MIL deliberately ignoring my wishes..AIBU or is she?!

[havingastress]

Quite prepared to accept it's me who's being unreasonable...

BUT I literally had the biggest stress out yesterday!

Baby due literally ANY minute, am being induced this week. It's her second grandchild.

We found out we were having a girl at the 20 week scan (with hindsight, won't find out again, but there you go!) ...and told parents and inlaws. Her first reaction was...Ooooh great I love all the little pink clothes and outfits you can get.

Now....daft I know..but I BLOODY HATE PALE PINK BABY CLOTHES!!! You know...the whole rows of the stuff in Asda, Next, M+S. it's that insipid pink. Ewww. Anyway, I laughed and told her, Oh god please NO PINK..Honestly, I don't like it and I won't be dressing my daughter in it. Please save your money!! She was categorically told for want of a better way of putting it!

My mum has bought us 5 beautiful outfits for our daughter - each time she phoned before she purchased, described how it looked and asked would I be ok with her buying it.. Totally over the top as it's my mum and I know she has brilliant taste! But I appreciated her respect, and she said she knew from personal experience how annoying it is to receive loads of stuff you don't like because then you feel pressurized into using it because you feel guilty.

MIL turned up yesterday with a bin liner. A bin liner FULL of a mix of second hand clothes, car boot purchases, ebay purchases and some reduced sale stock from Asda and Next. ALL BLOODY PINK. THE WHOLE BLOODY LOT. A ridiculous amount of clothes that I have no idea where to put. She actually said, 'I know you said no pink, but come on, it's a girl, I want her to wear pink'

I was blazing! I feel as though she is deliberately ignoring my wishes, spending money needlessly (which then makes me feel guilty) and forcing HER wishes/beliefs onto me.

I know if I get rid of them to the charity shop/ebay she will open the wardrobe and demand to know where they are. The stuff with tags I took the whole lot back last night and swopped for 9-12months plain babygros etc that will be used and we will be very grateful for.

So...AIBU or is she? And even if it's ME being U, how the hell do I get her to stop buying loads of crap that I don't want?!

OP has your DH had the conversation with your mil about when she will be visiting after the birth? I would really advise that you get that clear now, if your mil has form for disregarding your wishes

Absolutely agree with Scarynuff! Good luck tomorrow OP!

MIL was notorious for bringing us tons of crap, including mates' old sheets (they were having a clear out) when we were squished in tiny flats.

So I got rid - clothing banks, flog it, etc.

To be fair with the season stuff you can adjust that by putting long sleeve vests under short sleeves.

I am not the hugest fan of pink for my DD she does wear it sometimes but also wears purples, blues, reds etc. Sell the stuff on ebay if you want or netmums or something and use the money for something you want.

I would keep a few outfits that she bought. My mum has totally different taste to me and I have given her a few hints and she is more in the right direction now. But then I never liked what my mum chose even at 18 months old.

The clothes were pink, not a load of crap.

Actually, I don't think YABU. I get where you're coming from as I too loathe pink. However in my case I humoured my mam because pink was her favourite colour, but she only bought the odd pink item/outfit, she would never have brought a whole bag of them!

I think it's really rude and disrespectful of your MIL to do what she did after you'd specifically said no pink, so I don't see why you shouldn't give them back to her. Plenty of people love pink and would no doubt be very grateful for them. My dd was dressed in a lot of ds's hand-me-downs, but I did buy her quite a few dresses, from ebay mostly as I like traditional rather than fashionable.

One word of warning re: your dd though - brace yourself for her to take after her grandma and love pink stuff. All of my pink avoidance was ultimately for naught, dd is now 6 and will generally choose pink over other colours.

tiggytape..you are absolutely right and sound much more reasonable than me at the moment. I have actually had zero sleep for the last 8 weeks or so due to quite nasty SPD! So maybe I can blame my ridiculous preciousness on that.

I hear everyone. I'm taking all views on board. Thank you all for bothering to post to help me see some sense! :)

levantine..erm..no not yet. That she did get shitty about. . I was in no state yesterday to bring it up with her again (I'm a coward!). BUT i will tell her, probably tomorrow just as we're going in.

Its understandable you are scared and worried and of course the last thing you need is any extra hassle.

Even if its not how you want it it would appear your MIL is trying to help which is good, perhaps your DH (or you) could talk to her and suggest things that really would be helpful. My parents paid for all of DS nappies which was a godsend.

Put her off coming to stay for now but tell her that if things get to much and you need a few hours sleep then you would love it if she comes around then (it may not happen but if it does then its good to have someone who can help especially if you DH has to go back to work in a few weeks)

I guess what I am saying is be pleased she wants to be involved but try to focus that to ways which are helpful to you but still makes her feel useful.

Please get it sorted before you have the baby. My mil spoiled a lot of the first week of ds1's life for me. She is a kind overbearing insensitive woman, I was sleep deprived, ansxious about ds1's health, had had a traumatic birth.......

Better her feelings hurt now than everyone upset in a weeks time

I didn't want my daughter all pinked up either, though people like Mum's friends (who I don't even know), insisted on buying pink outfits etc.
You should put your foot down, maybe best to get hubby to do it as someone said on p.1. She obviously completely ignored you! And that's what worries me on your behalf. As if it is her decision that your baby wears pink. I would have fumed too. And probably put up with it in the past. I found out to my cost (XMIL) that you can't afford to let boundaries be breached like this.

Actually she isn't always overbearing and insensitive but she lost the plot for that week

OP I am so sorry for your loss x

I hope all goes well for you tomorrow, what time are you booked in for, first thing?

Will you being able to keep up updated? (Not being pushy or anything )

scary the clutter is definitely bugging me!

Right. I'm going to get off mumsnet, look honestly through everything else that is sat there in bin liners (there is actually MORE stuff..I just couldn't honestly face opening it yesterday after opening the bin liner of clothes and the steriliser!) and make a RATIONAL decision about what to do with it/where to put it/where to store it.

I really would like a lovely calm space to bring the baby home to :)

I actually like pink and dressed dd in loads of it BUT it was always that bright shocking pink and it does suit her. Not a fan of the pale pink either.

There will be a few bits in there you can use just hang a few up and then put the rest under the bed. I don't think it's worth making a fuss about tbh and would give it no more than a "ffs!" whispered to DH.

Sorry, but I do think the MIL is being controlling.

If my DS has a child with his wife or partner, I plan to ask her a) what she wants prefers b) if and when we're welcome to visit c) rules of the house.

Etc.

And I plan to ask my own daughter the same if she has children.

I will respect their wishes.

Sure, it'll be my GC, and having lost a child myself I'll be very happy to have them, but it's their children. I already had my children and chance.

Suggest to your MIL that her sterliser is kept at her house for when you visit. Saves you worrying about storage

Booked in for 8pm tomorrow evening...eek! Scared rigid.

Yes, ha. I shall update this thread and let you know!

levantine this is what is worrying me primarily I guess...sorry you had a rubbish time. :(

I told MIL several times we were short on space. It was obvious. She still kept bringing the crap in.

And out it went.

Everyone needs a strategy for baby stuff. In 3 months time you are going to have 30+ babygros that are too small. What are you going to do with these? If you are going to pack it all in the loft, these clothes can go up there too for any subsequent children. If you are going to sell it then put it aside for that (nct sales good for getting rid of lots in one go). You could charity shop it all. If you have a second baby then by the time it arrives you could have a cot, moses basket, steriliser, 2 years worth of clothes including coats, wellies, sandals etc, toys, books, a pushchair, a baby car seat, a playmat, stairgates, sling, potties, bed guard, foot muff etc etc. My advice on this is to decide on your strategy now and then deal with this stuff accordingly.

Manners dictate that you keep some of it and it sounds like you have sorted some out that you like so that is fine. Put the steriliser on freecycle/freegle or if that seems too big a job put it in the bin. Right now, then it is gone.

I think you will have a better relationship with your family if you assume they are motivated by love more than control.

sirzy would be a great idea, but her own daughter had a baby only 8 weeks ago or so, so she already HAS a steriliser in her own house! (plus her own pram!) Not too sure yet where I'm going to put that one! Kitchen is teeny tiny, no space in the cupboards! All beds are full underneath them, and all cupboards full! Hmm!

Oh, and you do not lift a finger when she's there. You've just had a baby, you're not there to make her tea, meals, etc. Your husband and she can do that.

Youve said a few times now this is her second grandchild and also her first was with her own daughter as if this somehow makes it less exciting or less important to her, if this is the case I dont agree with this at all.

sirzy would be a great idea, but her own daughter had a baby only 8 weeks ago or so, so she already HAS a steriliser in her own house! (plus her own pram!) Not too sure yet where I'm going to put that one! Kitchen is teeny tiny, no space in the cupboards! All beds are full underneath them, and all cupboards full! Hmm!'

Get rid of it!

Really don't understand the "ungrateful" flak you're getting here, OP.

If the MIL had offered to cook batch meals for her after the birth and she'd said great, but I don't like fish, thanks! and the MIL turned up with 2 weeks' worth of frozen fish pie, would you still be saying she was ungrateful?

If she'd offered to buy her DS's Xmas presents and she'd said great, but no guns, please! and he was given a rack of mini-Kalashnikovs ... ditto??

It's not about clothes, pink, babies, puke or ANYTHING other than DELIBERATELY IGNORING someone's polite but definite wishes. She's not being "an excited grandma"; she's being RUDE!