts of issues in the future. What would he be like if your mum came to stay after you'd had a baby to help you, or example.

I would raise the subject of Christmas with his mum, on the basis of finding out what her plans are, you can mention that you would like to invite your parents down and see what she says. You could be surprised, she might be pleased to invite you all round, if not for lunch for the afternoon. If you find she is lukewarm about it or gives you to understand that DP always wants his Christmas lunch there, consider this a red flag for your relationship, especially if he confirms he meant what he said about spending Christmas day at his mums.

You can't assume anything, you have to talk and find out for sure what's in peoples minds.

shesariver · 14/11/2012 14:13

Calling him a Mummys boy is a bit harsh - when all this is based on lack of communication and assumptions! And to the person who said And really do you want your in laws who don't like you enough to invite you for christmas to look after your future babies? I disagree to - at no point has it been said the inlaws dislike OP - in fact they havent even not invited her, again its all assumptions!

In fact it seems the OP is causing a lot of this by not wanting both sets of parents to meet until they are properly engaged.

shesariver · 14/11/2012 14:23

And I find it really sad that some people have labelled him a Mummys boy just because he cares about his family. I would rather be married to a man like this than one who didnt at the end of the day. OP is not being labelled a Mummys girl.

mayorquimby · 14/11/2012 14:32

"You could be surprised, she might be pleased to invite you all round, if not for lunch for the afternoon. "
An invite the op would turn down because it is she who fussy want the parents to meet

Iodine · 14/11/2012 14:49

I really don't see the problem in not spending Christmas Day together. Me and DP aren't this year as he is working until midnight and I will be going to my parents.

I see DP 364 days of the year. We can manage to spend one day apart to see our families. If he wanted to spend christnas day with his parents, that's fine but I'm not going to spend the day with my horrible PIL instead of being at my mums house.

Lavenderhoney · 14/11/2012 15:51

I did have another opinion, but I have changed a bit now!

Op, you have put him on th spot a bit as you don't want him t meet your parents unless you are engaged. So he either gets a ring or makes himself scarce. He is going to his mums which seems reasonable to me if he isn't sure about marriage - I presume you have met them? What do they think of your not wanting them or dp to meet until you have a ring ?

It does sound a bit strange, you have a house with this man, what do your parents think, they must be keen to see him and his family, they might be wondering what you are hiding!

I would tell your Parents not to expect to see him or his family due to your wanting to be engaged. They might be hoping to meet your dp, and it's a long way to come to be disappointed!

passingthebuck · 14/11/2012 16:21

I don't think it's that weird that the OP doesn't want the sets of parents to meet until they are engaged - I did the same with my DH, and so did my siblings and a few of my friends.

DH is from another country so he always spent Christmas/NY back home with his family until we married, I would stay in the UK to spend it separately with my parents. After we got married we started to spend some Christmases with my parents and siblings, but some years he flies back home and that's fine with me.

I don't think it's too unusual to be spending Christmas with parents even when you're married/have your own home either though. All my siblings gather at my parents' home with/without their partners for Christmas Day. It's the biggest house so it makes sense for them to host (we all help cook/clean up) and really nice for all our kids to spend the day with their cousins etc.