To think it's not on to invite everyone in the class apart from two children?

[3b1g]

DS2 is in Y6. A girl in his class has invited about forty children to a disco for her eleventh birthday. This includes everyone in the class apart from two children, and another twelve or so from the other two classes. DS2 is one of the two she hasn't invited, and he is perplexed and disappointed. I understand that he isn't everyone's cup of tea (he has Asperger's and is a bit socially immature) and I suppose that as it's her party then she has a right to invite whomever she wants, but I wouldn't let one of my children do this.

Miggsie - thanks for that - that definitely explains the scenario as my son has experienced it. Lots of "butter wouldn't melt" PBFs acting in a really bullying way, aided by their parents.

There is a very detailed book about relational aggression called 'Odd Girl Out'. Although written about girls, a lot of the content would apply to boys to. From memory, I think it's by Rachel Simmons (but I might have remembered the name wrong). I don't know how to link to it using my phone.

Its so sad to read this :( my 8 year old is asd , first year of school was invited to 7 parties, wen he went up to year 1 he was moved in to the special needs unit which is in same school, spends morning in there and afternoon in mainstream, since then and it becoming common knowledge he has sn he hasn't been invited to another party or to friends after school.
Breaks my heart wen he comes home saying all class got invites and he didn't text:(
As other poster said, on that day do something special, take his mind of it
As u said, people r scared of what they don't understand x

Dd1 and her friend wanted to exclude two boys when they had a joint reception party, they were two boys who tended to be more aggressive, of course we didn't let them. My rules are no more than 2/3 or the whole class, and if more than about 2/3 of girls are invited then they should all be invited.

I think you should find a nice age appropriate book (maybe someone here or on SN board can recommend one), which explains about inclusion etc, wrap it up, and ask another parent to drop it into the present tub at the party. But then I can be quite devious!

I hope he gets another party invitation soon f1 - perhaps there can be more parties in the first year at school with everyone trying to get to know each other ?
Can you ask a friend over ? ... I need to do this more for my DS too I think.

It's cruel. There is no other way of looking at it. They have deliberately left out just 2 children from the child's class. It's not on.

My own rules would be - half or less of the significant group (whole class, boys, girls) or you invite the whole lot.

I would never allow my child to miss out just a small number of the class.

If there were bullying type issues I would then deal with that separatlly and speak to the parent involved.

I guess hulababy it depends on the number of boys/girls in the class, in dd1's class there were at one point 22 girls, I wouldn't object if she just wanted 14 of them, but for dd2 there are only 12 girls, so leaving 4 out seems more cruel, but sometimes the limit for venues is 10 (including her two siblings). Dd2 isn't particularly sociable, she has some AS traits and mainly plays with boys and just wants 3 guests so isn't a problem!

I wonder how many of the parents who are happy to leave out one or two 10 year olds because they are "bullies" or "different" or "my child doesn't get on with them" would have the guts to ask all but one of a friendship group.

If they hung around with a number of couples would they feel ok leaving one out?

If they were having a work related do would they leave out one employee?

I bet they wouldn't.

I think it's unforgiveable to leave out one or two children from a class of 30. Even if those one or two are different, have SN or even if they are the "class bully". Because the class bully in a primary school always has a reason for being the "bully" and the cure is inclusion, not ^exclusion. Ok, you might have to watch them closely, but you can still have them.

And if you genuinely can't, then only ask 15.

I so wish I was loaded as I would throw you DS and all his family and friends the BEST DISCO IN THE WORLD EVER! It would be so amazing!! Tell you DS that my DS is in Y6 and he and about 5 others did not get invited to some girl 11th swimming party either, so he's not the only one left out.

It's nothing but mean and tight. Fuck them and go off and have a great time and don't even give them a 2nd thought.

YANBU I think that's not nice at all, just because he has Aspergers doesn't mean he shouldn't be invited. Kids eh

My ds also had this recently but in the end it worked out ok as it was the same night as his football training and he won't miss that for any party .

I can understand how he feels though to be left out, I had the same experience, was very upset at being left out. Needless to say I wasn't friends with that child all through school and she ended up with hardly any friends because of the way she treated people

I didn't leave out two children because they were the "class bully" I left them out because they bullied my particular child. They had no SN and had parents who were perfectly good parents. They had just found it fun to pick on my child who was shyer than they were. Why on earth should my child have to have children who bullied her at her birthday party? I wanted her to enjoy it!
Perhaps not being invited would make them think about why that was. It would have pretty obvious to them! Speaking to the teacher sorted out the problem in the end. They were not children with problem lives, they were just children who thought they'd have a bit of fun at someone else;s expense and i have never regretted not inviting them that time. (They were invited the following year when i invited all the girls in the class, as there had been no more bullying problems.) Save your sympathy for the bully victims! As I said this does not apply to the OP's child as he is not a bully i assume.

"If they hung around with a number of couples would they feel ok leaving one out?" No because none of the couples I hang out with bully me.

Dancer he was one of 2 excluded from the whole of his class, he is not in the other classes is he! I aggre Migsy and have highlighted that this is a form of bullying, when op son asked where his invite was, the girl presumably did not seem embarrassed and invited him, pin stead using this as a form of power

In my case i left 2 out of 14 girls, rather than out of the whole class of 30 as it was a girl only party.

Oh God, that is AWFUL. Your poor little boy. What an absolutely horrible way to go on. There is no hope when parents are actively leading the way in discriminating like this. I really hope your lad can see the pettiness of these people and appreciate that he is a better person than them.

Spudybean, your mum sounds lovely. Wish a few more had her attitude.

Totally agree with you quad, the bullies should lean that because of their behaviour they will get left out of parties

There is always the possibility that inviting the so-called bullies, including them and keeping an eye on them will give you an insight into the class dynamics and enable you to help to sort out the bullying. And of course she wouldn't be bullied at her own party - I assume you would be keeping an eye on all the children .

But no, people find it easier to justify isolating children.

Quadrangle, would you be happy if your child was the only child left out because she was "shy"? Or would you like her included, so that they all had a chance, outside school, to get to know her.

And in my experience bullies don't learn by being left out. They learn to dislike the other children who leave them out. And become even less able to have good social interaction with them.

Obviously this doesn't apply to older teenagers, but it does apply a lot at primary age.

Oh, and I always invited all the boys/all the girls to my children's parties. Even the one boy in ds2's class who wasn't invited to any other parties for his whole time in primary schoolr, and was later diagnosed as having ADHD.

I completely agree with MaryZez. Extremely well put.

I must admit I am a bit fed up with the term "bullying" being tossed around to cover a multitude of transgressions. On MN recently I have seen accusations of bullying lodged against a 3-year-old child and a 5-year-old on the autism spectrum. IRL I have heard so many people complain of "bullying" which turned out to be merely a matter of disagreement between two individuals.

It's a word that triggers a knee jerk reaction. People know they can receive automatic sympathy if they invoke this word. And so many people use it inaccurately, which trivializes the very serious issue of real bullying.

Last year i hosted a whole class party for ds. As i didnt go every day, i asked a assistant to give me names, she wasnt allowed to do that. She suggested iooked at the coat pegs.. so after a couple of attempts of juggling a baby, book bags, letters etc i thought i had them all. Invites duly sent out. After the party i realised i hadnt invited them all and had in fact left 2 out. I was mortified as i didnt mean to do that. As they werent very good friends with ds, he didnt notice either. Not at all intentional.
This year, he is having 7 friends all boys and thats it.
Ds wants to invite a boy who has a twin sister. I dont really want to, but did speak to the mum and explain. She said that was fine.
I dont like leaving children out.
I hope your ds has a nice time at the cafe instead

I would define bullying as repeatedly upsetting someone on purpose. How would you define it?

Skateboarder: I have boy/girl twins and have always been happy for them to be invited separately to things. They have different friends, anyway.

This happened to my son when two of the most popular kids had a joint party early on in primary school. It hurt me a lot more than it even affected my son a happy Aspie. It partcularily hurt as we were all 3 of us mums on the same PTA committee and they used time after one meeting as a party planning meeting. As I left I hinted that we had been inadvertantly left off the list and they plainly said that we were def not coming and no mistake. I cried in the car before going home

About 5 years later one of the mums had a difficult divorce and ironically I was one of the few who did not shun her when she started spouting vitriol about stbxh at that time we shared an after school club. She was plainly hurting......and from that day to this I never told her that she had hurt me and my family.

There are some very mean and judgemental people on some PTAs. Some parents are also a bad influence on others, one mum used to spend the entire meeting talking about mums she didn't like, discovered later I was one of them. Ho hum.

I don't think this could be called bullying tbh. It is upsetting, I agree, but it is not bullying.

You cannot make a child want to be friends with another child. Just because someone does not want your child in their friendship group and gives them a wide berth it does not necessarily make them a bully.

To me, bullying is persistently directing unpleasant behaviour, violence or intimidation towards a person, as a form of sport or as a way of exerting control through fear. It is the act of seeking the victim out in order to make him feel bad.

More often that not, when children frequently leave another child out of a social group it is not necessarily a conscious or deliberate act to hurt the child - it's just that they don't particularly like having him around, and therefore do not bother to include him. That's all. And if he asks to join in he may be told no, because that's what happens in the grown up world - we can choose our own friends and we are not forced to socialise with people who don't float our boat.

It is heartbreaking if you are that child - but it isn't bullying.

Now deliberate ostracising, and encouraging others to actively turn against and ignore an individual with the sole purpose of making him unhappy - that is bullying. but I don't think that is what has happened here, in the case of the party invites.