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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt that DP would rather spend Christmas with his family than me?

135 replies

Lucyrobinson99 · 13/11/2012 19:43

DP and I recently moved house. Moved in round the corner from his parents, mainly because nice area and good location for work but I know DP also likes being close to his family. I get on fine with his family and also DP said it would be good for help with child care when we have kids so I was happy to go along with it.

I suggested this Xmas it would be nice to invite my parents to stay (they live a few hundred miles away and we hardly ever see them). DP said that was a great idea. However, he also said he would be spending Christmas day round the corner with his parents and grown up siblings (all of whom he sees all the time). He did not extend the invitation to me.

So as things currently stand we have me having Christmas day at mine and Dp's house with my folks and DP round the corner at his parents. This is the first time we I have hosted Christmas Day and first Christmas in our new home so gutted DP has chosen his family (who he sees on a weekly basis) over me.

AIBU to be a bit gutted?

Should also mention that my parents have not met DP's parents yet (wasn't planning to introduce them until we get engaged)

Also if it's relevant last Christmas I spent on my own at my parents house and DP spent with his parents. This was before we moved close to his parents though.

OP posts:
CuriosityCola · 13/11/2012 21:14

I don't think spending Christmas apart is a big deal. What is a problem is not having discussed these things before the commitment of buying a house together.

Dh and I spent Christmas apart until we were married. This was a decision that was decided on together.

It sounds like a good talk is needed on what each of your expectations are for the future e.g. Will it be different when you are engaged, married and have children?

HoolioHallio · 13/11/2012 21:16

There are a lot of assumptions on this thread and I think that your DP is getting a bit of a pasting - perhaps unfairly.
If you haven't actually DISCUSSED what is happening on Christmas Day but have chosen to b offended anyway, I think you are the one who is being childish.
Christmas means different things to different families - perhaps to him it's not a big deal and he assumes that he'll do what he's done for the last however many years. TALK to him Hmm

SundaeGirl · 13/11/2012 21:17

Sorry, OP, but this makes no sense. Why are you waiting to get engaged? And how can you not have spoken to his parents about Christmas? And how can he not have got excited about you both sharing Christmas together? And WHY don't you want your parents meeting?

Snazzyfeelingfestive · 13/11/2012 21:18

Is the engagement something you will have to wait for till he's 'ready'? If so, based on the Christmas planning evidence it'll be a long wait.

thebody · 13/11/2012 21:19

You should both want to spend Christmas together as a loving couple.

You should both want to meet and introduce each others parents to each other as you have made a commitment by living together.

I think neither if your hearts are in this relationship enough. Sorry if that's harsh but its my take.

stifnstav · 13/11/2012 21:26

Based on your most recent posts, I've changed my mind. YABU.

What Hoolio said. And what Verytellytubby said too.

DinosaursOnASpaceship · 13/11/2012 21:28

I don't think it's odd that your parents haven't met his parents.

My family haven't met exps family and we were together 3 years, lived together, had a child together and I'm expecting his baby in a couple of months.

CuriosityCola · 13/11/2012 21:31

Hoolio you have put what I was trying to say in a much more sensible way Grin

DaveMccave · 13/11/2012 21:40

Hang on. I disagree and think potentially, YABU. I think your notion of not letting your parents meet his 'until he has shown a commitment' by way of engagement(!) is very controlling and off. But because of this silly idea of yours, and you wanting your parents there for christmas day, that doesn't really give him much choice does it? It's you that doesn't want anyone to mix and I think that is very unreasonable. It's like you want everyone for yourself on your terms. You can't really demand a marital commitment of someone in that way. It's emotional blackmail.

mercibucket · 13/11/2012 21:43

Plenty of people spend xmas with respective parents, it's not that unusual, except on mumsnet. We only started doing 'xmas' as a couple once the kids came along. Before then, it was easier all round for him to go to his parents and me to mine for the day. We got the other 364 days together.
If your parents are coming down tho, that's going to look like a snub if he slopes off to his mum's for the day.
You just need to talk thro the implications. He's going to have to start doing it at some point aso this year is as good as any. Then off to his mums for drinks (all of you?)?

lovebunny · 13/11/2012 21:46

i think he's made a commitment if you're living together. but then, i'm old fashioned. i'd like it certificated so there can be no mistake.

MimiSunshine · 13/11/2012 21:48

Just talk to him. Tell you'd like to spend Christmas together so 'how do we make that happen?' Warning it will involve compromise on both sides.
I'm spending Christmas with my parents, that's never been in doubt but my BF is invited. No pressure to come and I've made it clear that Christmas will be about setting our own traditions when we're more serious but in the mean time status quo remain.
Just talk, he may not have given it a thought, he's going to his mums because that's what he's always done, doesn't mean he won't change.

dinkystinky · 13/11/2012 21:51

That is super odd - odd you wont let the parents meet before an engagement (especially if they are staying with you for christmas and he's met them) and odd that he wont let you go round to his parents for christmas.

squeakytoy · 13/11/2012 21:53

OP, do you go round to his parents at other times. Maybe you and his mum need to have a conversation about everyones plans....

exoticfruits · 13/11/2012 21:53

It wouldn't suit me but I actually know quite a few couples, without children, who go to their own families at Christmas-however both sides like it that way.

It is a bit odd that he doesn't want parents to meet-I should just totally ignore it and invite them all around together.

exoticfruits · 13/11/2012 21:54

I would make sure that you have a separate relationship with his mother and just leave him out of the loop-arrange it directly with her.

Moominsarescary · 13/11/2012 22:01

It's the op who doesn't want the parents to meet

exoticfruits · 13/11/2012 22:08

I misunderstood-if OP doesn't want them to meet that is probably the problem.

izzywizzyisbizzy · 13/11/2012 22:15

OP YABU.

Did you just assume he would want to spend Christmas with your parents??

I dont see why he should be at home with you and your parents, I know lots of couples who do this until they have children, I cannot see what the big deal is.

Did you invite your parents and provide him with a fait accompli.

2rebecca · 13/11/2012 22:36

I wouldn't have a mortgage with someone I wasn't married to. I also wouldn't buy a house round the corner from a mummy boy's parents.
I would be telling him that you feel very hurt that he prefers to spend xmas with his parents rather than you. When will the 2 of you start seeing each other as "family"?
You don't seem to be thinking of each other as family at all. If I cooked xmas dinner and my partner wasn't planning to share it with me the relationship would be ending. It's the wanting to be elsewhere and not viewing us as a couple that would upset me.
I'm not big on mummy's boys though and if a man enjoyed spending alot of time with his family I'd be looking for a house some distance away from them so you have made your own bed a bit with your choice of house location.

squeakytoy · 13/11/2012 23:13

I dont see how he is a mummys boy at all. Confused

Nothing the op has said indicates that. Just that he is close to his family, which is surely a good thing??

whois · 13/11/2012 23:18

Plenty of people spend xmas with respective parents, it's not that unusual, except on mumsnet. We only started doing 'xmas' as a couple once the kids came along. Before then, it was easier all round for him to go to his parents and me to mine for the day. We got the other 364 days together

^ This

My DP goes to his parents at Christmas, I go to mine. More fun than all that silly splitting and doing a mad dash after lunch. His parents used to be on the way to mine so in previous years I've done Xmas eve at his parents and then driven early Xmas morning in zero traffic, but since we've moved it's not on the way so I'll just be going to mine this year.

ethelb · 13/11/2012 23:22

I think spending xmas with your partners parents is overrated. You see your partner most other days of the year. The issue is that he isn;t comprimising.

SoleSource · 13/11/2012 23:32

Mummy's boy.

Moominsarescary · 14/11/2012 02:45

ethel I don't think the op is compromising either if she is the one refusing to let the parents meet

Op why do you get to spend the day with your parents, yet expect your dp to see his for just a couple of hours?