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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH AIBU re. Daughter

126 replies

Undersizedfuzzball · 29/10/2012 12:05

We have a beautiful DD aged 15months.

DH has said several times he wishes we didn't have her.

I suffered from PND and she went to the childminders a lot.

DH said if he had known I was going to get ill he never would of had her

It breaks my heart when he says things like this

Yes the road has been hard and we still have good bad days

OP posts:

redwallday · 29/10/2012 14:21

I had PND and I can only imagine what that statement is doing to you. Your husband needs to realise the impact of his words. I understand his sentiment but to say that is simply awful. At the end of the day she is here now and needs to feel wanted and loved. You need to feel supported no matter what.

FellowshipOfFineFellows · 29/10/2012 14:22

Whatever I say valium, you'll find fault.

I said she wasn't be unreasonable as that was in the title to the thread.

I do think he's selfish, purely because I expect a guy to be protective.

Its not the same for a guy as for the lady, we have to carry the child, there are complex hormones involved. Its not nice for anyone to say it.

Has your DP ever had bouts of depression OP? Is it unusual for him to behave in that way? Any relationship issues previously?

valiumredhead · 29/10/2012 14:26

Honestly I'm not picking fault for the heck of it fellow but it's clear you know nothing about depression if that's the way you think.

And this shouldn't really be in Aibu

WofflingOn · 29/10/2012 14:30

'purely because I expect a guy to be protective.'

Does it not occur to you that he might be feeling the same way, but that he can't protect OP by removing the cause of her PND, because that is impossible?
That the expectation he should be able to man up and shoulder everything and know instinctively what to do is part of his anger and confused behaviour and inappropriate responses?
He wanted this baby too, and it has proved a lot harder than either of them expected. The question is what happens next?

FellowshipOfFineFellows · 29/10/2012 14:32

Excuse me Valium, actually, hows nervous breakdown after prem baby, nearly lost my family, and was seconds from being sectioned when my lovely and protective DP stepped in?

Ephiny · 29/10/2012 14:33

I don't think it's that awful a thing to say, if a bit badly phrased. The way he probably sees it, is that his desire for a child led to you becoming so ill and unhappy, and that if he'd known that, he would have done differently.

Of course he needs to find a way to accept things as they are, and of course your DD must never know about these thoughts. But I don't think it's all that wrong, or all that unusual, for a parent to feel regret and wonder if they did the wrong thing, especially when circumstances are especially difficult (illness, depression, special needs etc). And personally I would rather DH was honest and open with me so we could talk things through, rather than bottling it up.

valiumredhead · 29/10/2012 14:33

Aren't you lucky your dh wasn't depressed too then fellow? Imagine how hard it would've been then.

Ephiny · 29/10/2012 14:34

All this 'man up' and 'needs a slap' business is deeply unpleasant as well, especially as we're talking about someone with possible depression. I doubt many of you would say the same about a mother having the same thoughts.

FellowshipOfFineFellows · 29/10/2012 14:36

I think he was going through his own hard times, yes. Its hard watching your son in SCBU, and hard when they come home too. Big culture shock.

However, he put his issues aside and knew that, as I felt guilt at having giving birth early, my issues and problems were greater.

I'm sure lots of guys go through a transitional panicky phase, but to say he wishes she'd not been born is awful!

WofflingOn · 29/10/2012 14:36

That you were lucky not to be forced into the role of being the strong one, Fellowship. Or that you had options open to you that others didn't and don't.

valiumredhead · 29/10/2012 14:38

Imagine if someone had told you to 'put your issues aside' and 'man up and get on with things' fellow

WhoWhatWhereWhen · 29/10/2012 14:53

I'd like to add that the attitude that some people hold within society that men should just "man up" is one of the reasons more men commit suicide than women do, men feel like we have no one to turn to and getting help means we are weak.

FellowshipOfFineFellows · 29/10/2012 14:56

As I said, no matter what I say I'll be wrong.

OP good luck, sounds like you need it.

valiumredhead · 29/10/2012 14:57

Perhaps that's because everything you are saying is so awful fellow

CailinDana · 29/10/2012 15:02

Fellow you seem to believe that there's no way a man can have depression. I'm not sure why you think that. Your DP didn't have depression, which is lucky for you, but that doesn't mean no one else can have it. Having depression is not the same as having "hard times" - you can't just put it aside and get on with it. I would think having suffered yourself you would know that.

WhoWhatWhereWhen · 29/10/2012 15:03

OP, 1in10 of men experience some level of PND.
source

www.nhs.uk/conditions/Postnataldepression/Pages/Introduction.aspx

I hope your DP can get some help too

MyLastDuchess · 29/10/2012 15:11

However, he put his issues aside and knew that, as I felt guilt at having giving birth early, my issues and problems were greater.

Well, yes, but that's not to say that he didn't also have issues and problems. And in the OP's case, the issues and problems are clearly quite serious. The OP's may well be worse, but her partner sounds like he needs help too.

I'm sure if he could just magic his cares away he would, but sadly mental health issues (if that is what it is) don't work like that ... well, no illnesses do.

men feel like we have no one to turn to and getting help means we are weak.

I'm sure this is one of the main reasons why many more women are diagnosed with depression (not talking about PND obviously) than men are. Women are far more likely to seek help because there is less of a stigma involved.

I definitely think that the OP's partner needs to seek professional help. Apart from anything else, he is missing out on such a lovely time in his daughter's life if he is feeling this way. And for those who think he just needs to 'man up', well, with treatment he will be much better able to support his partner.

(Wondering if I should tell my DP to 'man up' and get over his arthritis, perhaps that would work? )

mutny · 29/10/2012 15:38

Oh my god I have already said that I said she had posted on the wrong thread that it was tongue in cheek.
i just could not believe someone would dismiss depression in the way that she has.

mutny · 29/10/2012 15:41

Your husband needs to realise the impact of his words
outfoxed should the OP put her own depression aside because of the impact its having on him?

BooBumpDaddyandMe · 29/10/2012 15:56

I imagine that DH feels devastated to have "lost" the woman he fell in love with. We change so much when we become mothers, whether or not we suffer from traumatic births, pnd etc.
I was so aware and afraid that my relationship with DH would be damaged when ds arrived - of course it has but not for the worse.
Your DH is I think simply defending/protecting you from the thing that has brought about the changes ie your dc. I doubt that he loves her any less than you do just simply that he loves you more & hates having to see you suffer. At the expense of sounding sexist; men don't communicate as effectively re their emotions and I think on top of you feeling low perhaps this has been misconstrued.
I really hope you all feel like a tight little family really soon.

BooBumpDaddyandMe · 29/10/2012 15:57

I meant to say of course my relationship has changed (doh).

lovebunny · 29/10/2012 15:59

i hope you are getting help.
he needs some too.
but if he doesn't make an effort to get it, take your beautiful daughter and leave him. she's worth a hundred thousand of that louse who wishes she'd never been born.
you probably don't know what it does to a child to hear that from a parent. they don't forget. fifteen months is old enough to hear, remember, and understand at leisure.

squeakytoy · 29/10/2012 16:02

the OP hasnt said that he has uttered the words in front of the child (and at 15 months, no, she would not understand anyway), and OP has also not said that he doesnt help her out with doing his fair share either..

Kalisi · 29/10/2012 16:21

Op, I feel for both you and your DH and would advise you both get professional help. If he is generally a reasonable,loving man then he must truly be in a bad place to be thinking like that. I do not believe he is being unreasonable for expressing those feelings to you either as it sounds like it has been extremely hard for him also. YANBU to be upset by it though. I have heard many experiences of women suffering PND saying the same thing ( hell I didn't even suffer from it and it certainly crossed my mind in low moments) So I do not see how his gender makes a difference here. fellowship the reason you are getting so much flack is because your posts are sexist, unpleasant and very hypocritical. I am very glad for your sake that you had a wonderfully strong man who was NOT suffering from depression to help you through your experience rather than just telling you to grow a pair and give you a slap!

mutny · 29/10/2012 16:43

take your beautiful daughter and leave him. she's worth a hundred thousand of that louse who wishes she'd never been born.
Is that what you would say to man whose wife has one?

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