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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's not on to invite everyone in the class apart from two children?

160 replies

3b1g · 12/11/2012 22:41

DS2 is in Y6. A girl in his class has invited about forty children to a disco for her eleventh birthday. This includes everyone in the class apart from two children, and another twelve or so from the other two classes. DS2 is one of the two she hasn't invited, and he is perplexed and disappointed. I understand that he isn't everyone's cup of tea (he has Asperger's and is a bit socially immature) and I suppose that as it's her party then she has a right to invite whomever she wants, but I wouldn't let one of my children do this.

OP posts:
KitchenandJumble · 13/11/2012 20:47

My definition of bullying would be that it is repeated aggressive behaviour (verbal or physical) that involves an imbalance of power. Excluding others could well be bullying.

My point above was about the inevitable way that children excluded from parties are described as "bullies." Well, perhaps some of them have engaged in bullying behaviour. But not all of them have, surely. It's often used as a convenient excuse to exclude them. And in the case of the OP, I think the child excluding her classmates is the one who is acting like a bully.

BonnieBeaumont · 13/11/2012 20:48

I'm a primary school teacher and I try to make sure that I hand out invites. I tell the children it's because I'm so old that I don't celebrate my own birthday any more, I therefore get so excited about theirs! Wink Actually it means I can see who's invited. If it appears that only a few are missing out I place them discreetly in desks. On the rare occasions that everyone is invited, there is much fanfare!

pigletmania · 13/11/2012 21:22

Mary of course the party child has every right nt to invite a child that makes her/him feel unsafe,threatened, who makes their life miserable. We would not invite those people as adults to our social functions why should a child put up with it so they can suck it up, I would rather have a smaller arty and not invite them

EugenesAxe · 13/11/2012 21:50

That's really not on IMO.

I'm very disappointed in the parents actually - assuming they are aware, I guess. They should have been on top of it and either telling her to choose half her class, or if that isn't possible, insisting she invites everyone and getting her to understand why.

I'm sorry for your DS... it breaks my heart really to hear how it's 'perplexed' him. And you too OP; having to try to explain when you love him so much and know his value. I hope you know not everyone out there is as narrow minded as these people.

DaveMccave · 13/11/2012 21:56

Could you discuss it with the class teacher perhaps? Explain how upset DS is, that you don't think it's your place to approach the parent and it's their right not to invite him yadda yadda, but you think such a public exclusion shows bad social skills and perhaps the teacher could let the parent know what has gone on? Pass it on to someone else. It shouldn't go ignored though.

Original poster
3b1g · 13/11/2012 22:08

He is disappointed as he really loves parties and discos.
He is perplexed as he has no comprehension of why she wouldn't invite him.
However, he is not feeling as upset as many children would in that situation because the social nuances go straight over his head. He was just as happy going into school this morning as he always is. I'm hurt on his behalf because I would be upset if it happened to me, so I'm projecting a social sensitivity that he doesn't actually have (yet?).

OP posts:
MaryZezItsOnlyJustNovember · 13/11/2012 22:14

I agree piglet.

But I don't agree that they should be the only person who isn't invited. That is petty, and is bullying on behalf of the parent.

If there really are one or two you can't get over yourself and manage to invite, then only ask half the class. Or have a smaller party. It's quite simple.

neuroticmumof3 · 13/11/2012 23:18

I think she sounds like a very thoughtless girl. I am having a class party for plb dd this month (reception class) and have invited everyone. There was one boy she wasn't keen on having because he can be disruptive, but we had a chat about not leaving anyone out because they'd be upset and she was ok with it after that. Bullying by exclusion is very real and can have devastating consequences. My 20 yr old ds (asd) has left uni because of exclusion by a group of former 'friends'. His self confidence is so shattered that he has not left the house since January despite intervention by CMHT. I just wish people would be a bit more reflective about the potential impact of their actions.

simplesusan · 13/11/2012 23:40

I think it is bad form too.
I feel sorry for your ds op.
I would not let my ds leave out 1 or 2 boys from his parties, even when he protested that one boy was a real pain and ds didn't really get along with him. Invite everyone or just a few.

pigletmania · 14/11/2012 07:21

I really do not like class parties at all and have never done them. But it is bad form to leave a couple out, in this case it was probably due to the op ds sn not that he has done anything wrong or bad. So sad

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