My Mums laziness is driving me nuts

[fluffypillow]

This can't be normal behaviour.

Bit of background..........I am happily married (20yrs) with 3 children 15, 10 and 22 months.

We have always lived with my parents, and it worked out well until recently.

My gorgeous Dad died suddenly nearly two years ago. It was a week before christmas, and two weeks before our beautiful Daughter was born. As you can imagine, it was a very difficult time.

My Mum then retired 6 months later. Again, a time of adjustment for us all. I am a SAHM, and my DH works from home, so suddenly we were all at home together all day, every day.

Now, heres the thing, my Mum has always been a 'can't do' kind of person. She has a huge list of hang up/phobias which constantly limit the rest of the family (DH, the children and I).

She has always been the kind of person to avoid physical activity of any kind, but recently it has got to the stage where it is really worrying.

She gets up at 11am every day, makes breakfast, then goes on her laptop in front of the TV for the rest of the day. She only moves when she needs the toilet. Sometimes she will drive to the shop, and is gone for about 30mins.

My DH is the cook in our house, and he serves dinner to her every day.

She has never helped with the housework, and I didn't mind doing it all when she was working, but now I wish she would help just a little.

I find it hard work sometimes to get all the chores done with a toddler running around, but she NEVER offers to watch her for me at all, even though she is just sitting there all day. I could never ask her to babysit as DD wouldn't be safe with her, so DH and I never go anywhere on our own.

I took her to a family 'do' in the summer (at her request), DH couldn't come due to work. Everyone else in the family has help from the Grandparents with their kids, playing with them etc.....but not my Mum. She gets me to wait on her! I was struggling to feed my DD a jacket potato off of a paper plate, and trying to stop her pulling it on the floor, when my Mum says 'I thought you were going to get me some food!!'. Honestly, she didn't move from her chair in the three hours we were there.

We have to take her on holiday with us, as she has made it clear she would not stay in the house alone, and we have nobody to ask for help. Everythng revolves around her, and it gets me down.

About 3 times in the last 6 months, she has fallen on the floor in the evening(because she has too much to drink). Dh and I have to pick her up, and we struggle as she is so overweight. My DH has a very physical job , and is used to lifting, but she won't bend her knees, so we have a real job. She spent the next day crying.......for herself, as she said 'what if I had been here on my own?, I wouldn't have been able to get up!' She doesn't seem to think about the fact that if my DH hurt his back, then we would not be able to feed our kids!
I hate it, and it makes me worry even more that we will never be able to go away without her. We need time together with the kids on our own.

My Mum is on anti depressants, and has been for years, but they make no difference. She doesn't see that she has a problem, and thinks that the way she lives is normal.

I am scared for the future. I don't know what will happen. She is only 67, but is getting worse by the day. I love her, but I have never known anyone to be this lazy, and I think she is being quite selfish.

So AIBU? Is this normal behaviour for a woman of her age?

Why is the onus on Fluffy to 'think long and hard' about the possible devastating effects of her mum's drinking, Cheermum? If you mean call the police when her mum's out in the car - yes maybe. If you mean to try and get her help - no, no way.

Her mother will not listen to rhyme nor reason and is utterly selfish.

This woman is toxic, life sucking, a complete burden to her family and is abusing her body with food and booze.

It is not OP's job or duty after years and years of supporting her to sort this out.

I would imagine that even by calling the police the OP will be making her life more miserable as she will then run booze errands for her mum forevermore.

As many of us have said, OP thinks there is no way out and she must live with and facilitate and enable her mother. This is due to years of brainwashing. If it was any other person, not a family member, treating this family with such contempt and disprespect OP would surely not tolerate it. So she shouldn't tolerate this. But, sadly, I think she will.

OP I am really pleased you have booked your holiday but I suspect the only reason your mum is calm about it now is because it's months away and she doesn't really believe you will go. Be prepared for her to not get around to arranging someone to come and stay with her and then pulling a massive guilt fest on you at the last minute. I'd make the arrangements myself if I were you or you'll end up not going.

I thought the same as Aniseeda - be prepared for some sort of fall / illness close to when you're due to go.
There must be some sort of respite care you're entitled to.
Really look into what services might be available to her.
Maybe daily visits by someone while you're away.

Op my df is 84, he lives on his own (never drinks). He has very poor health and has done for years. He has care girls going in 3 times a day to get his meals, showers and get him dresseed. if he falls over, he presses his button.
He is far more dependant than your Dm and love him as much as I do, I could never have him living with me as it would just take over my life.
We are both happy with the situation.

You are casting a bleak shadow over your families life, possibly for another 20 years?
You are also enabling a drunk driver. If she's going out at 4 pm every day there will be a good few school children around. How would you feel if a mother lost her only child though the actions of your Dm?
Sorry if all this seems harsh but you don't seem to want to accept the severity of your dm's drinking.

Fluffy, when you complain about your mum not being a good granny for your children what you are really talking about is your mum not being a good mother to you. I suspect you are hanging around and bending over backwards trying to get her to finally be a good mum to you. Your DH is your assistant in this project for reasons of his own, and your children are props in the programme too.

You are able to see where she is letting the children down stinginess with gifts and time and general care but you need to be able to express your own pain at being let down yourself, at being forced to take up what should have been her job and essentially be the housekeeper and the mother figure.

Take a look at the questions and observations here. I can see the 'Yes' answer all over your posts here.

Fair enough to come on here to let off steam, OP. Pity you're not ready to take the excellent advice offered. Hopefully you will one day soon.

You are sacrificing too much to continue this miserable arrangement.

Although moving seems too much of a big deal, trust me it would be much much better for your family than continuing to live like this. You have to be the brave adult here fluffy and make big choices or I fear that you will effectively lose your dh and your dc for the sake of your mum and some ideal notion of family you are enchained to that is pure fantasy. If you cannot see this please cosider some counselling.

Nobody on this thread has said they think you are doing the right thing. You have the power to make the lives of all your family members significantly better. Fgs use it Fluffy, take some responsibility here. Pandering to a drunk mum at the expense of your own family is not responsible imo.

What on earth is she looking at on the laptop? She must have some sort of special interest to be able to spend that much time on it- is it something that will translate into a real-life activity?

For some people, jessie, the internet (if that's what she's on) can become real life. As with TV - people on chat shows or reality shows can become their 'family' because they're always available at their scheduled time and always friendly and the same.

I think the critical thing here is the well being and attitude of fluffy, her DH and DCs and I'm hoping that this thread has given her some insight. I regret having to be harsh but I wouldn't anticipate being able to change an inactive, overweight, 67 year old long term alcoholic with long-standing and seemingly significant personality issues. (Her likely physical condition alone would probably mean that any long term plans would be futile.) I would be hoping only to contain the damage that her actions might cause to fluffy and her family - and any outsiders eg the driving.

It's a real difficult one. Fluffy wants to do the best by her Mum - but the reality, in my view, is that her 'Mum' hasn't been there for many, many years. Alcoholics are self absorbed and often only really relate to their bottle; with anything else incidental and usually a matter of comfort and convenience. Or bolstering what's left of their ego to maintain the fiction of normality.

How that containment is carried out is down to fluffy, I'm afraid. All people on this thread can do is make suggestions. She's the one that has to bite the bullet.

fluffy, one of the biggest mental hurdles we have to overcome when we're dealing with long-term alcoholics is that they don't have to agree with us. We look at their lives and see them as being empty and wasted. We wonder how on earth they can live like that. We automatically assume that, surely, they must want their lives to be different and so we work towards trying to achieve that for them.

But you're not seeing things through her eyes. From her point of view she's got it made. She gets to sit around all day watching TV and playing on her laptop. She has zero responsibilities other than staggering out every now and then to get more booze. She doesn't have to work, she doesn't have to cook, she doesn't have to clean, she gets to be pissed as knickers all day every day while knowing that everyone will walk on eggshells around her. And if that doesn't work she'll use her well-practised guilt-trip abilities to get you to shut up (eg, by "crumbling" when you try to talk to her).

She is living the life she is choosing to live. You have neither the moral nor legal right to insist that she lives the life that you feel she should be living. If and when she decides she wants to live her life differently then she may well ask for help. Until she does, though, you can't talk an alcoholic into becoming sober until they already want to.

I think you are also massively underestimating the effects this level of drinking will be having on her. Your mother is permanently drunk. She has been for years, probably decades. From what you suggest it's quite likely you have never seen her properly sober. Sure, after 10pm she'll be significantly drunker than she is at 4pm. But at 4pm she's far from sober. It's been so long since she's been properly sober that, to her, anything less than rolling-on-the-floor drunk must be "sober". And it's been so long since you've seen her properly sober that you think the same.

Rather than waste emotional energy trying yet again to get her to stop drinking, maybe your energies would be better spent looking after yourself, your children and your marriage. I really do strongly recommend reading "Codependent No More". It won't be easy reading but I think you'd get a hell of a lot out of it.

Quite so. And if she's been drinking heavily for decades and is getting worse (as in the OP) the situation may resolve itself more quickly than fluffy is anticipating. I'm sorry to have to say that but it's something that fluffy should also be catering for given that she lives in a shared house.

It's easy to get disposable breath testers for alcohol levels these days, since France made it mandatory to carry a couple in the car.

Could you get some (halfords, big supermarkets with car sections, online etc) and then stop your mum when you see her go out to the car - just tell her she looks a bit wobbly or something. If she refuses saying don't you trust me just counter with she would have no qualms blowing in one if she knew she was ok; refusing to do it is admitting guilt.

Then either say you'll look after her car keys until she is no longer over the limit or you'll call the police if she gets in the car. Make sure she doesn't get you to get her booze instead and talk to the gp about withdrawing from alcohol (remember being told in a lecture at uni that alcohol is one of the most dangerous drugs to withdraw from).

I bet at the moment she is kidding herself that she isn't drunk when she gets in the car; giving her proof that she is might shock her...

Fluffypillow Just something I thought whilst reading through the various threads and which no one seems to have commented on yet ( including yourself ) In one of your posts on 3rd Nov, you mentioned that " My DH is the one who wanted to live here in the first place " I may be entirely wrong ( and I apologize if I am as you probably discussed it with him ) but perhaps when you go away in February you talk to HIM about everything because he is living in a house that is part owned by his wife and works from home ie, has he made an easy life for himself ? Do you envisage yourselves carrying on like this for the next 20/30 years , the only existence your children have known ? You will never escape the fact that you are your mother's daughter, but what about more happiness in yours and your family's lives ?