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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

DH AIBU re. Daughter

126 replies

Undersizedfuzzball · 29/10/2012 12:05

We have a beautiful DD aged 15months.

DH has said several times he wishes we didn't have her.

I suffered from PND and she went to the childminders a lot.

DH said if he had known I was going to get ill he never would of had her

It breaks my heart when he says things like this

Yes the road has been hard and we still have good bad days

OP posts:
YerMaw1989 · 29/10/2012 12:08

God that is awful

having kids is no easy road I would be having serious words with him.

was the baby planned out of curiosity?

Original poster
Undersizedfuzzball · 29/10/2012 12:09

Yes the baby was planned he even wanted more than 1

OP posts:
CogitoEerilySpooky · 29/10/2012 12:10

It's one thing to say that he regrets that you've been ill, it's quite unacceptable for a father to wish his own DD away. I'm not surprised you are heartbroken. What a horrible thing to say to a mother.

valiumredhead · 29/10/2012 12:11

I think people underestimate how hard it is on men to watch their partners go through childbirth and PND especially if they are hospitalised. Sounds like some family therapy would be beneficial.

MyLastDuchess · 29/10/2012 12:13

I think he probably needs to speak to someone if he really does feel that way. She will start to pick up on it soon. It's not good or healthy for him ( or you) either.

Perhaps he is also a bit depressed?

FellowshipOfFineFellows · 29/10/2012 12:14

Why should you feel Unreasonable? He's the unreasonable one here. Does he not know you can't a) send a baby back and b) help having PND.

You don't need to apologise for anything.

Sorry but he deserves a slap.

How is it your DDs fault?

I'd suggest get him to a Doctors, perhaps he has some form of male PND, it does happen.

Want to pass you a big hug now, you poor thing. Does he think voicing opinions like that are going to help with getting over PND? You need support, no matter how bad he feels, or shocked by it all.

WofflingOn · 29/10/2012 12:15

It sounds a horrible muddle, and he shouldn't be blaming you or your DD for the way things have turned out, but I have seen it happen before, and in most cases it has worked out well.
Were you happy and a strong couple that loved each other before the baby?
Did you both want a child?
Now the situation is difficult, and he's struggling to cope with the change, so he's saying tactless and nasty things like 'If I'd known you would get ill, I'd have made a different choice'
Counselling for both of you might help, he needs to move on from his resentment that the situation isn't how he thought it would be, and that he reality doesn't match the fantasy he may have had.
You could just leave him, as many other posters are likely to say, and he is being completely unreasonable and immature. But it depends if you and he want to see if your relationship, and your future as a family are possible.

MyLastDuchess · 29/10/2012 12:16

Also what valiumredhead said ... I didnt have PND but after seeing me have a serious post-partum haemorrhage both my DP and MIL were pretty traumatised (and MIL used to be a nurse!). DP was offered counselling afterwards. It is really hard for partners to feel so powerless to help someone they love.

DawnOfTheDee · 29/10/2012 12:18

Have you talked to your DH about how it makes you feel when he says this?

Agree with valiumredhead...think some therapy or counselling may be the way to go.

valiumredhead · 29/10/2012 12:19

and he is being completely unreasonable and immature

Or very frightened and powerless?

It's only 11 years on dh talks to me about how awful it was for him when I was ill -I had no idea as I was so poorly myself.

WofflingOn · 29/10/2012 12:20

I agree valium, he's probably scared and without people he can share those feelings with.

valiumredhead · 29/10/2012 12:23

I clearly remember telling my dad I thought I'd made a mistake having ds - I scared and in the throes of severe PND. Somehow it's ok for women to voice their feelings but not for the dads. I agree he could word it better but he probably just means he doesn't like the way things are atm - and you don't either, do you?

WofflingOn · 29/10/2012 12:23

My fault for poor phrasing!
I'm just so used to the MN kneejerk reaction of 'Give him a slap, kick him in the balls, leave the bastard' that to be posting on the main boards with people who seem to be reasonable and reflective about the OP's situation is too novel for me to get a handle on quickly. Smile

valiumredhead · 29/10/2012 12:23

was scared

thebody · 29/10/2012 12:25

I think you need to really talk about this, it's not a healthy attitude and he needs help.

I think for some men we underestimate the overwhelming sense of responsibility, loss of independence, fear and stress related to becoming a father and for you guys the added stress if you being ill may have tipped him into this stress.

He doesn't need a slap( imagine a perhaps seriously depressed woman getting that response on mumsnet!!) he needs counselling and help.

It is a horrible thing for him to say so I suggest if he was a happy bloke before this and the baby was wanted then he needs some help and support just like you did.

mutny · 29/10/2012 12:26

I suspect he needs some help. He is possibly depressed.
Calling him names isn't helping. Would people be calling a woman names in this situation? No they would be suggesting depression and/or getting some help.

ICBINEG · 29/10/2012 12:29

I have days when I wish my DD had never been born and days when I panic at the thought that anything could happen to her.

I tell my DH when I am feeling so low and to be honest it is a great relief to talk honestly about feelings such as this.

It is horrible to hear your other half say they wish the baby had not been born but I suspect keeping those feeling bottled up is even worse.

I think the answer is to talk about it a lot. Maybe he only feels that way occasionally. Maybe depression is a part of the picture. Maybe it is his way of saying he cares deeply about what you are suffering. There is really only one way to find out.

Again there is no reason you should not tell him how you are feeling about the situation, but I think asking people not to say certain things is usually counter productive.

Best wishes either way and I hope the clouds clear for you both as soon as possible.

ICBINEG · 29/10/2012 12:31

fellowship he deserves a slap and you think he might have pnd? Do you often cure depression with slapping?

I must try that...

CailinDana · 29/10/2012 12:32

Do you have any idea why he says these things OP? Is it because he is traumatised from seeing you go through PND or is it because he is pissed at having come second place for such a long time? The reason behind his feelings is important.

theQuibbler · 29/10/2012 12:32

Even if he is depressed and needs help - you still need to take care of yourself. And being depressed is not an excuse to be cruel to those around you.

Have you had help for your PND? Maybe you could suggest to him that he could go to his GP for help.

But you have done nothing wrong - you are not being U at all. It must be horrible to hear that your lovely DD is being wished away by her father who should love her the most.

Make sure that you take very, very good care of yourself as you continue to recover. I hope you have people around you that can support you as it doesn't sound as though that is coming from your DH.

squeakytoy · 29/10/2012 12:34

It sounds to me that he is just bad with words. He is probably very worried because you have been so ill, and is just not expressing himself very well.

valiumredhead · 29/10/2012 12:34

Tbh OP if you are the poster I think you are, from what you have posted about your dh he does sound like depression might the problem especially wrt to how much sleep he needs.

ICBINEG · 29/10/2012 12:34

fuck me the sexism on MN is ferocious.

BlueberryHill · 29/10/2012 12:36

I know someone in a similar position, his wife was diagnosed with an illness and they don't know if the pregnancy caused it. It is a rare illness and not much is known about it. At one point he really didn't want another child because he didn't want his wife to be ill again. He loves her very much and didn't want her to go through it again.

I don't think that your DH is being unreasonable, I think you both need help to work through this. He is talking to you honestly about how he feels, that must be difficult for him. I don't want this to sound as though I'm 'on his side', it is really difficult for you to hear this and I would be really hurt and upset if my DH said this to me. I think you both need some help and understanding.

RedHelenB · 29/10/2012 12:40

What matters is not what he says but how her acts. Does he interact well with the baby, does he love her?