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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's not on to invite everyone in the class apart from two children?

160 replies

3b1g · 12/11/2012 22:41

DS2 is in Y6. A girl in his class has invited about forty children to a disco for her eleventh birthday. This includes everyone in the class apart from two children, and another twelve or so from the other two classes. DS2 is one of the two she hasn't invited, and he is perplexed and disappointed. I understand that he isn't everyone's cup of tea (he has Asperger's and is a bit socially immature) and I suppose that as it's her party then she has a right to invite whomever she wants, but I wouldn't let one of my children do this.

OP posts:
rainbow2000 · 13/11/2012 13:21

I can see both sides of the coin.It is petty to leave someone out but if they are going in to secondary next year will you still be fighting their battles for them.
They have to learn you dont get invited to everything.Secondary school is gonna be a big adjustment what are you gonna do next year if not invited you cant keep asking parents to let the kids come to a party they werent invited to.

And it is possible the party girl just doesnt like your dc and doesnt want him there.She shouldnt have to feel out of place at her party for inviting someone just cause she has to.

Id rather he be invited cause he was wanted rather than an afterthought.
After all he goes now hes gonna know hes not wanted there and that is worse in my opinion.

achillea · 13/11/2012 13:56

In infants (foundation stage?) I would invite the whole class, in Juniors I invited all the girls and then other outside friends (around 20). Year 5 was the last big party and after that it was a special day out with a handful of special friends. They now arrange their own parties, as a consequence of which they have missed the odd year when the couldn't be bothered to! Win Win!

Only once have I deliberately excluded one girl who was bullying dd, who had never invited her to any party of hers. Some people thought it was unfair.

FlaminNoraImPregnantPanda · 13/11/2012 13:58

And it is possible the party girl just doesnt like your dc and doesnt want him there.She shouldnt have to feel out of place at her party for inviting someone just cause she has to.

I'm sorry, but that's a cop out used by selfish people to justify their cruelness to others.

pigletmania · 13/11/2012 14:02

Exactly Flamin, it is a cop out. Rainbow there is no excuse for what the party girl did, she can't like everyone in her class can she Hmm. Would it be so,hard and gut wrenching for her to,show a bit of humility nd compassion, one day she might be the mother Ora kid with sn, and the same thing could happen,then he would know how hurtful and nasty it is to be one of only 2 left out f a class disco

Dancergirl · 13/11/2012 14:03

You can't 'ban' big parties, I assume that was tongue in cheek!

Look, the more fuss a parent makes about a child not being invited, the more of a big issue it becomes. It's not. It's just a party, a one off event. Couple of hours and its all forgotten about the next day. And there's no need to 'make it up to them' with a lavish day out or slating the party/ birthday child/ parents.

As people has said above, it's really about the parents feelings. So put those feelings to one side and show your child that its really not that big a deal.

Original poster
3b1g · 13/11/2012 14:06

Don't worry Dancergirl, I'm not planning a lavish day out. Smile Just lunch in the local caff. He was due some one-on-one time anyway.

OP posts:
DragonMamma · 13/11/2012 14:08

I could never invite the whole class and leave 2 kids out - it just feels so mean.

I either invite the whole class or invite just a few if it's bowling or similar.

rainbow2000 · 13/11/2012 14:12

To me its not a cop out its a way of life.I dont know can she like everyone in her class.Look the ages of them now they are not toddlers that need looking after they have to learn its a big bad world and not everybody plays fair.

The parents aremore upset than the kids that says a lot.
Just cause i dont agree with you doesnt make my point any less valid.

mamamibbo · 13/11/2012 14:13

i think this happens to ds (11) and he doesnt realise, he's only been to one party in the past year and thats his best friend ever in the whole world and he has aspergers aswell

but if he was having a party then he would probably invite all theclass exept the 2 little shits boys that got suspended for attacking him after school at the beginning of the year

FlaminNoraImPregnantPanda · 13/11/2012 14:15

Yep it's really is about the parents feelings. Like how it feels to have your beautiful, kind, caring child say to you 'Mummy, am I horrible person? Is that why the other children don't like me?' Or how it feels when invitations are being handed out to everyone else in the playground before school and they cling to your side and say nothing and you see the broken spirit in their eyes. Or when they are so hurt by the continued isolation and exclusion that they start to self harm because they think they are rubbish. Yep it's all about the parents feelings.

Funny as well how it's nearly always the children with special needs who get left out like this too. We'll never have an inclusive society free from disability discrimation so long as selfish parents allow their selfish children to bully and exclude vulnerable children in this way.

Quadrangle · 13/11/2012 14:17

I once invited all of the girls to a party except two. The two girls had bullied my daughter and made her scared to go to school. No way were they going to be invited.

Quadrangle · 13/11/2012 14:20

...but assuming that the OP's child isn't a bully, then yes that is unfair

ImaginateMum · 13/11/2012 14:26

This happened to DS at half-term. The whole class have been bullying him (school is involved) and were using the fact he wasn't going to taunt him. "You're not going to Lola's party and EVERYONE else is".

The mother of this girl KNEW about the bullying. She knew it was based on nothing in particular, he'd just become the face that didn't fit and was becoming increasingly isolated from the class. And still she allowed her daughter to invite everyone in the class bar him - fuelling his problems.

"She shouldn't have to feel out of place at her party for inviting someone just cause she has to." Really? Of all the 29 other children there his presence would ruin the party? If you had an office party, you wouldn't exclude just a single colleague. You wouldn't leave only one local cousin off the guest list for a wedding.

I get that not everyone goes to every party. Absolutely. So does DS. But leaving out just one or two is cruel. There is no other way round it. I was never allowed to do it as a child and there is no way my children will be allowed to do so.

Dancergirl · 13/11/2012 14:30

flamin you are talking about a pretty extreme example and I imagine there is a LOT more to it than not being invited to parties.

And no, not just SN kids. My own dd doesn't have SN but she's invited to v few parties.

pigletmania · 13/11/2012 14:34

I totally agree with Flamin and quadrangle. Flamin, that is just somSad. Iam pleased in a way as my dd does not like parties, not aware of things like tat and she goes to a specialist school

rainbow2000 · 13/11/2012 14:36

I wouldnt invite people for the sake of it wether they were cousins or not.And i was the person who didnt get invited cause i was weird but you know what its their loss.At least i grew up knowing i wouldnt be invited rather than forced invitation which is worse.

So i do know what its like but as i said its their loss if they are so shortsighted not to include your dc.

oohlaalaa · 13/11/2012 14:36

No, I would invite everyone. DD either has a few close friends or the whole class.

rainbow2000 · 13/11/2012 14:43

Yes thats grand when toddlers but these are nearly teenagers completely different kettle of fish.You wont be able to dictate for ever so start letting go now.Makes life easier.

Spuddybean · 13/11/2012 15:02

*'I´m sure some will disagree-but generally, does a child really like all the kids in their class that much?

Or is it mostly showing off by parents?'*

In my case my mum invited all the children in my class because for 3 or 4 it was the only party they were invited to each year. I would complain that i didn't like them or that 'tony smelled' but now i remember how happy those poor children were and how grateful and relieved their parents were i feel very proud my mum taught me this compassion.

I am very sorry OP, some people should know better. Hope you do something lovely instead.

mummytime · 13/11/2012 16:03

If you only want to invite your DCs friends then only invite 10-12. No one really has 30 friends (or 28) that they can't do without.

tabbytolst · 13/11/2012 16:40

Part of the point here is that while the party is out of school - and so invitations go to whoever - they are being handed out in the classroom, so it's obvious to the whole class who isn't invited. School should be a refuge from the social exclusion that accompanies an ASD diagnosis, not somewhere where it can be highlighted. We all know that in the real world some children just don't fit in, but in the classroom an atmosphere of inclusivity should be the guifing principle. Nearly broke my heart where OP describes her DS asking for his invitation when everyone else had one and being told he is not welcome. There is absolutely no way being made to feel a pariah where you should feel safe is ever acceptable.

Miggsie · 13/11/2012 16:54

Exclusion of a small number of children from a large event is a form of bullying. Relational exclusion is the term.

This event happens most in adolescence, and children who know it is wrong will still participate in it, particulalry if they want to remain "in" with the main group.
The excluded individuals have their confdence and sense of self worth damaged by continual exclusion.
Those with autism/Aspergers are the most likely to experience exclusion bullying.
Those with Autism/Aspergers are the most effected by this exclusion in terms of feeling upset, isolated and depressed.

Exclusion is not uncommon as a form of relational bullying among children.
It is most likley to be used by girls, though boys do it too.

Relational bullying is often done by those individuals with high relational intelligence and who are deemed "popular". Those "nice middle class" types in fact.

The Psycholgist magazine has run several articles ont is recently.

Dancergirl · 13/11/2012 17:13

But it's not just 2 children excluded, what about the others from the other classes? It's one thing if its 1 or 2 children excluded from one class only but in this case, she has invited a range of children from across the 3 classes. Different thing entirely. The OP's ds could in theory be invited to the party of a child in one of the other classes.

Prarieflower · 13/11/2012 17:18

I wouldn't let my 3 do this.

expatinscotland · 13/11/2012 17:19

I wouldn't do this. I think it's rude.