MIL deliberately ignoring my wishes..AIBU or is she?!

[havingastress]

Quite prepared to accept it's me who's being unreasonable...

BUT I literally had the biggest stress out yesterday!

Baby due literally ANY minute, am being induced this week. It's her second grandchild.

We found out we were having a girl at the 20 week scan (with hindsight, won't find out again, but there you go!) ...and told parents and inlaws. Her first reaction was...Ooooh great I love all the little pink clothes and outfits you can get.

Now....daft I know..but I BLOODY HATE PALE PINK BABY CLOTHES!!! You know...the whole rows of the stuff in Asda, Next, M+S. it's that insipid pink. Ewww. Anyway, I laughed and told her, Oh god please NO PINK..Honestly, I don't like it and I won't be dressing my daughter in it. Please save your money!! She was categorically told for want of a better way of putting it!

My mum has bought us 5 beautiful outfits for our daughter - each time she phoned before she purchased, described how it looked and asked would I be ok with her buying it.. Totally over the top as it's my mum and I know she has brilliant taste! But I appreciated her respect, and she said she knew from personal experience how annoying it is to receive loads of stuff you don't like because then you feel pressurized into using it because you feel guilty.

MIL turned up yesterday with a bin liner. A bin liner FULL of a mix of second hand clothes, car boot purchases, ebay purchases and some reduced sale stock from Asda and Next. ALL BLOODY PINK. THE WHOLE BLOODY LOT. A ridiculous amount of clothes that I have no idea where to put. She actually said, 'I know you said no pink, but come on, it's a girl, I want her to wear pink'

I was blazing! I feel as though she is deliberately ignoring my wishes, spending money needlessly (which then makes me feel guilty) and forcing HER wishes/beliefs onto me.

I know if I get rid of them to the charity shop/ebay she will open the wardrobe and demand to know where they are. The stuff with tags I took the whole lot back last night and swopped for 9-12months plain babygros etc that will be used and we will be very grateful for.

So...AIBU or is she? And even if it's ME being U, how the hell do I get her to stop buying loads of crap that I don't want?!

DH is with me, but yes, I would agree, he doesn't like standing up to his mother particularly!

Good idea on switching the phone off! In fact, I like that idea A LOT!!! They actually live 2 and a half hours away, and don't know which hospital I'm going into, so in theory, couldn't just pop in unexpectedly. However, this is TOO far for them just to come up to visit (her opinion) even though to me, I don't see a problem (used to commute this daily each way!!!)

However, I have told DH, IF they just turn up regardless intending to stay, then he'll have to pack them back off again! Trying to make it his problem not mine - it's his bloody mother!

issima Oh god on the foot tickling. You see, this is precisely what worries me!! That would actually freak me out.

None of this surprises me, it's clear that she is the bullying type and will go into a trantrum if she doesn't get her own way. So, yes, do be prepared for her turning up on your doorstep unexpectedly with a large suitcase and a gobfull of opinions

Re the feeding. If you are stressed, it might make it a little difficult at first so be absolutely clear that you want no-one in the room other than those that you think will be helpful. Take your time, take the advice from the midwives and just do what feels best for you and your dd.

When you are home, feel free to ask visitors to leave the room while you feed your baby. Anyone who takes offence at that should be asked to leave the house.

OP, remember you can tell the midwives they shouldn't let anyone other than your DH into the hospital.

And don't feel you have to explain your decisions. You've told MIL you don't want visitors for that first period. That's good enough, you don't need to justify it at all or she'll try to think of a loophole to badger you with.

And the same for future decisions. Channel Mumsnet, "No" is a complete sentence [hgrin]

OP speak to your DH and agree how he will send her packing if she does turn up on the doorstep with a suitcase.

It isn't a big step from "I knew you'd see sense and come around to the idea of pink" to "I knew you'd find it hard work and realise you need me here to help."

Your DH needs to be prepared to stand his ground on the threshold and not allow her to cross. If necessary have the name and number of a local B&B she can stay in overnight if it's too late for her to travel home that day.

Sending ((((HUGS))) and good wishes for tonight and hoping at all goes swimmingly.

Once the baby is here you are allowed to be totally self (and baby) centred and expect to be allowed to enjoy your first few days as a family exactly how you want to. Make the most of every minute.

Stick to your guns. The last thing you need when trying to establish bf is a houseful of people trying to get your dd off you, and making the less than helpful comments about how you'll soon give up and ff, as you said your mil has already made. It seriously knocks your confidence at a time wen you're especially vulnerable. Plus you'll probably be spending a lot of time with at least one boob out while you get bf established and need some privacy and quiet time to bond.
I know this from bitter experience with certain family members who despite havin sod all experience with bf, felt free to dispense advice on how I was doing it all wrong. I won't be allowing such negative interferance next time. While I get what people have said about respecting her feelings, she needs to respect yours too

I don't have any grandchildren, but if I did, I would really want to see them when they were born. I don't mean waiting outside the delivery room, but to come once we got the call! I would never dream of imposing ourselves to staying with the newly made parents, but would like to at least be allowed to visit my DIL in the hospital, and see the baby brand new. I would not stay longer than 15 minutes and would not visit them at their home afterwards, unless they said it was ok.
If they forbid me to even visit for a few moments, I'd be very hurt, and shocked actually.

And would not barge in every day either. It is just not fair to do that unless they want me there to help wash dishes or do laundry or cook.

I read once if your mother?MIL/Anyone comes to stay after having a baby, great! Let her do the housework, but the baby has to bond with the parents, so do not allow anyone else to bath, change, feed the baby. It seems logical.
I plan on asking about everything when I am lucky enough to have a grandchild, I never want to be pushy or over bearing.

musicalendorphins you'll probably be welcome anyway because you won't have imposed your opinions throughout the pregnancy and put your DIL on the defensive!

If the OP's MIL had been better at listening and considering other people's feelings and wishes during the pregnancy she would probably have been able to meet the baby earlier.

If I'd though my relatives would have only stayed for 15 mins or done the washing up instead of racing me to pick up a waking baby I would have been able to welcome them round earlier. Those early days are precious and you don't want to spend them working out how to get rid of people who are riding roughshod over your wishes and outstaying their welcome. Better to prevent the situation arising in the first place.

musical take your point entirely. Problem is MIL wouldn't let me get a word in edgeways..I said about her coming to the hospital during visiting times and she said that was a ridiculous notion because she lives so far away!

Personally, I think if you WANT to see your newborn gc and it really matters to you to see them a few hours old, you'd make that trip?

She's just got it stuck in her head that I don't want to see her at all for the first two weeks - which isn't strictly true. I just don't want her here for any longer than an hour at a time! The fact they live 2hours away isn't my problem I feel (although I know that makes me sound awful)

gold good idea on the b+b number..I don't think it's too far a stretch either, she's got form!

Getting REALLY nervous now..keep repacking the hospital bag! Definitely feels like something big is about to happen. DH is at work until 4pm, so just watching TV and trying to relax easier said than done

OP if it helps you to relax, this is the one time you can justify chocolate . Hope it all goes well for you.

If she wanted to visit for an hour, she would.

She would make the journey, make a day of it and go back home with some lovely photos of her new grandchild.

Or she would come up one day, stay overnight in a hotel and travel home the next day.

If she doesn't want to do that, then it's her choice and it's pointless trying to blame other people for her own decisions. Yes, it's a tiring journey, yes it's added expense but if she doesn't want to do it, she doesn't have to. Those are her options.

I have a son and a daughter, it wouldn't trouble me at all to drive for four hours to visit my grandchild for one hour, if that is the wish of their parents.

To be honest I think you are being a bit unreasonable, but you're allowed to be - your about to have your first baby and you'll be feeling so many emotions. I don't think you should get rid of the clothes, keep them and as people say they will come in useful when you've had a poo-nami situation.

BUT I think there are issues with boundaries and your MIL exerting her authority over you. You must start as you mean to go on with things like this but pick your battles wisely. I had very similar issues with my MIL when I had my DS, and occasionally we still have to clash horns on things. It's a fine line however, you must remember she is your Husbands mother and maintaining good relationships with GP's is worth it's weight in gold further down the line.

With regards to the coming to stay issue, I would just say "MIL, we'd love you to come and stay but not immediately - it's just not practical. I don't know how I'll be feeling and I just feel its a very special time for me and DH that we won't get again. We'd love you to come on X date though?" If she kicks up a stink, be calm and say "I had hoped you'd respect our decision but you let us know what you decide about X date." Your DH MUST back you up on this preferably delivering the news.

If she insists on keeping on buying things in pink, I agree it's passive aggressive behaviour and just keep them and occasionally roll DD out in them. BUT I would say when DD is in something you love "Doesn't DD look gorgeous today?"

My MIL insisted that everything she buy DS was appliquéd with a Disney character boak or that awful pale blue. I feel your pain OP!

On a positive note, you're having a baby this week - hurrah!

What everyone says. My parents happily came 3 hours drive for an hour visit with baby. They even brought aged great g-parents. (We chose to take baby and accompany them to the pub for lunch as it happens! but that was purely our choice, there was no expectation or even invitation, we invited ourselves.)

In a small flat the last thing you want is someone staying. Your DH needs to put his foot down with her, maybe she'd take it better from him.

And make sure baby isn't wearing pink when she visits! We've been the same with the pink thing. Fortunately our little girl has a big brother so we already have lots of non-pink clothes as fall-back. She does look lovely in pale blue But some friends have still insisted she "needs" pink. I haven't been able to bring myself to putting her in most of it, it doesn't suit her and makes me cringe. Got some very nice things to ebay/give to a pink-liking friend now. We're lucky to have plenty of storage space though, wouldn't think twice about charity-shopping in your position.

I think you have been given a bit of an unfair roasting from some posters OP. Particularly hate those people who ask 'is it your first' as if your feelings don't count when it's your first and you're some kind of uber-controling mum.

Look... your MIL has listened to your requests and decided to do whatever she wants anyway - this displays piss poor people skills. She wants her own way and she is determined to have it. You are doing the right thing to speak directly to her and tell her again what you want.

Do as others have said and give her back the clothes you know your baby will not wear. Keep a couple of outfits so you can take a photo of the baby in them and send them to her then bin them.

Do NOT let anyone stay at your house immediately after the birth, put your foot down on this one.

You're right. If it matters to you to see your GC you'd make that trip. Exactly what my mum did: 3.5h each way in one day (400mile round trip). Then, when they cento visit for the first time that weekend they rented a nearby cottage for a few days.

Your baby, your decision. You have to be comfortable. It's so important. Good luck, lovely!

And musicalendorphins, as a "non-pushy" grandparent, I suspect you'd have a better chance of seeing the new baby immediately. It's still the new parents' decision, though - if they didn't want visitors, you'd have to stay away whether you wanted to or not, and it would be your responsibility to accept that decision graciously.

The relationship which requires immediate attention is that of the baby and mother/father - as grandparents, we need to step back and accept that our place is somewhat further down the pecking order, and rightly so.

Oh sweetheart, the best of luck for later, hope all goes well.

AND MAKE YOUR HUSBAND DEAL WITH HIS MOTHER!

He hasn't been pregnant for 9 months, he won't be giving birth, he won't be breastfeeding, hormonal, sore etc. He must put his foot down.

Thank you everyone

I've been given some really good advice on here (and got some perspective on things!) both of which I'm grateful for.

My MIL used to buy my DD1 green clothes. All the time. Goodness knows where she managed to find them all. I either took them back if they were labelled or chazzered them.

She was dead by the time DD2 came along.

Just don't put your baby in the stuff your MIL gives. The charity shop will be happy with it (or a refuge even better). You've made it clear you don't like pink, so your MIL can't complain when you don't put your DD in pink.

It may turn out that your wee girl will really suit pink and you'll love pink on her. It is funny how our minds change sometimes when they arrive.

As most other posters have said, stand your ground over the extended visit. I think she perhaps thinks that if she says they can't visit during hospital visiting hours as it's too far to travel, then you will take pity on them and let them stay. I think I might phone her today and say that you are organising when some friends can visit and wondered if they (PIL) are intending to visit during your hospital stay - you would just like to know so that you can advise your friends when would be a good time to come. If she then says that they can't visit then, you can reply "oh ok, well we'll let you know in a couple of weeks when we have settled back in at home so that we can arrange a day for you to come over then".

Also, mobiles switched off and land-line (if you have one) unplugged. Be prepared with the name and phone number of a local(ish) B&B so that you can direct them straight there should they turn up unannounced.

Hope your delivery goes well and your baby girl puts in a timely arrival

PS, totally get the blazing thing with MIL. Even 6 years after her death, I still get wound up by some of the things she did, especially while I was PG, had a new baby.

All the very best of luck for today also.

op I can't say much other than I UNDERSTAND.

I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND!

I could have pretty much written your posts word for word.

From the giant piles of stuff you didn't want or ask for, bought indiscriminately, without any thought whatsoever. To the "what nappies?" "pampers size 1". "here's some huggies size 2.

Anyone who thinks you're even slightly unreasonable either hasn't experienced it or is one of those mil's!

Good luck for tonight, i'll be thinking of you x

Oh, and as for the distance issue - my daughter-in-law's 78-year-old mother travelled for four hours each way to see her daughter and new grandson for an hour. She stayed with relatives overnight and gave the new mother space. The result is that her daughter had peace to do things her way in those early days and now makes that 8-hour return journey regularly herself, to stay with her mum and let her see her grandson.

As mother-in-law, I held back and waited to be invited to their home, but once there, asked whether I could help - once I ironed some shirts for my son, once I cleaned the bathroom; mostly I made tea and reassuring noises while my daughter-in-law dealt with the baby. I was very pleased to be made so welcome, but I certainly didn't see it as my right.

How excited you must be - soon you'll have your baby!

Op - your husband should be dealing with his mother and making those calls, but it's done now but he should deal with her on any issues for the future or his mum wil think it's all coming from you and and will build her resentment.

I wouldn't dress the baby in the pink clothes just for her, it would piss my off too much. As for visiting, they can drive up to visit for a few hours or as someone said, stay in a B&B. I think it's understandable that family wants to see the baby straight away, even for a brief visit. I didn't have that due to distance and lie you couldn't face someone staying over those first few days or week. 2nd baby, I had mum and niece staying over for 17 frigging days to help out with my toddler and it was a disaster.

Good Luck and let us know how it goes!