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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to make 'mummy friends'?

125 replies

LightTheGooTouchpaper · 05/11/2012 11:32

The thought of hanging around with other women talking about our DC bores me to death.

I went to baby groups. People talk about babies all the time [yawn].

I realise that after you establish a friendship, you are allowed to stop comparing your children and get on with talking about other stuff. However I feel like the friends I have made have been people who can't stand the playgroup chit chat, and I have bonded with them as kindred spirits.

I like MN because 90% of the threads I read are nothing to do with being a mum.

I think that the reason so many women 'lose themselves' after DC is because we are expected to congregate in groups based around little children. Can't we drag the children along to groups dedicated to something aimed at the grown up?

I want the starting point to be me, not my baby. The baby hasn't got a clue whats going on anyway.

OP posts:

MaureenLove · 05/11/2012 11:34

oh please dont call them that

it makes me vomit

Aboutlastnight · 05/11/2012 11:36

Many women manage to do both. We just sit around with small DC and the chat ranges from night feeds to school, to work, to politics etc

Pagwatch · 05/11/2012 11:36

Then don't.

They are not compulsory.

TooMuchCaffeine · 05/11/2012 11:37

I couldn't agree more. I can assure you that this continues even when the children get older. I started to wait in the car for my son during one of his activities, after overhearing a half-hour long conversation between two mums comparing their children's verrucae! FFS...... really?!

SamSmalaidh · 05/11/2012 11:46

No one is going to insist you do.

I made some great friends through my DS though.

Kewcumber · 05/11/2012 11:48

I think you're making the wrong "mummy friends". I don;t make friends based on whether they have children or not - that seems an odd way to go about it. On the other hand I make friends with people I meet and circumstances dictate that they are mostly (at the moment) parents.

I mostly discuss cats which I'm not sure you'd like any better.

Kewcumber · 05/11/2012 11:50

we are expected to congregate in groups based around little children

Really? No-one "expected" me to do anything (or much cared tbh) except keep DS fed and watered. What I chose to do other than that didn;t seem of any great interest to anyone except me.

mrsgboring · 05/11/2012 11:50

I'm sure you are just vastly much more intelligent than the "mummy friends" you keep meeting and that is your problem.

RubyFakeNails · 05/11/2012 11:51

YANBU although no one is going to force you.

I had no 'mummy friends' with my first 2 DC, I actively avoided anything of the sort. I did have a couple of friends who I had known since my teens who had children just before or after me but although we did sometimes talk about our kids it was never the main event.

I made one mummy friend later with DC3 but thats was because we clicked and both had no desire to constantly chat about children.

Don't dismiss people automatically as not everyone is desperate to talk about their kids, they might just be looking for someone like you to rescue them. But if you've got a good circle of friends then don't feel compelled to endure it, although I do think its good to have at least one friend who comes with someone for DC to play with.

MrsBungleScare · 05/11/2012 11:51

I made two really good friends at baby groups. It's just another avenue of meeting people.

'Mummy friends' is a cringy term.

It's great having kids the same age who are friends but our friendship is based on so much more than kids now.

mluddy · 05/11/2012 12:06

I think it's good to keep things going that don't involve dc - either hobbies or classes or friends prior to having dc.

But they get to an age where they want to socialise with other dc and do appropriate activities. Age 2/3 they aren't going to sit nicely whilst you do an adult only type activity.

Personally yes I loathed the playgroups and the soft play. But I knew nobody with dc the same age - everyone I knew was in another town at work all day. It gets a bit lonely going to the park with your little one every day on your own.

I think the conversation about babies is just really to break the ice, find some common ground until you get to know the person.

I found it very difficult to find any meaningful friendships at playgroups. But I do now have two very good friends and now our dc are at school it goes further than just having dc the same age. It's also really useful for settling your dc into nursery/school if they recognise others there. I find it invaluable that if I've got a problem with my dc at school, I have a friend I can ask about it because her dc are in the same school.

Each to their own, it's not essential to do these things. But for me I'd have been very lonely and isolated without them.

Aboutlastnight · 05/11/2012 12:10

Yes indeed, what is clever mummy supposed to do when she needs to discuss existential philosophy and string theory - it's all anyone talks about at work yeah right

treaclesoda · 05/11/2012 12:10

Its a bit of a sweeping generalisation, talking about 'mummy friends' as if they are one big group of women who can only talk about nappies or whatever.

If its a choice between making friends with someone who talks a lot about their children or someone who talks a lot about their job, I'd go with the children any time. Nothing more tedious than listening to someone else's office politics.

Having said all that, I have made friends with other women through my children, and we rarely discuss our children, why would we need to? We just chat about the usual stuff that friends chat about.

Chandon · 05/11/2012 12:11

I love my mummy friends, and they love me.

We help each other out, it's all good.

A bit too much talk about kids sometimes.

but I don't say "no" to nice people who want to be my friend, whether they're mums or not.

It makes half terms more fun!

Pancakeflipper · 05/11/2012 12:12

You sound to have an established social circle. Lucky you.
I was happy to go to toddler groups cos we had just moved area, I was on maternity leave with a DP who waswoes kingg away and I had no friends or family in a 40 mile vicinity. I would have gone bonkers not making friends. It wasn't about being a mummy friend but someone I like to spend time with. Kids not essential.

We still meet up to go for meals, gigs, cinema etc.

PosieParker · 05/11/2012 12:13

It depends if you're only friend because you have children of the same age, which rarely works as they grow anyway. Most of my 'Mummy friends' are shit parents with hideous children.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 05/11/2012 12:18

This is another of the ways in which MN differs from real life. In real life, most people understand the concept of small talk, whereas on MN there are a staggering number of posts which imply that posters on here really don't.

"AIBU to be pissed off because an old lady said "When are you due?. Does it matter? Why should I tell her? I am offended."
"AIBU to be pissed off that someone I never met asked me if my children are boys or girls?"

etc. This is another one.

The film "Little Children" springs to mind whenever i read these OP's.

ImperialFireworksInMyKnickers · 05/11/2012 12:19

mehh op. Some of the women (and men) I met at antenatal, mother and baby club, standing outside nursery waiting, then primary were really boring. Others were very interesting. Just like any other random group of 30 somethings really. Not bothering to try means you won't find out whether you could ever get on or not. Also means you won't build up the amazingly useful network of people you can ring to dump dcs on when (for example) your mum is admitted to hospital as an emergency.

And now that ddtwins are 13, I'm still good friends with about half a dozen of these people, even tho dds are not actually particular friends any more with some of their children.

RubyFakeNails · 05/11/2012 12:19

Richman I love that film!

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 05/11/2012 12:20

But this is a good parody, so nice work . Now go and do your homework.

SHRIIIEEEKPoolingBearBlood · 05/11/2012 12:21

Is someone suggesting you should?
Why not just look at it as making "friends" rather than pigeonholing people? I'm sure the people you're so dismissive of conssider themselves to be intelligent, educated and interesting too.

JudithOfThePiece · 05/11/2012 12:22

But if you've made friends who you've bonded with and like talking about the same things (not playground 'chit-chat') and they are mums, why are they not 'mummy friends'? I agree, it's an awful phrase, but disliking baby groups is not the same as not wanting to make friends with other mums. It sounds to me as if you are making friends with other mums - like most people, you find you connect more with some people than others - but what you really don't like is baby groups. Well, don't go. Yes, you're unlikely to meet friends you actually connect with if you're doing something you don't want to.

I've found that mums at my local toddler group may discuss their children when they first meet as it's obvious ice breaker, but that we very quickly move on to other topics that are more adult/ interesting/ stimulating etc. TBH, innane chit chat when you first meet people is often dull anyway - whether it's babies at a toddler group, what you do for a living or the weather.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 05/11/2012 12:22

Richman I love that film!

me too. Despite the fact that I always think I don't like Kate Winslett, I am basically in denial as I do like most of her films. Life of David Gale was another good one

anothercuppaplease · 05/11/2012 12:23

Nobody is forcing you to engage in conversations about babies and children. Start talking about the US elections and I'm sure someone will have an opinion. Some people will open the conversation asking you about your child but it's only an icebreaker and many would be very pleased to talk about something else.

I have met many very, very interesting people in my boring mummy groups. People in professions that I wouldn't necessarely have a chance to meet otherwise. An airplane pilot, a paediatrician (useful)!, a social worker, quite a few journalists (including a beauty editor for a large magazine), a writer, a couple of lawyers, and a translator who speaks 5 languages. We're not all mummy zombies, you know. Give us a try, you might be surprised...

BrandyAlexander · 05/11/2012 12:24

Lovely post.

I didn't make any "mummy" friends after dc1 and it felt a bit lonely because my pre-dc friends were leading such busy lives themselves either as singletons or busy parents themselves. We live in different home counties so getting together is a major feat. Since dc2, I have made 3 new friends, through our children so I guess are "mummy" friends as I saw them a lot while i was on mat leave and still see them now. They are people who we would be friends with anyway and I am fairly sure that only about 10% of our coversations are about the dcs. It's lovely and just nice to have some local friends who are at the stage of life as dh and I without it being a major haul around the M25 to go and see them. The perception of people who have "mummy" friends is so sneery on mumsnet. I genuinely don't see the point of the bitchiness.

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