Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think there should be no such thing as a SAHM

649 replies

TalkinPeace2 · 04/11/2012 18:09

they might be an ex investment banker
or a part time nurse
or a part time teacher
or an active volunteer in the community
BUT
in these days where most women are educated at least to 18, very few did not work before kids
and very few will not work when their kids are older
so actually should define themselves by their personal achievements - currently undertaking a prolonged break
rather than some sort of domestic - which is what SAHM implies to me.

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 08/11/2012 20:45

'so actually should define themselves by their personal achievements'

OP my ds and how I raise him is actually a personal achievement. How he turns out is very personal to me and dh, and we spend a lot of time with him, more than we could if we both worked full time outside the home. I don't imagine lying on my death bed wishing I'd spent more time at the office. In fact, I know I won't. I was close to death a while back and can assure you, work was the furthest thing from my mind. Ds was all I saw.

scottishmummy · 08/11/2012 21:32

well if I'm about to croak it will think of
family,friends,work,did I finish that report
I'll be well chuffed to recall my work and personal and academic achievements

autumnlights12 · 08/11/2012 21:34

Yes Scottish, cos you're one of the elusive 1%.

amillionyears · 08/11/2012 21:39

Can I ask sm, are they very important to you because your family didnt think you could achieve them, or because they havent got any?

Yellowtip · 08/11/2012 23:00

I've very, very nearly died (did all the going up a tunnel into bright light stuff) and I thought absolutely only in those few seconds of the people I loved.

amazingmumof6 · 08/11/2012 23:01

I love the earlier bits about "what do you do? I used to work in a bank/in a shop/in the stock market/in a hospital."

what do I do? should I say I used to be pregnant?! doesn't mean I see myself s a pregnant woman now! despite belly still bigger than should be (youngest is 6 mths )

I hate it when people ask what I do, especially the question " so do you work?"
With 6 kids you bet I do! just don't get paid for it!
"And what does you husband do?" - that one makes my blood curl. I found out it tends to mask the question does he work or do we live on benefits - how shameful! he works really hard actually, thank you very much and does a bloody good job looking after all of us in every way imaginable!

I love being at home with the kids.
Despite the difficulties of raising my wild bunch I wouldn't have it any other way, and I'd have 6 more if I could! I got my degree when I was 23, had various jobs, none of which defined me and I might work part time in the distant future, haven't decided yet. Or get my business going, which is currently more like a hobby, nothing serious. Or get another degree.

I feel really lucky and smug that I don't have to go to work. I don't have to worry about bosses and colleagues and meetings and gossip and all that crap.
I can go to the assemblies, and bake cakes and I never miss an important & precious moment for the sake of anyone. I can have a nap if I want to. or curl up on the sofa after school and watch films and have pyjama days in the half term.
I don't mind being up all night with a teething baby, and do the chores, however boring. or nagging them to do homework or driving them round to clubs and music lessons. It's hard work and I do feel a bit isolated at times, and the house is a bit of a mess, but it's also easy, coz I want to be with them. It makes me so happy!

The only thing I hate is the school run in the morning. so stressful

blueshoes · 08/11/2012 23:07

That 1% statistic sounds really dodgy.

I bet if you asked men if they wanted to work ft after children (if they had the realistic choice of not working ft), they would bite your hand off too to not work ft.

Yellowtip · 08/11/2012 23:08

Yes, going back to the op, I would find referring to myself as an ex-whatever very defensive indeed. Mind you I'm not sure I'd ever refer to myself as 'amazingmumof8' (if only because in my case the amazing bit would be a misnomer).

blueshoes · 08/11/2012 23:09

'I don't imagine lying on my death bed wishing I'd spent more time at the office.'

This is such a pathetic cliche.

On my deathbed, I doubt if I will have any regrets of the sort. If I had regrets, I would make changes now and not wait till my deathbed. Sheesh.

Yellowtip · 08/11/2012 23:12

blueshoes maybe get on an untimely deathbed before pontificating. Sheesh.

blueshoes · 08/11/2012 23:14

I'll be off the hook then. Woohoo!

amazingmumof6 · 08/11/2012 23:16

yellowtip - it's coz everyone keeps telling me oh you have 6 kids how amazing , blah blah blah. it's an inside joke, lighten up

amazingmumof6 · 08/11/2012 23:20

maybe you should call yourself supermumof8 - what does yellowtip stands for?

Yellowtip · 08/11/2012 23:24

Yellowtip is apparently a disease of the cannabis plant. I didn't think too deeply about a username mind you. I suppose i do get quite a lot of the 'eight kids how amazing' etc but it's not really, is it? It's just nature before contraceptives.

amazingmumof6 · 08/11/2012 23:37

yellowtip you are funny! and I think we should both look up to my sister-in-law she has 9 kids Grin or her sister's mother-in-law who has 13! or a guy my father-in-law met in Kenya who has 53 kids! seriously - I know he never gave birth and there are a bunch women involved, but bloody hell!

Anyway, a friend of mine tried for 10 years to conceive and only after 2 rounds of IVF did they manage to have a baby girl. then she got pregnant twice, lost both babies. I do look up to her, a lot.

do you have boys/girls?

we had 5 boys then a girl. I'd love more, hubby had enough

Yellowtip · 08/11/2012 23:45

Absolutely not 6. 53 x two minutes of the Kenyan bloke's time is still less than two hours.

And I don't see the need to look up to or down on anyone, at least not without very, very good reason or provocation. Very bad luck about your friend but I'd nevertheless feel that sympathy was the appropriate emotion.

I happen to have four of each, living.

MordionAgenos · 09/11/2012 00:01

I've had the last rites twice and both times I was so sick and just awful feeling all I could think about was wanting the priest to bog off so I could just die. Or at least close my eyes and sleep. I probably came closer to death in a serious car crash though, and in that moment I was just thinking unfocussed swear wordy things. And then when I came round it was all aout getting myself and my sister and my dad out of the car before it blew up (it didn't blow up but that was my fear). I didn't think about anything else at all. And nor did I notice that my arm was practically hanging off and a great big shard of bone was poking out.

But I wasn't a mother, nor was I a career woman at that point (I was a student). When I had child 3 it all went very ER in the operating theatre and all I could think about was her. I certainly didn't think about work. But that doesn't mean that my career has been unimportant either to me or in absolute terms.

perfumedlife · 09/11/2012 00:04

blueshoes I'm unclear of the point you were making. I said I don't imagine having regrets, you said you wouldn't either, what's the sheesh all about? What you call pathetic cliche, I call hard experience.

Your reaction almost looks like a nerve was touched.

amazingmumof6 · 09/11/2012 00:34

Oh dear, yellowtip you keep misunderstanding me - it was a joke, coz some people give me this weird attitude that the more kids you have the better you are, which of course is not true! they think it's some sort of stupid race.I thought you may have noticed it.....never mind

I look up to my friend for trying hard and not giving up and to go through so much just to be able to have one baby!
Although I had one miscarriage I always got pregnant very easily, so I have no idea what it is like to struggle to conceive. I admire her strength to keep going, I don't know if I had been able to do that. That's not sympathy, last time I checked! I do feel sorry for babies lost though, that's sympathy. Happy?

blueshoes · 09/11/2012 08:33

perfumedlife, you'd wish my nerves were touched. It is more like yawn, could you be more original than that?

Trills · 09/11/2012 08:54

What % of people (not just women) would want to work full time if they would not suffer any drop in living standards?

I have no children and I'd love to work 3 days a week if it wasn't for the fact that
1 - I'd get 3/5 of the money
2 - my employers would think I was insane
3 - I probably wouldn't be able to do my job in 3 days a week, so I'd have to do a less interesting job (or give up parts of my job to another person, when one of the things I like is the variety)

wordfactory · 09/11/2012 09:25

Why in God's name do people say 'oh I touched a nerve' when people disagree?

Do they really assume that everything they utter is so true that no one could, you know, just think summat different?

And I'm sorry but that line about the office is a cliche and not a good one at that.

Loads of people (particularly women) regret not having pursued a career. Or done more with their life in other ways. And well in advance of dying! They wish they'd studied harder at school. Or taken an opportunity. Or achieved a particular goal.

You may be happy that your DC are your perosnal achievement but many don't feel like that. Many want more. I want to raise great kids and....and...and...Probably greedy but hey ho.

wordfactory · 09/11/2012 09:31

I also wonder when people make derogatory comments about people's jobs as just 'just time spent in the office' if they feel like that about all those working parents who change lives every day?

Do they sniff at a fire fighter? Or look down on a surgeon? Do they think a social worker is wasting their time?

I bet these same people want a great dentist to fix their kids teeth. They want their pilot to be doing the best job he/she can. They want that writer to finish a sequel soon cos they really liked the last one.

And on their death bed, when their thoughts are on their precious moments they'll want a nurse (probably a working parent) to help their passing with the commitment and kindness of someone who thinks their job is worth doing. Not someone who just views it as another day in the office!

Yellowtip · 09/11/2012 09:43

Yes word that nurse thing would be nice. Unfortunately what I got was a female US army shrieking that she couldn't hook the blood up on the thingy and that I was going to die and it would all be her fault. She did probably save my life however because that shrieking penetrated the bright light tunnel, so I'm grateful in a way.

When I say I thought of people I loved I principally mean the two existing DDs and that I'd like more time with them please (one was only ten days old). And as I floated off I definitely did think goodness I should really have done much much more with my life. That's pretty pathetic, the sum total of what I've done. And that was the point at which Sgt. Whatsherface cracked up, so I didn't have time to get too maudlin.

Yellowtip · 09/11/2012 09:44

female US army sergeant (not all the women in the US army, it was quite a small room).