MIL deliberately ignoring my wishes..AIBU or is she?!

[havingastress]

Quite prepared to accept it's me who's being unreasonable...

BUT I literally had the biggest stress out yesterday!

Baby due literally ANY minute, am being induced this week. It's her second grandchild.

We found out we were having a girl at the 20 week scan (with hindsight, won't find out again, but there you go!) ...and told parents and inlaws. Her first reaction was...Ooooh great I love all the little pink clothes and outfits you can get.

Now....daft I know..but I BLOODY HATE PALE PINK BABY CLOTHES!!! You know...the whole rows of the stuff in Asda, Next, M+S. it's that insipid pink. Ewww. Anyway, I laughed and told her, Oh god please NO PINK..Honestly, I don't like it and I won't be dressing my daughter in it. Please save your money!! She was categorically told for want of a better way of putting it!

My mum has bought us 5 beautiful outfits for our daughter - each time she phoned before she purchased, described how it looked and asked would I be ok with her buying it.. Totally over the top as it's my mum and I know she has brilliant taste! But I appreciated her respect, and she said she knew from personal experience how annoying it is to receive loads of stuff you don't like because then you feel pressurized into using it because you feel guilty.

MIL turned up yesterday with a bin liner. A bin liner FULL of a mix of second hand clothes, car boot purchases, ebay purchases and some reduced sale stock from Asda and Next. ALL BLOODY PINK. THE WHOLE BLOODY LOT. A ridiculous amount of clothes that I have no idea where to put. She actually said, 'I know you said no pink, but come on, it's a girl, I want her to wear pink'

I was blazing! I feel as though she is deliberately ignoring my wishes, spending money needlessly (which then makes me feel guilty) and forcing HER wishes/beliefs onto me.

I know if I get rid of them to the charity shop/ebay she will open the wardrobe and demand to know where they are. The stuff with tags I took the whole lot back last night and swopped for 9-12months plain babygros etc that will be used and we will be very grateful for.

So...AIBU or is she? And even if it's ME being U, how the hell do I get her to stop buying loads of crap that I don't want?!

"sirzy would be a great idea, but her own daughter had a baby only 8 weeks ago or so, so she already HAS a steriliser in her own house! "

I would still give her the steriliser back for her to keep at her house, and when she says she already has one, look confused and say, "but so do we!". Then, "Oh well, you can ebay it then and treat yourself with the money

As for the clothes, I would send dh round with the rest of the clothes. He can be gracious and thank her, say that some of the pieces were very useful, but we don't need the rest, can't even fit them into your home.

She sounds like a controlling ma-in-law - I'd nip this in the bud.

I'm a mother-in-law, and now granny - I always consult my daughter-in-law before buying things for my grandson. I well remember when my first baby arrived and my own mother and mother-in-law bought me things they liked, without asking what I'd prefer. I had little money to buy lots of clothes myself, so my baby wore what other people bought him.

When you're not made of money, it's lovely to feel you have a little bit of say in what your baby wears; it's part of the fun of being a new mother. How much kinder it would be if she put her feelings to one side, and asked you first. The fact that you've already told her what you don't want, and that she then proceeded to buy those very things, is indicative of her attitude.

As for going into your wardrobe to check - what a cheek! I get on extremely well with my daughter-in-law, and look after my grandson two days a week, but I would never invade her privacy in that way - nor she mine.

Get your OH to tell her now that she will not be staying. You need time alone, or with supportive people, to get feeding going calmly - the last thing you need is a negative presence in the house.

Enjoy your baby!

Thank you babyboom you sound like an amazing mother (and mother-in-law!)

You really have hit the nail on the head as to how I feel. We're not made of money at all, and I have said earlier on in the thread, everything I have bought has been second hand (at least my choice though). My baby will mostly be wearing what other ppl have bought, as we really don't have the cash to treat her. So whilst I'm grateful for anything really in essence, when you are asked and then ignored, I feel as though she's trying to take over and play mum all over again!

headless Great idea about the steriliser - think I will do exactly that.

I have sorted through everything - one huge bag of stuff that is not suitable. DH is just on his way now to the clothing banks with it. The nursery now resembles calm again (with the exception of a huge number of Huggies nappies boxes!! LOL) and I'm feeling a lot less overwhelmed!

I need to be tough about this and nip it in the bud, I agree, but not be nasty or mean to MIL. I know she means well really. She just is so wrapped in her own little world and what she wants that she can't see beyond that, her and her wants I think. I don't think she's doing it deliberately or to be mean. If anything, I think she has zero awareness of how she's impacting on me. So it's up to me to handle it firmly but nicely.

Pick out the stuff that would be nice if not pink (& is suitable wrt age/season), & bung it all through a machine dye. A good strong purple or red will look lovely.

Everything else, straight off to charity shop with it.

Never refer to it again - just smile & look vague if asked & say something like '...oh I don't know...we got given so many hand-me-downs, I passed on a load that were the wrong size'.

& agree get OH to tell her flat that she is welcome to visit/see new gc, but not to stay, as the two of you are looking forward to spending time together once it's the three of you, as it were.

If she's going to chunter about it, probably as well to establish the battlelines now, rather than build up grinding resentment & end up having a huge row with her once dd is here & you are knackered, hormonal & in full on tigress-with-cub mood about her interference...

She obviously wants to be involved. Could you ask her to buy something specific that you actually need? A baby gym that folds away for example. That will give the baby something to lie on and hopefully wont take up too much space.

If there's pieces you like in there but aren't keen on the colour, have a go with the Dylon dye. I did the with some very inspid pink stuff I was given, dyed it all a gorgeous dark red. Worked very well. Just keep in mind that non-cotton stuff might not dye, so pick a shade that won't clash with the pale pink. Navy can work very well.

And you might not be grateful for whatever clothes you can get if you have a baby who doesn't puke or have nappy explosions. My daughter rarely had more than one outfit a day as she wasn't pukey and she saved explosive poos for when we took her nappy off!

It's also not that hard to buy non-baby pink clothes if you want to keep this out. I get very nice things in H&M, Next and Asda in varied colours. And if you check out the boys trousers in H&M you can get ones that aren't covered in sodding glitter.

Oh, and if you don't get on with the nappies, see if you can donate them to your local refuge or maybe a local church that can distribute them to women who are in need. It took me ages to figure out what nappies worked for us, and I always ended up with packets that had been grown out of. I sent mine to Give and Make Up who distribute to refuges. www.giveandmakeup.com/p/where-to-senddrop-off.html

I used to hate pink, and still mostly do, but I got bought pink things for DD when she was born from many different people. You probably will get pink stuff from other people too, not just your MIL. So I disguise it by mixing it up a lot with other colours. I find that it works really well with white, cream, yellow, grey and red. E.g. red trousers, white cardi and pink t-shirt means she's making use of someone's present, but isn't really dressed in pink :) Pink stuff is also good to go underneath other things for warmth, and as pyjamas. Anyway, I know that isn't really your issue, but just thought I'd pass on the ideas in case they help.

Good luck with the induction.

I was going to suggest getting some dye for clothes that are in a nice style but you don't like the colour, but see someone else has suggested it. You can get really easy to use machine dyes that already have the salt with them etc. But I understand about space (we have two children in a two bedroom flat) so don't feel any qualms about bagging up stuff for the charity shop. Or you might be able to swop it at baby groups? I swopped quite a few things with other people.

I wonder if she heard Huggies but when she got to the shop forgot the bit about anything but. Could be genuine.

She is excited, going too far, but you need to put her out of your mind and get yourself calm and rested as your world is about to be turned upside down.

I hope it all goes well.

just accept politely and then don't use what you don't like. I got tones of jeans and collared shirts and dressy pants - never used. I warned my mom and she didn't initially listen - but whatever, its her money. She did start to come around after a while when she noticed she never got her photo ops with those items. I have it all stashed away and at some point will donate it all so it won't be wasted in the end.

Skip the lot if you want. You did warn her:)

I warned folk not to buy me Disney shite, so when I was gifted a bag full of Tigger and Pooh stuff it got lobbed into the nearest charity shop within 12 hours.

Enjoy you new arrival when she comes:)

OK. So MIL update...

Phoned her yesterday to discuss the whole 'coming to visit/stay straight away' issue.

I totally wussed out of discussing the pink clothes any further - just said 'thank you they're lovely' (why oh why!) to which she replied 'I know you said no pink but I knew you'd come round, I couldn't resist, my gd should be wearing pink'

This will clearly need dealing with another time :) BUT like a few of you have said, pick your battles wisely..

Anyway..onto the visit issue. Did not go well. I took a deep breathe and told her that due to the fact I'm being induced (later today eek), my medical conditions which mean I will be kept in afterwards, possibly for 3-5 days depending, the fact I want to bf and it's my first so I have no clue what I'm doing, the fact it IS our first baby so we will probably be shell shocked etc...we want to have and spend precious time on OUR OWN initially.

She accused me of being selfish, rude and said I was totally out of order. The baby was 'not a possession' for me to decide who should and shouldn't see her and when and I was being ridiculous.

Now am I allowed to be blazing?! ;) I'm 38 fgs, I think I'm allowed my own opinion on these matters. She actually then said, well what about friends who pop round unannounced wanting to spend time with her, are you going to send them away as well - to which I replied, none of my friends would turn up unannounced, they'd wait for an invite!!!

I mentioned about how I had no idea how I'd be feeling (emotional, sore, weepy whatever) and wanted this time on our own and I would surface for lots of lovely visits etc when I was ready. This was not good enough for her.

It's been left on a really bad note. My poor DH is TOTALLY in agreement with me incidentally and felt awful cos he said he felt like his mother was bullying me.

MIL's specifically out there - any suggestions for dealing with this?

She accused me of being selfish, rude and said I was totally out of order. The baby was 'not a possession' for me to decide who should and shouldn't see her and when and I was being ridiculous.

The baby is yours and your DH's, so yes, you do get to make all the decisions. You are soooo not out of order.

she's nuts. EVERYONE knows that parents need a bit of time together with their baby to get to know their new family.

It makes the pink seem not so bad! Ignore her. You've told her now. I think any communication between now and when you want to see her next should come from her DS.

Good luck! Hope it all goes smoothly for you.

Why oh why do some mils put so much pressure on dils at the time of gc birth?!I know they're excited, but can't they remember how stressful/emotional the birth process is?

I had the same thing, you need to back off and insist to your dh that he deals with his mother and all potential visitors. In the long run he should also deal with his bullying mother, it will save you a lot of,stress, works for us!

Good luck for today :)

Ohh she is a silly old bag. Ignore, ignore and ignore some more.... Don't bother putting any more energy or thought into it. You have much more important things to think about.

Good luck for today. You must be soooooooo excited. I bet you can't wait to meet your new baby. . [hsmile]

Tell her to stay the fuck away.
You don't have to accept visitors in hospital if you don't want them anyway.

And good luck!

Regarding the pink- you probably won't care what your DD wears in the first eight weeks anyhow :o

I don't think your MIL does mean well tbh - she wants what she wants and she doesn't care if she stamps all over your feelings to get it.

I would have been pissed off at the clothes thing and would have taken them straight to the charity shop or died them any colour other than pink.

As for this insistence on visiting, she is way out of order here. This is your baby and you have every right to spend time alone with her and your dh. Stand your ground on this or you will feel resentful forever. You are in the fortunate position of having a supportive dh - so many men wimp out when it comes to conflict with their mothers. Be prepared for her to turn up anyway - in your position I would not answer the door until I knew who was outside.

She is wilfully ignoring you and saying that what she wants is more important than what you want - it isn't. That needs to be nipped in the bud before it gets worse.

Died? I can spell, honestly. I meant dyed.

Your DH doesn't actually sound as though he's putting the foot down. A bit mummy-whipped is he?

Oh dear . Not a MIL, but this sounds like your DH really needs to step up and tell his mother to stop bullying you. You really don't need this stress right now.

Why on earth is he not talking to his own DM and laying down the ground rules? He really needs to stand up to her as an adult, otherwise you run the risk of him always being cowed and infantilised around her. It may be difficult for him at first, but he has responsibilities as a partner and a parent, and that makes him much stronger (and gives him more of an advantage!) than he may realise.