My Mums laziness is driving me nuts

[fluffypillow]

This can't be normal behaviour.

Bit of background..........I am happily married (20yrs) with 3 children 15, 10 and 22 months.

We have always lived with my parents, and it worked out well until recently.

My gorgeous Dad died suddenly nearly two years ago. It was a week before christmas, and two weeks before our beautiful Daughter was born. As you can imagine, it was a very difficult time.

My Mum then retired 6 months later. Again, a time of adjustment for us all. I am a SAHM, and my DH works from home, so suddenly we were all at home together all day, every day.

Now, heres the thing, my Mum has always been a 'can't do' kind of person. She has a huge list of hang up/phobias which constantly limit the rest of the family (DH, the children and I).

She has always been the kind of person to avoid physical activity of any kind, but recently it has got to the stage where it is really worrying.

She gets up at 11am every day, makes breakfast, then goes on her laptop in front of the TV for the rest of the day. She only moves when she needs the toilet. Sometimes she will drive to the shop, and is gone for about 30mins.

My DH is the cook in our house, and he serves dinner to her every day.

She has never helped with the housework, and I didn't mind doing it all when she was working, but now I wish she would help just a little.

I find it hard work sometimes to get all the chores done with a toddler running around, but she NEVER offers to watch her for me at all, even though she is just sitting there all day. I could never ask her to babysit as DD wouldn't be safe with her, so DH and I never go anywhere on our own.

I took her to a family 'do' in the summer (at her request), DH couldn't come due to work. Everyone else in the family has help from the Grandparents with their kids, playing with them etc.....but not my Mum. She gets me to wait on her! I was struggling to feed my DD a jacket potato off of a paper plate, and trying to stop her pulling it on the floor, when my Mum says 'I thought you were going to get me some food!!'. Honestly, she didn't move from her chair in the three hours we were there.

We have to take her on holiday with us, as she has made it clear she would not stay in the house alone, and we have nobody to ask for help. Everythng revolves around her, and it gets me down.

About 3 times in the last 6 months, she has fallen on the floor in the evening(because she has too much to drink). Dh and I have to pick her up, and we struggle as she is so overweight. My DH has a very physical job , and is used to lifting, but she won't bend her knees, so we have a real job. She spent the next day crying.......for herself, as she said 'what if I had been here on my own?, I wouldn't have been able to get up!' She doesn't seem to think about the fact that if my DH hurt his back, then we would not be able to feed our kids!
I hate it, and it makes me worry even more that we will never be able to go away without her. We need time together with the kids on our own.

My Mum is on anti depressants, and has been for years, but they make no difference. She doesn't see that she has a problem, and thinks that the way she lives is normal.

I am scared for the future. I don't know what will happen. She is only 67, but is getting worse by the day. I love her, but I have never known anyone to be this lazy, and I think she is being quite selfish.

So AIBU? Is this normal behaviour for a woman of her age?

Four litres of whiskey is around 160 units of alcohol. That's 20-odd units a day. Plus the lager of course.

Women are recommended to not drink more than 14 units a week. You mother is drinking considerably more than that every day. More than 35 units a week on a regular basis is considered a significant warning sign of alcohol problems. Your mother is doing nearly five times that. And that's not including the lager on top.

Which leads us to some very sad but very important conclusions. First, there's not enough time for her to sober up over night before she's getting stuck into the booze again. Which means she wakes up half-drunk and just gets drunker. She's not so much lazy as too pissed to move.

She's a drink-driving conviction (or much, much worse) waiting to happen. I would seriously consider having a talk to the local police and asking them to catch her the next time she's out in her car. She's a menace. It's a good thing she's uninterested in baby-sitting for you, she's a danger to herself and others.

Second, she's drinking enough that she'll likely need medical help to safely detox. Alcohol withdrawal symptoms can be severe and potentially fatal. She'll also need long-term help to keep off the booze. That is assuming, of course, that she wants to stop. She quite likely doesn't in which case there is nothing you can do to force her.

Third, her ADs are worthless. There's no way they'll be able to counter-act this amount of booze.

Fourth, I assume her doctor has no idea what her real alcohol intake is. He/she should be told.

And finally, any other issues she might have with depression etc will be utterly untreatable until she stops drinking and has had some time sober.

Is she an alcoholic? Without question. I'm really sorry. You may find Al-Anon, the friends and family off-shoot of Alcoholics Anonymous, really helpful. Melody Beattie's book "Codependent No More" is also well worth reading.

How long has she drunk like this?

You sound like you've been there too, Snorbs.

Snorbs is on the money. (I'm a recovering alcoholic.) There is no incentive whatsoever for her to stop at the moment.

She certainly won't countenance something like going into a respite home while you're on holiday, because she won't be able to get her hands on the booze. Sounds silly, but I can guarantee you it's true.

I think it's also true that her apparent idleness is much more to do with alcohol than with depression. She is drinking a huge amount, honestly.

Really good post, Snorbs.

Op, i think you should have your hols. It's ages away to asks tell her someone else will come and help and to arrange that. I agree she is an adult in her own home too as dolcetta already said , as you are. I don't think moving will help, just add to your stress tbh. Agree you are lucky she isn't wanting to get involved with your dc if she is lurching about.

That level of boozing will mean her days are numbered anyway, sorry to be direct. Did she go out much when her dh was alive, where are her friends if she has lived there so long? Can you see any of them to get them over? And whatvs she doing online all the time, can you look? She must miss your dd like mad and escaping from it ( reality)

I think you sound a lovely person, as does your dh, but you must live your life. Maybe look at hiring a companion for her, she has savings I assume?

Also, stop clearing up after her in her part of the house, ask her to get a cleaner, out of her money as you are really busy with work or whatever. She won"t mind, you are delegating...

she can't move her mother out of a house her mother half owns

But she could force a sale presumably if her dm refused to live elsewhere.
OP you are prioritising your dm above your dp and dc which is just wrong imo.

What would happen if you told her that her behaviour is making living with her intolerable and you want to sell ? Would she buck her ideas up a bit?

I would seriously try and force a sale as my previous posts. I can't emphasise enough how much more relaxed I feel not living with my controlling alcoholic mother for the first time in 32 years..

Really sorry but you need to confiscate her car keys as a matter of urgency. She is drunk every time she drives. It doesn't matter if she is just going round the corner or down the M1 she must not drive.

Whether you can change any of the rest of her behaviour is another matter - getting away on holiday with her in a care home may be the best you can hope for.

Taking her to the GP may not change her behaviour (in family terms she seems to be something of an overgrown child) but he could back you about the driving. And if a doctor knows someone is continuing to drive against medical advice they are obliged to inform the DVLA.

You must do this - how would you feel if she hurt or possibly killed someone while drunk driving?

I think one of the important things, fluffy, might just be to use the 'A' word to your mother rather than beat around the bush.

Thank you everyone .

My Mum has drunk to this level for as long as I can remember. Any excuse for a drink tbh. I hate going on holiday with her, as she hits it even more.

It's only ever in the evening, she starts about 9pm, not earlier as she admitted before that if she starts earlier, she can't stop. The larger is not every day, but if she has it, it is a can or two at lunchtime. She usually drives to the shop at about 4pm, would she still be over the limit at this time?

I have tried everything in the past to stop her drinking, or at least get her to cut down, but nothing works. My Dad was always on her case too, so it's not something that has happened since he died.

If I get too harsh with her, she seems to 'crumble' a bit more. She seems very fragile mentally and I end up feeling guilty.

She's got a couple of friends, but she doesn't see them that much.

I have made a decision though today. I booked a weeks holiday to center parcs for the Feb half term, just DH, the kids and I AND I have told her! It was really hard because she normally comes with us, but I just said casually 'oh Mum, you know you said you wouldn't want to stay in the house on your own if we went away, well it's not until Feb, but we're going away for a week, so if you want to ask someone to stay, then you have time to arrange it'. To my surprise she was ok with it. So now I am just hoping she will be able to find someone to stay.

I feel so excited at the thought of it being just us for a week. DH is pleased too. We decided we have to stick to this, as it will only get harder. She needs to know that we are going to do this from time to time. We so want to take DD to Florida when she is older, as the boys have been, and we would never do it if we don't get tougher. I feel mean on her, but the children come first, and I want them to remember lovely relaxed family holidays, not their Mum being constantly stressed out.

We are taking her away with us next week for 5 days, that has been booked for ages, so it's not like she won't get a holiday. I can now get through that break with her, as I know I've got our family holiday to look forward to in Feb.

Thank you for all your advice. It really has been helpful to hear other peoples views on this. It has given me the push to book our family break, and we will go ahead with it, no matter what, we have to.

I understand those who have told me to move away, but it really isn't something we would do, right or wrong. I think we have to make the best of a bad situation, and find small ways to make a difference.

I am going to have another think about how to tackle her drinking, as I know this is really the route of her problems. It's hard involving professionals though, when she won't admit her problem.

I do love her, and feel sorry for her that she has lost my dad, it must be so lonely. It's just that she is making day to day life more difficult than it needs to be for us all, and she doesn't see it.

Thanks again for taking the time to post, you're all amazing xxx

fluffypillow, I'm glad that you've booked a holiday for yourself, DH and the DC, and I hope you all have a great time.

I understand that you feel right now that you can't just move away from your mum, however much your head might tell you that's the rational thing to do. But please don't just push this thought away completely. Do continue to think about it (and to talk to your DH about it) as a real possibility, even if it's not right for you just now.

If your mum is drinking 4 litres of whisky a week that you know of (remember she may be drinking more that you don't know about), that's more than half a litre a day, which is (as Snorbs says) at least 20 units a day. As for if she's fit to drive at 4pm - I think it takes about an hour for the body to process a unit of alcohol. So 20 units would take her body about 20 hours to process. If she stops drinking at midnight, by 4pm she will have processed 16 units, i.e. she'll have 4 units left in her system, which I think is on the edge of what's legal for driving (I'm not a driver!). Of course, if she drinks past midnight, and/or drinks more than 20 units up till then, by 4pm she will actually be over the limit.

I think a 'Lifeline' emergency alarm round her neck or wrist is a good idea for when you are away, or indeed just out of the house.

I know your mum's GP obviously can't breach her confidentiality by discussing her with you. But I think it's a good idea to set down in writing your concerns about your mum (e.g. ADs + alcohol) and send that letter to the GP. Then at least your GP has your take on the situation to refer to.

I wish you and your family all the best. Most of all, please believe that you, DH and DC really do deserve that holiday you're going to have!

Your mum is an alcoholic.

She is probably driving over the limit. Four litres of whiskey a week plus a top up of lager at lunchtime (which isn't too long from when she wakes up at 11 after all...) means she has a constant level of alcohol in her system.

You are enabling every single aspect of her behaviour that is driving you cuckoo.

You need to go to AlAnon for families and talk with people there. You need to disengage from her, stop feeling responsible for her, and stop feeling guilty. You cannot tackle her drinking. You didn't cause it and you can't cure it. You can only help yourself. Go to AlAnon. You have said many things here that indicate you are a classic child of an alcoholic. It has taken a toll on you and to set better boundaries between you and your mother, to have a freer life and be a better parent as well, you need to seek help for yourself.

She is not capable of babysitting your children. They would not be safe with her. She is having a damaging effect on your children This is not a healthy situation to be exposing them to.

I think if your mum takes ad's and drinks that cocktail may be lethal, she may have serious liver damage.
You should talk to her GP in confidence and ask for a full check up for her before she gets very unwell.
4 liters of whiskey makes 160 units of 40% alcohol which would be around 23 units/day
in my opinion - thats A LOT
that well is over 0.5 l a day

her lack of involvement in family life comes out of being an alcoholic, according to my SIL there are more and more elderly people abusing alcohol like that but it is really not new phenomenon, just no one talked about it before

if she complains about foot pain - my FIL who also drinks a lot suffers from that, he can's walk without a stick now, his daughter , my SIL who is a GP told me that this is one of effects of alcoholism in old age, she may have more falls in the future due to that problem

I was the same as you and always swore I would never ever live without my mum. I posted on forums like this about it and got similar replies to you now saying I should move and I always said no I couldn't do it. Until a year ago something just snapped. You only get one life and I didn't want to live the rest of mine like that.

Your mum is not ill. She is a drunk. By being there for her and not forcing her to have to look after herself you are allowing her to carry on like that. She is 67 not 87. She can have an emergency button. She should be getting out and meeting people. My mum too said clubs are for people without families ! It's all guilt tripping. She's now working and on a dating site - because she HAS to otherwise she does nothing and is on her own.

My mum lives ten minutes away so not far but I don't have to worry about going to bed and having her fall over or swear at me because she has drunk too much whisky. I still ring her everyday to make sure she is ok. We see each other twice a week generally.

I would also report her next time she is out driving as she will be over the limit. Dh took my mum's keys away and we sold her car we were that angry about it.

Also everyone is very well meaning saying go to the GP etc but if she's anything like my mum she won't take a bit of notice of their advice. My mum knows she drinks too much. She knows how bad it is and she doesn't care. She knows she's depressed and taking anti depressants with alcohol is bad but she doesn't give a toss.

No amount of giving it a label or talking to a gp would have made a difference in my situation... do you think it will in yours?

It just might.

I hear everything you say and I agree totally that many alcoholics don't give a toss as long as they can drink. The OP and her family may just be shadows dancing at the back of the stage to the OP's mum and her most significant (possibly only ) valid relationship is probably with the amber liquid.

Also, it's likely, in fact, that the OP's mother simply didn't register that they were going away for a holiday - or if she did, couldn't care because it was a bit away and anyway, who minds as long as she has sufficient supplies.

Nonetheless - she's a very sick woman, both mentally and - likely - physically. Sometimes, alcoholics do a job of covering up (I'll lay good odds, for instance, that the lunch that the OP's DH is cooking for her is being scraped cold down the loo every day) and having the matter out in the open can be a first step.

Most importantly, it's a first step for the OP. Alcoholism affects the whole family circle and it's not just fluffy's mum that's the difficulty here but fluffy's own life and family.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense - it's still early here.

The situation sounds v difficult, but a holiday isn't going to scratch the surface of improving things.

You and your DH are enabling and exposing your DC to her alcoholism. Your lives are all more difficult because of your choice to remain living with her. You probably can't help your DM much, but only decide, with your DH, what you want for yourselves and your DC.

It sounds bad now, but it could well get much, much worse in the future, eg if she develops serious health problems and requires care for years and years. An alcoholic member of our family has recently had a serious stroke at 67.

Someone on another thread told me that children of alcoholics often have fear, guilt, obligation, and worry and try to protect the alcoholic (who seems fragile or likely to cut them off if they protest), rather than themselves and their family. Seems relevant here.

Fluffy you sound lovely. But you also sound like a daughter whose selfish, alcoholic parent has done the mother (pun intended) of all numbers on you.

You CAN move away. You CAN live your life free of her dreadful, life-sucking behaviour. But over many years she has taught you that is simply impossible.

She is 67 and a drunk. Not 87 and disabled through no choice of her own. My mum is 67 too! She plays tennis, golf, has friends, goes on trips abroad, babysits the kids all the time (she is also a gigantic pain in the butt with guilt trippy tendencies and I have learned to manage them).

I do have sympathy with alcoholics I truly do (partly as I struggle to limit my own limits to under 35 units as it can be an issue for me!). But she is an adult and it is not your job (certainly not any more after years of trying) to sort her out and try and get help for her that she will undoubtedly throw back in your face or reject.

But I do NOT have sympathy for a mother who does not love her daughter unconditionally and will not let her live her life free of guilt, shackles and stress.

Also... if you can leave her for a week you can leave her on her own. For good.

And I really think posters urging OP to get her help for her drinking are barking up the wrong tree.

I don't even know this woman but I know she will not accept help and will sabotage all efforts to get her it. It will be a monumental waste of time and add more stress to her already unbearably stressful existence.

This is the time to say 'enough'.

Her mum is not a frail, good hearted, loving mother - she's not even old! - who deserves some help and care in her old age. She is someone who is robbing her own child of a good, peaceful life.

She does nothing positive for her daughter or her grandchildren - nothing. At. All.

I guarantee she will magically find a way to exist without OP.

I may have understood.

You own half the house & have paid bills to live there-but never a mortgage?

So what is to stop you getting a mortgage/renting & moving out?

In some ways the leaving people parts of the house seems to have essentially trapped them there!

Completely agree with proud.

Well done for booking a holiday, you and your family deserve it!

Fluffy, I'm sorry but what I'm going to write now feels harsh, but it is the truth..... the human body starts to "deal" with alcohol 30 minutes after the first drink. It then absorbs roughly 1 unit per hour. The legal limit for a woman driving is 3 units. So your mom is drink driving every single time she goes out.

I think you need to have a long hard think about how you will feel when she has an accident and seriously injures herself or some poor innocent person? Because, unfortunately, she will, sooner or later do this.