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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH AIBU re. Daughter

126 replies

Undersizedfuzzball · 29/10/2012 12:05

We have a beautiful DD aged 15months.

DH has said several times he wishes we didn't have her.

I suffered from PND and she went to the childminders a lot.

DH said if he had known I was going to get ill he never would of had her

It breaks my heart when he says things like this

Yes the road has been hard and we still have good bad days

OP posts:
mutny · 29/10/2012 20:15

3littlehens we are talking about illness. Imo a mental health issue is np different to a physical illness.
If he has depression saying these things will not seem harsh or bad.

3LittleHens · 29/10/2012 20:16

DawnOftheDee
Correction - yes, she didn't say that he says it in front of the daughter. (I hope to God he doesn't).
However, he should NOT say this about his little girl - depression or no depression.
He does need to get a grip and get some help very quickly - depression or no depression.

3LittleHens · 29/10/2012 20:18

mutny
No one's physical and one's mental - they are very different.
How do you know he's got depression anyway?

mutny · 29/10/2012 20:19

3littlehens would tell a woman with pnd she is a selfish twat? Many people feel the same as the ops dh.

MurderOfGoths · 29/10/2012 20:23

"He does need to get a grip"

Wow, quick everyone, 3LittleHens has found a miracle cure for depression!

MurderOfGoths · 29/10/2012 20:25

"No one's physical and one's mental - they are very different."

So.. mental illnesses aren't as real? Don't matter as much? Need less sympathy? Can be got over by just "snapping out of it"?

Hmm
EleanorBloodBathsket · 29/10/2012 20:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DawnOfTheDee · 29/10/2012 20:27

He does need to get a grip - depression or no depression

Seriously...? If he has depression he should 'get a grip' Shock. I really don't know how to respond to that.

So would you tell a woman with PND to 'get a grip' if she said the same thing about her DC? Genuine question.

mutny · 29/10/2012 20:31

No one's physical and one's mental - they are very different.

Why do you treat them different?

Gentleness · 29/10/2012 20:31

It is really hard living with someone with depression - really, really, grindingly, frighteningly hard and it puts everyone's relationships under a lot of pressure. I say that as someone who has had episodes of significant depression (including PND) for decades, and as a wife to a wonderful, strong, sensitive (ok, also clueless, messy and frustrating!) man who also goes through episodes of depression (also including PND). So from both sides I can see how he might be feeling responsible for your depression and how he might not understand his own negative feelings and misinterpret them as wishing you'd never had your daughter, or be at the stage of trying to "understand" and "blame" when actually neither is a realistic aim. And if he is becoming depressed himself, that is quite shocking and hard to fathom the first time especially.

Please get help. This time is exhausting enough for you and depression is exhausting and worrying is too. You really do need to do whatever you can to get to a more settled place for you both. Counselling together could be great, but maybe each attacking the depression together with your dr would be a more practical start. Who knows with depression - different for everyone and different at different times! So frustrating, but IT DOES END! I promise you, having been through so many episodes I dealt with on my own, and 2 episodes of PND (with another looming) that I needed anti-depressants for. It will get better.

OliviaPeaceandLohahoveMumsne · 29/10/2012 21:16

AHEM

ICBINEG · 29/10/2012 23:26

wow some people really showed some shocking true colours on this thread. I'm glad my DH, who I have badgered for AGES to admit to his family that he is receiving help for a mental health condition, won't ever read this or in fact come into contact with the kind of people who hold such retro damaging opinions.

cory · 30/10/2012 07:36

Two things (not incompatible):

a) yes, it seems likely that he is suffering from some form of PND and needs counselling; not his fault, these things happen

b) you are still within your rights to tell him that "you must not say these things to me". You are vulnerable too and however much you sympathise with him, you cannot listen to things that might make you worse; he needs to save those for his doctor. Just stop him gently and remind him that he needs to make that appointment.

And what Gentleness said- you WILL come out of this, both of you.

redwallday · 30/10/2012 08:53

Mutny you talk utter shit!

Who says her OH is depressed? If he was depressed then yes he needs to get help and they need to support each other. But from what I've seen of blokes he sounds like he is simply being an insensitive bastard!

Gentleness · 30/10/2012 09:19

Whereas you are being a sensitive what exactly outfoxed?

Cory's second point is so practical and sensible - it's hard when you're "supposed" to be able to talk about anything within a marriage. But boundaries that support each other are good too.

redwallday · 30/10/2012 09:55

Why is it ok for him to say he wishes his daughter was never born? Why is everyone presuming he has depression? ATM the only person we know has depression is the OP and having had depression myself I can imagine the harm he is doing by saying things like this. IF he has depression then yea they both need to get help. My husband also had this to deal with and yes we had some very bad days but would never have dreamed of saying things like that to me as someone who was already very much on the edge of sanity, saying things like this could push OP over the edge.

Yes he has a lot to deal with but his wife has PND and he needs to be there for her and his daughter!

FellowshipOfFineFellows · 30/10/2012 10:06

That's what I said Outfoxed, but got a load of abuse and allegations of not understanding or being sexist. If he is depressed and not getting help then yes he is as bad, OP has clearly had help and admitted to her issues so why can't he?

I have utmost time for people who generally are ill, but this sounds to me like a guy who is
*lazy (as OP said he does nothing while she copes with a baby, housework and her PND),
*unsupportive of her feelings
a complete arse for saying something so utterly reprehensible about his own child.

If he needs help, its not like its the 60s where he'd have been mocked for getting help. To take his negativity out, or his struggle with the massive change that is parenthood out on his DD and his wife is disgusting.

Flame me all you like, I've known enough mates have partners like the above, who are now single mums and a lot better off for losing the millstone round their neck that was a whining partner. One lost her child in court as he made her feel like shit, like everything was her fault and then ditched her- he had a contact session with their dd, and walked off with her. She rang Police, child ended up in care, and due to the male not being able to be civil to his ex, they lost the child who was adopted. He lied through his teeth about her, and even when a group of us (who were friends of both the parties) tried to offer a residency order for the child until they could sort their differences and he could have counselling, he said no and that was the last we saw of their DD.

DawnOfTheDee · 30/10/2012 10:10

Where does the OP say he's lazy....?

redwallday · 30/10/2012 10:14

God that's awful Fellows :(

Kalisi · 30/10/2012 10:19

It's very possible OP that your DH has a male version of PND, you need to stop being so selfish and wallowing in your own self pity and get off your lazy ass and help him. I had a friend once who said she had depression but actually she was just a lazy bitch who moped around all day and sprouting off some shit about being a terrible mother and how everything would have been better if she hadn't had a baby. She was a complete cunt. His feelings should trump yours as you probably just need a slap anyway.

Do you see how unreasonable that sounds!!!

Maybe, just maybe his comments are a genuine cry for help. Having a prick does not automatically make him one!

Daddelion · 30/10/2012 10:56

Anyone who has had depression or knows someone closely who has it, would know that what they hear isn't always what has been said.

VoiceofUnreason · 30/10/2012 11:02

Twice tried to post, twice got thrown out.

Daddelion is right. And also that someone with depression often says and does things that under normal conditions they would never say in a million years. And that it's all very well saying "If he is depressed and not getting help then yes he is as bad" but often you don't KNOW you are depressed.

When I first had depression (I've had it three times in 22 years) I was living with my parents and it took them who saw me every single day six months to realise something was wrong. Because it was a gradual wearing down.

If this guy has got depression - as seems likely to me based not just on this thread but a previous thread of the OPs - then some of the people posting here, many of whom should know better if they truly have suffered themselves, should be ashamed.

mutny · 30/10/2012 11:51

I see loads has changed. What outfoxed and fellows fail to see is that you don't always know what you are saying isn't normal.
Neither of you, despite brig asked a few times, have answered an important question. If a woman came here and said she wished her dd had never been born would you jump straight to 'you are a lazy selfish twat its unforgivable to say that ever'. Would you?
fellows Thu I am unsure why you didn't follow your own advice when you were depressed. Why did your dh have to save you, why didn't you just 'woman' up and grow a fanjo and sort it yourself?

Its scary that you don't get how much you are degrading both men and women.

MurderOfGoths · 30/10/2012 11:59

Because it oh so easy to just get help for depression. Hmm

ICBINEG · 30/10/2012 12:35

fellow "lazy (as OP said he does nothing while she copes with a baby, housework and her PND),"

WHERE THE HELL DOES IT SAY THAT?

ARE YOU JUST MAKING THIS SHIT UP??

sorry to shout but FFS!

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