MIL deliberately ignoring my wishes..AIBU or is she?!

[havingastress]

Quite prepared to accept it's me who's being unreasonable...

BUT I literally had the biggest stress out yesterday!

Baby due literally ANY minute, am being induced this week. It's her second grandchild.

We found out we were having a girl at the 20 week scan (with hindsight, won't find out again, but there you go!) ...and told parents and inlaws. Her first reaction was...Ooooh great I love all the little pink clothes and outfits you can get.

Now....daft I know..but I BLOODY HATE PALE PINK BABY CLOTHES!!! You know...the whole rows of the stuff in Asda, Next, M+S. it's that insipid pink. Ewww. Anyway, I laughed and told her, Oh god please NO PINK..Honestly, I don't like it and I won't be dressing my daughter in it. Please save your money!! She was categorically told for want of a better way of putting it!

My mum has bought us 5 beautiful outfits for our daughter - each time she phoned before she purchased, described how it looked and asked would I be ok with her buying it.. Totally over the top as it's my mum and I know she has brilliant taste! But I appreciated her respect, and she said she knew from personal experience how annoying it is to receive loads of stuff you don't like because then you feel pressurized into using it because you feel guilty.

MIL turned up yesterday with a bin liner. A bin liner FULL of a mix of second hand clothes, car boot purchases, ebay purchases and some reduced sale stock from Asda and Next. ALL BLOODY PINK. THE WHOLE BLOODY LOT. A ridiculous amount of clothes that I have no idea where to put. She actually said, 'I know you said no pink, but come on, it's a girl, I want her to wear pink'

I was blazing! I feel as though she is deliberately ignoring my wishes, spending money needlessly (which then makes me feel guilty) and forcing HER wishes/beliefs onto me.

I know if I get rid of them to the charity shop/ebay she will open the wardrobe and demand to know where they are. The stuff with tags I took the whole lot back last night and swopped for 9-12months plain babygros etc that will be used and we will be very grateful for.

So...AIBU or is she? And even if it's ME being U, how the hell do I get her to stop buying loads of crap that I don't want?!

Don't quite know what to call huggies because they don't hold anything. There isn't much point to them!

With the MIL I would grimace and thank them. My MIL bought half of H&M for DD against our wishes. In hindsight I am very happy that I thanked them and took some pictures of DD in the clothes. Within 4 months DD had grown out of everything and DH told her not to buy anything else because we had so many friends offloading their baby clothes on us.

My relationship with my MIL has improved so much since having DD and I think it is both because I kept my mouth shut and she calmed down. I think we can forget that it is a huge event for them too. My SIL won't be having children and I think this also adds to the occassion. That being said I draw the line at my MIL being in the delivery room for the birth. That ain't happening!

YANBU. She is totally going against your wishes. I love pink for girls Tough tiity if she wants your baby to be dressed in pink or black with silver spots for that matter!

Return what you can, sell, charity shop or re-gift the rest. If she asks you were it is, tell her. She was told.

With regard to the wrong sizes/wrong season: for one thing, your baby may not be the right size for their age in clothes (my dd1 is tiny, so wears a size or two below her age) and for another, you can always add tights and a cardigan to a summer dress to make it warmer.

I think you've done the right thing in exchanging what you could. Just put the rest in a cupboard, and just put the baby in the odd outfit when MIL visits.

I totally get where you're coming from though, but it doesn't sound like she's going to change!

In your shoes, I would return labeled stuff (as you have) and then sort though the other stuff and put them in two piles - things you can't stand and things that are slightly bearable. I don't think it matters that anything is second hand to be honest.

Green looks nice with pink. Purple also. Maybe you can mix and match. Try to put DD in a non pink colour when she sees MIL.

havingastress

It is your baby and I don't at all think that you wishes are unreasonable. Honestly though (and my IL's are awful!!!) I think you need to be really smart about how you go about getting your own way. Someone else suggested keeping the bin bag in another room. That is better than binning them in front of your MIL. But if she wants to come and stay in the first week then organise yourself a very nicey nicey, 'no thank you.' Rather than 'WOULD RATHER POKE PINS IN MY EYES, GET STUFFED!!!!!!!!!!!'

Good luck and make sure you keep your dh in the loop so he knows how to support you.

x

I like hot pink! Hell..I like a smattering of pink with green, or pink with purple ;)

Totally take on board what ppl have said about how you can actually wear some summer type stuff when it's colder - Honestly, I hadn't really appreciated that, so I will double check through what I've put in the 'not keeping pile'

I'm half way through re-sorting the tiny nursery. Feel MUCH better for having had a rant on MN even if it's mainly just proven I'm a hormonal sleep deprived wreck one day before being induced!

I agree second hand doesn't matter - at all. It's whether or not it's usable and whether I can bear it or not!

and...breathe! ...!!!
still haven't worked out what to do with steriliser though

YANBU

I'd go through the remainding clothes again and divide into 2 piles. Ones that are ok and ones you really don't like. Then charity shop those you don't like.
I love charity shops and they are always full of baby girls clothes (much harder to find stuff for boys : (), so you can always pick up stuff cheaply when you need it. Your house will be taken over with baby stuff without storing stuff for several months down the line.

I'd get rid of the steriliser. I buy loads second hand but wouldn't want a 2nd hand one. It's fine to be snobby about some things!

Huggies- I preferred Pampers. Some friends preferred Huggies. Think it depends on your baby's shape. Just try them and if not great use for days at home only.

Visiting after birth. My own DM was a bit of a PITA and her idea of 'help' was hogging the baby. She complained to my DS that I had given her a list of jobs (eg put wash on, buy milk and bread etc so clearly thought she'd be needed in a baby advisory role).
MIL was very overbearing and followed me round the house if I left the room. After my experiences there is no way I'd let her stay. Especially if she might undermine you feeding etc

I'd also stop describing yourself as hormonal. Your feelings are valid!
She's excited. You're excited. She might be offended and strop if she doesn't get her way. You might be offended and strop if you don't get yours. However, you are the MUM so you come first.
I really don't understand posters who seem to think new Mums should tiptoe round the grandparents- I expect they have grandparents who don't tend to overstep boundaries.

I would sort through the stuff you received and return / swap what you can tomorrow (though think you've done this already) and deposit the rest at a charity shop. Clear nursery achieved. Not worth the stress. 30+ of essentials already sounds almost too much to me (but did have very limited space when ours were tiny). If your MIL asks tell her like it is / say her stuff must be in the wash / play dumb depending on how you're feeling. Would try not to give her any head space or it'll ruin your time with your new lo.

Another one here who hates pink.

For m own DD I gave up the battle and embraced the pinkness in the end.

It's not right, but it's a lot less stressful At the end of the day it means you have lots of clothes for the endless changes that sicky babies tend to get through....

For everyone who is complaining about Huggies nappies, don't worry any more about it......they announced on Wednesday morning that they are closing the entire plant and putting my DH and 377 other people out of work. So you won't have to worry about it anymore, or waste any more breath telling anyone else they're crap, problem solved.....wahey.......

I think that some posters are ignoring the REAL problem, which is that the MIL
completely ignored her DIL's wishes. Dil says that she doesn't want pink clothes and what does MIl do, go out and buy a load of pink clothing. This is what i would regard as passive aggressive behaviour.
The next thing will be that mil will be telling Op how to bring up the baby.Mark my words, this is just the beginning...

I would just get rid of the steriliser and any of the clothes you don't want.

I uses Huggies and found them ok, no better or worse than any of the other nappies. (I used to get whatever was on offer)

Oooh jealous!! I wish my MIL would come round with bags of clothes.

All the crappy things that happen in life, this is really not a big deal. It might feel like it now, but it isn't.

I appreciate she has ignored your wishes, but it's not worth raging about.

I think you are a bit pretentious, if I'm honest, having to have your baby in tasteful outfits. They puke, and grow out of them so quickly.

All our baby clothes, bar gifts, are second hand. Be grateful for what you have.

I think you need to deal with her visiting idea today - otherwise it will bother you tomorrow.

For the first couple of weeks you should only have people around who make you feel supported and helped, if your MIL gets your back up now, you will hate having her there. I made DH keep my parents away, because they'd be a hinderence, not help.

Hand your DH the phone now, tell him to call his mum and make it clear neither of you want her to stay in the first few weeks. Explain to him you won't forgive him if he gives into her and lets her stay, he has to upset one of the woman in his life, he should think carefully about letting the one who's upset be his wife who's about to go through childbirth.

and get rid of the stuff you don't want today. You are under no obligation to keep stuff

OP, YANBU. You haven't been rude, but I do agree with the poster who said this seems like your MIL is being very passive aggressive.

I also hate that insipid 'baby' pink colour and there is no way on this earth that I was going to dress DD in it. I don't care how many babygrows she was sick on/had a nappy leak on! I made it absolutely clear to everyone, especially the relatives that were 'oooh, a GIRL!' as if it's so important what gender my child is, that she would not be dressed in any baby pink.

She does wear some pink stuff now, still not baby pink, but also wears other colours, most often browns/blues etc. I never fail to be amazed by the number of people who assume she is a boy because she is not wearing pink. Not that it bothers me, I'm just astounded by their narrowmindedness.

I would be more cross at the I want her to wear pink! attitude.

Sorry, just read that she wants to come and stay for four nights after baby is born. I'd be raging about this, more so than the clothes.

Tell your DH to tell her that you don't want any house guests for the first six weeks. If she's wants to visit her GC, and doesn't live locally, she'll need to stay in a B & B. I would hold firm on this. I'd hate to have my MIL stay over.

YANBU!

You asked for no pink; you got pink.
You asked for no huggies; you got huggies.
You asked for her not to visit for the first few days so you can establish your relationship with your child....

This needs sorting NOW. I think it's up to your DH to do it.

Otherwise there'll be issues with feeding/sleeping/TV/discipline/christmas and so on.

You are the parent. The buck stops with you - so your MIL needs to respect your parenting decisions.

All the best for tomorrow. I was induced and it really was fine.

PS I don't know how feasible this is but how about dying stuff. Pink + blue = purple. Which could be quite lovely.

Yanbu, she needs to respect your wishes. Stand firm or you'll have a lifetime if her disregarding your parenting choices.

Just get rid. Too much stuff means too much laundry builds up. DS2 averages 3 pukey outfits a day, I still don't need 30 babygros.
Don't get rid of anything decent on big sizes just because it might be out of season. DS2 is 12 weeks and in 6-9mo. I thought I wouldn't need anything new as he was born within a fortnight of DS1, but he's wearing stuff now his brother wore in early spring.

Don't think YABU in any way. This would really have annoyed me. Just get rid of the stuff you don't need or want. And don't have her stay, I had this with my mum and it was very difficult. I'd have loved our close families to see our baby the day it was born like every other grandchild born into the family but we live 400 miles away and I wanted some time on out own with the baby rather then having guests 24/7. I know I hurt her and I regret that, just a very difficult decision.

good luck!

YANBU, the pink clothes issue is also a bit of a red herring. It's the fact she's ignoring your opinions and imposing herself and her wishes.

I really don't get this idea anyway that gifts are inherently good and you should just be grateful for anything that is a gift. The thought behind a gift isn't necessarily positive and gift giving is often as much (or more) about the giver's needs and interests being met as the recipient.

YANBU

But you're massively over reacting imo

It's just a colour - not the end of the world.