Granny took toddler to the cemetery

[MrsMoosickle]

Eeek! I might perhaps be a tad unreasonable but I'm not best pleased.

3 year old DD has been at the local cemetery with Granny and has come home with tales of little babies in heaven and teddies on trees and wind chimes they can hear from heaven.

DH thinks that's ok, I feel a bit sad that she's even thought about it at such a tiny age.

I have always felt that death and what happens afterwards should be part of children's lives from a very young age. I first took DD to visit Great Uncle's grave when she was very small, sadly he shares his grave at the memorial of Arras with just under 35,000 other young men. I go as my GM regretted that she had never visited her brothers grave and I drive past regularly so I go for her and her memory now.
I taught her from day 1 that cemeteries are very special places where we go to remember people we have lost.

So much in the way of death is shown on television news and in the newspapers that no one can really be guarded against it, however young.

I have loved reading the moving posts here so will add one of my own. I have just returned (on Saturday) from San Carlos in the Falkland Islands where I left some of my DH's ashes (he was not in the 1982 conflict) but I know we would have gone together if he were still alive.

Perhaps an appropriate thing to show them is the Cenotaph service and march past on Sunday television. And tell them why those who fell are to be thanked for what they gave. A bit of ceremony might be of help.

Our DS was only 8 weeks old when FIL died, I have far too many friends in our cemetery as well as my beloved grandparents and children of close friends. We visit quite regularly and have done since DS was a baby.

We go there to talk, smile and be together - I can tell DS about the Great Grandparents he never met, the funny stories. We talk about my friends who died young. We tidy up the grave stones, lay fresh flowers.

I find it a very peaceful place.

I hope this does not offend anyone.

1 grandad of mine died years before DD was born, but the cemetary is near our house so DD often came with me to visit his grave there. She also got to know her other 3 surviving great grandparents on my side - 2 of whom have died in the past 2.5 years (and the last is very frail so probably won't see Christmas). For both, she came to the Church for the removal, but not to the funeral service - and has visited the grave of that Grandad and helped to scatter Grans' ashes from a boat onto the sea (Gran's wishes). DD is 6 and has Aspergers, so things are taken very literally.

She also talks about them still a lot - and the fact that they are gone and won't be back, so it's sad but it was lovely to get all the hugs from them while they were here. And she does talk about heaven too.

It also means that, while we have to be careful to explain things very literally to her and not use the euphamisms that many people do (she didn't "go to sleep", she "died"), it also means that she is aware of that circle of life and that everyone will die at some point. (Occasionally, she talks about when she is grown up and that I will be dead - but not in a morbid way, just very matter of fact).

It also means that I don't have to hide things from her. So if I am sad about my Granny who died, I can cry cos all grownups cry sometimes. And they can remember happy things about the people who died too. And if I am worried about my other Gran, I can say that, and that I know she'll die someday, but probably not today (certainty is important too in our household, which is not always possible on such subjects).

When my 2nd Grandad died, my siblings and I were all there as we are adults, but his other 3 grandkids were still under 10 (their dad was the youngest, my dad the eldest) and their parents couldn't deal with it all and sheltered them entirely from it - so they didn't know how to react (all the usual taboos etc), meanwhile, I just brought DD along as we had no alternative in the evening, and she saw it all (not open coffin but the service and lots of chat afterwards) so it was nothing to be scared about or not talk about.

Actually, I probably should also include my own perspective. Being from a traditional Irish family, we didn't go to funerals as kids. If need be (for childcare reasons), we went in the car and sat outside the church while 1 or both parents went to removals at night. Death was never discussed. (And we were lucky that it didn't impact too close to home as kids either - my great gran died when I was 4 but I didn't know her well and the other GGPs were dead before I was born).

I used to wander through the old graveyard near school on the afternoons I had piano lessons, while waiting (not every week, but a lot of fine days). I found it very peaceful, even though I didn't know anyone in it.

The first funeral I was at was an elderly gran-aunt when I was 19. It was harrowing, because I didn't know what to expect, I had not really known she was sick, all these grownups I knew well were in bits at it (well loved lady from a wide family circle and suffered cancer). It took me ages to come to terms with that.

Whereas, by allowing DD see it as a normal part of life, she won't have to face that.

This is another story to explain death to children

www.amazon.co.uk/Goodbye-Mog-Judith-Kerr/dp/0007149697

I have always felt that death and what happens afterwards should be part of children's lives from a very young age.

I think so too, but think I find the way in which UK culture completely avoids the issue of death quite strange and unhealthy. I'm Irish too and my experience was really different to Biddypop's. For example I remember attending the wake of a child who had died (and was laid out in full view in the main room of the house) as a ten year old. It was just normal. It probably helps in my case that DH and I are both reasonably devout Christians, which makes it easier to talk about death. From our POV it isn't something to be afraid of.

Shabba Your story about your grandson in his wrestling outfit has really made me smile. Just brilliant, i bet his uncle would have approved!!!

Both my children have been visiting the cemetry since birth practically. Their grandfather passed 15 months ago and it is a great source of comfort to MIL to take her grandsons to visit her husbands grave. It sort of feels like she is sharing them with him, children make light of every situation.
My eldest took to blowing kisses at his grave saying 'this is for gramps and the wiggly worms' if taking them makes me a bad mother than so be it!

It's just possible that if children are brought up not to be so horrified and disgusted by death then one day our society will get better at looking after bereaved people, instead of mostly avoiding the issue.

Just wanted to add how much this resonated with me, as someone who lost both her parents in her late teens/early twenties. Our collective fear and avoidance of the whole issue just leaves bereaved and terminally ill people trapped behind a wall of silence and embarassment.

I've read most (not all) posts and what I get from it is that bar a couple most people's DCs were introduced to death/a cemetery (sadly) because someone close to them had died and not because their relative decided to randomly walk them through a cemetery iykwim. Imo I will approach that subject when my child asks or if (god forbid) anyone close dies rather than just suddenly bring it up.. I get what I mean anyway..

On another note though I am really terrible at dealing with death. I don't know how to respond to someone informing me someone has died, I really don't and I also have an irrational fear of dying/have a lot of anxiety surrounding it. When I was 4 my grandad died, I was very close to him and all I was told was 'he's now the brightest star in the sky', I was seen as too young to attend the funeral and I only went to visit his grave a handful of times but it wasn't something we talked about we just went and laid flowers really. Nobody discussed death, my nanna was devastated for a long time and still is really all these years on but she came from the 'stiff upper lip' era and she viewed showing her grief in front of people, especially me and cousins who are around my age too, as weak. So because it was so taboo I now have such an issue with it, my literal biggest fear is someone I love dying or dying myself..

It's good to talk about it but I don't think you should be the one to randomly bring it up first, it should be something that is touched upon when the child feels they want to ask/if someone dies. Just my opinion though, each to their own

My mil did exactly the same thing when my girls were 3 and 4. My girls have not been traumatised by it, and it didn't occur to me to be annoyed.

I've taken my DDs (aged 4 and 2) to a beautiful local cemetery many times.

And told them about death.

They don't seem traumatised.

I approach this from the other end of the scale. I lost my sister when I was 6 years old and looking back, I wish that death had been introduced to me more gently! I know it's not something anyone likes to think about happening but tragically it does. Visiting a cemetery and talking positively about death are both things I've done with my DD (5) because, like others have said, it really is a part of life, albeit a tragic one. One a side note, I used to visit my sister every weekend and sit and play with my dolls by her grave thinking that she might be lonely. I still remember someone approaching my mum and shouting at her how awful it was that she could let a child play in a graveyard and that she was surely traumatising me, social services should be called, etc. It still saddens me slightly that.

BiddyPop

How odd. My family is traditional Irish and all the dc go to funerals. When my grandad died he laid in the house overnight and we all went to see him to say goodbye. My dad died in a hospice but all the children that wanted to went to see him.

Our upbringing was very natural about death. The whole family attend as they o weddings and all other family based ceremonies.

Little kids are fascinated by death. It can be quite disconcerting.

I don't see the harm in a 3 year old going to a cemetery, but I'm Irish and love graveyards, so perhaps I'm not the right person to be commenting.

I find this whole 'I WILL DECIDE WHEN MY CHILD LEARNS ABOUT X TOPIC' quite weird. I mean, how are people meant to know they should just not talk about certain things or skirt around them, or do a big 'you will have to ask your mother about that one'- which is going to make it sound even more of a big deal.
My gran always used to take me round the cemetery when I visited her. It taught me how to work out ages, got me very interested in local history and funnily enough a lot less scared about death.

Erm I dunno actually , death is a part of life and it sounds like she was making it 'nice' for her.

my grandad died when I was 6 I was just told his hearts stopped and he died.

My boys learned about death at my daughter's funeral when they were 3 and 2, as they are also autistic their understanding wasn't quite there but they have been taken regularly in the 5 years since and I try to answer them age appropriately.

DD has visited since she was born one year and sixteen days later.

". I mean, how are people meant to know they should just not talk about certain things or skirt around them"

that's the thing - though i understand the impulse, sooner or later life happens anyway.

lots of children went to my sons special goodbye party - their Mummies would have had to cover the topic in some way if they hadn't already.

OP I haven't read all the posts but thought I could share our experience.

We had two DC die and then two DC survive. The younger two have always visited the graves of their older siblings although they never met them - the graveyard was very close to our home at the time. When DD started school I explained to staff that she was aware of her older siblings, that they had died and were buried in the churchyard. When she started to have friends home for tea I used to check that their parents were happy that DD might take the friend to the graves as it was often part of our post tea pre bed walk - no one ever objected.

My experience is that very young children are matter of fact, as they become more 'self aware' 8,9 10ish it seems that death can be more frightening.

My grandma did this with me.

It is one of the most poignant (& funny) memories I have of her. Funny in that whenever I think of her saying "& do you realise this child was younger than you are now when she died?" it sort of sums up all her idiosyncrasies in one question. That she so badly wanted me to be grateful for each day, to appreciate how fortunate i was, but that she had such a strange & slightly morbid way of teaching me that particular lesson.

Ceilidh, she was trying to do the right thing? She sounds like a good person :)

My dad died when I was four and I wasn't allowed to attend the funeral I used to play in the cemetery when I was a child. It felt safe and peaceful.

There is no point at all in being squeamish about death and children just seem to accept it as part of life, which it is.

I actually think Grandparents are a good choice of person to introduce this sensitive subject. The age gap has a kind of beauty to it. The older person with all that life experience bestowing some if it upon a child with so little.

It is a different perspective and a natural one. We've just moved away from this sadly.