Awful situation over inheritance-who is BU?

[whoisright]

I have namechanged as this is such a volatile subject in my family....despite the fact that nobody has even died yet

It is a long story and it is bothering me every day because I do not know what to do or say and it is causing no end of upset and stress within the family.

I am the eldest of 3, our parents divorced years ago. My mum lives in family home (big-ish house in good area) with my younger sister who is planning on moving out soon with her dp so they can live together.

HOWEVER dsis has some health issues (epilepsy) and our mum wants to provide for her so the house will (when our parents have died) go to her, if she has moved out she will just move straight back in again and take it over (no mortgage so she wont have to worry about paying as she has no job).

I have accepted this, but my brother is livid. absolutely livid and has said there is no way he will accept this, he wants the house sold and the money split 3 ways. He has said that yes, she is ill but that we all have problems in our lives and it shouldnt be just one child that is provided for.
He himself has a good job, 2 children but a lot of debt and is renting so sees the money as possibly a deposit for a house and he has mentioned to me that my circumstances are not great (we live in a council house, have 4 dcs with a genetic condition and debts too) but really after living with my sister and seeing her every day I know she will never really be able to work so will not get a chance to get a house like that-she is currently waiting for a council flat to move in with her dp temporarily untill time comes that hey get the family home.

I think my brother should really give this up now, stop going on about it and just accept it like I have. The last thing I want in a few years time is to be caught up in a horrible battle over a house. Yes, that amount of money would be life changing but at the end of the day it is my mums house and it is her choice which of her children she leaves it to.

It is causing a lot of tension between my brother and sister they are both gearing up towards a huge fight over this at some point and I dont know what to say. What do i do?

Even more vile, scheming that a man with whom you had three children and/or your father will die quickish so you can get your hands on his money.

They just get worse and worse.

When my dad rip was ill he and dm made a will, similar situation in the fact that my younger dsis had epilepsy was on medication and still lived at home, me and my older dsis had moved out at this point. My mum wanted to have a Clause stating that my younger dsis would live in the house until 25 and could not be sold until she had her own, my older dsis was not very about this has we both lived in council houses had to pay rent, money issues etc, where as younger dsis did not and would not, i remember a lot of bitterness around although i tried ignore it, however things have changed very much since, dsis has moved out, rarely relies on dm. Hope thong sort themselves out, do your dsis and brother get on?

A house is just a house. No, if the money is split your sister probably won't be able to buy her parent's house, just as I couldn't afford my dad's house. Property prices went mad in some areas of the UK. That doesn't mean I think all the money should go to me though. Your sister should get 1/3 of the money and buy a house she can afford.
I would definitely tell your dad what is going on.

I really dont know what to do, I started this as more than anything I just hated how its all being spoken about constantly despite both our parents being very much alive.

I have at times felt hard done by esp when I was thrown out but they made me think it was me in the wrong that i was violent because i slapped her and how she is vulnerable because of the epilepsy. I am starting to feel as if they have set out to destroy and manipulate me.

will be back later ds2 awake will catch up in a while if i can.

You need to stop saying 'I don't know what to do' and start doing what y

Doing what you CAN do*

Telling your brother, your dad.

whoisright. This type of situation is very upsetting and is the type of thing that is extremely difficult to resolve or come to terms with. You have to acknowledge that it is a shitty part of your life and that you are allowed to feel rotten about it and then just try and make sure all the other parts of your life are as good as possible. You need to concentrate on yourself and your own family. You sound like you are very sensible and positive. Ok, slapping your sister wasn't your finest moment but nobodies perfect and considering the circumstances I wouldn't be too concerned.
I hope the comments on this thread are helpful and that everything goes ok.

Your dad needs to know what is going on.

Why don't you support your brother on getting a third each, rather than giving in to your mum and sister? You could lose your brother by not siding with him. Your mum and sister sound awful.

'I am starting to feel as if they have set out to destroy and manipulate me.'

The scales are falling from your eyes at last.

whosright, I lost one of my three children, a daughter, as a child. There is nothing in the world I wouldn't have done for that child or her brother and sister. In fact, if I didn't have them, I'd be outta here. It's for the other two that I get out of bed every day and keep going.

That is what a mother does. There is NO WAY on this Earth I would ever throw my child and her children in the road like that unless they are, I dunno, Ian Huntley, and even then, I'd ring the police and turn them in, not street them and their kids.

These people are very warped and have damaged you.

Show this to your brother. Show him the whole thing. He'll tell your dad, quite rightly.

Then get some help, because these people could be visiting their toxicity on your kids because they have manipulated you.

This person is not a good mother and your sister is just unspeakably vile.

I cannot imagine, in a million years, planning my life around the death of my father and mother, and they're a far cry from 60. I know they realistically have maybe another 20 years left at best. I don't give a rat's arse about their house or stuff, if we have to sell it to buy them the best of care then that's what it's for.

Am with your brother. Pretty shocking.

Now I've seen your recent posts OP I think you should tell your father what is going on, and disengage from your mother and sister completely. It doesn't sound as though contact with them is at all healthy for you.

Have you shown your DP this thread? What does he think?

Bloody hell, NEVER presume who is going to die first. They must have lived sheltered lives. OP listen to what expat and many others have said. Heed their advice please.

The fact that they are both lying and scheming around your father's death, and your sister around your mother's, and she's only 60!, is very disturbing.

I think your father deserves to know and if you can't do it, then again, just forward all this to your brother, because he seems to realise, just how completely messed up the pair of them are.

As for looking after your mother when she's possibly old and infirm, honestly, you need to at least visit the Stately Homes threads on here and get some support! :)

The mother is going to be rattling around in a massive house for the rest of her life because she's promised it to Dsis.
Pretty soon she's going to ask Dsis and partner to move back in with her.
Gradually she'll find they treat it as their house and she'll be unwelcome in her own home.
I don't give much for the mother's chances of long life and happiness.

OP and DB really should approach father and ask him to force the sale - for everyone's sake.

Your mum is being very unfair. Just because your sister has epilepsy does.not mean she cannt work. My friend has severe epilepsy and she holds down a good job. I Wouk try and talk to your mum

If they are divorced, why would your Dad´s share go to your Mum?

Wouldn´t it go to the three of you?

Sorry if this has been mentioned but came late to thread and its very long: what about inheritance tax? Is it not 40%? There for would the house not have to be sold in order for that tax bill to be settled because I am assuming your dsis does not have that sort of money personally?

whois, I have read this whole thread with uncomfortable recognition. I know someone who acted rather like yours sister has, with the difference that she was the one who ended up estranged from her family. She had an illness, of which one of the symptoms was epilepsy, and she bullied and bullied her mother into changing her will to cut her sister out while her mother was dying of cancer. The sad ending was that her mother stopped taking her calls and died without reconciling. The woman in question then alienated her father, who also died shortly afterwards, and sister. It turned out that neurological problems were affected her personality, although this was built upon a natural predisposition to bully and parents who had given her her own way throughout life. I wonder if your mother is being bullied in a similar way and will feel stronger once your sister has moved out? The woman I knew also tried to conceal assets from social services and the court.

She did inherit half her parents' substantial estate but died herself shortly afterwards, leaving behind a massive mess which I unfortunately am involved in sorting out still. She was willing to see her own children without a place to live to preserve her inheritance, and her actions in her will and those of the trustees she lined up continue to harm both her children and her sister.

I suppose what all this blethering leads up to is that there was no one in a position to step in and prevent any of this. Because she tried to influence one of the executors to vary the will towards her, and succeeded to some extent, the legal bills to the estate were over a tenth of its value. And it was worth a lot.

Your father can and should intervene to make sure that your sister and your mother, however scared of your sister she may be, cannot behave like this. I also think you should let your brother take this to him - I can imagine you are very worried about losing your relationship with your mother however misjudged some of her actions have been in the past.

To add to my monster post, I can say that I empathise with the unfair distribution. I have worked full time since I left university in a job I frequently hated. I've had two nervous breakdowns but kept at it because it paid my mortgage. My brother lived with my father until he was almost 30, with all his expenses paid, having dropped out of uni and not found a job beyond bar work. He often ran up debts that my father paid off and was bought cars which he crashed etc. I would pay for my father to have substantial items when he asked, even though he had money of his own. When my father died last year, he left my brother more money than me, because he had had an 'unfair start to life'. I was rather , particularly as my brother now lives in a house with the deposit paid by his in-laws in a far cheaper country. Luckily my brother is a decent person and has offered to split the difference between the inheritances. I didn't blame him for it, and the money involved was actually pretty minor, but it hurt a lot because it was the final and lasting example of my father's clear preference for my brother. This stuff stings.

Sorry this is so long.

whosright Personally I think your sister deserved more than a slap... I think you sound at least as vunerable as she does. She sounds like the sort of person who will always be coniving to get her own way, and people giving in because it's easier.

Go and talk to your brother, work out together how to stand strong. Go and talk to your dad together. Explain how hurt you are and how your dsis is intending to get all the house, and try and make it sound like she's has to have it.

If you don't stand with your brother and dad over this and do nothing, then they may feel that you're standing with your mum and sister. Then you may lose them and their support.

You may not actually be bothered over this issue-you sound to me as though you feel you shouldn't be bothered, but actually are hurt, but don't believe in your ability to do anything about it.
But standing with your dad and brother means that if there comes a time where you need their support, they will stand with you. If you opt out at this point then they may choose to opt out of helping you.

It sounds like a complex situation where you are being made the scapegoat.

I had a similar situation with my family and found www.amazon.co.uk/Families-Survive-Them-Cedar-Books/dp/0749314109/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1352985895&sr=8-1 very useful to work out what was really going on. I found it genuinely insightful.

hoping you re OK op x

I am ok, sorry we are out all day every week day, school, hosp appts, pre school etc. dont get in till late so culdnt catch up sooner.

Have thought long and hard and i will be speaking to my dad tomorrow.

Glad to hear you have come to some decision OP,I personally feel you have made the right decision and hope you feel a bit better once you have spoken to your Dad.

i think this is a good call, it also means that you don't have to be the one to tackle your mum & sister.