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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that this mum shouldn't have brought her other child?

142 replies

SmoothOperandus · 27/10/2012 19:49

I don't know the parents of the other children at my DD's class because the childminder takes her to school. My DD had been talking about this other girl and boy with whom she plays a lot, so I got in touch with their respective mums to arrange a playdate. As we don't know each other, I extended the invitation to them as well and said that other siblings would be welcome too. Mum 1 arrived with her DS, an absolute treasure of a boy, he behaved beautifully all afternoon. Mum 2 arrived with her DD who is my DD's friend, lovely little girl, played beautifully too. Now, Mum 2 also brought DS, a 3 YO. Now I'm sorry to say he was a little terror. He screamed the whole entire afternoon, gave me a horrendous headache, interrupted our conversation constantly... but worse still, when I was having coffee with the mums downstairs and he was playing upstairs, he caused absolute mayhem. He was extremely destructive, breaking toys, tearing pages off books, banging toys against the doors and chipping the paint off and causing several dents... I was very shocked when I went upstairs after everyone had left and saw the damage. I understand that he's only 3 but surely the mum shouldn't have let him off her sight if that's how he behaves!

OP posts:

difficultpickle · 27/10/2012 23:38

You'll know for next time. If you didn't know already then you have learned a useful lesson - other people's parenting is often not what you would do.

InspiredToBoot · 27/10/2012 23:40

Ooh maybe you need to look up such terms before throwing them around, try google, however, steer clear of Wikipedia, it's neither reputable or peer reviewed.

TwoKidsAndCounting · 27/10/2012 23:42

I think everyone's opinion on a spirited child would differ invariably, have I got spirited children? Maybe. Would I leave them unsupervised in a strangers house? Absolutely not. Would I use a child's play date to get acquainted with other mothers whilst a 3 yo lively toddler was upstairs loving the lack supervision?No. But would I learn from my mistakes and move on? Damn right! Not the other mother but if I were, than I would appreciate far more a direct approach to the griping and vindication of my lively, energetic 3 yo!

BlueberryHill · 27/10/2012 23:45

Vindication?

InspiredToBoot · 27/10/2012 23:47

The OP has said she didn't see the damage until after and also, it is clear the OP and her DH were just trying to be hospitable and it's difficult to be direct with a guest in your own house that you have only just met.

rhondajean · 27/10/2012 23:47

Vilification perchance?

Original poster

SmoothOperandus · 27/10/2012 23:51

I am going to go to bed now ladies. It's been an absolute pleasure. Night night.

OP posts:

Floggingmolly · 27/10/2012 23:57

Do your kids ever get invited anywhere a second time, TwoKids?

midseasonsale · 28/10/2012 00:21

Yes it's nice to have siblings over but mother should have kept the 3 year old in line. I completely relate. We had a 4 year old completely trash our house and the parents did nothing. I only realised how badly it was trashed after and spent hours tidying up the mess of one child.

I think a 3 year old should know not to damage a friends house. Are there any underlying issues as I don't think that's normal behavior. Is this child normally destructive?

Mosman · 28/10/2012 01:28

It's attention seeking behaviour children (and puppy's) destroy things when they are bored. Fact.

musicalendorphins · 28/10/2012 01:07

YWouldNBU to only meet that woman with the "spirited son", only in playgrounds or her place from now on.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 28/10/2012 07:25

I suppose the only thing I would say is, if you didn't realise the damage until after she left, are you sure that mum 2 was aware of all the bashing etc. if I was at the house of a new acquaintance, I might feel awkward about going upstairs, especially if I knew that your DH was up there and seemed to be keeping half an eye out.

LynetteScavo · 28/10/2012 08:36

"In my experienced, albeit, limited experience of play dates, there was no coffee drank by parents, no nice chats about the weather, no time to get acquainted, just lots of running around after 2, 3, 4 and 5 year olds all having fun, shouting and screaming to their hearts content,"

Now that sounds like the play date from hell. Coffee and carrot cake in the kitchen with the parents, while playing top trumps of who has the worst sleeper is more my thing. I let the children play with their friends, they have enough of me invading their games when they are at home.

2rebecca · 28/10/2012 08:45

I wouldn't have left a group of toddlers unsupervised upstairs. Asfar as I'm concerned if kids are in my house and their parents aren't supervising them then it's my job to supervise them as I don't want my house trashed.
Expecting to have tea and cakes whilst preschool kids play nicely somewhere you can't see them is fanciful.
You should have had them in the same room as you, or you should have been going up every 10 minutes to check on them.

difficultpickle · 28/10/2012 09:48

I think the others were 8 and it was just the one 3 year old. I also think that the OP and her dd do not have much experience of playdates and were probably intimidated by both the mothers and children. Ds is 8 and I know that he will keep charge of any of his visiting friends and their siblings. If he can't then he will come and get me. If you don't do many playdates and don't mix with other parents then I guess you wouldn't necessarily realise that everyone has different parenting standards. If it happened in my house I would have taken the 3 yr old downstairs and made him stay with his mum.

schmee · 28/10/2012 10:49

If it happened in my house I'd have gone upstairs and suggested an activity the 3yo could have joined in downstairs. Helps to have things like cakes for icing, etc at the ready when new children come to play just to be on the safe side. Agree that the mother may not have realised that the child was breaking things. If she looked mortified it might have been at the screaming.

Yes, parents should supervise their children, but it's up to the host to help create the right environment for it. I've seen enough threads on here about "helicopter mothers" (who keep intervening with the children when they are supposed to be drinking coffee with adults) to have some sympathy for the mother in question.

scorpionne · 28/10/2012 12:43

I think you did a nice thing inviting the families over OP.

In that situation, if I heard banging etc upstairs I would have gone up and told the boy to stop that right now, or he would have to stay downstairs. If he did it again I would take him down to his mum and ask her to keep him close by. I would tell her why.

I used to be nervous of disciplining other children in my house but not anymore. If the parent isn't doing anything about the bad behaviour I will step in. I would have told the boy to stop screaming. You can't worry too much about what others think. I am strict but kids always want to play at our house.

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