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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be angry & upset with parents for considering going to see sister in Oz?

201 replies

flowerfairy · 28/10/2012 11:38

Sister emigrated to Oz with her family at the end of August and have had many a rant about that with Dh, knowing what they ar elike and also discussed with mum at length. Now my parents are considering (and with great probability will go at the beginning of DEc and spend Xmas over there with them. I have my own family(Dh, 2dc and my in laws will be coming for lunch on the day and had assumed my parents would be there too. My Dsister has always relied on my mum for childcare and support while living over here and now they are hot footing it over there. My Dh says I should remind them that they have another daughter and 2 more grandchildren too. HAve waves of feeling selfish and then waves of feeling very emotional nd angry that they will be going over there when they haven't even been gone 6months yet! My mparents will be back in time ofr my birthday and my kids, bu twould still be bitterly disappointed they weren't hereSad.

OP posts:
Whooooosualsuspect · 28/10/2012 13:32

You can't help the way you feel OP. But AIBU is not the right place to let it all out. TBH.

OwlBabies · 28/10/2012 13:41

I think there are parents out there who treat their children (including grown-up children) unequally, or who play them off against each other to ensure that they (the parents) remain at the centre of things. Not saying that this is the case in this particular scenario, but it does happen.

It's a horrible feeling, being a grown-up who can't quite get over the sense of not being quite good enough for your parents. If a daughter feels like this, I really think the parents have a responsibility to ask themselves "how did this happen?" and to try to put things right, if they can. It's easy to say the OP's being immature and unreasonable, but I sense that there's a whole lot of baggage here. No-one wants to be this miserable and insecure about their relationship with their parents. Does that make any sense?

Original poster
flowerfairy · 28/10/2012 13:41

Thanl you to you all for helping me put this in perspective and for all the time you spent posting!

OP posts:
Teamthrills · 28/10/2012 13:49

Yabu!

My parents have been gallivanting around Asia for the past few years. They pop back every so often, but haven't been around for me or my family since they left. They have missed loads of birthdays & christmas - it is annoying, but I just get on with it.

Your parents are only going over for a holiday - get over it!!

Whooooosualsuspect · 28/10/2012 13:58

Have a lovely Christmas, don't let your feelings of resentment spoil it.

ssd · 28/10/2012 14:19

op, theres clearly other things which have went on that you aren't telling us - don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming you, you obviously don't want to out yourself by giving too much away

it sounds to me like you are very jealous of your sis as you think your mum favours her.....this is a hard one.....but she living far away now, so you will naturally get more of your mum's attention as you are the one near her now

try not to begrudge your sister and mum having xmas together, they might not have much else this year

Original poster
flowerfairy · 28/10/2012 16:16

whooooosualsuspect, owlbabies and ssd thankyou for making the most sense without the torrrent of abuse. I know what the title of my op was and think that i'm just hurting at the moment i would never go out of my way to upset my parents as i so not want them to choose between us and know they are grown ups who can do as they please.

But it will be my first xmas without sister and now parents as well. GOd that's sound self centred-but we were all quite close. I know my sister deserves to be happy and enjoy their xmas too, it's been a difficult year for us all for several reasons and our families have never been apart like this before. And that's hard. I know plenty of families spend time apart and accept it and i know i will but i can't help how i feel

OP posts:
MrsCantSayAnything · 28/10/2012 16:30

I know it's hard when families change...but they do...and they must...or they get unhealthy.

Maybe next year YOU could go out there and see your sister? Before you know it, she will be back for a visit...you now have a link to one of the most amazing countries in the world.

I'm off to Oz for Christmas too!

Tailtwister · 28/10/2012 16:44

I could be wrong, but this is what I get from the OP.

OP's sister relied a lot on her parents for support when in this country and maybe OP feels each time she called her parents ran? Then the sister decides to emigrate to Australia and OP's parents hot foot it over there to spend Christmas at the first opportunity. It was the sister's decision to go, yet OP feels she still has her parents at her beck and call, even when thousands of miles away?

Could be completely wrong, but it feels like a case of sibling rivalry to me. Such feelings can fester for years and resurface when GC are involved.

diddl · 28/10/2012 16:46

I can´t imagine being an adult with children & never having had a Christmas without my sister/parents!

HauntingMyWay · 28/10/2012 16:50

Imagine having to split your time between your DCs when they are grown up and in different hemispheres?
The move will have been massive for your suster's DC and the visit will be amazing for them.

My own sister emigrated and had a baby over there. My parents missed DS's 1st birthday but they get to see him so much more so although I'd have preferred them there I was able to see the bigger picture.

exoticfruits · 28/10/2012 16:59

I can't see the problem. Once they had gone to Australia they would be bound to want to visit. You have your family and ILs for Christmas-you will see them next Christmas-it is doubtful they would go 2 years in a row.

Bertrude · 28/10/2012 17:00

I know you've now seen some perspective but I thought I'd reply anyway.

It's hard when families change and when it's through the choice of one, it's very difficult.

But you and your DCs get grandma and grandad 11.5months a year. They will get 2-4 weeks max if they're lucky. I know it's your sisters choice but it still wouldn't make it any easier. Oz isn't the sort of place you can you nip for a holiday so it makes sense to go for an event.

Chances are you'll be the one getting 95% of the Christmases from now on and yes it's hard and sad but it's probably inevitable hat it'd happen. My mum and dad have said that under no circumstances will they be here for Christmas as they won't leave my sister, so the only way my currently nonexistent children would spend Christmas with their gran and grandad is if I went away from what is now my home. That's also hard to deal with.

exoticfruits · 28/10/2012 17:02

I have just spotted that you have listened to opinions. As you get older things change-it isn't a bad thing. You can Skype on Christmas Day.

Viviennemary · 28/10/2012 17:06

YABU. Why can't you parents spend Christmas in Australia if they want to. You can see them any time presumably. And they won't be doing it every Christmas. Can't see anything wrong with this at all. Even from your point of view. What on earth is the problem?

FreudiansGoldSlipper · 28/10/2012 17:06

nothing like christmas to bring up a little sibling bitter jealousy rivalry

they must be missing her terribly as they would miss you if you were the one who had moved across the world

take charge of your feelings and deal with them before you end up falling out with your family

soverylucky · 28/10/2012 17:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

waltermittymissus · 28/10/2012 17:13

Ok, you know YABU but you can't help your disappointment either I suppose.

Maybe you feel like they've done all this running around for your sister and now, they're running to the other side of the world to her!

But, you must realise it's ok for them to want to a) have a holiday at Christmas and b) see their child who lives so far away.

You have your Christmas. Let them have theirs. Your DH sounds a bit of a nonce tbh! What's his deal with the snarky little comments?!

expatinscotland · 28/10/2012 17:24

YABU

Foshizzle · 28/10/2012 17:25

I've come in late but while I think - and you know - that YABU, I can understand where you're coming from and I'm not sure you deserve quite the level of vitriol that you've been getting. It was your sister's choice to move out to Oz, knowing that she was moving away from her family. And Christmas is a highly politically charged time for many families anyway. But it's your mum's choice to go out there. I'd like to think that in that situation - as a mum - I would try to be fair and reassure both DC that I would alternate Christmas visits, for example.

CassandraApprentice · 28/10/2012 18:01

"and have had many a rant about that with Dh, knowing what they ar elike and also discussed with mum at length. "

Try and stop doing that - it will help. Try and not get caught up in all the preparation for the holiday - focus on your Christmas - and try and avoid how great it was all stories afterwards - be polite but change the subject and be busy.

I went through childhood being part of the 'second class' GC it not great probably worse for my parents. Some of my cousins lived abroad and GP saw us every week. Also sucked as my parents dealt with the ill health at end.

However DN gets all my parents time and energy and my DC don't get a look in - hurts when we are really struggling and they have DN at drop of a hat because Dsis wants a night out but can't help us access medical care.

They can?t see an issue.

With you OP it is easy to understand your parents might well be missing their family since the move. Its working out how not to let it get to you in an adverse way.

NotQuintAtAllOhNo · 28/10/2012 18:05
Hmm

You need to grow up. Stop comparing yourself and your family to your sister, and stop being so tied to their apron strings.

Cant believe your husband is meddling and stirring like an old fishwife! Shock

Floggingmolly · 28/10/2012 18:15

You are being extremely unreasonable and your dh shouldn't be egging you on.

Tailtwister · 28/10/2012 18:18

Try to deal with your feelings OP and stop your DH stirring. Ultimately the only person who will hurt by this is you. If your parents do favour your sister then there's very little you can do about it. DH's sister has always been favoured (very obviously) and it's nauseating to watch sometimes. He does get hurt by it and it's hard not to comment, but to do so would only make things worse for him so I don't.

Plan and have a wonderful Christmas with your family. Skype on Christmas day if you want to. Let these feelings go.

diddl · 28/10/2012 19:03

I do find the husband´s part in this.

If I was moaning about this my husband would be telling me to get over myself, not telling me to remind my parents of mine & my children´s existence!

In fact if they needed reminding of us, he´d probably be encouraging me to detach for my own good!

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