Granny took toddler to the cemetery

[MrsMoosickle]

Eeek! I might perhaps be a tad unreasonable but I'm not best pleased.

3 year old DD has been at the local cemetery with Granny and has come home with tales of little babies in heaven and teddies on trees and wind chimes they can hear from heaven.

DH thinks that's ok, I feel a bit sad that she's even thought about it at such a tiny age.

I used to use the local cemetry as a short cut to get to town when it was a nice sunny day and my kids were little. They loved going there as we would sit on a bench in the sunshine and watch the squirrels and rabbits running around. An occasional dog walker would stop for a chat and we would sometimes look at the headstones, (only the really big ones). But I made sure they respected the place and didnt run on any graves or distrub people.

My kids are not afraid of the graveyard, they see it as somewhere quiet and peaceful and understand that this is where you go when you die. They actually have nice memories of our local graveyard.

Nothing wrong with taking a toddler there.

Totally agree Ballroomblitz. My lovely Nan died when my DS4 was 3. He came to the funeral and was fascinated with everything. Then we went to a local restaurant/pub for her wake. My Mum said a few words about my Nan and everybody raised their glasses to her. Then DS4 shouted 'Right lets gets GG's bye bye party started!!' Thought some of my elderly relatives were going to pass out with shock!! He then spent the next hour sliding on the dance floor even though there was no music playing - ahhh the innocence of children.

YABU. death is a fact of life. I take my DD to the cemetery all the time - it's a peaceful place to walk and look for squirrels and birds etc.

I live round the corner from a small cemetery. It has lots of winding paths that intertwine so you could spend all day walking around them.

When my DS was a baby I used to go there nearly every day to walk him to sleep. Some of my friends found that a bit weird. But I found it a very peaceful place. Sure, there is an element of sadness, but there's also beauty and a lot of love.

It is mostly very old graves, so I hope no one would mind me go there considering I have no one to 'visit', but there are a few newer ones. If he ever cried in the pram I wouldn't have taken him there and I took pains not to go near anyone visiting a grave.

Admittedly now he's older I haven't been in a while. He doesn't really nap now and he's rather noisier. He's at that age where he probably would ask about the gravestones. He's a bit young for it maybe, but at three I think I'd be okay with it.

I can understand you feeling initially a bit alarmed, OP, but cemeteries can actually be quite nice and peaceful and it sounds like they didn't come away upset from it at least.

I'm biased but I think it's lovely that children visit cemeteries and are allowed to ask about death and all it entails. What better opportunity to talk about the loved and lost?

It's just possible that if children are brought up not to be so horrified and disgusted by death then one day our society will get better at looking after bereaved people, instead of mostly avoiding the issue.

The questions children ask about death often feel wrong to us, but they're asking because they need to know. If you answer honestly and without elaborating you shouldn't go far wrong. I know it's hard, but if it makes you feel a bit itchy, spare a moment to think of the questions parents of dead siblings have to deal with. I could give lots of examples but I'm guessing most people don't want that level of detail.

My dniece told me all about death. She was 3.

She told me it's very very sad but not for the people who are in heaven because they can fly.

They are in the clouds, you can't see them but they can see you.

She's now 4 and talks about death occasionally but it doesn't upset her.

She said to her nanna the other day "it would be nice if grandad could come and see us wouldn't it." Her nanna thought it was a lovely thing to say. It meant she hasn't forgotten him.

When she asks about people who have died she always asks "are they in heaven? My grandad's in heaven. It's very nice there but it's a bit sad because you can't ever come back"

She's just completely matter of fact. She knows that mostly people die because when you are old if you get poorly it's sometimes to hard to get better. But she also knows that sometimes children die too.

She knows her daddy's sisters went to heaven when they were very little. She said to me that they couldn't help it, it wasn't their fault, it was an accident so no one was cross with them. Nanna was sad but they aren't. She said nanna is still sad sometimes but I just give her a love until she's better.

I think it's great, she understood it whilst she was young enough to take it on face value. I hope I can do the same with my ds. I want him to always know about death. I don't want it to be a horrible surprise if that makes any sense.

My love to everyone who grieves x

I think you are looking too much into it, death is a part of life and it sounds like it was approached in an age appropriate manner...

Where I grew up, there was a beautiful old cemetery. My mum used to push me around there in the pram when I was a baby, just because it was a peaceful and lovely place to walk. Why not?

I remember being taken when I was a bit older as well, for a wander around. We'd stop and look at the really old graves that were all overgrown because there was no one left to tend them or remember the person, which might sound a bit maudlin. And I remember seeing the little white crosses for little children who'd died back when infant mortality was common. But it honestly wasn't upsetting to me. It was just part of life. When grandparents died, we'd 'visit' them too.

My DC have grown up visiting their sisters graves often at anniversaries and christmas. Not done them any harm YABU.

I have explained death to my DD from a young age. Her GGF (DFs GF) had terminal cancer diagnosed when she was 2 and died a month after she was 3 they were incredibly close and I had to prepare her for the loss she would soon feel. We were all as a family, devastated by the loss of him but she was able to lean on us massively as she made the connection between our talks about death and the reality of it. She asked a lot of questions and almost 4 years later still talks about her Pop and visits Pops garden regularly.

It's not right to shield children and shock them with a loss they are totally unprepared for IMO

I'm not a bereaved mother but I understand and acknowledge that children do pass away on occasion and I include that in my talks with DD now too.

My own GF died on Christmas day last year and three headstones along is a large teddy bear shaped stone of a baby who died at birth DD often talks to the baby boy and tells him about her day.

She's not frightened by the fact that death occurs in life. It just does.

*DHs GF...

well, once upon a time i used to walk through a churchyard on my way to school. lots of green-glass chip filled spaces, old leaning stones and creepy Doctor Who style angels - i knew it was where people were buried, it wasn't scary, just a fact.

YWNBU if you wanted to approach this in your own way but i don't think the GM was being U either.

as i am also a bereaved mother my kids go to a churchyard quite often (am an atheist but i got my sons ashes under a tree in a Saxon graveyard which pleases my sense of history and love of natural stuff) and sometimes find things to say to their brother. it's hard for them talking to other kids aout it as they will know about Angels and heaven so that's a bit confusing, but then every family has to do what feels right to them. I have to cover this topic so can understand why you wouldn't want to, but if you handle it right it stops them getting silly scary notions (hopefully)

I often walk through our local cemetery with my children, it is a short cut to the shops and avoids a very steep hill.

As we walk through we talk about the graves, heaven etc, and how much the people in the graves were loved by their friends and families especially when we see all the new flowers.

I think that it helps my children to realise that death is a part of life and when a friend of the family died this month, I think that it helped them.

My youngest is also 3, but we have been doing this walk for years.

I used to be friends with a vicars daughter. Their house was actually inside the local graveyard. It's a beautiful old gothic place, so peaceful just to sit in, as kids we did alot of sitting there. Now I have DC's of my own we walk through it all the time, tidy up the family graves etc. the 2 eldest always go to the war graves there and make sure they are tidy too. If my parents or my IL's wanted to do the same I would have no objection to it, why would I? Imo they are the best places to learn about life and death.
My love to everyone on here who grieves xx

Have not read all the posts. My concerns would be a) I would like to be the first one to approach this subject with my children (but perhaps it didn't occur to her you hadn't?), and b) I would be concerned that some bereaved families might be offended by child being taken to cemetery for a nice day out (I wouldn't, love the idea of children being happy around a cemetery, but then I also love noisy children in a wedding and am aware others don't!) ;

It would feel more appropriate to me if they had been visiting a loved one's grave.

Just a thought, but you mentioned up thread that this was out of character for your mum, she normally goes to cermamics with your daughter etc.. I was just wondering how your mum's health is? Is it possible she has concerns about her own, or another family member's health and that inspired her to want to talk about it/the afterlife with her granddaughter? If she's worried about dying herself, maybe waiting for test results or something, it wouldn't be strange to be drawn to thinking about after she's gone, how your daughter would cope/what she might think about where granny has gone etc.

I could be completely wrong of course, but it was just something that occurred to me and I thought I'd mention it, I hope that isn't insensitive.

Fwiw, I'd be unhappy with anyone choosing to introduce the topic of death/the afterlife to my child without discussing it with me/my partner first. It's a tough subject to broach with a young child (thought it sounds like your mum did a good job) and handled badly can be very distressing and I also wouldn't be happy with the introduction of the idea of heaven (we're atheists). We regularly walk around cemeteries (live near a large one) and will be visiting my FiLs grave with our DS so we hope to just make it a part of life from the start, as many have said upthread, you never know when a sudden death or serious illness may be visited upon your family.. So I hope my comments aren't taken as anti graveyards, or insensitive to the bereaved. They truly aren't meant to be.

We overlook a small cemetery (backing on to it) - DS1 has been going there since he was 2 years old. It is a peaceful place, well tended, with parakeets, owls, and bees. DS1 and DS2 love it there.

I grew up opposite a cemetary and used to walk through it to and from secondary school. I've always found them calm, peaceful places. Respect for the grieving was hammered in to us, and we always stopped and bowed our heads if a funeral procession came past. I've walked my own DC's through them since they were babies, and they go to the cemetary where my FIL is buried when we visit MIL. I have no problem with death being discussed in an age appropriate way.

When I was little I loved walks in the cemetery it was so peaceful. It didnt worry me at all.

My dc come in with me all the time to tidy up my mums grave. The cemetery is right beside the school. I think it's better that they see death as a part of life

We took all of the DC's to the chapel of rest to see my dad before the funeral (youngest is 5) , DS1 said his goodbyes to his godfather an hour after he died. All of my DC's and my friends DD and Ds spent time sitting with DS1's godfather who was a close family friend and watching tv with him in the week before he died at home after a long illness. I refuse to make death a taboo subject.
OP YABVU.

I'd love if our family did this. Well my dad does, he takes my dc to visit my (very demented) grandma, and they call into the cemetery where Grandad is buried on the way home.

My mil is ridiculous. She still spells out D-e-a-d and D-i-e-d and d-e-a-t-h though my dc are 12, 10, 8!

Their daddy is a doctor (GP), we've had many instances when dad is sad because someone died (he provides home hospice to adult patients, so it's not unusual!).

My children know expat, they'd met aillidh who sadly died in the summer. Dd2 was the same age, she's got a whole bunch of stuff planned for when her headstone I'd up and we go to visit.

Death is a part of life. Everyone, no matter how young, should understand this.