Granny took toddler to the cemetery

[MrsMoosickle]

Eeek! I might perhaps be a tad unreasonable but I'm not best pleased.

3 year old DD has been at the local cemetery with Granny and has come home with tales of little babies in heaven and teddies on trees and wind chimes they can hear from heaven.

DH thinks that's ok, I feel a bit sad that she's even thought about it at such a tiny age.

I was being nice when I said that boo hoo. Seriously, the nastiness here...

There's the pot calling the kettle black.

MrsMoo thank you I appreciate that very much, I am sorry if I have been harsh, I should have thought my first post through more carefully and been less bitchy a bit nicer to state my view point, especially since your further posts have been so thoughtful, its hard to remember that not everyone had had to think like I do. I do apologise for that.

mrsmplus WTF are you on. Shame on you. You have been nothing but insensitive about a very sensitive topic.

expat I hope you are ok xx

at best it was patronising.

missy, you know us grieving mother. We're already seen the most upsetting thing a person can see in this world and still live, what's a few dimwitted ostritches?

We're on different topics. I'm not insensitive. You're all presuming and attacking. You've got me all wrong.

It's all gone a bit pear shaped, hasn't it OP!

I am so sorry for those who have experienced the loss of a child. I cannot begin to imagine your grief.

We have been very open with DD (3) about death as both DH's parents have passed away. We do believe in heaven, so we tell her that Nanny and Grandad's bodies stopped working properly, so they went to heaven to be with God.

Not sure how we would approach it if we weren't sure about heaven etc, but that's just how we've chosen to do it.

I can understand the OP being upset that her mum hadn't discussed her intention to introduce DD to the idea of death. I personally would at least have wanted a chance to think about how to answer the inevitable questions (although I understand that not everyone has that luxury when you're plunged into a family tragedy.)

Anyway, I don't believe children should be shielded from death. I think we're the only culture to do so.

presuming what? we are going by what you have posted and what you have posted is insensitive.

MrsM as someone who hasn't gone through what some of these posters have suffered, I am still offended by your attitude, and the wording of your posts. Can you honestly not see why they are insensitive?!

Mrsm, unspeakably insensitive, I can't belive you are for real actually.

Yes, yes mrsm you have been completely misunderstood, by everyone....

Thank you Missy, absolutely no apology needed, ever.

Oh and OP I found this story very helpful when expaining death to small children.

Thank you for that, missy.

Thank you so much for that story Missy, it's pitched perfectly.i can't believe you have taken the time to link that. Really lovey of you.

My MIL died suddenly when my DS had just turned 1, and my DD was coming at 4. Both my children regulary go to the cemetery, they too call it 'Nannys Garden'. They collect shells from the beach or pick something from the garden centre, and they enjoy going there. It brings comfort to their Great Nan to see them at her Daughters grave, so that MIL isn't forgotten to them.

I wish they didn't have to know the sadness of death but that is the card we have been dealt. I'm pleased they see us going to the cemetery every week; even though their DN has passed she is still part of our family. For her birthday last year we went up there with a picnic, flasks of tea and our memories, we were up there hours. I'm sure people think we're quite mad but really I don't care. It works for us.

I think your Mum should of said she'd be taking your DD so you could agree with how you'd like things explained but it's not something I would be cross/upset about.

My heart goes out to the posters who shared their story. Huge hugs x

As an atheist, the bit about heaven would bother me. Ds is six and we've talked extensively about death, he's been to a funeral. But I've never said we go to heaven or mentioned any idea about life after death. I've told him that some people believe that but I do not, and I just believe we are dead, and it's up to him to make his mind up when he's older.

Oh blimey, alot just went on whilst I typed that out :-(

MrsM? I think it's time you logged off this evening....

Its a really beautiful story (if you believe in God or some sort of afterlife). I'm glad to share it. I have the book thats filled with lovely pictures as well and the kids find great comfort in it.

expat, I'm so sorry about your daughter. PICU is a heartbreaking place to work at times and sadly, as the oncology patients are looked after so very well on the oncology wards, by the time litte ones with cancer or complications of cancer treatment come to us they are often the sickest little ones we care for.
Having spent a lot of time working in oncology in my training it is a huge interest of mine, and I really aim to keep the care of children with cancer and the complications of cancer treatment a priority in my role when I get a consultant post

mrsm - maybe just step away from the thread now.

The thing is, young children have no preconceived ideas about cemeteries and death in general. They're not scary places to them, and the idea of death - at least to a child who has had no direct experience of it (i.e. in the case of the OP's child) - won't necessary be frightening for them in a way that it often is for us.

It seems to be that a casual visit to a cemetery when a child is young, with no big deal being made about it, with the safety of a close family member is perhaps just the ticket as a way of slowly introducing the whole notion to a child in an almost intangible way.

Maybe if you try to see it like this, you can put quite a positive spin on it, and stop being mad at your Mum.

I'm so, so sorry for what some MNers have been through.

I think Somerset explains it well, as children we went to the cematry to take flowers to my great grandma. My first Experiance of death was my grandma dying when I was 5, I understood in a way as it had always been part of my life.

My dad died when I was 16 and ds1 was only a few months old, so he was also brought up with the knowledge that people die, however we didn't think to talk to him about children dying. It just didn't cross my mind. He's cousin died at the age of 7 when ds was 4 and it came as a shock to him that children sometimes die too.

Ds3 and 5 will grow up knowing that babies die, that's just the way it has to be. If they don't it would be like ds4 never existed.

Op I think it was probably a shock for you, at such a young age you probably hadn't even given introducing death to your dd much thought.

I'm not sure what I believe, were not religious. Both ds1&2 were told about heaven when they were little, ds1 is 17 now and doesn't believe. Ds2 is 9 and knows some people believe in god, some don't.

Ds is nearly 3, he enjoys taking flowers to my grandparents graves (I am exceptionally greatful that at this point this is his only experience of death) he often finds sticks or leaves to add to the flowers to give to them.

I don't see what anyone feels is gained by keeping death and things hidden from children. Surely it only means when something does happen to someone they know the whole thing is made even harder?