Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Awful situation over inheritance-who is BU?

400 replies

whoisright · 13/11/2012 08:22

I have namechanged as this is such a volatile subject in my family....despite the fact that nobody has even died yet Confused

It is a long story and it is bothering me every day because I do not know what to do or say and it is causing no end of upset and stress within the family.

I am the eldest of 3, our parents divorced years ago. My mum lives in family home (big-ish house in good area) with my younger sister who is planning on moving out soon with her dp so they can live together.

HOWEVER dsis has some health issues (epilepsy) and our mum wants to provide for her so the house will (when our parents have died) go to her, if she has moved out she will just move straight back in again and take it over (no mortgage so she wont have to worry about paying as she has no job).

I have accepted this, but my brother is livid. absolutely livid and has said there is no way he will accept this, he wants the house sold and the money split 3 ways. He has said that yes, she is ill but that we all have problems in our lives and it shouldnt be just one child that is provided for.
He himself has a good job, 2 children but a lot of debt and is renting so sees the money as possibly a deposit for a house and he has mentioned to me that my circumstances are not great (we live in a council house, have 4 dcs with a genetic condition and debts too) but really after living with my sister and seeing her every day I know she will never really be able to work so will not get a chance to get a house like that-she is currently waiting for a council flat to move in with her dp temporarily untill time comes that hey get the family home.

I think my brother should really give this up now, stop going on about it and just accept it like I have. The last thing I want in a few years time is to be caught up in a horrible battle over a house. Yes, that amount of money would be life changing but at the end of the day it is my mums house and it is her choice which of her children she leaves it to.

It is causing a lot of tension between my brother and sister they are both gearing up towards a huge fight over this at some point and I dont know what to say. What do i do?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 15/11/2012 20:25

He deserves to know. On the other hand, you don't deserve either your mother or your sister.

Cahoots · 15/11/2012 20:25

Good plan OP. Hope it goes well.

Original poster
whoisright · 15/11/2012 20:27

I hope I am doing the right thing, I dont want to cause my dad stress or worry though he is not in good health and although he has just got the all clear after radiotherapy and hormone treatment for prostate cancer he has a heart prob too and is 75. I have a feeling he will not be pleasedat all wit my mum and sister and there will undoubtedly be an argument.

After reading all the responses here though I feel it is the right thing to do, but I am nervous esp telling him on the phone.

OP posts:
MummytoKatie · 15/11/2012 20:36

I think you are doing the right thing. If he had the money from his share of the house then he would be able to live a much more comfortable life. Which for someone with his health problems sounds like a really good thing.

Just a thought but maybe he'd be able to move back to London with the money if he moved away due to finances.

Bogeyface · 15/11/2012 21:03

Perhaps you should advise him to get legal advice before he contacts your mother or sister. If you can get him to hold off contacting them, and just deal with it through legal channels then that might help.

Also, make sure that he has his will sorted out asap, as his own wishes will not be carried out otherwise.

DontmindifIdo · 15/11/2012 21:18

Yes, advising he gets legal advise before talking to your mum about it would be best. It also means they don't panic and cancel your sister moving out. It sounds like it would help your whole family if this house was sold.

BlueberryHill · 15/11/2012 21:23

I have at times felt hard done by esp when I was thrown out but they made me think it was me in the wrong that i was violent because i slapped her and how she is vulnerable because of the epilepsy. I am starting to feel as if they have set out to destroy and manipulate me.

I cannot think of anyone more vulnerable than 7 yo and 18 month old children. Turning you and your children out of your house was despicable. Please stay away from them and look after your own family.

When you contact your Dad, ask him to seek legal advice. He needs to get advice on his legal position re the house, wether he should seek to have it sold and / or his own will. He can then protect his own and potentially yours and your DB position. If he leaves his share of the house, assuming he doesn't force a sale, to anyone other than your sister or mother, their plans don't mean shit.

Bogeyface · 15/11/2012 21:27

Blueberry is right. ~If he leaves his share to you and your brother rather than forcing the sale now, then your sister can throw all the hissy fits she likes but she wont get that house unless she buys you out.

You dont sound like you would force a sale, you sound bullied and cowed and for that I really do think you need some more therapy. But, your brother would be strong enough to do that I think, and you dont need to do anything but sign the paperwork.

MrsBucketxx · 15/11/2012 22:15

let us know how you get on whoisl

JacqueslePeacock · 15/11/2012 22:45

I am shocked at this whole thread - your mother and sister have behaved in an utterly toxic way. I dread something like this happening in my family (a very real possibility).

You are doing the right thing by involving your father. A third of that house is his and he should insist on it being sold. Your sister moving out into her own council flat with her DP is the perfect time for him to do that, as well.

helenthemadex · 16/11/2012 21:16

OP I hope that you have spoken to your father about this and that he is going to act, you have done the right thing. You do not sound strong enough to deal with this, but it needs sorting out as it is causing you so much grief

FWIW I have a charge on a house, it sounds very similar to this situation. From memory this charge or interest is registered at the land registry so that the house cannot be sold or 'inherited' without me knowing and receiving my share, Im not sure but I thought that if anything happened to me then my children inherit my share between them or whoever is the beneficiary of my estate (hahahahaha does that mean my debts?)

one last thing, as others have suggested for your own well being perhaps consider speaking to someone about what has happened to you to help you move on and realise you deserve better

MegaClutterSlut · 16/11/2012 21:29

I'm with your brother also

Original poster
whoisright · 16/11/2012 21:30

I spoke to my dad at great length today. He was not surprised about what is being planned but blamed my dm rather than dsis.

He said he needs time to think about the whole situation, he said he has no intention of selling now but wants to ensure we all get a completely equal share at some point in the future.

I think I just have to wait and see what happens now and how he deals with it.

OP posts:
cumfy · 16/11/2012 21:48

Do you think there's any chance you could get the 5 of you to discuss it all together ? Or will DSis veto ?

I'm also curious as to what DSis DP thinks of DSis plan.

NettleTea · 16/11/2012 21:50

I assume he didn't request that the house was sold, and claim his share of the family home (which I am guessing was from the divorce settlement) on hearing the diagnosis because he thought that your sister was going to need care all the time from your mother. He sounds a kind man, who has resigned a financal loss in order to enable your mum and sister to remain in the same house - even if it meant that he wasn't able to stay in the same area himself.
However the fact that your sister has been given her own home clearly demonstrates that she doesn't need the full time care of your mother and she is capable of living independently - especially if she has a partner of her own. I would have thought that his responsibility for her has been superseded by her partner, and that he could quite easily apply for the marital assets to be divided up as per the divorce. Your mum and sister have already had extra time, and I am sure they are aware of this hence them not wanting your father to know. It seems almost as if this plot ties in with his illness - maybe they didn't think he would make it through his treatment.
What does your brother make of this?

Bilbobagginstummy · 16/11/2012 22:27

Really glad you spoke to him. I'm not surprised your dad needs time to think!

Hope this is the first step towards it working out for you all.

CrapBag · 16/11/2012 22:29

Unless he sells his share and forces the sale, I can't see how a fair share is going to happen as he will have no say in the rest of the equity.

I think the only way it will be resolved is contesting the will at the time.

I really don't see your mum suddenly changing her mind and your sister is hardly going to turn around and say she wants it divided equally.

scaredycat12 · 16/11/2012 22:38

"she has 1-2 absence seizures a week, no 'big' ones for 6.5 years. she is on a lot of med and gets really tired. my mum has said there is no way dsis wil ever be able to work so she has to be provided for. my grandma (mums side) agrees with this too.

But having a family - well that's not hard work is it?

You have done the right thing talking to your dad. He sounds like a lovely man sacrificing being close to his children so that his disadvantaged daughter can have some continuity while young and come to terms with her condition. This should not however become a 'lifetime pass' for her to take advantage of her siblings.

scaredycat12 · 16/11/2012 22:46

To be honest I think the sister is living in cloud cuckoo land - there are so many things which could happen and she cannot control them all:

What if your dad forces the sale now?
What if your dad leaves a share to you and your DB and you force the sale?
What if your mum needs extended time in a care home?
What if your mum cannot afford to maintain / pay the bills in a large home?
How could your sister afford the bills on the home once she took up residence?

I think your sister is selling this idea that she 'dreams of bringing up her children there' but the attraction for her is the money not the house. She would happily live elsewhere as evidenced by the fact she is planning to move out to live with DP. As soon as she gets that house and you cannot contest it I wager she will sell and buy something more practical / cheaper.

PrincessFiorimonde · 16/11/2012 23:09

OP
Well done for talking this through with your dad. Sounds as if it wasn't easy for you to raise the subject with anyone. I'm sure you've done the right thing, and it's good that your dad now knows what's occurring.

Here's wishing you a very happy weekend with your DH and DC.

expatinscotland · 17/11/2012 00:07

Well done to you, for speaking with him! He's your father.

chipmonkey · 17/11/2012 01:05

whois, I think the other thing to remember is that this is not really about the money. It's about fair play.
In our situation, where the same is happening with dh's family, what has upset me far more than the money is that it has confirmed to dh what he always felt, that there are favourites and that he's not one of them. I would be happier if the PILs had one euro and dh and his siblings got 20c each!
I couldn't ever do that to my children, let ds2 and ds3 think that I preferred ds1 and ds4 because I only favoured them in my will. No decent mother could let that happen.

BadgerFace · 17/11/2012 09:11

Surely a big factor here is who your dad leaves his 33% to in his Will. Your mum and sister have no control over this. If your dad left his share eqaully between you and your brother then at least you would each benefit by 1/6th, rather than nothing. Although at some point one or both of you would have to force a sale.

I really feel for you OP. Well done for talking to your dad. Your sister and mum are behaving appallingly, although it sounds like they have past form for treating you so badly. You'd do well to minimise your exposure to such selfish horrible people. And their plan doesn't even make sense! Your mum is only 60.

Brycie · 17/11/2012 09:31

The whole thing might backfire on them if your dad decides to sell the house now instead of leaving you and your brother his share.

helenthemadex · 17/11/2012 13:03

I think now you have done something, you can sit back and just try to forget about it. THere isnt anything more you can do, you never know whats round the corner life has a way of throwing things up when you least expect them