To expect DH not to work weekends? Really need perspectives please?

[owlelf]

DH and u have been together 8 years. Two DC 5&6.

I am the main breadwinner. I have managed to work 4 days a week, one of which is at home. For me this works as I get to see DC and work as well. My job is difficult but it is something that keeps us going financially and for that I am very grateful.

DP is trying to make it in a particular job (I daren't be specific as I don't want any RL friends/ family to recognise me). Trying to make it involves a lot of practise. Around his practise he has always done some paid work in his field. This is minimum wage work. He was very lucky to get sponsorship 2 years ago, this meant he could practise full time giving him a much greater chance of success.

Unfortunately he hadn't had the success we hoped, so now needs to start supplementing things with paid work again.

He plans to take on 3 days of work so that he can continue to practise. This will probably bring in about 25% of our outgoings. The rest will be paid for by me (just).

I'm upset that one of the 3 days work will be a Saturday, until 7pm. This is his choice as it means his week days are free to practise and compete.

I should also say that I do most if the housework and childcare as he is out of the house more than me.

I am beginning to feel a bit resentful that I have to work so hard to keep us going financially. However, he was in this profession when we met and so I did sign up for this IYSWIM.

I wanted him to choose hours that meant we could spend some Saturdays together as a family. I'm furious that he's decided to work Saturdays.

I guess this feels like the straw that could break the camels back. I work hard, I support us all- an I unreasonable to expect my DH to show his gratitude for this by being around at weekends?

It sounds like the working on Saturdays is only about to start now, so it would be a bit unfair to stop it before giving it a try.

YANBU. His priority now should be raising his family not chasing a dream he's unlikely to fulfil.

YABU for doing all the ruddy housework, you mug!

I don't think you are unreasonable. This would piss me off. How realistic is the chance of him fulfilling his dream? And in the meantime you do the rest and have not much time as a family. Bollocks to that.

If he were earning, or likely to on the near future then ywouldbu.

but as others have said it sounds like you are doing childcare, housework and breadwinner whilst he fannies about with a hobby.

It sounds like you need a plan.

First you need to ascertain wether he had any chance of success. He, and hopefully you, needs to sit down with a sports psychologist/ coach (to give this dome legitimacy) and set a SMART goal - ie achievable, realistic and Time limited.
Agree this jointly, so that for example he needs to be earning 500 GBP per month by January 2014 or whatever is realistic, and at the same time set the commitment that if he does not achieve this minimum he must relegate this to hobby and pull his weight financially in some other way.

Also, you need do work on pulling back on housework and getting him to pull his weight here. Ime I found just not doing things can work. I used to cook every night, as well as housework and breadwinner. He used to ask what was for tra, and I'd pootle off and cook. Fool. Now I sit on mn, and say 'haven't a bloody clue, what you cooking' it works, if you hold firm.

Good luck op.

lucyellenmum

From what I gather its pro golf. And its not unusual for pro golfers to become pro later in life. So by not having made it now, doesn't mean that ship has sailed iyswim.

I think the problem is that the OP committed to supporting him pursuing this.

I would like to know why the sponsor dropped him (if that is the case).

I also think a review of the situation is in order. If the OP really can not carry on supporting him there needs to be a conversation and perhaps a plan.
But, OP, if he gives up on this will ur feel resentful, that you agreed to support him now are not?

How would you feel?

Tra -tea

If it's the profession mentioned by others, can he not work a week day then go and practice on a Saturday. I know plenty who get up at 6am Saturday to be the first off so they can still spend a descent chunk of the weekend with their family.

Can I ask how old he is? And how many hours he dedicates to his profession during a standard week? Has he got a lot better over the 8 years you've been together?

And if it is the aforementioned profession, does the sponsorship cover his costs or does that come out of family money? I know that memberships, green fees, equipment, clothing etc can add up to an expensive hobby

pro-golf? now theres a contradiction in terms!! Tell him to stop playing with his balls, man up and get a proper job.

Well if it is golf, then the work in the field at minimum wage seems a bit odd. Golf pro's certainly don't charge min wage!

DH works Saturdays. He combines being a teacher with being a (paid) sports coach. The sport involves frequent trips away, anything from a weekend to 10 days at a time. I used to get really resentful

I'm now trying to make the best of it. On Saturdays we see friends and do trips to places DH probably wouldn't enjoy much anyway. We watch movies with popcorn and make pancakes for breakfast - things that DH would be neg about. I've stopped postponing days out until DH is able to make it - I don't put our lives on hold just because DH is at work. I also ask DH for a contribution towards these activities from his sport coaching earnings. And there are loads of other families where one parent works weekends, find out which of your friends are in the same position so you can make plans together.

There is a difference between having to work at weekends (no one can object to that, my DH is a musician and has to) and CHOOSING to work on Saturday so that you have more time to do a hobby in the week.

YABU you are being specific to when your husband can work not all work fits in monday to friday uab really precious about it .

But he CHOSE to work Saturday. Did you not read the OP? That means that he could have chosen another day.

In my opinion YANBU. I don't think I'd be very happy to slog away in a job so somebody could chase their dreams. He should leave Saturday free to be with the family and help out.

Sounds like he's being self-indulgent

YANBU

I have heard before that Saturday is expensive for golf because everybody is off work and therefore at teh golf club whereas during the week it is cheaper to play golf because everyone else is at work. That may be why he works Saturday and plays in the week. How much more expensive it is on Saturdays, I don't know.

How old is he? At some stage he is going to have to get his priorities sorted. It sounds like he still has some way to go there, maybe because he is still relatively young.

Thank you do much for all of the thoughtful posts.

To answer a few questions- he is mid thirties, yes he has got better over the years, from what I understand there are flashes of excellent performance which are spoiled by a few errors, he is working on ironing the errors out.

Sponsorship was a fixed amount of money from someone who believed in him. Money has now almost gone, hence the need to supplement with a paid job.

Job is minimum wage: bar work, pro shop, green keeping. He could earn more per hour from teaching but his club have restricted this to pros who work FT.

He spends all week practising, playing or in the gym working on fitness. As such he's not around much, hence reason I do lions share of housework and childcare. I don't mind this, it doesn't take long and I understand he needs to put the hours in.

I just wanted the upside to all this to be that we spent weekends together.

I really have no idea whether his dream is a pipe dream, or a real possibility. He is determined it is a reality. For me to suggest otherwise would be like punching him in the stomach.

I have supported him for 8 years, but as suggested by a few posters I am beginning to feel like an 'enabler' in a possibly unrealistic quest.

I think there is a possibility that he would never forgive me if I "ruined his chances", and it may lead to us splitting up.

I would be deeply pissed off in your situation.

YABVVU. If bills have to be paid then that's the most important thing. It sounds very immature to expect every weekend free together.

I think he could compromise and sometimes work one weekday and leave the Saturday free, vary the routine maybe.

Put his dream to one side

What is your dream?

If it is to support an idealist in an unrealistic quest for an indefinite amount of time, then fair enough.

If not then I think you need to be equally firm with him about what outcome you want to see. Your posts seem to suggest you would like more family time and an equal division of labour around the house.

So, who is ruining whose chances?

The problem is that OP does not want to end up splitting up over this when it may sove itself eventually as he becomes more mature and realises that the dream may in fact be a pipe dream.

Also would he really split up iF you dared to discuss pulling the plug on this? How on earth would he fund this dream and find time to eat and wash his own clothes without you? -don't underestimate the strength of your position here.