My Mums laziness is driving me nuts

[fluffypillow]

This can't be normal behaviour.

Bit of background..........I am happily married (20yrs) with 3 children 15, 10 and 22 months.

We have always lived with my parents, and it worked out well until recently.

My gorgeous Dad died suddenly nearly two years ago. It was a week before christmas, and two weeks before our beautiful Daughter was born. As you can imagine, it was a very difficult time.

My Mum then retired 6 months later. Again, a time of adjustment for us all. I am a SAHM, and my DH works from home, so suddenly we were all at home together all day, every day.

Now, heres the thing, my Mum has always been a 'can't do' kind of person. She has a huge list of hang up/phobias which constantly limit the rest of the family (DH, the children and I).

She has always been the kind of person to avoid physical activity of any kind, but recently it has got to the stage where it is really worrying.

She gets up at 11am every day, makes breakfast, then goes on her laptop in front of the TV for the rest of the day. She only moves when she needs the toilet. Sometimes she will drive to the shop, and is gone for about 30mins.

My DH is the cook in our house, and he serves dinner to her every day.

She has never helped with the housework, and I didn't mind doing it all when she was working, but now I wish she would help just a little.

I find it hard work sometimes to get all the chores done with a toddler running around, but she NEVER offers to watch her for me at all, even though she is just sitting there all day. I could never ask her to babysit as DD wouldn't be safe with her, so DH and I never go anywhere on our own.

I took her to a family 'do' in the summer (at her request), DH couldn't come due to work. Everyone else in the family has help from the Grandparents with their kids, playing with them etc.....but not my Mum. She gets me to wait on her! I was struggling to feed my DD a jacket potato off of a paper plate, and trying to stop her pulling it on the floor, when my Mum says 'I thought you were going to get me some food!!'. Honestly, she didn't move from her chair in the three hours we were there.

We have to take her on holiday with us, as she has made it clear she would not stay in the house alone, and we have nobody to ask for help. Everythng revolves around her, and it gets me down.

About 3 times in the last 6 months, she has fallen on the floor in the evening(because she has too much to drink). Dh and I have to pick her up, and we struggle as she is so overweight. My DH has a very physical job , and is used to lifting, but she won't bend her knees, so we have a real job. She spent the next day crying.......for herself, as she said 'what if I had been here on my own?, I wouldn't have been able to get up!' She doesn't seem to think about the fact that if my DH hurt his back, then we would not be able to feed our kids!
I hate it, and it makes me worry even more that we will never be able to go away without her. We need time together with the kids on our own.

My Mum is on anti depressants, and has been for years, but they make no difference. She doesn't see that she has a problem, and thinks that the way she lives is normal.

I am scared for the future. I don't know what will happen. She is only 67, but is getting worse by the day. I love her, but I have never known anyone to be this lazy, and I think she is being quite selfish.

So AIBU? Is this normal behaviour for a woman of her age?

Sorry to hear about your tricky situation.

I think you andDH need to sit down with her and have a firm talk. Tell her you love her, that you understand she feels low and needs support, but that you are not going to enable her anymore.

Stop doing her housework for her. stop cooking every meal for her. work out a fair distribution of labour, considering everones age, abilities and commitments. either she steps up to be a team player or she is in a team of one.

Sounds harsh, but you could be living like this for 30 years! She is physically able now, she needs to get help for her emotional problems and stop causin practical problems!

TBH she sounds seriously depressed , have you actually sat down and spoken to her about your concerns . Is she alcoholic ? Do you do all the shopping and / or is she buying alcohol? Does she eat with you at the table?

TBH I think your long term aim should be to move out. Whether this is done by you selling the house and buying separate places, or some other way, I don't know, but I think it will be very difficult to change if you are all still under one roof.

I also think you need to engage some external help / care / advice for her... but I don't have any experience of this so would be the wrong person to advise you. Maybe another part of mumsnet would have posters more experienced in getting help for a dependant relative?

Thank you pictish.

floralnomad....We are responsible for her. There is noone else. She is not stable. Probably the worse thing that could happen if we went away is she falls over drunk, breaks her hip, and nobody finds her for days. I don't feel we are enabling her behaviour tbh. She does what she does, and I can't change her. She chooses not to offer help to us, so we get on with things, it's just hard.

irishchic....we wouldn't consider moving out. We've lived here too long. We wouldn't do that to her.

eosmum, I feel the same. My dc's only have her as a grandparent, and she makes no effort with them. She buys them things, yes, but she doesn't spend any quality time with them, when they are right there.

My little DD is such a joy, and loves books/games etc..... but Mum spends no time with her, it's such a shame.

I'm sorry but you are not responsible for her , unless she has dementia and therefore diminished mental capacity , she is 67 she is responsible for herself . You FEEl responsible for her ,that is a totally different thing . Whether you want to accept it from what you put in your OP you are enabling the behaviour . Sorry to sound harsh but it is the case .

From your Mum's point of view, she has recently had two huge changes in her life to deal with, the death of her husband and her retirement. You say she is taking ADs, and that she drinks heavily, so clearly she is not dealing well with her own problems.

What you see as her laziness, may simply be her way of avoiding facing reality.

What would be your ideal outcome in all of this? That she helps you more, that you are able to go on holiday as a family without her, that she drinks less so that you can depend on her to care for the children, that you begin to live seperate lives? Do you have any other family who could stay with her while you go on holiday? Would she consider moving into sheltered housing, perhaps partly funded by the sale of the house?

I think that the first question you need to answer, is to find out what you and your husband want to happen, and only then will you be able to find a way through your problems. It will mean change for all of you though, and that could be difficult and painful for you all.

Could you broach the subject of you, DH and the kids moving out? I know you own half of the house, and I obviously don't know what sort of financial situation either party are in, but quite honestly your life sounds run totally by her.

Has she visited a doctor? She sounds llike she needs help with her drinking and her moods and her health too. You are slowly but surely turning into her carer and if that is to be the case, she needs something recognised that you are caring for her for in order that you can access support such as respite or from Social Services.

I fear that she is a ditrimental influence to the children, too, behaving this way. They may think it's normal to sit around doing bot all.

Sorry, detrimental

Ilove mydogs............We'd need someone to stay in the house the whole time, incase she falls. I don't think we could afford to pay someone, although it may be worth looking into.

Michaelas.....I understand what you mean, but you just can't talk to her. That's what makes the situation so tough. She either homes in on one point, and repeats it.....eg I'll say, you need to move around more, and she'll say 'what do you expect me to do, run around the house all day?, I am retired', and she just say's it again and again, and stops listening to me, or she starts crying and says I'm being horrible.

Talking to her is not an option.

Floralnomad........We do the main shop, she gets her booze and personal bits from the local shop. DH brings her dinner to her, and she eats on her lap top!

Limeleaflizard.....I really don't think moving out is an option. We've been here too long, and I think it would be cruel to her tbh. It would probably send her over the edge, and we'd only worry about her more. I think she has a serious mental health problem, but would never see it, so where does that leave us?

I think depressed people can be very selfish. Not always though.

Well letting her eat on her laptop is definitely enabling the behaviour , tell her its at the table and that's that , she's then got three options, sit at the table,starve or get it herself . Start with the small things and then move on. If she cries and says you are horrible do the same , cry and tell her she's making your life a misery , perhaps it would be a wake up call for her .

sorry but i do think youre enabling her. if she fixates on one point then you need to tackle one thing at a time and choose your words very carefully. i agree with other posters that you need to work out what you want first - e.g if it ishelp with housework you could say "you need to do a share of the housework. you canchoose between hoovering, cleaning the bathroom or washing up. i will show you how to do it if you need me to".

agree with your DH first what to say, tackle it together.then stand firm and stand firm some more.

Do you think perhaps it's possible that her 'helplessness' is something that she is using to manipulate you, whether consciously or subconsciously? It seems that you feel a mixture if fear, obligation and guilt and this combination is often thought of as a result of manipulation. Perhaps she has you right where she wants you: cook, cleaner and companion all rolled into one free package.

You say you couldn't 'do that to her', but the cost of the current situation is ultimately going to be (more) strain on your marriage. Your husband sounds like a lovely guy, but perhaps you are doing to him a bit of what she is doing to you, because you are too scared of upsetting her.

She is your mother and definitely you need to get professional help. At her age, as we all know, it is very difficult to understand what exactly is happening in her head and long/short time from now when she will no longer be with you, maybe you will wish to turn back time so you can help her. We all know that GP can't do much for her however can advise you to a good psychologist, engage her to different happy activities and just don't give up on her! She needs you more then ever, you are her backbone! Good luck!

floralnomad.........I do understand what you mean. We do feel responsible, because it is just us.

allalonenow....I don't know what would be our ideal outcome tbh. I don't think there is much choice in this for us. We are in a situation that is becoming unbearable, and I feel that it is my dh and I that need to change the way we view it, and accept that things will be very difficult for a good few years to come, it's not easy though. I couldn't bear to move out, and dh wouldn't consider it either. I couldn't leave her.

Goldplated.......yes, we feel like we are turning into to carers, and that is the scary thing. she wouldn't get help from a gp, and she doesn't think she has a problem.

I agree with Flora - infact, I would be tellig her first thing in the morning that all meals are served at the table and if she wants to eat, that is where she needs to be.

After a week or two of that, start on the next few things.

You say she has her own living room - does she tidy and hoover it? Does she strip her bed, do her own laundry, clean the bathroom after her? It sounds worse than living with a hormonal teenager.

Does she contribute any money towards the house, either by paying her share of the mortgage or a portion of the bills, or is all her pension hers? Presumably if she worked in management she isn't just getting a state pension?

Fluffy, this is going to sound really harsh, but it's meant with the best of intentions, ok?

You ARE enabling her current behaviour and lifestyle. Every single thing which posters have suggested, you've managed to counter.
To kick things off, YOU need to go to her GP, alone, and express you concerns over the drinking, the falls, the antidepressants, and request that the GP sees her, with a view to making a referral for a social services assessment of your mum.
SS depts are very switched just now, but that doesn't mean they can't refer you on to other agencies etc. I I haven't knowledge of your financial situation, but there are benefits out there (sorry I not up to date since all the changes) which are meant to assist with things like paying a carer etc to come in to allow you to HAVE A LIFE.

You nee dot take control of this, for your own family's sake, because your mum eithe can't or won't.

I hope you've read this in the way in which it's intended, which is sympathetic and supportive, I'm coming from a position of knowledge as a carer x

Depressed people and alcoholics can act selfishly. They are suffering from illnesses. Sounds like your Mum has quite a few problems.

I'm very sorry for you OP

Sorry iPad typo fail!

SS departments are very stretched, not switched!

Can you sit down and spek to her, just you two? If you and your partner do she may feel that your ganging up on her?

It's not fair n your children...if she is able to walk unaided then she should get her own bloody food!

Maybe look into sheltered accommodation for her? You have your own place and its a bit like a community as such as you have a "warden" to come and check on her...give her a booklet

or what you do is break her charger for the laptop and then say brightly in the morning o well you can help me instead!

floralnomad........if we asked her to sit at the table, that would be more of our family time we would miss out on!!!!

michaelas.....honestly, I could talk until I'm blue in the face!, she would NEVER help with housework, never has, never will. I have asked outright when we have visitors etc..... she always has an excuse, bad back, bad knee, I have to go shopping , I will in an minute......it's pointless.

cantreachmytoes......I think she is manipulitive, but maybe she can't see it, I don't know. My DH is the one who wanted to live here in the first place. Heis very kind, and was a rock to my Dad. He lifted him around when he was ill, and was just so lovely to him. He is great, and I'm so lucky. He is more worried about upsetting her than I am, he often talks me down if he thinks I'm going to have a row with her.

ginanicol....thank you, yes, you are right. She does need us, and we will try to help, but it's so hard when we have the pressure of three (lovely!) children to bring up too.

Going to have to go to bed now, have a toddler that still wakes up during the night, but will check in tomorrow.

Thank you so much for the 'chat', I really appriciate your advice night night.x

I'm so sorry you have to live in this situation. I've only read a few of the replies so I'm sorry if this has already been said but how about talking to your doctor. I know it's a completely different situation but my mum spoke to her doc about some concerns she was having with my gran (68) and they were able to give some guidance. You may find there is some help you can get or a support group or that you need to be taking her to her own docs etc
From what I've read of your replies to people's comments this might be a good 1st step

You are going to lose your sanity if this continues. She is only 67 - you could have 20/30 years of this!! Fuck that for a joke.

You need to sort it out. Tell her that either things change or you will sell the house and move apart. End of. The give her a list of things that need to change it would be simpler to list the things that don't tbh

• She contributes financially
• She does x housework
• She shares the cooking/cleaning up
• She either copes on her own (she's only bloody 67!) or arranges to stay elsewhere when you & your family go on holiday
• If she wants help with things she needs to reciprocate
• She spends time with her GC

... whatever suits you. But you cannot carry on as you are, you will be ground down and your relationship & children will suffer.

Don't get me wrong, I know she's grieving and that retiring is hard - losing yourself in your computer is easy but she's only 67 - not 87 - and she needs to pull her weight as part of a family - if she wants to be left to do as she pleases then she needs to be in her own separate home.

x-posted with you.

OK - so use her pension money to pay for a cleaner & to contribute to food/bills etc.

Your DH sounds lovely - can you clone him??