To expect DH not to work weekends? Really need perspectives please?

[owlelf]

DH and u have been together 8 years. Two DC 5&6.

I am the main breadwinner. I have managed to work 4 days a week, one of which is at home. For me this works as I get to see DC and work as well. My job is difficult but it is something that keeps us going financially and for that I am very grateful.

DP is trying to make it in a particular job (I daren't be specific as I don't want any RL friends/ family to recognise me). Trying to make it involves a lot of practise. Around his practise he has always done some paid work in his field. This is minimum wage work. He was very lucky to get sponsorship 2 years ago, this meant he could practise full time giving him a much greater chance of success.

Unfortunately he hadn't had the success we hoped, so now needs to start supplementing things with paid work again.

He plans to take on 3 days of work so that he can continue to practise. This will probably bring in about 25% of our outgoings. The rest will be paid for by me (just).

I'm upset that one of the 3 days work will be a Saturday, until 7pm. This is his choice as it means his week days are free to practise and compete.

I should also say that I do most if the housework and childcare as he is out of the house more than me.

I am beginning to feel a bit resentful that I have to work so hard to keep us going financially. However, he was in this profession when we met and so I did sign up for this IYSWIM.

I wanted him to choose hours that meant we could spend some Saturdays together as a family. I'm furious that he's decided to work Saturdays.

I guess this feels like the straw that could break the camels back. I work hard, I support us all- an I unreasonable to expect my DH to show his gratitude for this by being around at weekends?

By the way, you are SO not being unreasonable. I would have been fed up six years ago if I were you. Golf, FFS.

He doesn't seem to agree that I support him
That's astonishing, and worrying, given you are main breadwinner, doing the housework and the childcare. There seems to be no balance here-the dreams are his, the drudgery is yours, with lashings of emotional blackmail (has he accused you of lacking faith in him at all?) to keep you in your place.

It is incredibly unfair that you may have to be the one to apply the reality check, and be accused of not supporting him etc, but it seems your husband is rather reality-avoidant. I suspect this is not just because your husband is denying his actual prospects of succeeding (can't be that good after 8 years) but also because he does not want to give up a status quo that allows him to be completely self-indulgent for a more equitable state of affairs.

I am the main wage earner, and my DH has his dreams. Even after the children are at school, I will be supporting him while he establishes himself. The difference is, he more than pulls his weight with the house and children, and we can talk honestly about his chances and how long we will give it etc.

Almost the worst thing about your situation is that it seems a topic not to be broached at all, and the burden the situation places on you is completely unacknowledged. Is your husband grateful to you, or just resentful? If the former, you've got a basis for discussing it. If the latter, the relationship has a real problem but you've got nothing to lose by insisting on change.

"DH, can I tell you something? I am struggling in our marriage at the moment. I love you and our children deeply, and I am grateful to have you in my life. But at the moment I feel like the support I give you is going unappreciated. I also feel that the balance of family responsibility is unfairly resting on my shoulders. Can I ask for something from you? I would like to ask you to say thank you to me - in any way you want - for my contribution to this family. I would also like you to think about how you might be able to contribute to the jobs we have around the house. Could we talk about this once the kids are in bed tonight? I love you, from, the OP"

Good to see you back OP.

I think there are two issues; the realism of his career plan and back up and, his failure to acknowledge your role with the family. His defensiveness about the former is understandable though not tenable but the latter is just not on and makes me feel quite cross and sad for you.

This must be wrapped up in the idea that it is support for him, so his defensiveness, based on fear, about his vocation. The only way it would make sense though, is if he was a single man supporting himself and you are looking after the family. He cannot have failed to notice that you do most of the childcare and housework! Does he come from a very traditional family, think this is normal and has failed to compute that, unlike a housewife, you also work?

I do see that he needs self-belief and that a degree of self-delusion about his potential is probably not unusual. He knows the odds of anyone at his level succeeding though. The need for him to recognise his own limits is so important. That's why you need tactics. It is so easy for us to say that he's being very childish and should grow up but how you achieve that is the tricky bit. Do his coaches ever offer him a realistic assessment, or you? Could you ask anyone he respects for a truthful opinion, or to help draw up a plan?

I agree a letter could be a good way forward. I've used that with DP on other issues and was amazed that he suddenly got some things I'd been saying for ages, just because they were in writing and he had time to read reflectively. In person, he goes straight into defensive mode so doesn't really listen, he's just lining up his next rebuttal and sees the outcome in terms of 'win / lose / get away with it' not learning or understanding or caring about my feelings.

I think I understand the lack of appreciation. The psychology of it, I mean. I spent a lot of time trying to work it out, when my own relationships with Idealistic Ex was falling apart...

I think it goes like this: if he appreciates you, that means you are doing more than he is. If you are doing more than he is, then (a) he isn't doing what he should be doing, and (b) his 'dream' isn't worth as much as he wants it to be worth. Both of those thoughts make him feel bad. If he doesn't appreciate you, he can fool himself into thinking (a) he is contributing what he should, and (b) his 'dream' is worth everything.

He knows this way of thinking is all unfair and deluded, which is why he gets cross and defensive. He just isn't ready to act on that knowledge and make changes.

At least, that ^^ is how it was with my Ex...

For me, the 'deal breaker' was that my Ex went on and on like this - knowing it was unfair, but still not acting to make changes... Maybe your DH can do better... >crosses fingers< :)

I think you are both being a little unreasonable tbh, and I say that as someone whose husband often works 7 days per week (I also work f/t in a long hours culture), which drives me crazy when it eats into our family time at weekends.

What's the alternative here? It sounds as though your want your DH to work so he can contribute financially and take some of the pressure off you, but you aren't happy with the days he's chosen to work. Is work available for him during the week instead of the weekend? Can he make sure he isn't working on the day you have off during the week so you effectively "shift" your weekend? What about if he worked 2 days instead of three? Would you then be unhappy because he still isn't bringing in much money?

The key is to find a balance you are both happy with. I'm not sure that trying to make him give up on his dream in circumstances where he is being encouraged by his coach that he can make it is likely to be beneficial to your relationship so I would certainly tread carefully there.

Well I reckon YANBU and this would piss me off as well.

I have a vfery low opinion of golf (if it is golf) and golfers, jumped up not very fit men who are usually incredibly sexist often quite snobby but in a wearing gold chains kind of way IF it is golf.

So get him into a money making bit of it then - he can sell equipment, never mind hi9t the stupif little balls around whilst feeling important.

Trouble is you married an impoverished loser with no prospects on the bsais you would keep him for as long as you both shall live - you knew the deal. All you can do now is say yes he can work on Saturdays but he needs ot hire and pay for childcare for that day and he needs to spend Sunday morning looking after the children alone and the afternoon cleaning whilst you go out.

Two things.
I should bear in mind that your DHs coach may well have a vested interest in saying your DH still has potential, if he is getting paid. Thats me maybe being cynical.

Also, you are reluctant to approach your DH about this. And you are going to take a bit of time looking at this thread and thinking about it all.
I recommend that you order or borrow a book called "Why Women Talk And Men walk". It should help you in ways to approach the subject with him.

Can someone please say they read a similar thread to this a little while ago. ( not that it's anything wrong with reposting)

sorry just seen the OP his thread was posted

Don't be guilt tripped by his 'it all comes down to money' line. The truth is when holding together a family it all comes down to money, childcare and meeting those and all your other responsibilities as parents in team. And you don't even need to quantify it in terms of cash, you spend more time working for money, you happen to bring in more money per hour, AND you spend more time on childcare and domestic chores.

His choosing to work at weekends means you get to do even more childcare. Surely most people working professionally in anything that you also compete in make it before 8 years non stop practise and before their 30s? Most Olympic standard athletes manage their first championship successes as amateurs, holding down a full time job!

I don't know the best way to approach this with him. Maybe you could get him to see that being a good dad and husband is a sign of success and he will be in danger of jeopardising that if he doesn't pull his weight soon. Maybe you could set a deadline, agree to support him 100% for 6 more months and after that you will be expecting him to contribute more. Or give him a deadline and tell him after that it is your turn to undertake some personal development, go back to uni or whatever. I'm not saying actually jack in your job and do that, but it might make him think.

Also, just because he was doing this when you met doesn't give him a passport for life to carry on once you have children to support.

Of course his coach takes that approach , he doesn't have to pay your DH's mortgage every month, and he presumably benefits from being paid with your hard earned cash!!!

It is certainly something to talk about before getting together. We did. We knew I would earn more and agreed if nannies did not work out their father would stay at home and look after them and that would have been fine (but nannies did work out). Also people change over decades together but here he seems to think hke's going to be good. If he wants to practise cannot he just get some sort of device for the living room once he's done the irongin and been out at a proper job or on the phone all day selling golf equipment or whatever?

What happened here op?!

I can see why it would be annoying but YABU. My DH works most weekends and difficult shifts/middle of night/Xmas day etc. I've just got used to it. As long as you value the days you do have together it will be fine.

I don't think either one of you is being unreasonable.

From his POV, if this is something really important to him, I can understand why he would want to follow his dreams, and I would expect a loving relationship to be supportive of that.

From your POV, he's already had more than two years to make that happen by devoting all his effort into it and leaving you to carry all the financial responsibility and now he expects more at a time you're really feeling the burden.

This all comes down to what you both consider a reasonable timescale and is skewed by the fact you have DC. Ultimately, they come first and if the pressure on you is too much, then he has to forego his dreams in order to meet the responsibility he has towards his DCs.

One thing that sticks out to me is that ont only are you the breadwinner, but you're also doing ore than your 50% of the domestic stuff. That's not fair. It's only ok to expect your partner to support you pursuing your dreams if the act of doing so doesn't half kill them in the process. If his success isn't forthcoming soon, I'm pretty sure you'll start to feel that he's been living his dream at your expense and you'll start to feel very, very resentful.

Supporting our loved-ones dreams should be a two-way street, so that the favour is returned one day. Has he supported you in any of your ambitions, or does he intend to at any point in the future?