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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect DH not to work weekends? Really need perspectives please?

142 replies

owlelf · 03/11/2012 08:18

DH and u have been together 8 years. Two DC 5&6.

I am the main breadwinner. I have managed to work 4 days a week, one of which is at home. For me this works as I get to see DC and work as well. My job is difficult but it is something that keeps us going financially and for that I am very grateful.

DP is trying to make it in a particular job (I daren't be specific as I don't want any RL friends/ family to recognise me). Trying to make it involves a lot of practise. Around his practise he has always done some paid work in his field. This is minimum wage work. He was very lucky to get sponsorship 2 years ago, this meant he could practise full time giving him a much greater chance of success.

Unfortunately he hadn't had the success we hoped, so now needs to start supplementing things with paid work again.

He plans to take on 3 days of work so that he can continue to practise. This will probably bring in about 25% of our outgoings. The rest will be paid for by me (just).

I'm upset that one of the 3 days work will be a Saturday, until 7pm. This is his choice as it means his week days are free to practise and compete.

I should also say that I do most if the housework and childcare as he is out of the house more than me.

I am beginning to feel a bit resentful that I have to work so hard to keep us going financially. However, he was in this profession when we met and so I did sign up for this IYSWIM.

I wanted him to choose hours that meant we could spend some Saturdays together as a family. I'm furious that he's decided to work Saturdays.

I guess this feels like the straw that could break the camels back. I work hard, I support us all- an I unreasonable to expect my DH to show his gratitude for this by being around at weekends?

OP posts:
thebody · 03/11/2012 14:46

Totally agree with Wheresmespecks. Very good post.

whois · 03/11/2012 14:49

Actually I've just read more of the post an he sounds like a childish selfish prickto not even recognise how much support you give him.

Sounds like you are a single mother to your children and a fully grown man-child.

Ask him how he is supporting you emotionally/practically/financially????

I hate dreamers like this man. Waste. Of. Space.

lottiegarbanzo · 03/11/2012 15:32

I'm almost tempted to post a reverse AIBU on your behalf (but I think people would notice!). Thing is, if you did, you'd be asked all sorts of questions about childcare and what expectations you have that he will cover this whenever you have to travel for a competition, about opportunities for his career development and fulfillment, about family time, your relationship with your DCs, and the money questions would be more pointed - who is paying for the golf lessons, for the DCs' treats and holidays, for your pension, what is your five year plan, what agreement did you make when you got together and again when you had DCs. Altogether you'd be viewed as irresponsible and your DH would be praised as a saint.

The reality is that most female sports and arts professionals, even in careers where people peak late (crucially, the ones that peak in the teens and twenties are not relevant here, there's less inherent compromise) are single or childless, at least until after their career. They just wouldn't or couldn't expect a husband and children to trail around after them or keep house happily while they're forever busy, and might not want to compromise family life in that way themselves.

Your DH is immensely lucky to be able to have a family, as well as pursuing his dream career. He really does think he can have it all, doesn't he! That does beg the question, what was your agreement when you had children? Did he want children?

I really sympathise with your wish for recognition and some gratitude. You aren't saying you want him to abandon his dream, just to recognise that he couldn't have it all without your considerable support (practical and emotional as well as financial) and to apply some realism to planning for the future.

I understand the wish to let him pursue this dream to its natural limit. I actually wish my musical relative had pushed further, partly to capture any tiny chance of success but also because otherwise, at some point a natural limit would have been reached and 'failure' (i.e. not quite being one of a brilliant, lucky, tiny elite) would have been recognised. It is important for the person to recognise their own failure / limits. Otherwise they may become an embittered dreamer 'I could have been a contender but for...(select convenient external factor)'. You don't want that factor to be you.

I think you need to be firmer about asking him for a five and ten year plan. You can put this in terms of concern for him; what if his chances are blighted by injury or other circumstances beyond his control, despite his brilliance? Can you set out the family finances clearly, for him to look at in his own time, on the grounds that you're concerned about inability to afford something for the children and would welcome his input on the best way to alter the figures?

In terms of career fulfillment do you have a reciprocal agreement, whereby, once his brilliant career is established or over, you get your chance to re-train and do something more interesting?

I get the sense that, if he wanted to spend Saturdays doing a coaching course, or administration qualification, as part of his back-up plan, you wouldn't be resentful at all.

lottiegarbanzo · 03/11/2012 15:47

(Oof that was long!)

Btw, you say he was 'in this profession when we met'. But he's not in a profession, is he? He earns money from minimum wage jobs. He's an amateur sportsman. He believe he has a vocation and certainly has a dream. He doesn't have a profession.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/11/2012 15:59

He is being fucking ungrateful. It is fine for you to do all the financial work, childcare, housework AND emotionally support him.

motherinferior · 03/11/2012 17:10

The other thing: people keep saying oh well sole childcare on a Saturday, what's the problem...well, I have just gone out, on my own, for two hours on a Saturday. Because I could, because my DP was at home. It's completely different when you're on duty.

owlelf · 03/11/2012 17:57

I am so grateful for the thoughtful replies and will read them all properly and reply to them later.

To answer posters who have asked about the type of partner and Dad DH is- these issues aside, he is a great Dad, very involved with DC (when he is home), plays with them lots, they are very very close.

He is a loving DH, bags of fun, brings a lot of sunshine into my life- except when it comes to his dream / work / money balance.

OP posts:
flow4 · 03/11/2012 18:21

owlelf I have been in just your situation, except it was music not golf... And it was a deal-breaker for me too in the end.

I worked and brought in 90% of the money. My earning power was much greater, and it seemed to make sense for me to work, because he would only have got minimum wage in a 'normal' job. At first, it was enough that he did the childcare and saved that us that expense, and had one paying pupil, and very occasional income from gigs. I knew that he loved making music, and I could hear that his playing and composing were both very good, and I thought he had a real chance of making money from it. I was very conscious that I would have wanted him to support me if it had been the other way round.

But over the course of a couple of years, a few things changed, not suddenly but gradually. My job got harder and colleagues left and I enjoyed it less. I started coming home after a long day to find the house in chaos, and the kids hungry and unfed. Basically, he took kids to/from nursery/school as required, and played with them when they weren't there, or played music/composed when they were occupied. And that was it. No housework. Very little cooking.

I had to start making meals when I got home and was tired and hungry, and yet I didn't feel I could complain, because I knew what I thought men who expected their wives to have dinner on the table when they got in from work. Hmm But still, when it got to the stage where I was earning 90% of the money AND doing 85% of the housework and cooking, and 60% of the childcare, I started to resent it.

Then there were some bits of work he turned down - nothing major - just a couple of gigs. And he didn't follow up an opportunity to meet with a music producer... And he refused to advertise for more music pupils because he didn't 'enjoy' it.

The worst thing was that when I tried to talk to him about it all, he got angry. He'd say things like "I thought you said there are more important things than money?" and "You're just jealous"... He'd shout at me for being unreasonable, and stomp off, leaving me to look after the kids and everything else... again.

In the end, admitting my own feelings was the key. Because I was jealous: I realised that I too had dreams and passions, but I didn't have time or energy to do anything about any of mine, because I was supporting his. He said he understood this, and would make some changes, but he never did... :(

Dunno if that rings any bells with you... But for what it's worth, I think YANBU, because supporting his dream is one thing, but turning your life into a nightmare to do it is quite another.

Jojoba1986 · 03/11/2012 18:35

I don't think you're being at all unreasonable. You have an 'ideal' whereby you're all together as a family on the weekends &, from your perspective, your DH is choosing to threaten that ideal.

I posted on here a while ago about my DH consistently being home later than he said he would be & got eaten alive! He's currently sitting next to me doing work on the sofa. It's not my 'ideal' but at least he's here!

Talk to your DH about it. Explain to him that you value family time & would appreciate it if he could make it a priority. Try to find a compromise that works for both of you. Maybe he could do every other weekend, or half days. Does he have a good reason for choosing to work Saturdays? Maybe they're more likely to be lucrative!

Hope you guys find a solution that works for you. Your feelings are completely valid. You're allowed to feel frustrated if life (or your DH!) throws you a curveball! Wink

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/11/2012 19:53

To be blunt - if he hasn't "made it" in more than eight years (he was already trying before you got together) - well, it's probably not going to happen, is it?

I used to work with someone who had a family member trying to become a professional snooker player. He had attracted some sponsorship, practiced, entered competitions etc. So far, so like your husband. But this young man was realistic. He had set himself a time limit; and if he hadn't made it by then, he would look elsewhere to make his living. Well, he reached his time limit and he hadn't made it big; he reassessed, and found a full-time job. Now, here's another difference between him and your husband - throughout, he was a single man with no responsibilities.

Your husband is, IMO, playing you. He gets all the good bits of being a husband and father, without any of the bad bits. None of the worry about putting food on the table. None of the time pressures of fitting in the household chores. None of the time-juggling at weekends. None of the putting other people first.

Have you ever discussed when it would be reasonable to accept that he is not going to making a living from his hobby pipedream? Will this continue until he's eligible for his old age pension? If not, when? YOu have a right to know when you can expect not to be at the bottom of his selfish priorities.

notmyproblem · 03/11/2012 19:56

flow4 very interesting post, thanks for posting it.

OP, YANBU. Sounds like you need to sit down and have a talk with your DH about this and find a compromise. It's his own insecurity and self-doubt deep down inside that causes him to be defensive though, you realise. So you're going to have to go up against that at some point, best of luck and hope you don't damage his ego too much. But you'll end up like flow4 if you don't.

All the other posters who are looking at the OP through their own subjective shit life experience ("YABU because my DH works both weekend days boo hoo") are BVVU. When someone breaks a leg, do you say "well at least you still have both your legs" too? Hmm Is it really that hard to read and reply to an OP objectively without needing to see it relative to your own less-than-perfect circumstances?

Dozer · 03/11/2012 20:05

Yanbu. It is good that you're not married, since if you were you would probably have to support him financially should you break up!

MummytoKatie · 03/11/2012 22:24

YANBU.q and this is something I know a bit about as my dh is an ex junior international at a (minority) sport and BIL is a commonwealth medalist at the same sport. Neither of them play full time any more (dh never did) as it became impossible for them to make a living at the sport.

I think you need to start making long term plans. What is his current world ranking? What world ranking does he need to "make it." how is he going to get there? When is he going to get there? When will enough be enough and he stop trying?

You need answers to these questions and then you can decide if you are willing to sacrifice any more for his dreams.

Personally I would be giving him 6 months of complete support to move a significant (and specified) number of places up the rankings. If he doesn't then I would stop supporting. If he can't deal with that level of pressure then he is not cut out for professional sport. (Again getting this from dh and BIL who would both make excellent bomb disposal experts as they excel under high pressure.)

marriedinwhite · 03/11/2012 22:40

YANBU. Sounds as though you have given him 10 years to chase a dream and he hasn't caught it. In the meantime he has acquired responsibilities towards two children, a home and a partner. It's time he started dealing with them. Don't think it's about the Saturdays; it's about you doing the lions share of the work and providing the lions share of the funds and him not supporting you either emotionally or financially. He does what he wants when he wants and takes responsibility for nothing least of all the emotional and financial well being of his family. I think he needs to wake up, grow up and shape up.

Could you say, actually Saturday or Sunday is one of my free days and on one of those days I am going to start following a dream be it writing, drawing, cooking, tennis - anything to make him realise that you have the right to have some of your own time and leisure time too.

I think he's lucky you want to spend Saturdays with him.

McHappyPants2012 · 03/11/2012 22:49

Op what are your dreams, because your dreams shouldn't be sacrificed in lieu of his.

Inertia · 04/11/2012 08:37

So you earn most of the money in a difficult job, do all the housework, most of the childcare- and DH plays golf 4 days a week ?

And you think you're being unreasonable ?

I don't mean to doubt your relationship, but if he does make it as a pro what guarantees do you have that any money he makes will be considered household money - or will that be part of the dream too, or will he tell you that you are only bothered about money and anyway he needs it all to pay for hotels / a caddy / better clubs ? Will he even want to stay in the marriage if he is off competing all the time ?

He's had a long time to make this work. I think some time limits seem to be set. It's all very well chasing dreams and not being bothered about money when someone else is feeding you and paying the bills. Unfortunately his dreams don't feed his children.

DewDr0p · 04/11/2012 13:36

No YANBU, def not.

I agree with everyone else who said you need to sit down together and make a plan. And be realistic about his chances of success here.

The way you described him behaving when you try to discuss it - that is classic avoidance - if he turns it back on you then he can avoid the discussion - my dh used to do this to me (over something else he found very painful to discuss but really couldn't be avoided forever) I would suggest you have to try to break through that and make sure you do have a grownup conversation.

Hope you can talk it all through.

Bogeyface · 04/11/2012 14:19

You dont want to tell him that you dont think he will make it as it will hurt him?

I can see that, but sometimes tough love is needed to help someone see the truth.

And he is dragging you down with him! Its easy to not care about money when you arent the one that has to earn it!

Time for some straight talking I am afraid. And if he leaves he will soon realise just how much support you gave him.

motherinferior · 04/11/2012 14:24

I've done the emotional/financial support for the Great Genius too. V wearing. (And in my case it made me very bitter and unhappy.)

And now I'm going to get off the computer because Mr Inferior needs to do a bit of work Wink. The difference is that this bloke, unlike the previous two (oh yes, I had a distinct addiction to the GG type Blush) actually respects the fact that I don't put his work first, I put my own.

BigBoobiedBertha · 04/11/2012 14:52

I don't think YABU either and I am surprised at the start of the thread so many people thought you were. You have to do all the practical stuff and support your DH emotionally and you don't get anything in return except the potential to have some time together and share the load at the weekends and yet you ask for one compromise to achieve that and YABU? I don't get it.Confused

I also agree with Lottie and the attitude that men have that their dreams are more important than anything women might want to do. It is certainly true in this house and has put a strain on our marriage as a result. Whilst you have put up with it this far, you shouldn't be expected to put up with indefinitely at the expense of your own happiness and fulfilment. I also don't think you need to be saying that you knew what you were getting into when you got together. Presumably you were younger, freer and you didn't have children back then. Children and time change things. It isn't a case of pleasing himself anymore and you letting him get away with it. You have children, together. They are the responsibility of both of you and both of you should be making an equal contribution either in terms of time or money. He isn't doing that at the moment.

You do need to have a conversation about where he expects to be in a few years time. I would stomach the Saturdays for a year or so but no longer, not without a decent plan for the future. A difficult conversation to have I know but it is time your DH realised he has had it pretty easy so far but he can't carry on as he is forever.

wheresmespecs · 04/11/2012 19:56

lottiegarbanzo makes a VERY good point....

People trying to achieve a dream, over a long period of time, have to be very brave about facing the possibility of failureand if they are ultimately not successful, recognising the (really rather sad) fact they they just weren't good enough. Maybe not lucky enough, sure - but for whatever reason, it isn't going to happen.

Whatever you do, you must be careful OP not to make yourself the figure who 'ends his dreams', as he might see it. You could not live with the person who thinks they could have been a contender if YOU hadn't stopped them.

I've come back to this thread because it's sat in my mind a bit. I am someone who you could say 'pursued a dream' and have been successful - but it all happened pre-DC (now I have a whole new set of life/work challenges of course....) AND I was very mindful of the fact that if it didn't work out, I would need a plan B.

IME' people who are privately very very worried that they won't achieve their dream profession are the same people who refuse to countenance a Plan B. They see it as admitting defeat before they have started, IYSWIM. I didn't, I saw it as part of being a responsible adult. I was absolutely bloody minded in pursuing what I wanted to do, but I set myself goals and limits ("I need to be doing at least x by this time next year") and was adamant that whatever happened, I would not become some sad 40 something with no money living with my parents with broken dreams and a few glamorous photo albums for company! And I never wanted any partner to support me.

I suppose this is just by way of saying it is very hard to be in your position, needing to talk to your partner about all this. It sounds a bit odd, but if he is quite 'reactive' you may need to write him a letter saying everything you want to say as well as you can - then go away for a weekend with the kids and leave him to think it over on his own. Atm if he just gets upset and accuses you of being all about the money etc, you NEED him to see his own position in all this. But that means talking about fear of failure etc, and he isn't going to want to do that at all. So maybe the letter is a way of saying what you need to say without getting into an immediate argument. Just a thought.

wheresmespecs · 04/11/2012 19:58

(PS if he is trying to make it as a sportsman, he needs to have a plan B for retirement. Even golfers don't get to keep going professionally into their seventies. if his only other skills and employment history are in green keeping, coaching and bar work, he will very probably have big problems)

owlelf · 04/11/2012 21:58

Thank you again for all the thoughtful advice in this thread, MN really is full of lovely, perceptive people.

It's almost too much to take in all at once. I do realise that I need to deal with this via a discussion with DH, but I am a bit afraid of tackling it at the moment. To clarify, I'm not in any way afraid of DH, I'm more afraid of saying the wrong thing- and not making my point properly, resulting in a huge argument which will push us further apart.

I know I sound a bit wimpish, I will do it, I just need a little time to gather my thoughts first.

A letter would be a good plan for lots of reasons, maybe I will do that, I'm not sure yet.

The last poster (sorry I'm on the app, so can't scroll to their post to see their name) made a point that rings very true. He struggles to acknowledge that there is a chance that he may not be successful- he would see this as a weakness that will risk his chance of success. His coach and other people who support him have also encouraged him to think positive and not consider failure.

I'm feeling very emotional ATM, it has been difficult to read posts from so many people pointing out how unreasonable DH is being. I do appreciate the posts though, and I did ask for opinions!!

OP posts:
joanofarchitrave · 04/11/2012 22:23

Some amazing posts here. No harm in taking things slowly, there is no immediate rush about sorting this all out at once.

'I think you need to be firmer about asking him for a five and ten year plan.'

This.

'he needs to have a plan B for retirement. Even golfers don't get to keep going professionally into their seventies'.

And this.

Kiwiinkits · 05/11/2012 01:29

Are his parents still alive? Does he respect his Dad? Could Dad be the one to have 'the talk' with his son?

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