to want to drop a foreign friend?

[livingintheeast]

Firstly let me get one thing straight - I am not a rascist and I have a foreign mother (a genuine one not one of those that people sometimes invent just to prove how PC they are). It is a real bugbear of mine that my foreign friend will constantly talk to her lo in their mother tongue. They are both perfectly capable of speaking english - the mother talks to me/my lo in english and the lo talks to me/my lo in english. Personally I find it blooming rude and so irriatating that I'm not sure I want to be around them much at all. Even my lo has resorted to asking me (in her 2.5 year old way) what they are saying - and I don't have a clue! I know my friend wants her lo (also 2.5) to know her mother tongue but surely on a playdate, with english people etc it's just common courtesy to speak in english. AIBU?

I think, in the example you raise, YANBU. I am in the minority in our group of friends in having English as a first language and when we are together (as we live in England) everyone speaks English. The children are bilingual and when at home the parents only speak the respective languages but when we are together they speak a mixture - enough so that I and the others who don't speak their language can understand what's going on if we are part of the conversation. When they are talking to each other on the other side of the table/room and I am talking to someone else of course they use their native language.

Especially when you are such a small gathering (2 adults, 2 children) it's rude to exclude half the people there.

When I say "3-way conversation", what I mean is - I speak to him and creche leader in English, creche leader talks to him in local language, she never speaks to him directly in English.

YABU It is, as many above have said, important that the parent speaks to the child in the home language. Others commenting on rudeness above are nearly all referring to communications between adults as their examples and that's very relevant, as those adults will probably have a strong command of both languages. And I assume that when your friend is talking directly to you she does speak English so other points, ie. from Alisvolatpropiis, miss the point too.

YANBU. It's rude to whisper when you are in the company of others, and I don't think this is any different.

I had a foreign friend who would chat away to me in English when we were on our own, but if her foreign friends were there, they would chat away in their language, and I was left feeling like a lemon . I don't see her anymore, I think it's disrespectful.

honeytea Can I pick your brain about something? My son is expanding his vocabulary and e.g., says "boom" which means tree - I don't want to say "no", so I just say "that's right, it's a tree". Am I on the right path?

*Just to add, if the kid is only 2.5 it is even more important that their mother speaks only their native language as they are only really acquiring the language at that stage and it's unlikely the child is yet fluent in each language

Where have you learned this from?*

This is basic knowledge when bringing up bilingual children.

Theres two main ways of children becoming bi-lingual. There's the way which is most popular, which my auntie did where in the home the 'other' language is spoken, and in the community and school the country language is spoken.
Personally if I were ever to do it it would be that option.

There's also the 'one parent one language' where one parent speaks the home tongue, one the mother tongue. Which would prove impossible for a single parent family, and makes social situations for the mother tongue speaker more complicated

Ghostship, I have two bilingual children so that's my own experience. Neither of them could form proper sentences at that age and everything I read on bringing up bilingual children stressed the importance of one person one language, especially with small children.

YABU in your attitude.

Generally speaking, it is polite to speak in a language that all people present understand. With a school age child, I'd expect the mother to speak English. But with a toddler of course it is reasonable for her to speak in her native language.

That said, I would reduce the time you spend with her. It doesn't sound as if you like her much, so you'd both be better off building more genuine friendships.

YABU. I have several friends who did this when their dc were younger. We had long conversations when all our dc were born on how best they could teach their dc how to speak their mothers language. Both their children now speak both languages fluently. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it at all. Nothing. Do you think you friend is gossiping with her 2 yr old about you?

sorry crossed posts there honeytea, that wasn't in reply to yours

Erm YABU. I have a Spanish friend who speaks Spanish to her DC when in my company, it's never occurred to me to be bothered by it, it's just part of bi-lingualism.

YANBU. If she wants to talk in another language, fine but she should also translate for you. Does she not realise that when more than two people are in company any conversation belongs to everyone?
She is excluding you which is rude.

Dolomites that sounds like the ideal thing to say, maybe you could say "can you say tree?" also possibly break down the word so you could say "lets say tr-tr-tr tr-eeee." Also you could make up a little song about the tree. Boom is a cool word for tree!

One more thought - I have several friends who have done this with their toddlers and it has been a good way for me to learn a few (extra) words of their languages - because their speech is aimed at a toddler it can be easier to follow than adult conversation.

Sorry, but YABU: as people have said, she needs to do it.

But I think she would have been more polite to have explained to you or quickly commented on why she is doing it. My DB and his wife speak in a foreign language to their DD, and my DH speaks in a different one to his parents, but we are all always careful to let people around us know why we're doing this even if we only say quickly 'so and so doesn't speak English' or 'SIL speaks German to DN so she can learn it'.

I doubt a toddler living over here is going to struggle to learn English, but they might struggle to learn the mum's language, so it is more important.

YABU. It is hard not to use your mother tongue when talking with your child - it just doesn't feel right. We have been advised against mixing the languages we speak to the kids. DH and I use OPOL with my two and it hasn't always been easy.

I wonder, how many of the YANBU camp on here have brought up bilingual children?

Yabu! I have 2 friends who are raising their children to be bilingual - one speaks English to her son in Italy, the other speaks Afrikaans to her daughter in England - as others have aleady said, this is just how it is done. My South African friend's daughter is 4 now and fluent in English, so she just speaks English to us now and Afrikaans at home ( both parents are South African), so it only a relatively short term thing.

Firstly thank you to those who replied constructively and without personal insult. I had never thought about OPOL or the other bilingual techniques parents use and I embrace and applaud parents wanting to do the best for their kids (don't we all?). I love kids and involving them in conversation and when we're sitting around having lunch it is impossible to have a conversation because there are always 2 separate ones going on. Thinking about it, maybe it's probably a bigger issue about our friendship in general.

YABVU!

YWNBU if two adults were speaking language A in the presence of somebody who only speaks B, when all three speak B, but this is completely different: it is a small child whose language ability is still developing and for whom it is important to have as much exposure to the minority language as possible. And yes, it is unreasonable to expect them to switch languages for your convenience: a few hours at a play date with you, then another play date, then the toddler classes, the English family, the shops... If they switched to English every time somebody is present who does not speak their language the child would not get enough exposure to the minority language.

OPOL means "one parent one language" and is the most commonly practised method for raising a bilingual child. DS is seeing a speech and language therapist and the first thing all three specialists said is "make sure you always speak your home language to him".

TBH I am stunned at your attitude in this day and age. Are you monolingual? Is your "foreign friend" the only person you know who is raising children bilingually?

OP just wondering are you bilingual in Spanish and English yourself?

Do you not find with little ones there are always two or more conversations going on anyway? Perhaps it is to do with me not having children but to be honest, I find that if I am with friends who have small children, I can't follow more than half of what toddlers are saying even if it's all in English!

Why would you consider breaking off a friendship over something so trivial? It is very important for a child learning a minority language to be exposed as much as possible. I have got foreign friends who speak languages that I don't understand. Couldn't care less if I can't understand what they are saying to their toddlers. I can normally understand from the context and if not, so what? Toddler chat is boring anyway.

Some people on here are saying that it's rude on the basis that adults shouldn't do this. Totally different situation.

YANBU
She is being very ignorant. Dump her, because if it irritates you now, believe me it always will.

I can understand that a parent might choose to use OPOL, but I agree with others who would find this rather rude in the situation described. Quite different if she had explained to you that this is what he is doing, but to just go ahead and converse in another language is rude. Not sue I would drop her without at least talking to her about it, though.