To expect DH not to work weekends? Really need perspectives please?

[owlelf]

DH and u have been together 8 years. Two DC 5&6.

I am the main breadwinner. I have managed to work 4 days a week, one of which is at home. For me this works as I get to see DC and work as well. My job is difficult but it is something that keeps us going financially and for that I am very grateful.

DP is trying to make it in a particular job (I daren't be specific as I don't want any RL friends/ family to recognise me). Trying to make it involves a lot of practise. Around his practise he has always done some paid work in his field. This is minimum wage work. He was very lucky to get sponsorship 2 years ago, this meant he could practise full time giving him a much greater chance of success.

Unfortunately he hadn't had the success we hoped, so now needs to start supplementing things with paid work again.

He plans to take on 3 days of work so that he can continue to practise. This will probably bring in about 25% of our outgoings. The rest will be paid for by me (just).

I'm upset that one of the 3 days work will be a Saturday, until 7pm. This is his choice as it means his week days are free to practise and compete.

I should also say that I do most if the housework and childcare as he is out of the house more than me.

I am beginning to feel a bit resentful that I have to work so hard to keep us going financially. However, he was in this profession when we met and so I did sign up for this IYSWIM.

I wanted him to choose hours that meant we could spend some Saturdays together as a family. I'm furious that he's decided to work Saturdays.

I guess this feels like the straw that could break the camels back. I work hard, I support us all- an I unreasonable to expect my DH to show his gratitude for this by being around at weekends?

YABalittleU, you said it yourself bills meed to paid and you get at least one day at the weekend.
Sadly my dp works late nights and weekends the days he has off I don't

Have I got this straight: you are working bloody hard in a job that doesn't particularly fulfil you, you are doing all the childcare and housework [shocked], and your partner now wants you to be solely in charge on Saturday?

And people say YABU?

And all this 'working weekends is standard practice': in lots of jobs, it isn't. Most of the people I know - in nice, fulfilling, decently paid jobs - do not expect to clock on on a Sat.

I think you're getting a really hard time here, people are responding as if he has to work weekend shifts but does childcare during the week, when neither is true.

I think if you were posting about your desire to become an opera singer (very similar scenario in terms of dedication, age when breakthroughs occur, reward and likely success) and expectation that your family worked around you, for years and years, to support this, you would be being told you were massively unreasonable, entitled and self-indulgent.

I am afraid I believe that this society conspires to take men's dreams and hobbies far more more seriously than women's, while women are expected to compromise in favour of their families almost immediately. I'm not saying this is always the case, it isn't but I do think it is a deeply seated expectation and colours people's perception of what is normal and acceptable.

I do understand your dilemma and the desire to give him his chance. He is the one who needs to be planning sensibly, thinking about and preparing his back up plan. If he's sensible he can line that up at the same time with a bit of part-time training and networking (teaching, sports administration, managing other players, sports PR). (A close relative trained to be an opera singer and now makes a living in arts admin and PR, so I sort of know what I'm talking about).

In answer to your question, I do think he needs to recognise how massively supportive you are being and that he couldn't persue this dream and have a family, without your doing more than your fair share of everything. Therefore he needs to make proposals and ask you if you can accommodate them, not decide what he's doing then tell you. That's what single people with no children do.

He obviously knows he is not fully doing the right thing which is why he gets angry when it or money is mentioned. I think he will see sense and make some compromises over his dream, but the problem is how to discuss it without causing an argument.

I am afraid I believe that this society conspires to take men's dreams and hobbies far more more seriously than women's, while women are expected to compromise in favour of their families almost immediately. I'm not saying this is always the case, it isn't but I do think it is a deeply seated expectation and colours people's perception of what is normal and acceptable.

Spot on, Lottie, and I've been thinking that too.

He doesn't seem to agree that I support him. If you write the figures down then it's absolutely clear that I support us financially. When I try to discuss this he gets very upset and says that "it all comes down to money", with me. That's not true IMO, yes money is an issue here but only because things seem so very unbalanced. I then end up feeling guilty and doubting myself.

Then because I've bought up money, and suggested that maybe he might not make it- he accuses me of not supporting him emotionally.

I want to support him, but in not sure if he's expecting too much. TBH a bit of thanks would go a very long way.

Yes, I think you have to make him sort of feel guilty rather than saying he is wrong. Something like you and the kids feel you are missing out on family time and his company and attention at weekends, and is there anything he can do etc. That might make him feel guilty rather than get his back up and make him take you and teh kids more into account.

YANBU, you are in the right but it's a matter of making him realise it gently.

What about all the childcare and housework you do - doesn't he realise you're doing that?

Yanbu.

What will he do then? Co parent on a Sunday and...?

When was the last time you got to do what you want to do? Or do the dc get an opportunity to follow their dreams at all?

It sounds exhausting to me.

YANBU

People aren't reading the OP properly.

He's taking the piss.

What lottie said.

I have a 'dream' - a bit more prosaic and realistic than this one, essentially a change of career but one for which I need to put in a lot of initially largely unpaid time and work - but the need to contribute to our family finances and take care of the dc so dh can further his (more immediately profitable) career comes first, end of. So I do my work around the edges of the rest of my life (PT work averaging 25-30h/week and 2 smallish dc). I've been successful in the''dream' work I've squashed in and could be massively further ahead if only I had the time and resources to devote to it. But I don't atm. That's life. My dh would have been happy to put his own plans on hold to support me, but it was more imperative that he work on his career for our long-term future as a family.

I wasn't happy in my 'day job' so I've found a better one, one in which I can feel more fulfilled and can still bring in the income we need. I'm due to start soon. I'm aware I'm very lucky to have an in-demand skill which has enabled this, but I do think your dh needs to put serious thought to finding something that's a halfway house between his dream and his responsibilities, rather than expecting you to show infinite patience and denying the reality of the extent to which you support him. His comments about it all coming down to money are enraging. Money - the money you bring in - is what has supported and enabled him so far.

The problem is you've made it about money. But it's more than that. Does he do any housework or childcare..?

Is this what he was doing when you got together?

I'm not sure if it matters that he did this when they got together. Marriage and children change things!

I agree with lucyellenmum.

I think you need some time for you. It seems as if everything centres around your dh which is unfair.

Your dh working on Saturday could work out okay because your dcs are at age when it is easy to take them out on your own and you'll have time as a family during the week. However, Saturday is a family day and as such I think it needs to be a joint decision because you're left to pick up the pieces on a day when your family should all be together. The fact that your dh has chosen to work that day is also a bit hurtful. It would be different if he had no choice.

If he does go ahead and work the Saturday I would not like him working until 7pm. It's too late. I would ask him to finish at 5pm.

YANBU. What are you getting out of this relationship? What sort of dad is he? Is he any more supportive of your DC than he is of you?

I would be livid in your shoes, but I would have started to be livid years ago. You're carrying all the responsibility (financial and otherwise) of this relationship on your shoulders, he's fannying around wasting time and money on something he's not going to make it in unless something changes dramatically, and he's making you feel guilty every time you try to suggest that you'd like the balance to change. Seriously, why are you bothering to stay with him?

I can only conclude that some earlier posters have been reading an entirely different OP from me!

It's not just money though, it sounds like (and I have only read this quickly) you are doing the lion's share of the domestic stuff and childcare too. For him to then take Saturdays so that he can pursue dream which a) does not help financially and b) means that you have an additional day doing the childcare etc yourself till 7pm is selfish. So, YANBU!!

YANBU. and you are getting a strangely hard time from some posters.

Key points. He is CHOOSING to work the Saturday. Yes, lots of us have to work weekends etc. But surely that is just because most of us doing that have no choice.

Of course having children doesn't mean you have to 'give up your dreams'. But you cannot carry on as if you do not have children, or as if you are the only person affected by your decisions. This is simply part of being a responsible adult and parent.

OP, your DP would not be able to pursue this 'hobby that might go professional' without your support, right? It is you being the main breadwinner and doing most of the domestic work that frees him up to do what he wants, right? Then you are perfectly reasonable to ask for some compromise and understanding in return.

It doesn't sound to me as if you are pissed off at being the main breadwinner, btw. It sounds as if you are pissed off at being the main breadwinner and therefore expected to be unquestioningly supportive of your partner's hobby/vocation.

I think your part of the 'compromise? bargain has been that you have supported him in what is effectively a long term career gamble for 8 years, and you are continuing to do so. You are allowed to ask for something in return.

to those posters who say 'you knew he wanted to do this when you married him etc' - well, be adults. Life circumstances change, your responsibilities change, and hopefully your perspective does to as you learn and grow as a parent.

Have you ever had the 'how long are you prepared to give this a go' conversation? It is a very hard one! and the risk is that he will make you the focus of all his anxieties and doubts about it, if you are the one asking. But he needs to be setting his own targets and goals with this kind of thing. If he is still in the same position in 10 years' time, what then?

YABU. I work 3 days a week for a pittance. My DH is the breadwinner. He's under financial pressure, but I HAVE to contribute something monetary into the family pot. I think he'd prefer me to either earn a lot more (not really possible right now) or work the hours that suit him (not possible either).

I get that you feel you're missing out on one important day off a week, weekends are precious, but I do think you need to respect him for actually working very hard to better himself and follow his path even if there is little financial reward. If he's chasing a dream that will never be realised then YANBU, if he needs to put the time in now to make it and the chances are he will at some point then YABU.

My question to you, are you happy in your role? What are your dreams? Pressure to provide is one thing, but if you hate your job, YWNBU to chase your dreams too... which would mean you both would have to sacrifice a lot.

I do think your house hold chores need looking at, you shouldn't be doing most of it.

YANBU. I agree with recent posters it's not just about the Saturdays or even the money but basically he seems to be trying to live his dream and you do everything else.

He should be grateful that you earn a solid wage and he is getting the opportunity to do this ( and I would say this if it was a woman as well) and should repay this by doing at least his share of the housework and ensuring that you get some time to indulge your whims as well. But he isn't.

The problem is I don't know what the answer is. The only suggestion I can bring is that for the short term you claim Sundays for your own, bit hard on your DC but your DH needs to actually spend time and see them as people and I suspect that even in your "family " time you are the one making sure they have the right clothes on that you have packed what you need and making plans for the day. Hopefully if he has to do it himself from time to time it might give him a more realistic perspective on life. Plus children at that age are magical it's such a shame for him to not spend proper time with them.

I don't actually think YABU.

But I do think the working weekends and not doing enough child care or housework are separate issues.

You need to push aside the Saturday problem and come up with a fair division of labour. That will hopefully allow you to be less stressed and tired and you might not be so resentful about Saturday when you are in a better frame of mind.

Also you know, people need to grow up and realise you can't keep chasing a dream forever. Sounds like he's not actually as good as he needs to be or hasn't had the lucky breaks. I'd probably feel he needs to grow the fuck up and get a proper job, or take on 90% of the household work if he can't contribute financially.