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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this mum shouldn't have brought her other child?

142 replies

SmoothOperandus · 27/10/2012 19:49

I don't know the parents of the other children at my DD's class because the childminder takes her to school. My DD had been talking about this other girl and boy with whom she plays a lot, so I got in touch with their respective mums to arrange a playdate. As we don't know each other, I extended the invitation to them as well and said that other siblings would be welcome too. Mum 1 arrived with her DS, an absolute treasure of a boy, he behaved beautifully all afternoon. Mum 2 arrived with her DD who is my DD's friend, lovely little girl, played beautifully too. Now, Mum 2 also brought DS, a 3 YO. Now I'm sorry to say he was a little terror. He screamed the whole entire afternoon, gave me a horrendous headache, interrupted our conversation constantly... but worse still, when I was having coffee with the mums downstairs and he was playing upstairs, he caused absolute mayhem. He was extremely destructive, breaking toys, tearing pages off books, banging toys against the doors and chipping the paint off and causing several dents... I was very shocked when I went upstairs after everyone had left and saw the damage. I understand that he's only 3 but surely the mum shouldn't have let him off her sight if that's how he behaves!

OP posts:
camgirl · 27/10/2012 21:19

My three year old sometimes behaves like this when his six year old brother and brother's six year old friends deliberately ignore or belittle him, or simply don't pay attention to him when he would like them to because they are getting on with their own games etc. There may have been some deliberate teasing of the three year old, or it may just have been difficult for him to be the only little one, desperate to join in but unable to because he's, well, not six...

That said, I know this, and in a situation like this I would either find him some suitable toys downstairs, or go up and hover. Mostly because it isn't good for him to be left feeling badly about himself.

I'm glad you haven't experienced this kind of behaviour before, but also slightly amazed. It's very common, and they'll grow out of it eventually. YABU re. the invitation, and while it would have been better if there wasn't a mess, you could insist on downstairs play next time, or make sure there are some age appropriate things for the three year old to do, or (maybe slightly ott) invite another three year old if you happen to know one, so they have company as well.

camgirl · 27/10/2012 21:20

Sorry, cross posted. If you invite him again, just make sure there are some age appropriate things for him to do/other children/other ways he could feel included.

Floggingmolly · 27/10/2012 21:21

How did the "spirited" conversation arise? If it was in response to his boisterous behaviour and she still sat there and did nothing, then the mum was extremely out of order.

What on earth were you thinking, though, announcing that all siblings were welcome??? You won't make that mistake again!

Original poster
SmoothOperandus · 27/10/2012 21:21

Honestly I did not care about the mess one bit. I love having kids over having fun. I care a great deal about the damage to my property though. Deliberate damage.

OP posts:
schmee · 27/10/2012 21:23

If she was horrified it sounds like it wasn't normal behaviour for him, in which case, how could she have known to keep him away.

You were trying to be nice, but weren't prepared for this eventuality. Fine. So you have a few choices:

  • don't invite your DD's new friend again
  • invite her without parents there (i.e. get them to drop her off and pick her up)
  • invite her with the mother and sibling, but prepare some activities in advance that might keep him occupied
  • suggest meeting on neutral ground.

As a matter of interest but genuine question, would you expect your 8yo DS to be invited to your DD's playdates?

Original poster
SmoothOperandus · 27/10/2012 21:24

Floggingmolly the mum spoke about how spirited her ds was when he was downstairs screaming and shrieking for no apparent reason, constantly, non stop. I realise now that I shouldn't have invited siblings without knowing who they were but I am new to the area and I'm trying to put myself out there and my DD had been asking to have these kids over to play. I will absolutely never make this stupid mistake again.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 27/10/2012 21:26

You should have disciplined the child if the mum was being ineffective which she sods as though she was

missmapp · 27/10/2012 21:27

He is 3 . I think it is hard when your dc's have grown up a bit to remember what younger children can be like. My ds2 is 'spirited' and when we were in similar situations, I would try to stay with him, but it is hard when the other mum's are downstairs, especially in somebody elses house.

Next time, invite your dd's friend only, and remember that not everyone is perfect.

Original poster
SmoothOperandus · 27/10/2012 21:29

It was the other mum that looked horrified over the screaming, not the boy's mum.

Schmee my DS doesn't get invited to my DD's playdates or viceversa. I only extended the invitation to siblings because it is a Saturday, I don't know the families, I wanted to meet the parents, I didn't know the family 'make-up' so wanted to offer the option in case they were single parents, up until the point everyone arrived I didn't even know if husbands were going to turn up.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 27/10/2012 21:31

Just extend the invitation to your dd friend only

Floggingmolly · 27/10/2012 21:31

No matter how out of character the behaviour was; why would you sit there like a stuffed dummy and not try to reign the child in? I'd forgive a lot if the parent is actually trying to do something, no matter how ineffective it turns out to be, but people who totally ignore their kids acting like little savages (bit harsh, I know, sorry) really piss me off.

Original poster
SmoothOperandus · 27/10/2012 21:33

Floggingmolly, EXACTLY EXACTLY EXACTLY

OP posts:
pigletmania · 27/10/2012 21:34

Exactly flogging, if I saw my property bei g damaged I would find it hard not to say anything

TooImmatureGhostiesAndGhoulies · 27/10/2012 21:34

Mmm, I think saying 'deliberate damage' about a 3yo is a bit harsh. I don't think a 3yo has much idea about other people's property, and many children much older don't notice things like chipping paint/denting things.

pigletmania · 27/10/2012 21:36

That is up to the adult b it parent or if not op to correct the child

TooImmatureGhostiesAndGhoulies · 27/10/2012 21:36

Cross posted there - yes, I think the mother should have stepped in if she saw the damage he was causing, but did she? I thought it all happened upstairs and OP didn't find out until the kids had left. Maybe the mother still doesn't know about it.

pigletmania · 27/10/2012 21:39

Op has described wht the boy had done, tearing pages off books, screaming, breaking toys, why the hell did she not correct the boy, or check wht is going on upstairs instead of itti g downstairs chatting

pigletmania · 27/10/2012 21:40

Therefore op obviously saw the boy doing this

Original poster
SmoothOperandus · 27/10/2012 21:41

Right I didn't know about the damage until after I went upstairs and my husband showed me what happened and he was fuming for having had to 'babysit' the boy for the rest of the time they were here. The mum didn't know about the damage either but my point was that she must have known what her kid was like and from some of her own comments, she does know what he's like. The mother still doesn't know about it and I'm not going to tell her am I?

OP posts:
pigletmania · 27/10/2012 21:45

Well moral of te storey is go upstairs and cast an eye round when you have kids rund and they are upstairs

InspiredToBoot · 27/10/2012 21:47

I can't believe some of the answers here. I don't think YABU AT ALL as you're expecting the mum to have had some controls in place, not the child. You were trying to do a nice thing but I'm afraid there are many parents out there who are in denial about their own children's behaviour. I wouldn't invite them again.

GlitteredAcorns · 27/10/2012 21:51

YANBU. If the mum had no choice but no bring her DS along, then she should have been the one keeping an eye on things. I believe you've been fortunate enough not to have come across this type of behaviour in the past, but I do not believe for one second that the other mum hasn't experienced her DS behave like that. As far as I'm concerned that's lazy parenting on her part and it gets on my nerves.

WorraLiberty · 27/10/2012 21:56

YANBU

But I'd be fucked if I'd let a 'spirited' 3yr old disappear upstairs in my house.

There were how many adults there?

And yet not one of you removed him from the room and brought him back downstairs?

MissPricklePants · 27/10/2012 21:57

Why didn't your DH come and explain what the 3 yo was upto if he was 'babysitting'? my DD is 3 and I would be mortified if she behaved like this in my home let alone someone elses! It boils down to lack of supervision from the mum. YANBU to be cross about it as it is not acceptable.

Original poster
SmoothOperandus · 27/10/2012 22:01

WorraLiberty, us 3 mums were having coffee downstairs and getting acquainted. I stupidly took for granted that a mum I've never met before would have common sense over her child's behaviour. My DH didn't dare to remove the child and bring him downstairs as he simply wasn't sure what to do, so he just sat there and followed the kid around, removed stuff from his reach and stopped him from banging doors. He's so pissed off now and has opened a bottle of wine Grin.

OP posts: