MIL deliberately ignoring my wishes..AIBU or is she?!

[havingastress]

Quite prepared to accept it's me who's being unreasonable...

BUT I literally had the biggest stress out yesterday!

Baby due literally ANY minute, am being induced this week. It's her second grandchild.

We found out we were having a girl at the 20 week scan (with hindsight, won't find out again, but there you go!) ...and told parents and inlaws. Her first reaction was...Ooooh great I love all the little pink clothes and outfits you can get.

Now....daft I know..but I BLOODY HATE PALE PINK BABY CLOTHES!!! You know...the whole rows of the stuff in Asda, Next, M+S. it's that insipid pink. Ewww. Anyway, I laughed and told her, Oh god please NO PINK..Honestly, I don't like it and I won't be dressing my daughter in it. Please save your money!! She was categorically told for want of a better way of putting it!

My mum has bought us 5 beautiful outfits for our daughter - each time she phoned before she purchased, described how it looked and asked would I be ok with her buying it.. Totally over the top as it's my mum and I know she has brilliant taste! But I appreciated her respect, and she said she knew from personal experience how annoying it is to receive loads of stuff you don't like because then you feel pressurized into using it because you feel guilty.

MIL turned up yesterday with a bin liner. A bin liner FULL of a mix of second hand clothes, car boot purchases, ebay purchases and some reduced sale stock from Asda and Next. ALL BLOODY PINK. THE WHOLE BLOODY LOT. A ridiculous amount of clothes that I have no idea where to put. She actually said, 'I know you said no pink, but come on, it's a girl, I want her to wear pink'

I was blazing! I feel as though she is deliberately ignoring my wishes, spending money needlessly (which then makes me feel guilty) and forcing HER wishes/beliefs onto me.

I know if I get rid of them to the charity shop/ebay she will open the wardrobe and demand to know where they are. The stuff with tags I took the whole lot back last night and swopped for 9-12months plain babygros etc that will be used and we will be very grateful for.

So...AIBU or is she? And even if it's ME being U, how the hell do I get her to stop buying loads of crap that I don't want?!

Of course YABU. You know you are. :) But you're ALLOWED to be a bit unreasonable at 41 weeks pregnant (or is it 42?!)

Do whatever you want with the clothes for now. Don't say anything to your MIL just yet. You may find you feel totally differently about pink your MIL absolutely everything things in a couple of weeks.

Oops, posted without looking at the last few pages, sorry . Congratulations!
I think my post still applies though :)

Some nasty comments on here

Do those of you who would ostentatiously chuck out wearable clothes in front of the giver or brand someone a "massive controlling bitch" really act like that in RL? If so, I feel sorry for your friends and family.

The solution is simple. Take the bag, smile and say thank you. Sort through the clothes, take out any bits that you could use - can't believe that you would deem all to be unwearable. Then take the rest to charity shop/freecycle/ebay/women's refuge.

Job done.

tryharder That might sort out the clothes issue, but not the rudeness re: the chosen names for the baby. What do you suggest they do about that?

TryHarder, the clothes only represent the issue that the MIL is trying to make the decisions. Like telling the parents of this child what the name should be. Like telling them she'll get a playmat and telling the parents of the child they should take theirs back.

The MIL should be sitting back and letting her son and his wife enjoy their time with their DD, she's had her chance with her own children.

tryharder has moved on a bit since then!

OP firstly... congratulations!!!! You have an amazing new baby, and you shouldn't let anything spoil that, especially not this very strange, controlling woman.
Was your DH so upset because he really believes she's losing it? because she doesn't sound rational does she?!

You're doing everything right, stand up to her at every turn, just don't get upset when she's down right rude, she doesn't sound right to me for your excellent news

New baby smell and maiden name for a middle name. Perfect. Congratulations having

She sounds like really hard work. I'm sorry you're having to put up with this on top of all the other excitement, worry and confusion of your new daughter.

The only advice I can offer is to detach. Pinkgate, playmatgate and nameplate will be followed by another gate but it's her problem.

OP, congratulations on the birth of your little girl! Enjoy her, spend as much time as you want looking at her. Before you know it, she'll be toddling about, throwing tantrums and getting very messy with food (yep, I have an 18 month old), so please try to compartmentalise these issues with MIL so you can look back at this time with some fond memories.
Try and let your DH deal with his mother. She's still probably blame you, but it will be much better coming from him in the long run.
And for what it's worth, I probably would have done the same as you with all the pink things. I have a DS, he suits stronger colours and that 'Alice in Wonderland' pale blue did him no favours. But luckily, my MIL did listen and the things she has got him have been ok (but the wrong size, so I've still had to change them!). But she does have a thing about buying him the same toy as she got her other GC at the same age, so cue lots of PA comments about not being allowed to get him a trampoline (a- unless we win the lottery to enable us to buy a new house with a bigger garden there is just not the space and b- if there was the space, we would only be happy with the type that has a net). Luckily, my DH does stand up to her.
And as for name gate, wow, words fail me. I agree with others who have said that she needs to know how upset both you and your DH are with this and an apology must come your way. I cannot think how she could twist this to make you the 'bad guys', all you have is done is honour both families in your DDs name and her reaction is so very disrespectful.
I wish you luck with dealing with her, stand your ground, I have a strong suspicion if you give an inch, a mile will be taken....

My MIL does exactly the same, I probably don't use 90% of it, but it occasionally comes in useful in emergencies....her speciality is dressing gowns for babies and summer dresses in winter etc.
I give most of it to my cleaner, who sends it back to the phillipines.

OMG, just caught up!!

Firstly congrats on your beautiful girl

Your mil is totally out of order on the name thing and you are owed one MASSIVE apology!! Stick to your guns, you are right this is way, way bigger than the pink clothes thing!!

Tryharder I'm referring to her mils behaviour since the birth, and her reaction to using the maiden name as a middle name! The mil is trying to control, and as she is failing to (thank goodness OP's dh is defending his wife) she is throwing a big bitchy strop! Nothing to do with clothes, my response to the clothes was very reasonable :)

This is what the mil said, and it made OP and her dh both cry fgs.

"what on earth have you done that for? That's so stupid. Take her back and tell them you've made a mistake. Get it changed now. She's a 'DH surname' not a 'Maiden name' You can't give a baby that as a middle name. She's got nothing to do with 'maidenname' now"

If you decide to ever speak to the battle axe again, and I suppose eventually, some day, that you will...well, when that day comes, and you have "tamed the shew" so to speak, perhaps get her to go volunteer where her urge to mother will be useful. Maybe at a hospital, if the UK has volunteers to visit maternity wards and cuddle the babies that are going through withdrawal or something that will really fulfill her need to be needed and important.

Meanwhile, don't let her get to you. If is just a stupid woman ranting about something, because she wants to be in control and who knows why. She isn't logical.

You have you sweet baby, you and your dh will be the ones who decide the important things. Just relax and have a really nice day with your new little family. Take lot's of pics of baby and you and dh, and cuddle and wear jammies all day and let dh spoil you.

Sorry for all the typo's. *It is just, not "If".

Baby smells absolutely delish I keep having a smell and a cuddle whenever I'm feeling teary (which is pretty much all the time at the minute, MIL aside! Day 4/5 fairly normal I'm guessing?!)

Have shown DH this thread - he actually said before I did, Have you asked what Mumsnet think! Bless him. He also said thank you for all the great advice. We've ignored her last 3 phone calls ..very satisfying!

I can't believe I found time to do anything before this! Life is now just a carousel of feeding, winding, changing, cuddling, feeding, winding....! Not enough hours in the day!

We are finally 'opening our doors' so to speak this evening to our lovely friends and family who are desperate to come round for a cuddle! (she is soo teeny tiny..she's lost weight :S normal?! She's now 5 pounds 10..just a little dot! BUT she is feeding well, and seems happy and settled!)

Oh. This newborn mother lark is just soooo AMAZING!!! I remember screaming 'Never again' during labour...erm...ohhh..I think I just might!!!

havingastress, first and most important - congratulations on your new baby.

Your MIL certainly seems to have issues...

I was wondering how she is getting on with your SIL and her new baby. Is she also trying to interfere there? If so, how is your SIL handling this? (Sorry if you have already mentioned this and I have just missed it.)

Depending on how MIL is being with her GS - and also depending on how well you and DH get on with SIL and her OH - maybe you could present a united front to highlight to her how interfering she is being.

Best of luck, OP.

Oh xpost! How lovely. Am that I can't have a kiss and cuddle with your newborn too.

So, so lovely to sense the happiness from your last post. Tears are normal - hormones are all over the place at the moment. Baby losing weight is normal too, if it becomes an abnormally large amount, your midwife will let you know.

Enjoy her. These first days are precious, as are all the days as your family grow up.

What a lovely post. You sound so smitten with your little bundle, and your dh is obviously a star.

Three things:-

1. Massive congratulations on your gorgeous little girl and enjoy every precious second.

2. Your dh sounds fantastic and you are lucky to be on the same page, so to speak, so that is something else to be grateful for!

3. I know this has moved on from the clothes issue...to say the least...but I loved the suggestion you got upthread about dying some of the clothes!! Yes, yes - pick a bundle and throw them in the washer with a purple or red or green dye and then do another batch in another colour! I love this idea - you'll get to use the clothes and mil will hopefully recognise them but that they're 'doctored'...see what she says (tee hee).

Teary at this time is very normal. It was the day they changed their minds about discharging DD1 because of jaundice and I was disappointed. Unfortunately the tears coursing down my cheeks made everyone else think I was devastated!

Losing weight in the first few days is expected too so don't worry.

You sound like you've got it judged just right in terms of allowing a little visiting but not letting it disrupt your family time.

Keep ignoring the phone. It may be a little PA but it sends a very strong message and one which I think your MIL needs at the moment. It's also the least stressful way for you and your DH to get the message across.

BTW it took me 5 years to decide I would do it again so you're doing very well!

Aawwwwwwww!! That's the nicest post op!!

havinga, that's a lovely post - I'm a bit further down the New Baby road than you but in the same "awww" state.

Tears are normal at 4-5d (baby blues) and so is some weight loss - sounds like you're doing fine. :)

OP such a nice post - I remember bursting into tears at anything Christmas related last year (John Lewis ads were the worst) because I was just so overwhelmed at the fact that it was DS's first Christmas. What a magical time for you and your DH.

Wombat I can tell you, from painful experience, exactly how she might twist the name choice round to make the OP and her DH the bad guys - she'll claim they did it deliberately to hurt her. When this happened to us my DH posted in Relationships detailing what happened - your DH may find it interesting to read OP: you can see it here. That thread ends on Christmas Eve - we then attempted a rapprochement, saying we would let sleeping dogs lie and were even prepared to overlook the lack of apology, but when the nasty texts continued DH cut contact as I described above.

xiaoxiong gosh, is pretty similar. As you say, who knows what other issues are going on in their heads?

MIL rang yesterday morning and had a rant and a half at DH saying I was controlling and denying her access to her granddaughter - how dare we stop her seeing the baby, how dare we show the baby to my best friend for an hour before her (bear in mind my OWN mother hasn't met her yet because she is incredibly poorly and can't travel) ..

TBH I was a bit annoyed at DH when he got off the phone - I know she caught him off guard, but he should have told her to fuck off pipe down but instead HE was the one apologising! He really hasn't emphasised enough that I had a bad birth, still in a lot of pain, very teary, still getting my head around bf'ing - I feel I should get on the phone to her and tell it like it is, but then I also feel it's HIS mother and he should deal with her?!

DH getting upset now about all this. 9 times he said sorry to her on the phone NINE TIMES!!! She hasn't said sorry ONCE.

Baby is now 6 days old and absolutely gorgeous!!!! (even if we are both sleep deprived!) When I look at her, I melt - and realise I actually cba getting into all this crap with MIL, I'm actually past caring what she thinks of me, how she feels etc.

Your DH needs to phone his DM back and give her details of local hotels she can stay in overnight. You need to decide how much of the day you would like her to be with you and let her know that she will be welcome to visit every afternoon up until xpm.

She needs to understand that you are not denying her access to her DGC. You are denying her the opportunity to invade your household and make everything happen her way.

You and your DH need to make a point of working with each other to solve this. If she can make you get cross with him she's won. Don't let that happen.