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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt that DP would rather spend Christmas with his family than me?

135 replies

Lucyrobinson99 · 13/11/2012 19:43

DP and I recently moved house. Moved in round the corner from his parents, mainly because nice area and good location for work but I know DP also likes being close to his family. I get on fine with his family and also DP said it would be good for help with child care when we have kids so I was happy to go along with it.

I suggested this Xmas it would be nice to invite my parents to stay (they live a few hundred miles away and we hardly ever see them). DP said that was a great idea. However, he also said he would be spending Christmas day round the corner with his parents and grown up siblings (all of whom he sees all the time). He did not extend the invitation to me.

So as things currently stand we have me having Christmas day at mine and Dp's house with my folks and DP round the corner at his parents. This is the first time we I have hosted Christmas Day and first Christmas in our new home so gutted DP has chosen his family (who he sees on a weekly basis) over me.

AIBU to be a bit gutted?

Should also mention that my parents have not met DP's parents yet (wasn't planning to introduce them until we get engaged)

Also if it's relevant last Christmas I spent on my own at my parents house and DP spent with his parents. This was before we moved close to his parents though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lucyrobinson99 · 13/11/2012 20:15

I am not blackmailing him.
I have not told him I don't want our parents to meet until we are engaged. That's just my own personal thought.

OP posts:
NotQuintAtAllOhNo · 13/11/2012 20:15

But you have invited your parents down for Christmas, at the same time as you have made it clear you dont want them to meet his parents until after you are engaged?

So in essence, you are saying that for Christmas, he either does NOT see his parents OR goes without you. This is what your in effect are saying.

It is blackmail. It also, when thinking about it, seem rather manipulative and controlling.

Lexie1970 · 13/11/2012 20:16

I find it very bizarre that you have bought a house together yet you still do not feel 'committed' enough for both sets of parents to meet.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but you both sound odd - him for not including you in visiting his family on Xmas day and you for having this strange idea that without an engagement ring on your finger your parents can't meet his......

NotQuintAtAllOhNo · 13/11/2012 20:16

Ah, so you have not spoken to him about Christmas at all really, you just assume that he assumes?

Maybe you go talk to your partner than a bunch of strangers who does not know you?

itchychin · 13/11/2012 20:17

XH did this. We'd been away travelling together the previous Xmas (our first real xmas together as a couple) then were living together (so been together 2 years). Friend ask on a night out to both of us 'where are you spending xmas?' and XH said 'I'm going to my parents' no idea about you'. Shock

It wasn't a lack of commitment (we were together happily for 7 years after this) but just some weird selfishness and total lack of tact. He needed it pointing out how hurtful this was and this was not how couples generally behave. Just think he had no prior experience. Could your DP just be being a bit thoughtless and clueless?

This kind of scenario was never repeated by the way!

AlistairSim · 13/11/2012 20:18

How do you see Christmas happening when you have children?

How much have you talked about this? Because he sounds a bit immature, are you sure you aren't wasting your time?

DontmindifIdo · 13/11/2012 20:20

You've bought a house together, but don't view yourself a unit - he doesn't see that he should spend Christmas day with you, and you don't see you as a couple enough to introduce parents to each other. Why would you need commitment first to do that?

You two need to talk, not about Christmas.

lovebunny · 13/11/2012 20:21

how long have you been together? i know you mentioned last christmas, but how long in all?
how old is he?

he doesn't realise he is 'married'.
[that's because he isn't. if you'd had all that sorted before moving in ('when we get engaged'? what? you live with him. what's the point?), had an engagement while you prepared, had a wedding, set up home together after marriage, you wouldn't be in this position, you'd have been part of the deal, where he goes, you go.]

i don't think he necessarily lacks commitment or is trying to be mean. he thinks its great your parents will be there and he'll see them at times other than christmas day itself, surely? christmas eve? boxing day? and you won't be alone on the day. suits him fine. because he hasn't thought of christmas day as a time when you as a couple have to be together and also he doesn't want to miss the fun round at his mum's.

i rarely give a man the benefit of the doubt but this one doesn't seem bad, just inexperienced.

squeakytoy · 13/11/2012 20:23

so you havent really discussed it, you have not "not" been invited, and you are basing all of this on assumption..

YABU

GreenyEyes · 13/11/2012 20:23

I think it's weird that he would spend Xmas with his family but not invite you along.

But equally, I think it's weird that you would buy a house with him, but refuse to introduce your parents to his until you are engaged.

So besides calling you both weird, I'm not really sure where I'm going with this, sorry about that Grin

fuzzpig · 13/11/2012 20:23

commitment comes naturally if you love each other

Quite.

Pandemoniaa · 13/11/2012 20:26

I think that you are allowing the engagement thing to get in the way, here. If you've bought a house together then presumably, you see yourselves in a committed relationship. I can't really see the point of waiting for an engagement to introduce the parents but then it is your choice. However, if you allow it to be a factor in complicating Christmas then I'd reconsider.

Regardless of the parents meeting, I'm very surprised that your DP doesn't think it appropriate for you to be invited to spend some of Christmas Day with him. You own a house together, presumably you'd expect to spend other significant days together and yet at Christmas he disappears off home as if you don't exist? Doesn't sound reasonable to me, I'm afraid and I think you need to say that you find his attitude hurtful. If I were your parents, I'd probably find it a bit weird to come down and visit you only to discover that your DP planned to disappear to his own parents house.

OwedToAutumn · 13/11/2012 20:31

If you really want to spend Christmas together, you are going to have to tell him how important it is to you. Either you will come up with a suitable compromise together, or you won't. If not, I don't see much of a future for this relationship.

MollyMurphy · 13/11/2012 20:35

YANBU - you are offering to go round part of Christmas Day and all of Boxing Day.....so....what is his explination as to why this is unacceptable?

Its very odd to not want to be primarily with your partner on Christmas IMO. Its not like your a new couple (presumably) - you have a house together!

Even if your parents had met that doens't mean you'll all spend future Christmas's together...so how will he be resolving this impass in the future?

DinosaursOnASpaceship · 13/11/2012 20:35

When exp and I were still together (we were together for three Christmases) he always spent Christmas day with his family. I was invited but it was very clear without having to be said that he would be going whether or not I was joining him. I alternate Christmas with my exH (father of my oldest boys) and on the year they were with me exp still went to his mothers leaving me with my children and our joint child Hmm

This year however, we are separated and he still expects me to go to his family for Christmas Confused he seems to be under the impression that he will be taking ds3 to his parents Christmas Eve night and staying over - and that I will be staying over too! Now, I understand he wants to spend the day with his son, and he is more than welcome to spend the day here with ds3 or to take him in the afternoon - but nope, that's not good enough - according to him it's either we all go or just him and ds3 go.

GobblersSparklyExplodingKnob · 13/11/2012 20:40

I don't see why it's so important though I can see I have a bit of a lone opinion.

Dp and I lived together for years and years but didn't spend a single Christmas together until we had kids. We used to have our own little private Christmas on Christmas eve, then trundle off to our respective families for a few days. It was great Smile

TempusFuckit · 13/11/2012 20:51

The no parents meeting thing is weirder than the Christmas thing.

You do seem to be putting a lot of pressure on yourself as a couple to do things "correctly" - the formal parents meeting, the idealistic family Christmas - but then not communicating this to your DH. Is it some kind of test he's meant to pass maybe?

Fwiw, my DSis didn't spend Christmas with her now DH for three years when they bought a place together, but I get the impression she thought of it as a lucky escape because his family are a bit odd.

SJisontheway · 13/11/2012 20:52

I'm with gobblers. I lived with dh for 4 years before we married and each of those Christmases were spent with our respective families. I know my db did the same, as did several of my friends that I can think of. Really not seeing the big crime everyone else is.

AlwaysWantingMore · 13/11/2012 21:03

I don't think spending Christmas apart is that big a deal tbh, DH and I have spent most of ours with our respective families - even after engagement and marriage. People told us we were odd but it suited us fine.

I think it's more that there's a lack of compromise/consideration. Although I can't believe you have bought a house together and your parents have never met?!

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 13/11/2012 21:05

I don't think spending Christmas apart is a big deal either, but I do think that not feeling welcome to spend Christmas with you partner and his family if you want to is a big deal.

ThalianotFailure · 13/11/2012 21:07

I didn't spend Christmas with DP for ages, even after we'd bought a house together. Possibly that's cos his parents split up about a year before we got together, and my dad died 3 weeks after we'd got together. We just liked having Christmas with our respective familes - nothing odd about that. And we were in our 30s. But we did when we'd invited family to spend the day at ours, that's what I think is a bit odd here. Also, our parents didn't meet until our wedding day, which was after DD had been born and we'd been together for - oooh - about 8 years. Wasn't ever an issue, just never came up.

Idlegirl83 · 13/11/2012 21:09

The not-spending-Christmas-day together thing doesn't seem too odd to me as me and DH will be spending our first Christmas together this year, after 7 years of each going to our respective families for the day. It has only changed now we have our DD.
However, the bit about not wanting the parents to meet until you're engaged, even though its a great opportunity since they'll be near each other, is just crazy.
It's like your life is on hold until you get the ring on your finger - I knew someone like that once, waiting for the magical ring, but once she got engaged she realised that there was actually nothing else sticking around for and dumped him!

Idlegirl83 · 13/11/2012 21:11

Forgot to put...if you're 'planning to get engaged' and you've already bought a house together, what's the hold up?! Just get engaged already! Or is one of you dragging your heels a bit?

pigletmania · 13/11/2012 21:12

The whole thing sounds odd, not spending Christmas together, and not meeting each others parents until engaged

verytellytubby · 13/11/2012 21:14

You lost me at not allowing your parents to meet his until you're engaged. I find that so strange I can't get my head around it. Organise a drinks with them all and relax for fucks sake. Have fun.