MIL deliberately ignoring my wishes..AIBU or is she?!

[havingastress]

Quite prepared to accept it's me who's being unreasonable...

BUT I literally had the biggest stress out yesterday!

Baby due literally ANY minute, am being induced this week. It's her second grandchild.

We found out we were having a girl at the 20 week scan (with hindsight, won't find out again, but there you go!) ...and told parents and inlaws. Her first reaction was...Ooooh great I love all the little pink clothes and outfits you can get.

Now....daft I know..but I BLOODY HATE PALE PINK BABY CLOTHES!!! You know...the whole rows of the stuff in Asda, Next, M+S. it's that insipid pink. Ewww. Anyway, I laughed and told her, Oh god please NO PINK..Honestly, I don't like it and I won't be dressing my daughter in it. Please save your money!! She was categorically told for want of a better way of putting it!

My mum has bought us 5 beautiful outfits for our daughter - each time she phoned before she purchased, described how it looked and asked would I be ok with her buying it.. Totally over the top as it's my mum and I know she has brilliant taste! But I appreciated her respect, and she said she knew from personal experience how annoying it is to receive loads of stuff you don't like because then you feel pressurized into using it because you feel guilty.

MIL turned up yesterday with a bin liner. A bin liner FULL of a mix of second hand clothes, car boot purchases, ebay purchases and some reduced sale stock from Asda and Next. ALL BLOODY PINK. THE WHOLE BLOODY LOT. A ridiculous amount of clothes that I have no idea where to put. She actually said, 'I know you said no pink, but come on, it's a girl, I want her to wear pink'

I was blazing! I feel as though she is deliberately ignoring my wishes, spending money needlessly (which then makes me feel guilty) and forcing HER wishes/beliefs onto me.

I know if I get rid of them to the charity shop/ebay she will open the wardrobe and demand to know where they are. The stuff with tags I took the whole lot back last night and swopped for 9-12months plain babygros etc that will be used and we will be very grateful for.

So...AIBU or is she? And even if it's ME being U, how the hell do I get her to stop buying loads of crap that I don't want?!

Ds is wearing a pink top today so mind boggles what that says about him!

If you have enough stuff now OP (you probably don't though)
then tell her no more stuff thanks, but if you want we could use some more wipes etc.

She is trying to help i am sure, we were spoiled with Mil, she loves to shop so DS has a lot of stuff from her, but then i am not overly fussy as long as it doesn't look like shit and falls to pieces, oh and i always said thank you.

OP have you thought about those stackable boxed drawers for inside the cupboards? We have those for DD's pjs, socks, shoes and vests. Saves us loads of space. We also had a small flat (1 bedroom) and recently moved to a 2 bed flat. same issue again as now we have a load of toys [hconfused]

Stick it in a cupboard until dd is 6 months old, and then pass them on as being too small.

You see, I don't agree that you should put the baby in a pink outfit just when MIL is around. I think that will just reinforce her idea that she knows best. It gives her completely the wrong message:

OP: No pink clothes for dd thankyou, I can't stand it and won't dress her in pink.
MIL: Here's a bag full of pink clothes for your baby dd.
OP: Oh, thanks

A few weeks later:
MIL: Oh, I see she's wearing that lovely pink outfit I got her
OP: Yes, thank you (silently fumes)
MIL: (smug) I knew she would see sense, baby girls should wear pink.

It's not actually about pink, it's about MIL forcing her wishes on OP. If you accept it and keep quiet about it she will keep on doing it.

Be honest, just say 'Remember, I told you we didn't need a steriliser' (or whatever) and refuse to accept it. It's not being rude, it's being assertive. MIL is being rude by completely ignoring what you say, OP. Rude and controlling. Nip it in the bud now.

treas Ungrateful for stuff that probably won't fit in the season it needs to? Ungrateful for deliberately duplicating a gift we already have just so that HER gift can be used in preference? Ungrateful that the day before I go into hospital, the nursery is now a shit tip full of bin liners and boxes!?

I'm trying to be objective today - the day after! I still kind of see this as her trying to force control onto the situation. I don't believe she is being helpful by providing clothes - if she was being helpful, she'd have bought us (either new or second hand, really genuinely not bothered) some babygros/vests for the 3-6month stage which she knows we have nothing for OR even better, she'd ASK her what would be useful! Rather than just getting what she wants.

My last friend who had a baby, I asked her what she wanted. She got it. £30quids worth of pampers nappies. :) (of course, I could have just gone and got something cute and pale blue to dress her son in, but I respected what she actually wanted!)

scary thank you.

Again you don't know what will fit and when. Dont get rid of clothes purely on that basis very food children grow at the rate clothes labels say they will

Oh! You need to be in control and sod everyone else, I see.

She wants to go mad on buying stuff for the baby - she is BU to have disregarded your wishes but try not to let it rile you. I think as someone mentioned she is maybe struggling with the new-ish to her role of GM. Try and cut her a bit of slack - but don't be a total "wuss".

I agree it isn't necessarily brilliant if you don't have much space - but maybe the thing to do is direct her purchases where it will be appreciated. So ask her, if she would like to buy anything more, that she could think about maybe buying a baby-gym or a lampshade for the nursery or a pushchair toy. And then after directing her in a specific direction then let her have some control over the choice then. So you may end up with a pink babygym - but if you keep stuff limited to one or two items surely you can live with it. In essence - focus her on something you can bear her to give you and then give her control.

If you also suggest that you may have a another DC at some point (even if you are not planning too) and are trying to keep things neutral so you can use for either sex then this may de-pink some of her choices.

And YY make it totally clear she cannot come for the 4 days. Make it clear she will be very, very welcome and lots of GMotherly cuddles will be a vital part of your DDs life - but those first few days could present you with anything. You will definitely call her for a visit as soon as you are able/ready but it will not be possible that soon.

I think if you don't want a big confrontation, you have good reasons for rejecting things so - "MIL, thank you for the big bag of clothes, but I've been through it and a lot of them aren't the right seasons for the age she'll be at the time, I mean, there are summer dresses that she'll only be big enough to fit into during the winter, so we won't use them. Would you like me to give them back to you or are you happy for me to pick a charity shop to send them too? I don't have space to store things we just won't use."

then for staying, I'd point out that it would be "more useful" for her to visit after your DH has gone back to work rather than straight away when you have DH to help out. That she can visit but you and DH would like some time alone to get used to your new baby, and of course you're telling your mum the same.

I'm starting to feel a bit sorry for MIL

Actually just realised she's done this the day before you go into hospital, sod being polite now, bag up what you definately don't want and don't have room to store, hand it to DH, tell him to get rid of it, he can either face his mum today and go round with it, or he can take it to a charity shop, but not keep it in the flat. You don't have the energy to deal with this now, make him.

As you've already sorted out the stuff you like, take the rest to a charity shop today. You don't need bags of stuff everywhere when you're about to have a baby! And if she asks what happened to it, just tell her! "I kept / exchanged the things I thought we would use and gave the rest to charity, I knew you wouldn't want it to go to waste." Good idea from someone above who said to keep the spare steriliser at hers, she can't argue with that. And don't put DD in pink to placate MIL, why should you?! As far as your daughter is concerned, she should respect your decisions. And there are plenty of non-pale pink clothes out there.

I'm guessing DGC1 is a boy? I'll be facing the same thing with MIL in February when DD is born. My MIL is really nice though and means well, plus she'll save us a fortune on clothes so I'll just be dressing DD like a frilly raspberry blancmange for at least a while! It's not worth stressing over. Babies go through so many clothes that the more you have the better, even if they are horrible!

Bloody hell op, I'm really shocked at the flack you're getting here.
Back off 'those of you who've not lived in a small flat' it's very difficult because you do have to be a bit controlling over stuff.
It's also not a great idea to have any guests with a new born, but I think I'd use pregnancy stress to blow her pink crap and staying plans out if the water. Although YANBU at all.

OP I hear you, this would have wound me up at your stage of pregnancy, even though it isn't that big a deal.

what IS as big deal is whether she comes to stay for four days after the birth. Have you got that resolved yet?

OP I hear you, this would have wound me up at your stage of pregnancy, even though it isn't that big a deal.

what IS as big deal is whether she comes to stay for four days after the birth. Have you got that resolved yet?

Sorry about double post.

don'tmind no, my own mother can't come up anyway for at least 6 weeks (she's very poorly) ...so it's not as if I'm saying mum can come but MIL can't. Relying on skype for my own family! (which I'm gutted about as obviously would love them to be here albeit not in the first few days either!)

treas we lost a baby last year. I guess this is why, yes, I do want to control this a little bit. MIL has five children. She's had her opportunity to smother her girl in pink or whatever. I feel smothered by her, in a way that I don't even feel smothered by my own mother - and this will be first gc for own mother, and second for MIL. And as I said earlier in thread, I'm scared shitless about baby getting here safely as it is - the last thing I needed right before going into hospital was her turning up with a load of crap!

I'm happy for baby to have a loving relationship with GP's of course - but first and foremost, I'm nervous/scared/excited about being a mother myself and want to treasure the experience. Is this really so bad? Why should I have to compromise what I would like just to keep MIL happy?

It's also not a great idea to have any guests with a new born

Why, do they steal them?

I don't uinderstand why people get upset when strangers can't guess the gender of their child.

DS2 is a very pretty child, and as a baby wore gender neutral most of the time. If people referred to him as "she," I just nodded and smiled, if they asked I told them, etc etc. I don't understand why it's so important to have a child instantly gender-identifiable?

Anyway, YANBU, XMIL did similar when DD was born, but the stuff was brand new (I chose to use pre-loved for almost everything.) Worst thing was a pale pink all-in-one saying "I love to shop" with high heels, a dummy, a bottle, a handbag and a lipstick embroidered on it. I put it on her once for a photo, then hid it.

It was manky. And from Mothercare!

DS1 used to wear a lot of tie-dye (I was bored) that's immense fun.

If you don't have room, if you already have 30+ babygrows and really don't need any spares, bag it all up and get dh to take it to the clothes bank today. Get it out of your house so that you have a lovely, calm space to bring your baby home to.

Whatever anyone else thinks, this is your special, life changing moment, a first baby, that only happens once in a lifetime. Bringing baby home to a safe, clean space with all the little things you have lovingly prepared for her is a moment so precious that it should not be spoiled by other people being unthoughtful or downright pushy.

Yes, you may look back and laugh at how ridiculous you were. You may do things completely differently next time, if there is a next. But for now, right here and now, you just need to look after yourself and do what feels right for you.

If all this clutter is bugging you, get rid of it. And don't give a hoot about who it upsets. Your feelings are just as valid x

A gift is a gift, no strings attached. I'd pick a couple of outfits and then flog the rest on a local selling FB thingy, as a bundle.