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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to make 'mummy friends'?

125 replies

LightTheGooTouchpaper · 05/11/2012 11:32

The thought of hanging around with other women talking about our DC bores me to death.

I went to baby groups. People talk about babies all the time [yawn].

I realise that after you establish a friendship, you are allowed to stop comparing your children and get on with talking about other stuff. However I feel like the friends I have made have been people who can't stand the playgroup chit chat, and I have bonded with them as kindred spirits.

I like MN because 90% of the threads I read are nothing to do with being a mum.

I think that the reason so many women 'lose themselves' after DC is because we are expected to congregate in groups based around little children. Can't we drag the children along to groups dedicated to something aimed at the grown up?

I want the starting point to be me, not my baby. The baby hasn't got a clue whats going on anyway.

OP posts:

Pinot · 05/11/2012 16:09

YY twee is the right word, usual.

Regularly on MN there are threads from posters feeling lonely, isolated and without RL friends - these baby groups/toddler groups etc are often cited as a first step for friendship.

It's a tad offensive to be so derogatory about them, IMO.

Not everyone finds themselves beating off RL friends with a stick... be careful what you wish for, OP. If you "want to be alone" a lá Greta Garbo, you may well find yourself lonely one day. Whilst the "mummy friends" are off having fun together.

Just a thought :)

googleberry · 05/11/2012 16:11

Yawn!

usualsuspect3 · 05/11/2012 16:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PickledFanjoCat · 05/11/2012 16:14

I went to a few groups and that op but i probably wouldn't have made friends with you based on the op as you sound a bit horrible!

People go to groups in the days to not feel isolated and get out and about.

You suggesting taking babies down pub or shopping or something?

Jusfloatingby · 05/11/2012 16:16

I haven't read all of the thread but can I just say that terms like 'mummy friends' and 'mum chums' should be banned by law.

Mrsjay · 05/11/2012 16:16

the only thing you really have in common with other mothers is you had sex in the same year making friends is nice but dont make friends cos you think you should mix with other mothers

Mrsjay · 05/11/2012 16:18

Fwiw friends come and go especially if you have children the same age you keep some you lose some I have lost some and kept some in my 19ish years of being a parent,

Ragwort · 05/11/2012 16:22

Well said Pinot - the theme of women on mumsnet who describe themselves as lonely and isolated is sadly, very, very common on Mumsnet (and I've been here over 11 years ) - fine if you already have a large crowd of interesting friends but for the majority of us going to a baby/toddler group is just a great way to get out of the house and start making friendships.

You regularly read about the problems in modern society where people are isolated - just make sure you don't become one of them .

pictish · 05/11/2012 16:28

I am assuming your dc is a baby OP. Fwiw, I never 'lost' myself after having children by attending child orientated events and groups. I'm really not as feeble minded as you seem to think everyone outside of you and your elite group of kindered spirits are. I can do all that stuff and keep my sense of self - hard to believe, I know, but it's true!

And no - I have no desire to take my kids to grown up events. What a pain in the arse for me, as well as everyone else in attendence. Next suggestion?!

You'll learn.

Procrasstinator · 05/11/2012 16:37

I am just wondering at the diversity of parents that I have met since having dcs, and feel a bit mystified as to how OP can dismiss them in one sweeping statement as 'mummy friends'

Procrasstinator · 05/11/2012 16:44

And I am thinking maybe there might be a but of projection or summary going on? OP are toy ok? Are you feeling 'bored' by motherhood/they routine etc? A bit isolated? It can be soul destroying if you feel you have lost yourself and can't relate to people around you

nightowlmostly · 05/11/2012 17:12

I'd recently moved to a new area when my DS was born, so the baby group for new mums at our local children's centre was a fab way to meet people. Yes, I get a bit bored of the same conversations about weaning and poo, but I think that as we all get to know each other better there will be more talk of other things too. I would have gone stir crazy stuck at home alone, it's hard enough even with a couple of things on in the week.

Maybe don't judge so much, what makes you think you're the only one clever enough to be bored of the same chit chat? Start talking about something else, I guarantee you at least a couple of people are dying to talk about politics or tabloid fodder or whatever else.

Echocave · 05/11/2012 17:21

I love my mummy friends as they are becoming about more than just babies but as someone with no Mum, aunties or sisters with babies, I'm SO grateful for their support and advice. So YABU in my humble opinion.

thebody · 05/11/2012 17:28

Don't worry op, don't think any ' mummy friends' ( vomit) will be beating down your door any time soon.

You sound a tad smug and superior.

EdgarAllanPond · 05/11/2012 17:34

Yanbu to to do what the hell you want with your own time

YABU to put it such sexist terms.

women you meet through baby groups etc can be the best mates you'll ever make. or not. you never know until you try.

To imply (rather strongly) that all women do is witter about boring irrelevant shite is very Misogynist.

Lavenderhoney · 05/11/2012 17:44

Mintyy, You made me lol:)

Op, it's not all about you. It's nice for your baby to see other babies on a regular basis and watch other children, start to recognise other children and mums, and look forward to playing with these children as they grow and develop. Your child will have an opportunity to go someone's house for tea, meet at the park, share bread to throw to ducks etc.

Baby groups are nice. I made lovely friends and we only talked about babies when advice was needed. But if someone was a bit off and superior, i certainly didnt enlarge the conversation as at any social event.

you should try different groups to find ones you like, and if you do meet a mum somewhere with a baby the same age as yours, and you like her, ask her where she goes. And don't moan about other mums, they could be really shy and talking about dc helps them relax.

gordyslovesheep · 05/11/2012 17:47

I love the friends I made through my kids - we go camping in a big gang and have a riot - we talk about anything and everything - I have never once 'compared' our children

yabu and limiting the possibility for some really good, supportive mates

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 05/11/2012 19:00

When we moved to Scotland all of the dses were too old for any of of the ways that I could easily meet other parents - they didn't need walking to,school, and didn't need me to facilitate friendships (inviting other children round was often a good way to meet their mums), and I found myself very isolated, and it took me ages to make friendships, and even longer to make the sort of strong, close, supportive friends that I'd made through what i could call mummy groups.

exoticfruits · 05/11/2012 19:08

I hope that you realise that they think exactly the same about you! It is a horrible term. People discuss DCs because it is the one thing they have in common. There is no need to stick with it-you can talk about other things and they will probably be only too pleased.

LaCiccolina · 05/11/2012 19:22

Must b nice to be so self centred from ur high pedestal that u can look down on us peasants and proclaim urself so much better, educated, wealthy or any other better verb that plainly has under the dictionary definition, ur name.

The rest of us muddle along. We try to get on with various people of all backgrounds to chat with, pass time, play with, compare notes when worried, moan about politics/family etc.

It didn't even occur to u did it that perhaps those at the group(s) u attended we're glad u didn't come back after sneering at everyone. Just coz u don't say it doesn't mean it can't b seen.

Pompous cow.

BigBoobiedBertha · 05/11/2012 19:24

It really irritates me when people attack baby groups because people only ever talk about their children. That has never been the case with any group I have been to. Of course children are one topic of discussion but never the only one. They are what you make them.

If you don't like talking about children, change the subject. Stop being so wet and thinking that it is the only topic that anybody wants to talk about because I assure you it isn't. I am sure that the people at the groups are very much like you, me and the majority of other mothers and are quite happy to talk about all sorts things but if nobody makes any effort that won't happne. You may not get on with everybody but there will be some one there who shares your interests but you won't find them if you sit there all superior and think that nobody else has a brain except you and that they can't converse on more than one topic.

Yes you could go to other groups to find friends for you that have nothing to do with children, but if you have a child in tow, few groups are more accommodating of a small child than mother and child groups and that really is worth something.

exoticfruits · 05/11/2012 19:31

It irritates me to death too- as if the person who writes it is so different. For goodness sake start a conversation about something else!
They are people just like you!
It is also a sure way to make sure that your DCs are sociable-they do as you do and not as you say. If you are standoffish and won't make friends-most likely they will have the same problem. Be friendly with all-once you get under the surface you will find interesting people-but not if you are too boring yourself to look or make an effort!

amillionyears · 05/11/2012 19:52

"I want the starting point to be me, not the baby".
You are going to have to minimize where you take your baby in that case.

SirBoobAlot · 05/11/2012 20:07

You're meeting the wrong mummy friends.

I met my closest mum friend when we were both sat in a cafe. Her DS was a few months younger than mine, and it was one of the first times she had gone out when her little one. She was asking her friend where the nearest baby change was, neither of them knew, I heard them and told them. Then a few minutes later they were trying to work out something else, so again I told them. I then apologised for joining in their conversation, to which my now dearest friend laughed and pushed out a chair at their table. Our boys are nearly three now, and I am so glad I sat down in that cafe in that day!

I haven't maintained any friendships from baby groups, though have seen fantastic friendships formed in the breastfeeding groups I run :)

EdgarAllanPond · 05/11/2012 20:17

"
I want the starting point to be me, not my baby."

usually making personal remarks about casual acquaintances doesn't go down well.

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