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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's not on to invite everyone in the class apart from two children?

160 replies

3b1g · 12/11/2012 22:41

DS2 is in Y6. A girl in his class has invited about forty children to a disco for her eleventh birthday. This includes everyone in the class apart from two children, and another twelve or so from the other two classes. DS2 is one of the two she hasn't invited, and he is perplexed and disappointed. I understand that he isn't everyone's cup of tea (he has Asperger's and is a bit socially immature) and I suppose that as it's her party then she has a right to invite whomever she wants, but I wouldn't let one of my children do this.

OP posts:
AdoraJingleBells · 13/11/2012 02:03

YANBU,

We can't afford the whole class so we do small groups. When we could afford more DDs were told either all girls or whole class, no leaving out 1 or 2.

ElaineBenes · 13/11/2012 02:13

Yanbu. It's either a small party or everyone. I don't get the selfish 'it's up to the party child'. No, it's not. It's up to the parents to teach their child empathy. I had tantrums with dd1 who wanted a big, whole class party when she was 5 - apart from the children she didn't like. Sorry, it doesn't work like that when you care about the feelings of others. Your poor ds :(

MammaTJ · 13/11/2012 06:03

YANBU, that is just mean!! Have a lovely time with him on the day though. Plan something as spectacular as you can manage, maybe with the other left out child?

OpheliaPayneAgain · 13/11/2012 06:19

Our school has the rule that if 50% or more of the class are invited then you must invite all

That's plain ridiculous - you can't force parents to change venues (off the top of my head) if you went to Build a Bear that had a 25 head limit so 5 from a class weren't invited! That would be dealt with outside the playground - invites handed over at the gate and off school premises, then it doesnt become a school issue (not that it should be anyway).

Never heard such an example of nanny-state in my life.

It's a sad fact of life that not everyone is popular in the same way not everyone is or sporty, or tall and blonde or a size 8.

onetiredmummy · 13/11/2012 06:26

Perhaps the mother thinks your DS may need some kind of special attention & is not willing to chance it? Perhaps she has thought that the loud music & flashing lights of a disco may be too much for him? Perhaps she thinks he may be disruptive?

Its such a shame as IME once a child has been excluded the first time its much easier for it to happen the 2nd time as the precedent has been set. Then after a time it becomes normal that the child is excluded & it happens automatically.

Do something special with him on the day :)

TheHairyDieter · 13/11/2012 06:28

How horrible Sad. How could any parent allow this? If you are going to invite most of the class, then you should invite all of the class.

mummytime · 13/11/2012 06:30

When my son was left out, I was proud of him as he actually had the guts to ask the Mum herself about it.

OldMumsy · 13/11/2012 06:47

Could you not offer to attend too to look after him, they may be scared they couldn't cope with him?

girlsyearapart · 13/11/2012 06:51

What did she say mummytime?

And op yanbu. It's mean.

lunar1 · 13/11/2012 07:00

You really have to wonder about the moral compass of people who think this behaviour is ok.

Original poster
3b1g · 13/11/2012 07:09

OldMumsy and onetiredmummy, I did wonder about that, but loves discos and has been to every school disco and loved it. The birthday girl knows this. If they were worried he wouldn't cope then I would have been very happy to stay, and take him home if it got too much (which it wouldn't have done) if the mum had contacted me to ask me.

OP posts:
MissPants · 13/11/2012 07:10

We have this with DD2 at the moment, 3 party's in the last month and no invite Sad

She is 7 and has Aspergers too, as she's getting older the social politics at school are ever more baffling to her. There used to be a time when she just wouldn't have noticed, but lately it's been so hurtful to her.

She came and chatted with me whilst I was in the bath last week and told me she thinks she's not "normal" like the other kids and that she feels something is missing inside her Sad Oh how that tore at my heart.

Her birthday is in January and she will be inviting the whole class, no matter how much I feel like tactically excluding the ones who have caused her hurt. I'm just petrified in case none of them come, she's so excited and I'm filled with dread that her birthday will be the day their gradual exclusion of her becomes total.

Definitely do something special on the day, I think that's the best we can do in these circumstances as I have never approached a parent about it either. YANBU, and I really feel for you and your DS.

OldMumsy · 13/11/2012 07:15

3b1g it still sucks for your DS. Maybe you could ring the parents and offer? Sometimes it's better to assume the best in people and give them a chance to do the right thing. Fear of the unknown is a powerful driver and the parents may not know as much of your DS as their DD..

Original poster
3b1g · 13/11/2012 07:17

The birthday girl only joined the school a couple of years ago and none of the parents hang around in the playground after Y3. The mum hasn't been to class nights out or helped at any events, so I haven't met her, which makes this slightly more tricky. I could ask another mum for the contact number from the invitation and then phone her, but I don't think I'm that brave.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 13/11/2012 07:18

Awww misspants Sad. My dd5 has ASD and goes to special school for Autism so I am glad this won't be happening. Yes to invite all the class but two and just because one has an sn is horrid. Not acceptable it's undercover bullying tbh and should not be tolerated

Justforlaughs · 13/11/2012 07:27

I actualy asked a similar question recently but from the other angle, where my DD was terrified of one child in her class and I didn't want him at her party if he continued to bully her. I still believe that this was acceptable, however this is not the same situation as you are in OP. I feel very sorry for your son. I would also go along with those people advocating doing something special for him, is there a friend you could invite to join you?

As for the idea that a school can legislate how many children are invited to a party, it's frankly beyond their control. Yes, they can send out a letter reminding people of class lists and asking that they consider the feelings of those left out but after that it's none of their business who does and who doesn't get invited.

pigletmania · 13/11/2012 07:32

Just for laughs that is different, the child is a bully so your dd has every right not to have him at your party, as a consequence he will not be invited to any parties. The op ds has sn and is not bullying, just different which is not on. I remember invites being handed out in class and me never getting one, because I had sn and was seen as odd

Magsie1973 · 13/11/2012 07:38

I dont think you're being unreasonable at all. This happens a lot and tbh I think the school should be having a word with the parents and perhaps referring them to their anti bullying policy. Its not right that class teachers are sitting back and allowing children to be sidelined in this way. Just my opinion of course.

OldMumsy · 13/11/2012 07:40

We have Asperger children in our family and also in our circle of friends. Some people are scared of what they don't know. It's part of the task of all people who understand the issues to try to impart knowledge and understanding in a kind way to give them the chance to grow and do the right things rather than avoiding those children.

pictish · 13/11/2012 07:40

Yanbu - I would never do this...and frankly, I think parents who allow their children to do so, are morons.
Deeply unpleasant. Your poor son.

FellatioNelson · 13/11/2012 07:41

I think this is an awful thing to do even if I felt justified in excluding one or two children on purpose, I just couldn't do it quite so obviously. It would have to be either the whole class or, at most, two-thirds of them for me to feel comfortable with it. that's why we never had 'whole class' parties - it's not necessary and a bit daft.

Violet77 · 13/11/2012 07:43

Gosh its mean, fine to invite who you wish but everyone bar two is horrific. If your son was badly behaved i might ask you to chaperone him.

In my heart of hearts i jst think how would you feel if it was your child. I stretched our party numbers this year to not leave anyone out.

Disco mum if your reading this...put that boot on your foot!!

pingu2209 · 13/11/2012 07:46

I don't think you are being Unreasonable. However, neither do I think the child/child's parents are either. Your child is in Y6 for goodness sake. Okay if he/she was in infants, but there has to be a line drawn at an age. Your child will be in secondary school next year and needs to toughen up a bit if something like that upsets him.

FellatioNelson · 13/11/2012 07:54

The trouble is, piglet that most young children who may be perceived as bullies, or just particularly disruptive and badly behaved are often the same children whose mothers will be saying 'isn't it sad they don't get invited because they have an SN.' I have known several children on the autistic spectrum who have been consistently aggressive/violent towards other children. That's not to say they all are, but it happens.

Of course the mother wants to defend and understand/justify the reasons for the behaviour that is putting other people off inviting them, but to the other parents it's irrelevant really - if their child actively dislikes another child, or if that child's presence is likely to cause a problem then they should not feel obliged to have them there whatever the reason. It's harsh, I know, but you wouldn't invite a work colleague you disliked to your wedding, just because you were invited others would you?

Having said that, I would not be cruel enough to single out one child, or a tiny minority of children, whatever the reason. It looks petty and spiteful and a bit childish. Just narrow down the numbers a little further so it is not so obvious. I can't believe unless your child is in a class of 10 kids it can be that hard.

pingu2209 · 13/11/2012 08:02

I just wanted to add that my eldest child has SEN and was regularly not invited to play dates etc because he is a bit 'odd'. I felt sad about it, but just pleased and happy that he has the friends he does.

At age 10/11 the children are not little anymore and have the right to decide who they do or don't want at their party.