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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's not on to invite everyone in the class apart from two children?

160 replies

3b1g · 12/11/2012 22:41

DS2 is in Y6. A girl in his class has invited about forty children to a disco for her eleventh birthday. This includes everyone in the class apart from two children, and another twelve or so from the other two classes. DS2 is one of the two she hasn't invited, and he is perplexed and disappointed. I understand that he isn't everyone's cup of tea (he has Asperger's and is a bit socially immature) and I suppose that as it's her party then she has a right to invite whomever she wants, but I wouldn't let one of my children do this.

OP posts:
Dancergirl · 12/11/2012 23:36

OP, it's not just your ds. My dd doesn't have aspergers or SN and she hardly invited to many parties. But I still don't think there should be pressure to invite everyone.

midseasonsale · 12/11/2012 23:37

Sorry just under 1/4 - not 1/5.

ioness · 12/11/2012 23:38

Yes we're not allowed to have class lists. So it might well be an oversight. But I think the majority of people would think this is just not on.

I'm sorry this has happened to your ds.

My dd had a best friend for two years in nursery. Once they went to school he rejected her - I've no idea why and neither does she. For several years he's invited most of the class to his party, all her group of friends, but never her. It's very hurtful and I loathe his parents for being such arses frankly. But what can you do.

achillea · 12/11/2012 23:41

They are probably too old now to have a word with the teacher... they will all be moving to secondary school soon. In which case I do think for your own peace of mind you should make that call to the parents and hear them squirm. I think it is important to make a point when your child is being excluded, exclusion is a form of bullying and every time someone does this, they normalise it and the people around them think it's OK too. Would you say something to the parents?

Original poster
3b1g · 12/11/2012 23:41

Midseasonsale: well yes, if you keep extrapolating then you could say that she has only invited 11% of the school. Maybe I'll spin it that way to make him feel better.

OP posts:
EllenJaneisstillnotmyname · 12/11/2012 23:43

Doesn't sound like an oversight. Sad Do something special with your DS and keep the moral high ground. Hopefully Karma will bite them on the arse one day! Grin My DS has ASD, he always got invited to whole class parties, but never to any smaller ones as he just didn't have any special friends. But the whole class looked out for him.

Original poster
3b1g · 12/11/2012 23:44

Dancergirl: that's true. There is no way of knowing whether he is being left out because of the Asperger's or just because she doesn't like him.

OP posts:
TheCatInTheHairnet · 12/11/2012 23:45

I think it's a truly horrible thing to do. I think you only invite a small number or the whole class. I have refused an invitation to a party my dd was invited to, when her friend was the only one not invited in the class. We had a mega playdate here, with some other friends, and they all had a fantastic time.

And, while I'm on a roll, I hate what they do at Bar/Bat Mitzvahs too, when they give out a sweatshirt/tshirt with the child's name on to everyone who goes. Then they all wear them to school on the Monday, and the few that weren't invited get their noses rubbed in it a little bit more.

YellowTulips · 12/11/2012 23:48

I think is very rude.

I see no issue with having a party that involves the childs close social circle (up to 10 friends for example) but when you are deliberatly excluding a very minority of children I think it's not far off bullying to be honest.

In the parents defense, given so many children have been invited, they may be totally unaware that 2 children have deliberatly been excluded if they are not close friends of the birthday girl. I have to say I couldn't name all the children in my son's school year or give you an exact number if you offered me £100.

Personally I would say something to the child's parents along the lines of "I assume you are not aware but only two children, one being my DS have been excluded from the party. I am sure you didn't wish your daughter to come accross as being mean and nasty by excluding such a small group and causing upset so I thought I would just let you know."

If they didn't know and are half decent they will fall over themselves to sort this out. If they approved this decision and tell you "child x can invite who she wants", I would simply reply "yes thats fine and makes very clear the values you wish to impart to your child, so its probably for the best my son isn't coming".

Original poster
3b1g · 12/11/2012 23:48

I'm not going to call the mum, I'm too confrontation-averse, but I like the idea of doing something nice for him that day so he has something to look forward to.

OP posts:
YellowTulips · 12/11/2012 23:50

sorry for all the typos :-( bloody iPad

KitchenandJumble · 12/11/2012 23:53

YANBU. I absolutely loathe this pettiness which, alas, seems quite common.

But you will undoubtedly get many people on this thread defending this practice. These responses will be along the lines of "Why should my child suffer just because he doesn't want to invite a classmate? It's his party after all!" Hmm And then they will invariably add that the excluded child was a bully. Double Hmm

One of my brothers was always left out of classmates' parties. Always. He is on the autism spectrum, though it was undiagnosed in childhood. He has never bullied anyone in his life, he is quite incapable of such behaviour. But I guess kindness to a child who has a tough life anyway is something that certain parents aren't at all capable of.

I hope your DS isn't too hurt.

ImperialStateKnickers · 12/11/2012 23:55

I've been a victim of this exclusion bullying. It sucks.

TheCatInTheHairnet · 13/11/2012 00:00

I do think it's really important for children to realise that, yes it's their birthday and yes, it's special, but if you're going to invite the majority of the class, then they have to suck up the fact that they also need to invite "the boy who is annoying" or "the girl that talks too much". It's about teaching your children tolerance and reminding them that the whole world doesn't revolve around just them.

Cahoots · 13/11/2012 00:01

YANBU at all. It was a spectacularly mean thing to do. Do the school,allow invites to be handed out at school? If so, I would have a word with them. At the very least someone needs to tell the parents what a hurtful thing they have done.
Are you absolutely sure there has not been a mix up of some sorts? Perhaps the parents didn't realise it was only two DC's in the class that hadn't been invited.

TheBigKidsDidIt · 13/11/2012 00:03

yellowtulips - I love that advice.

Cahoots · 13/11/2012 00:08

I agree yellowtulips is really good.

Cahoots · 13/11/2012 00:08

..yellowtulips advise .....

Cahoots · 13/11/2012 00:10

Gggrrr. Advice NOT advise Blush

plim · 13/11/2012 00:11

I always do smaller parties for my dcs, so don't invite the whole class, but to invite 30+ and leave two out is just plain spiteful and insensitive imo.

RyleDup · 13/11/2012 00:12

It sounds a bit mean. I wouldn't let my dc do this without a damn good reason. I'm sorry for your son. Take him out and doing something amazing on the day.

pigletmania · 13/11/2012 00:44

Mid season 2 have been left out of the class arty not acceptable. Op ds hasahas not bullied anyone. It's probably ur to his sn which is downright nasty

MidniteScribbler · 13/11/2012 00:55

Our school has the rule that if 50% or more of the class are invited then you must invite all (everyone has a class list, so no excuse) because so many parents are prats were willing to allow their children to exclude one or two.

pigletmania · 13/11/2012 01:30

Good idea midnite, some prats parents are obviously incapable of any empathy or thought and need to be shown some.

GreenEggsAndNichts · 13/11/2012 01:48

When I was 8, a girl in my class invited all the girls to a slumber party, and "had" to invite me (she made sure I knew that, though while we were at the party, not beforehand, or I might not have gone).

We're 36 now, I was her maid of honour, and she was mine. I don't think her mum made her, either. Wink She's still my best friend, though those early years we absolutely hated each other.

Where am I going with this? Nowhere, except that yes, I think it's wrong to invite the whole class and leave one or two out. Shame on the parents, if they are aware of it happening.