My Mums laziness is driving me nuts

[fluffypillow]

This can't be normal behaviour.

Bit of background..........I am happily married (20yrs) with 3 children 15, 10 and 22 months.

We have always lived with my parents, and it worked out well until recently.

My gorgeous Dad died suddenly nearly two years ago. It was a week before christmas, and two weeks before our beautiful Daughter was born. As you can imagine, it was a very difficult time.

My Mum then retired 6 months later. Again, a time of adjustment for us all. I am a SAHM, and my DH works from home, so suddenly we were all at home together all day, every day.

Now, heres the thing, my Mum has always been a 'can't do' kind of person. She has a huge list of hang up/phobias which constantly limit the rest of the family (DH, the children and I).

She has always been the kind of person to avoid physical activity of any kind, but recently it has got to the stage where it is really worrying.

She gets up at 11am every day, makes breakfast, then goes on her laptop in front of the TV for the rest of the day. She only moves when she needs the toilet. Sometimes she will drive to the shop, and is gone for about 30mins.

My DH is the cook in our house, and he serves dinner to her every day.

She has never helped with the housework, and I didn't mind doing it all when she was working, but now I wish she would help just a little.

I find it hard work sometimes to get all the chores done with a toddler running around, but she NEVER offers to watch her for me at all, even though she is just sitting there all day. I could never ask her to babysit as DD wouldn't be safe with her, so DH and I never go anywhere on our own.

I took her to a family 'do' in the summer (at her request), DH couldn't come due to work. Everyone else in the family has help from the Grandparents with their kids, playing with them etc.....but not my Mum. She gets me to wait on her! I was struggling to feed my DD a jacket potato off of a paper plate, and trying to stop her pulling it on the floor, when my Mum says 'I thought you were going to get me some food!!'. Honestly, she didn't move from her chair in the three hours we were there.

We have to take her on holiday with us, as she has made it clear she would not stay in the house alone, and we have nobody to ask for help. Everythng revolves around her, and it gets me down.

About 3 times in the last 6 months, she has fallen on the floor in the evening(because she has too much to drink). Dh and I have to pick her up, and we struggle as she is so overweight. My DH has a very physical job , and is used to lifting, but she won't bend her knees, so we have a real job. She spent the next day crying.......for herself, as she said 'what if I had been here on my own?, I wouldn't have been able to get up!' She doesn't seem to think about the fact that if my DH hurt his back, then we would not be able to feed our kids!
I hate it, and it makes me worry even more that we will never be able to go away without her. We need time together with the kids on our own.

My Mum is on anti depressants, and has been for years, but they make no difference. She doesn't see that she has a problem, and thinks that the way she lives is normal.

I am scared for the future. I don't know what will happen. She is only 67, but is getting worse by the day. I love her, but I have never known anyone to be this lazy, and I think she is being quite selfish.

So AIBU? Is this normal behaviour for a woman of her age?

"She dropped a whole bottle of lemonade on the floor the other day, and just stood there not knowing what to do!
I said you'll have to get the mop for that, and she said she didn't know how! I had to show her how to wring it out, as she didn't know you have to twist it! She said she's never had to do it before."

But however lazy your mum may have become over the last few years, surely at some point in your childhood (at least) she must have had to clean up spillages/known how to use a mop? Have you considered that she may have an early form of dementia?

OP, I think you really do need to have a talk with your mum's GP about the whole situation. And also try to find a way to hire a carer to look after her, even for a weekend, to give you and DH a break while you step back and think about what's best to do for all of you.

I wish you lots of luck.

I second the person who said go and see your/her doctor about her?

Who does she keep falling? You get get a career type thing come in, maybe you could do that while your away?

You should try and go in holiday soon...because your eldest soon won't want to away with family!

OP i think you really dont want to fix this then - you can't talk to her, don't think she'll change, and won't do something about it.

What exactly did you expect to achieve by posting?

harsh sorry. but you need to work up the nerve to tackle this or you will be living this life for many many years and will miss your children's childhoods. i think you are asking for help by posting about his, but you already know what you need to do. you need the resolve to do it. woman up and get on with it!

My grandfather had dementia for the last few years of his life.
He was fine right up to the point when my grandmother died and he decided he wanted to move closer to my uncle. At that point he fell apart very quickly and within months was in a nursing home unable to live independently.

We always felt that he wasn't aware of a problem (none of us were) because everything around him was familiar and he had all his little routines. Once he lost his wife and also his daily routines there was nothing left to anchor him.

Perhaps your DM has some underlying problem which has been exacerbated by the loss of your DF and her retirement. I really think you should go and talk to your GP, and also look into what financial and practical support is available to you as her full-time carer.

I am wondering who it was that taught you tp use a mop. What was she like when you were growing up? Did she clean and tidy then? If she has always been like this, then it will be hard to get her to change, but if she hasn't, then I would be very worried about what is going on to make her 'forget' how to use a mop.

She sounds like my mum used to be. I always felt like parenting was a struggle for her. My memories of her as a child were her sat in front of the TV with a glass of wine in her hand.
I never would have moved in with her because I knew the consequences would have been terrible on me. Selfish though that seems. In her 60s my mums stated with dementia and Parkinson's and luckily I have brothers so we found a care home for her.
You will not be able to change her now. She sounds like this has gone on too long. I'm afraid you need to put your children first here and find your mum some extra care housing accommodation ( she would be a tenant but have care staff go in if it was required). Look at anchor housing, Joseph Rowntree, MHA? You have to do it now or the only option will be a care home.

Hi fluffypillow,
It comes across to me that you have an overwhelming sense of responibilty towards your mum that really reminds me of my dhs towards his dad.

From an outsiders perspective it is really hard to understand why someone would have put up with this for so loong but my dh and his sisters attitude to their dad is v similar.

Aftervyears of analysing it for my own sanity i have come to the conclusion that his behaviour throughout their childhood make him the central focus of the family and has made it impossible to behave in any other way towards him or they just feel too terrible.

It may well be worth sopeaking to gp in case there is dementia or other help etc, but if shes like my fil this is just the culmination ot a lifetime of selfishness..,...

So, in your situation i would suggest that you should focus primarily on how you can get family holidays on your own. Can she stay with someone else? Can a friend or relative stay? Or can you get an emergency alarm she could press if she had a fall?

I really feel for you, but i think you might benefit from more insightbinto why you let this situation be this way, maybe counselling for you would help?

I would also say that your children deserve to be put ahead of your mum. You have chosen to sacrifice alot of your life for her, they have no choice in this. I think it is you being selfish if you put your feeling of responsibility towards your mum ahead of your dcs right to live a full and normal family life.

I have fought not to let my dh do that with our kids but i will forever judge the way dhs sister has sacrificed her sons life to run around like a blue arsed fly for her father........

Sorry, one more thought -if you post in relationships you might get more helpful advice than in aibu

The way I see it is that there are two options - leave or stay. Either way there will be pain and fall out, but you do need to make a decision and only you and your DH can make it.

I think you should go to Florida, no question, and make arrangements on the basis that someone is taking care of the dogs (in reality, they could also keep an eye on your DM). It would probably do both of you good to have some time apart and give you a clearer focus on the situation.

it is tiring having young children but I do not really see why you think that your DM should have to share the responsibility for caring for them (although I agree that it would be nice if she wanted to). She owns half the house and has the right to be there, neither of you have the right to dictate terms. It either works out or it doesn't.

Why can't you live somewhere else - is it because you could only afford to live somewhere smaller/inferior with half the capital - in which case you are using her/her money to an extent - or because you are genuinely putting her interests first?

You are an adult now, she is a free agent - free to be on her laptop all day, get drunk, eat with the family or alone, stay in or go out, watch tv etc. She is not your responsibility and you are not hers. She is not your child who you can send to the naughty step if she doesn't fit in with your rules/expectations. I think it is unfair of you to criticise her in relation to her job, as it sounds as though she was good at it - managers are supposed to delegate!

We would all like the doting granny whose life revolves entirely around their DG - but you cannot necessarily expect or demand it.

Sorry if this sounds harsh.

OP you are an enabler for your mother as you allow her to refuse to pitch in with the housework.
You need to ask her what chores she will take on. If she doesn't help then don't do chores for her for a bit eg don't cook her dinner.
Let her know that if she is not willing to take on some responsibility while she has the physical capability to do so then living together cannot continue and she needs to consider other options eg sheltered housing.

You are enabling her to behave as a dependent and this is no kindness to her at all imo. No wonder she is depressed and drinks too much.

This sounds like my relationship with my mum.

Its a very very long story but after one particularly bad drunk night where she went out and walked the streets at 3am because apparently I didn't love her I decided enough was enough and after me and dh stayed up till 5am comforting her etc I decided we needed to buy her out of the house and her live in her own (I never ever thought I could or would suggest that, we had always always lived togetherand I'm 32) !!!

She was and is on anti depressants and basically her life is terrible etc so she says and yes I do feel bad but ultimately she is not my responsibility. I have a responsibility to my children first and foremost.

Ironically her moving out has given her a bit of a kick and she now has a part time job and is meeting new people, something she wouldn't have done if we all still lived together.

Like you we felt trapped and wouldn't go away on our own.. one day we went out unexpectedly and she cried because we didn't tell her!! You just have to be firm and make boundar ies.

It is sad she is sad for your dad. But you can help her without her living with you and she needs to take back some control and get some help if necessary.

Sorry fluffy - I also think that you are being an enabler. She had a responsible job for many years ? Yet now, she's sunk in a comfortable sea of internet, telly and booze, all funded by her pension(s) ? Be hanged to depression - there comes a point where that can become self indulgence.

By the way - how is she getting this booze? If, as I suspect, she's driving to the shops to stock up (your OP) then are you turning a blind eye to her likely driving over the limit? I'd remove the car keys from her if so.

You need to talk to a professional on this - such as your doctor. Who can refer you to the appropriate professional in local mental health.

Sorry - it's early and I have to go. Will be back later to read the thread in more depth.

What do your children think of this set up?

Are they happy and fulfilled?

What do you think the long term effectson them will be?

Sorry, but I agree. You're letting her get away with all this, and rejecting every suggestion people make as to how you could tackle this.

Please see your own doctor and listen to his/her advice.

OK - read the thread a little more now.

Fluffy

I would imagine that she is an alcoholic. (If so, the ADs will merely compound the situation.) She's so lazy that she can't move from her chair and yet she manages to haul herself up and drive to the shops regularly? That sounds like 'desperate for booze' to me - allied with the typical cover up of the amount she's actually consuming ?

One thing you need to find out before you seek professional help is how much she's actually drinking and what (eg spirits, wine and so on. I'd guess spirits.)

Be sneaky and check her room(s) when she's not there - because if she's a covert alcoholic, she'll be sneaky too. Backs of cupboards, drawers under clothes, under the bed and so on. Look for full and empties. (You should check the rubbish and recycling bins for empties but if she's in the habit of covering up, she may well be keeping them for disposal in public bins when she goes to the shop.) If she's an alcoholic, she'll have habitual places so once you've found them you'll be able to keep going back to them to check.

I'd also try to get sight of her checking accounts and cc accounts if possible to see how much is going and to whom. That's a good indication as well.

Sorry to be so harsh but I've been there.

By the way, I trust she doesn't smoke? Even if not, I have to say that I'd be reluctant to leave her in the house alone, for any extended period, with stoves to cook on. (Fire.)

In your shoes I would be looking to move out as fast as possible, the pros of living where you are are massively outweighed by the cons. You deserve to live your own life and intolerably inadequate parents are so much easier to deal with when you only see them once or twice a year.

You need to deal with this right now, or she is going to make the rest of her life a misery for you.

This story has struck a big chord with me as I am currently trying to help an old business partner of mine negotiate the complete wreckage of her professional life after everything was put on hold because of her mother and her all-encompassing problems. Her business is in a mess, her health is terrible, her marriage is strained and she is on the verge of a complete breakdown. When I found out that her mother had died recently I'm afraid my only thought was "Thank goodness she can start to put her life back together now."

Her mother dominated and controlled her throughout her teens and early adulthood and she did incredibly well to break away from her and start her own life. Throughout her adult life she was expected to drop absolutely everything to run and deal with anything her mother and another family member didn't fancy dealing with - which was pretty much anything more complicated than getting dressed, eating and washing. They were never, ever grateful - they just criticised her for not doing more.

They fell out a few years ago after she refused to do something completely irrational that her mother wanted. Her mother and the other family member stopped speaking to her and refused to answer the phone or door to her. The only contact was occasional written demands for her to sort out paperwork or pay bills for them.

A couple of years ago her mother lost her home in entirely avoidable circumstances. She had to take them into her home while they looked for a new house. She had over a year of utter hell, living with two people who would not lift a finger, gave her constant grief and got themselves into ridiculous situations from which she had to rescue them. They eventually found a house (they had compensation from the situation with the old house) which they insisted that she contributed to financially, despite them having money to cover it. They then moved in (about 2 hours drive away) and carried on demanding that she came and sorted everything out for them.

A few weeks ago she found out that her mother was dying. She refused to go into a hostel or to have nurses in and the other family member refused to care for her. She had to travel there every single day to wash and feed her mother, while trying to run a business. Her mother died without uttering a single word of recognition for everything she did for her. Her last coherent words to her were criticism.

If you want this to be you then carry on as you are.

Fluffie - wow I really, really feel for you. Your mother is a piece of work and then some.

Yes she's grieving, yes she's depressed, yes she has a drink problem BUT you have done everything you possibly can to help her, talk to her, support her, appeal to her.

She is choosing to live the way she does and to not see that the impact she's having on you and her own grandchildren is catastrophic. How dreadfully selfish!!

I do NOT think you have to learn to live with this as you say! If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your kids. They don't deserve this woman - who is a terrible role model - holding them back and making their mother a wrung out rag.

You have to be strong, get tough, get ruthless and move out of this house.

You might find that when she is not being carried and enabled she actually has to pull her finger out and make a life for herself - with your help to get her some outside support.

Cozie - with respect what on earth would be the point of snooping around to find bottles? OP knows she's a drinker and is generally in terrible health physically and mentally. It's neither here nor there whether she is medically an alcoholic.

ps I have a toxic mother (it's a very, very long story) who luckily for me is a) currently in good-ish health and b) I have learned to manage and hold at arm's length while still supporting her. It took years of help from my dh (and a year of therapy about 10 years ago) to get to the point of not allowing her to manipulate me.

To put it another way... what incentive does your mother have to do anything when she has you doing everything for her? It's a bit like a teenager really. Sometimes you need to push them out of the nest to make them fly.

Proudnscary

Drinking two or three bottles of wine a week and seeming inebriated is one thing. Drinking nine or 10 bottles of vodka a week is something else entirely. I think that if the OP is seeking professional help, of whatever description, knowing the extent of the problem is going to be important. If the OP's mother is a true alcoholic, that can eclipse other problems that the mother may have and the professionals will likely want to deal with that specifically.

Maybe but what will the professionals actually do? Most alcoholics don't get specific help or support you know.

I think all the other issues and the fact that this woman has always been selfish and useless eclipse a drink problem. I think trying to ascertain what she is or isn't drinking is just more stress for OP.

I am actually advocating removing herself from her toxic mother to get away from her and her problems - whatever the fuck they are. This woman is actually ruining OP's and OP's children's lives and enough is enough.

Oh yes - sadly, I do know it. And there's no incentive for this woman in particular to refer herself. If she is an alcoholic, she has booze, income to pay for it and a house which she doesn't need to fund; and no job to impose other obligations.

Removing herself and family is, of course, an option for the OP but reading the thread, I don't think she's going to wear that one even if she could afford it. Do you?

No I don't think she's going to 'wear that one' cozie. I totally agree with all of your above post. I feel so bad for OP and her kids. I think that when a parent is this spectacularly selfish, their adult children cannot see the wood for the trees and are brainwashed into thinking it's their life's work to support these dreadful people.