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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be angry & upset with parents for considering going to see sister in Oz?

201 replies

flowerfairy · 28/10/2012 11:38

Sister emigrated to Oz with her family at the end of August and have had many a rant about that with Dh, knowing what they ar elike and also discussed with mum at length. Now my parents are considering (and with great probability will go at the beginning of DEc and spend Xmas over there with them. I have my own family(Dh, 2dc and my in laws will be coming for lunch on the day and had assumed my parents would be there too. My Dsister has always relied on my mum for childcare and support while living over here and now they are hot footing it over there. My Dh says I should remind them that they have another daughter and 2 more grandchildren too. HAve waves of feeling selfish and then waves of feeling very emotional nd angry that they will be going over there when they haven't even been gone 6months yet! My mparents will be back in time ofr my birthday and my kids, bu twould still be bitterly disappointed they weren't hereSad.

OP posts:
LivvyPsMum · 28/10/2012 20:40

Totally get where you are coming from. 3 years ago, I could have started this thread. My mum, sister and niece went out to Oz for Christmas and I felt as though I had been abandoned! I felt really upset and down! Turned out, I had a really lovely Christmas at home with DH and my 2 dds. We didn't have to leave the house like we usually do and Christmas was at our slow pace, dinner ready whenever etc - it was really good. Look upon this as an opportunity for you to spend Christmas together as you like.
Last Christmas I got the opportunity to spend Christmas in Oz - that was great too. Maybe next year for you eh?! xx

diddl · 28/10/2012 21:06

I find it really odd that an adult with a husband & their own chilldren would feel "abandoned"

It´s not as if you would be alone!

LivvyPsMum · 28/10/2012 22:04

Figure of speech diddl, figure of speech!!! I had never been away from my family at Christmas - ever, so it was really strange and I wasn't looking forward to it. However, it turned out fine in the end, which is what I was saying to OP.
I am really close to my family, perhaps you are not!

A1980 · 28/10/2012 22:24

OP you have two children yourself. Imagine in a few years time one of your children putting you in the position you are putting your parents in.

If one of your children emigrated 10,000 miles away from you, would not visit them becasue it had "only" been six months since you saw them.....?

OldMumsy · 28/10/2012 22:32

So many people have been hamstrung over the years by family blackmail in this area. I would merely be making plans to travel and see/join them. It's a big wide and interesting world out there.

diddl · 29/10/2012 07:21

Well yes, I am close to my family-although not geographically atm!

But by the time I was an adult there had been Christmases away from parents/sibling.

RubyCreakingGates · 29/10/2012 07:28

YABU, I have to say, if I had the funds and a relly in Aus. I'd be off there like a shot after this year's summer. Maybe that's what your parents are thinking.

Not only do they get to see their family on their first Christmas thousands of miles away, but they get to escape the awful British weather. FTW!

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 29/10/2012 07:49

Do you know what? I actually really feel for you. My sister moved several hundred miles away within the UK with her family and all I heard from my mum was how upset she was that they moved. All. The. Time.

We (me and DP) then moved from our home town to a 3 hour train ride away for DP's work. My mother then promptly moved to the same road as my sister, where she knows no one else, even though it means she is now an 8 hour train ride away from me and my kids instead of 3 hours. So now instead of coming to see eachother for a weekend it's several days and just not doable very often.

Am I pissed off? a bit. But if I'm being honest my feelings are hurt. Which is the vibe I get from you OP. Yeah you're not being reasonable but you've often felt sidelined in favour of someone else it's understandable.

Prarieflower · 29/10/2012 08:20

YABU.

My sister lives 2 hours away and my parents have always spent Xmas with us every other year(the only fair option).You can't expect to have your parents with you every year.

Also weatherwise it would be far more favourable to visit Oz at Xmas

diddl · 29/10/2012 08:26

I can´t imagine choosing to live near one of my children.

Preferably equidistant!

But perhaps when you also moved, your mum maybe thought that she might as well be very close to one of you rather than"distant" from both?

But I also see that as a responsibility for your sister & an intrusion tbh!

Maybe they get on well-but maybe your sister was hoping for a little distance!

Maybe she prefer´s your sister´s husband or the place she has moved to?

My sibling & I are both abroad.

If my Dad moved, I know it would be to her-better climate!!

Prarieflower · 29/10/2012 08:27

I also think as a parent if my child moved the other side of the world I'd want to visit asap to check they were ok.I know she's an adult but you worry about your kids for life and being able to picture them happy in a place I knew would make missing them easier.

I do feel for you a bit though,things will be different and it will take time getting used to it.

MrsCantSayAnything · 29/10/2012 08:28

Prairie your sister living 2 hours away is hardly comparable. My sister lives 3 hours away but my Mum still varies who she goes to anyway. 2 hours is nothing.

wannaBe · 29/10/2012 08:31

wish I had a family member who wanted to emigrate to australia, could do with christmas in the sun. ;)

shinyblackgrape · 29/10/2012 08:41

I know you're upset but you are being completely unreasonable. My family and DH's live a bit apart and we spend alternate Christmases with them. It's just the way it is.

I have to say, I think your husband sounds like a total stirrer and his comment about reminding your parents that they have other grandchildren could just as easily be applied to your sister's children - are your parents meant to never see them at Christmas again?!

Be the bigger people and be happy for your parents that they are fit and well enough to travel and will have a lovely holiday. Maybe you could look in to going to Australia one year so that everyone could spend chrustmas together.

IRCL · 29/10/2012 08:47

YABU.

it's not like you will be alone you have your DH and your children?

SlanketySlank · 29/10/2012 09:44

OP is your sister your only sibling? Are you perhaps upset that they'll all be together for christmas without you? That's understandable but instead of feeling left out/jealous try and be pleased for your sister that she gets to have your parents at christmas when they may be the only family she sees this year. You'll see your parents when they get back! It must be difficult for your sister too if she's used to having family at christmas and she'll have had to make new friends and left her old friends behind. She probably needs your parents more this christmas, you can see them all year round.

StrawberrytallCAKE · 29/10/2012 09:51

Ooh I have been in your position, you can't make people do what you want then to do. I know it must be a bit hurtful because you are always (if you're like me) there or them and your sis is the other side of the world but you have the rest of your family. It was probably a hard decision for them too so don't make them feel bad about it, make a time to Skype them all on Christmas day and let go of your anger as it'll only eat you up.

Sorry yabu.

GodisaDJeatingaToffeeApple · 29/10/2012 10:07

Coming from your mum and dad's side on this - I imagine it has been really tough on her to see their daughter/grandkids emigrate to the other side of the world. My Dsis emigrated a few years back. It was really hard on all of us, especially my mum. She felt immense guilt that she hadn't made more effort when they were in this country, especially with her first grandson (my DN).

My DM's first Christmas without Dsis was awful. We'd invited them to spend the day time with us, but they had my nan and uncle so decided to have dinner at their house and it was a disaster for them (nan moaning, uncle getting drunk!) I think my DM just didn't realise how hard it would be without my Dsis and her family around. They proceeded to book up and travel out the following June.

Like another poster said, it isn't a "hop" on the plane, it will involve some planning and probably be a 'once in a lifetime' opportunity to go (flights are not cheap at all).

It is normal to feel jealous OP, it honestly is, especially if there are some hidden demons lurking in the back of your mind. Jealously is a horrible feeling, especially when you want to switch it off and you can't. Throw in to that 'change' (i.e. your first Xmas without DSis and now DM) you will feel anger and bitterness at it all. I disagree that you are selfish, just feeling lots of emotions, which are normal.

Try and count what blessings you have.

diddl · 29/10/2012 10:36

TBH I find it really odd to be wound up about such a thing as not seeing parents on Cday!

Now, if they love it there & decide to emigrate, thus making a clear choice...

WeAreEternal · 29/10/2012 10:41

YABU, and to be honest sound jealous.

WimbledonMum1 · 19/05/2017 16:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 19/05/2017 16:31

BECAUSE IT WAS FIVE YEARS AGO!!!!!

ZOMBIE

MerlinEmrys · 19/05/2017 16:31

Zombie!!

SillyBub · 19/05/2017 16:31

Because it was FIVE YEARS AGO HmmAngry

MacarenaFerreiro · 19/05/2017 16:38

Grow up. Australia in the depth of a UK winter would be ace.

AND STOP GOING ON ABOUT FUCKING CHRISTMAS - IT'S MAY.