DH AIBU re. Daughter

[Undersizedfuzzball]

We have a beautiful DD aged 15months.

DH has said several times he wishes we didn't have her.

I suffered from PND and she went to the childminders a lot.

DH said if he had known I was going to get ill he never would of had her

It breaks my heart when he says things like this

Yes the road has been hard and we still have good bad days

Oh shut up mutny.

If he is moaning and sat moping while op does everything despite her and her pnd then she should tell him to grow up, and if he still acts like a selfish child she and her DD deserve better so, yes she should leave him.

So what? She shouldn't upset the boat cos his feelings might be hurt? How about how she who has had all these body, life and hormone changes feels? .

[hbiscuit]

fellow run out of sensible arguments.

Nowhere does the op state any of that. Your understanding of depression is very lacking. Perhaps you should take you own advice. Resorting to telling people to shut up? Really?

Fellowship

Why is only one person in a relationship allowed to have a mental health problem? Depression and its severity are not necessarily directly correlated to the size of the trauma suffered so you can't judge if someone's depression is more justified than someone elses.

DH was pretty bloody unsupportive at times and sometimes downright nasty whilst my Dad was dying and after. Should I have given him a slap and told him to stop whining or recognised that he was suffering from PTSD and was struggling to cope himself. I am gradually seeing him emerge from it now but its been a long road.

So what? She shouldn't upset the boat cos his feelings might be hurt?

I didn't say that. I am astounded that people think one persons depression should be automatically placed in front of another. they would support each other. Both peoples mental health is important.

It sounds to me like a normal response from someone who's life has been turned upside down.

He doesn't need to stop talking about it (except in front of his dd) he needs to talk more about it in order to see that whilst it is hard going right now it won't always be and also to understand how hurtful his words are. Lots of people build up an idealised view of how parenthood is going to be. A lovely, happy baby and a glowing mummy waiting for daddy to get home from work so they can spend some time together as a little unit - the reality is a whole lot different without the added trauma of PND.

When I fell pregnant after 15 years ttc I was, unsurprisingly, ecstatic. 3 months into the pregnancy I had a total meltdown, I didn't want the baby, we should terminate, it was going to ruin our lives, we had already come to terms with being childless etc etc....no-one would have told my dh to leave me because of my irrational feelings, nor would I have had so little understanding from others.

Counselling sounds like a good idea as well as maybe some time for you both to talk about how the pnd is affecting you. Its unrealistic and unfair for people to think that it is only the person who is ill that is affected.

I hope it all works out for you.

Hello there OP
Do let us know if you'd like us to move this thread to our relationships topic.

What Kalisi said, with bells on.

OP I hope things get better for you both.

Good to see mental health issues no longer have any stigma attached and are taken seriously.. no hang on.. wrong thread.

He should be helping you not putting down your lovely daughter - in turn that must hurt you like hell.

I am not surprised you are or were depressed.

So many people can't have children - he wants to wake up and smell the coffee. He should NEVER blame 'his' beautiful child.

But more than anything, I feel very sad for you, it must cut like a knife.

Watch it 3Littlehens, no doubt you'll get the battering I have had for saying the same thing.

Just to save them the breath of saying it all again, you'll be told you "don't get depression and how it works", are "sexist" against males and their poor hurty feelings and attach a stigma to depression (regardless of the fact I pointed out I know all too well about the effects of PND, however, I am just "lucky" that my DP didn't act like a selfish twat and consider his own feelings beforew those of my child and I).

Just to fill you in!

So you are blaming the dh for the OPs PND then 3littlehens?

Even though the OPs pnd came first, as per her op?

Just trying to clarify.

fellow why do you believe women get depression but if men do they are selfish twats and weak?

Its an honest question. I just don't get that type of stigma and or thinking.

Told you so 3LittleHens

fellow are you a child? Why are you being so childish. The OP clearly states it was after her pnd so it can't have caused it.

No, mutney she's right. What right have we got to point out when someone has a ridiculously contradictory point of view. All men are arseholes who do not have genuine emotions and their job is to be strong and manly and keep quiet lest their feelings upset our poor fragile little minds. OP, fellowships well thought out and critical argument has changed my way of thinking. Leave the bastard!!!

My heart goes out to you OP. I have a history of severe depression and have said some terrible things to my DH and meant none of them. Please try to think that way because when a person is depressed they know they dont mean what they say but cant stop themselves saying it.

That said, you need to get some help for both of you. Your dd will be picking up on it already. Please dont let it go on, get some help. Try to talk to your DH about going for counselling. If he wont get help you will have to think again.

To the posters who talk about 'manning up'. I am a card carrying feminist and it really upsets me when people fail to recognise that men have feelings too. I am married to a lovely man who is not afraid to express his feelings and sometimes has to rely on me and my strength when he needs it. We look after each other its not just up to him to be strong no matter what. It does not mean he is not a 'man' it just means he is a human being. I really hope my son would not worry himself half to death because he didnt want his feelings to be seen as a weakness.

mutny
We are not talking about men in wheel chairs - please do not change the subject.
Whether he has mental health issues, or he is a nasty immature bastard - he should not in either case say this to his wife (whom lets remember has had PND), and certainly not in front of his little girl.

He sounds like a very weak man who needs to get a grip on the situation very quickly.

3littlehens The OP did not state 'he said it in front of his little girl'.

It's a horrible thing to hear but to me, him saying this, may very well mean that he is depressed. When you are depressed you can think and say horrible, inappropriate things.

As it has already been stated...would you tell a woman with PND who said this to 'get a grip'? I hope not.

It sounds like both parties need help and understanding here which is why imho some form of counselling is the best advice. Rather than telling someone who is depressed to get a grip.

Has OP not returned at all to reply to those who have offered support

Very cheeky not to come back to her thread.

He is trying to communicate so as someone said up the thread some famil therapy or a good long chat might be a good idea and hope for them both. Much better he tries to talk about issues than just packs his bags or even worse packs his bags with his baby and leaves the mother alone.

Some people will never accept that depression is real, well other than their own of course, everyone else is just weak and should "man up" or they'll get a "slap"