To expect DH not to work weekends? Really need perspectives please?

[owlelf]

DH and u have been together 8 years. Two DC 5&6.

I am the main breadwinner. I have managed to work 4 days a week, one of which is at home. For me this works as I get to see DC and work as well. My job is difficult but it is something that keeps us going financially and for that I am very grateful.

DP is trying to make it in a particular job (I daren't be specific as I don't want any RL friends/ family to recognise me). Trying to make it involves a lot of practise. Around his practise he has always done some paid work in his field. This is minimum wage work. He was very lucky to get sponsorship 2 years ago, this meant he could practise full time giving him a much greater chance of success.

Unfortunately he hadn't had the success we hoped, so now needs to start supplementing things with paid work again.

He plans to take on 3 days of work so that he can continue to practise. This will probably bring in about 25% of our outgoings. The rest will be paid for by me (just).

I'm upset that one of the 3 days work will be a Saturday, until 7pm. This is his choice as it means his week days are free to practise and compete.

I should also say that I do most if the housework and childcare as he is out of the house more than me.

I am beginning to feel a bit resentful that I have to work so hard to keep us going financially. However, he was in this profession when we met and so I did sign up for this IYSWIM.

I wanted him to choose hours that meant we could spend some Saturdays together as a family. I'm furious that he's decided to work Saturdays.

I guess this feels like the straw that could break the camels back. I work hard, I support us all- an I unreasonable to expect my DH to show his gratitude for this by being around at weekends?

ophelia I think I am going to need to name change!

Saturday work is is his choice. So he has more weekdays free to practice and compete.

So you don't mind being the main earner of doing the housework but this is really bothering you?
Personally the housework would piss me off more. I just don't get why all weekend is throwing you off the deep end and why he has to do this to show he is grateful.

So its a hobby and a chance to better himself? Do you have hobbies? Go on training with work? Stay late to get stuff done? It does read to me like because you are the earner you resent him doing anything for himself which might take time away from the family. But he has as much right as anyone to do things for himself.

Eight years is a very long time to be chasing a dream! I can understand why you'd be feeling this way, especially if it's not a hobby that brings in a little cash to tide things over iyswim? It is not fair on him to have you doing most of the childcare and housework when you work full time too.

Yes that's what I was getting at, its reading like he should be grateful that you keep the family in money and therefore give up anything he wants to do for himself.

The problem is that if up do make him give up him dream, can your relationship survive that? He won't be the person you married and he may resent you for making him give up.

You could end up having weekends together but with a miserable Dp.
Is it really so different to any relationship where people have hobbies that take them away from their families on weekends?

if it is pro golfing many don't become professional until they are older.

How realistic is it for him to find paid work in his chosen field? I wouln't want to fund what is effectively a hobby indefenitely. It didn't happen whilst he could persue it fulltime and presumabably it will be harder now he's having to work as well.

I think I would be looking to agree a timescale whereby if he can't generate an income within say another year he needs to start thinking of something else to do.

YABU for being resentful for being main breadwinner. I am main breadwinner and I simply see us as a team that brings different things to the table.

YANBU if you think he is, as others have said, chasing a pipe dream. If that really is the case he needs to grow up and drag himself into the real world.

YABU for not wanting him to work on Saturdays if this is genuinely a way to get his career going - YANBU if it's a long-term, fruitless exercise.

YABU about the working weekends. However, he needs to start pulling his weight wrt childcare and housework, how he fits it in is his problem not yours.

What if he does make it op? Assume hell be away a fair bit. What then? Will that be ok as hell be bringing in money? What if he becomes main earner and then tries to put a block on something you want to do? These are questions I'd be asking myself in your position to try and explore why I felt the way I did.

I think YABabitU but I think he is too...how long does this continue. I think you need to agree together a timescale including some kind of measures that he is getting there. Otherwise this could go on for years and fairly or not you could end up resending him and his hobby (because if it really is not going to ever happen professionally it is just a hobby). So maybe agree a timescale.
And agree a different division of housework. Totally a must. You can support him in his dream but you should not have to become a slave to do so.

So you earn the money, you do the housework, you care for the children and he tries (and so far fails) to succeed at his "dream"?

What's in it for you?

You are currently supporting a young family AND his dream whilst having nothing but drudgery for yourself.

What's your dream?

What's the time limit on him coming first?

What's the backup plan for when if he doesn't make it?

I think you're getting a hard time here OP. As I read it you are working as well as doing all the housework and chilcare in order that he can pursue a hobby instead of contribute financially or practically to the family.

By choosing to work on a Saturday he is choosing that his week will constitute 3 days for work, 3 days for a hobby and 1 day for his family. I think that would be unacceptable to a lot of people.

Your DH needs to pull his weight with housework etc. but regarding his working on a Saturday, then just enjoy his absence! My DH works shifts and is working today - won't be home til 8pm. My 2 dds just get on and enjoy the day. Means we can be lazy without dh organising us and we can do what we want. It is not all bad! But you don't want to spend your w/e doing housework - tell dh if he only works 3 days then he needs to do some of it.

I think that the working on a Saturday is not a get out clause for not pulling his weight in the week. What child care do you have in the week? He could be looking after the dc one a day you are at work (which might ease some financial strain if you are paying for childcare). Choosing the Saturday so he can do training in the week does not mean he gets out of his responsibilities for the children and housework in the week IMO. I can completely understand your frustration here- yanbu!

YABU!

YANBU if this hobby isn't realistically going to turn into paid work. FIL has a hobby like that. He has spent more time and money on it than I care to think about, at the expense of his family home, his marriage and his DCs' education (moving all the time so they have about 3 GCSEs between them). He's approaching retirement age with no savings or assets and still trying to make it in a field where he hasn't got a chance. He's been told so by many successful pros but apparently they just don't understand him.

There needs to come a point at which enough is enough.

Has his sponsorship now ended? if that is the case, then someone somewhere who really knows what they are talking about has decided that the odds of your DH making it really aren't that great. It may be hurtful to him, but that doesn't alter the facts.
Just because you supported him 8 years ago doesn't mean you have to let him chase the dream for ever more! Things change. You need a sensible discussion about where you are headed and how much longer this can continue. In a way, you supporting him is prolonging things. If you weren't available for bill paying, presumably he would have to get a 'proper job'?

While it is not ideal, I don't think it is so bad and is similar to many families. You both have a reasonable amount of time with the children and one family day, that really is a decent set . My oh often works 6 or 7 day weeks so. Understand the frustration, of course it would be lovely to have more time together, just not possible right now.

I was ready to steam in here with a big fat YABU, but i actually don't think you are!!

I cannot actually believe that anyone is!!!

From what you describe here it sounds to me like it is some sort of sporting "dream" that he is following. Well, quite frankly, he needs to face up to the fact that if he aint made it by now...........grow the fuck up and take responsibility.

Why should you do the donkey's share of the work while he gets to fanny around "practising"??? You get to work full time AND do the housework while he works a three day week?? Entitled, much???

Its about time he took on some full time work, did his bit and relegated his "dream" to hobby. Its tough in the real world, but hey.

I wanted to go and work with lions like joy adamson and Elsa, for some (VERY FEW) people this might become a reality, but for the rest of us, these things are dreams.

It is very dificult and I understand how you feel. But, as you know yourself, it is very difficult to give up a dream or snap out of it. It is a slow process of realisation that will eventually come to him. It is like being in a relationship with a musician or artist, their work or dream is part of their existence. The positive thing is that the sponsorship was a step closer to the dream and that is why the dream probaly still seems hopeful.

Give it more time and he may eventually realise that the dream won't come true, unless of course it does.